Goodbye Lullaby
I never believed in a god, I didn't buy into the stupidity of religion. And why should that change now? Just because she's gone? Just because I so desperately need something to belong to, something to stabilize me, why should that change? No one else understood, not one single person, not even my pathetic excuse for a mother grieved for her the way I did. And how could they? I raised that little girl, I spent hours upon hours with her, toiling and slaving for her! I worked myself to my physical limit waking at ungodly hours and passing out in classes. Not for me, not for my mother, for her! For the little girl who really started this revolution. I did everything in my power to keep her safe in the world we were forced into. No god helped me.
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My voice came out like a strangled cat like sound, it sounded akin to the mewlings Buttercup made beside me. I wanted to sing for her, to tell her goodbye. My voice was hideous because my vocal cords were constricting to keep me from crying. I stood beside the coffin that was not good enough for the girl that lay inside. I didn't face the group gathered to say goodbye, I faced her. Because the song wasn't for them, it was for her. I tried to gasp out notes and rhythms of the old song my father sang. It was a goodbye song, but it was temporary, just as our time apart would be, only temporary Prim.
My voice gave out to the sobs before I could finish. I wailed like a newborn in front of every staring eye that came. I didn't care, I didn't care about any of them. I fought their war, I played their game, every single person that lived because of me I wanted dead. I would rather have President Snow rule over us with an iron fist and struggle to meet our needs then try to live in this hell that is life without Prim. My screams were obviously disturbing to some of the mourners. I didn't care my grief was mine alone, my hell was mine alone, this hell was mine alone, and that girl in the coffin had been mine alone. Mine to protect, mine to love, mine to savor, mine to keep fed and dressed, mine to adore, and now she was mine to mourn. Screw the world, screw everything around me that isn't Prim.
I realized only now that I was clutching her coffin with a grip that could crush a human body. I couldn't let it go, because if I let it go then I'd let her go, and if I let her go then she'd really be gone.
I wish I had died, that night with her. Nothing here is worth living without her. Not a Peeta that hates me, not a Gale that I hate, not a mother who can't look at me. I have nothing to live for anymore. This little girl in the coffin is all I have. I can't let it go. We could just sleep together, never wake up, abandon the world and never look back. We could.
But sun began to set and the preacher began to get impatient because apparently he has better things to do. Ya right. Nothing on this earth was ever or will ever be more important than Prim. Not my little Primrose. Peeta came up behind me, I saw the shadow of his arms reaching towards me. But other hands caught his and pulled him away. I heard Gale, oh Gale if only it hadn't been you that killed her. Everything could have been ok, everything else was forgivable. But this, no, you killed Prim. You sentenced my Prim to die, and now I am dead, and therefore we are dead Gale, this will be the last time I think fondly of you, so goodbye my friend treasure these thoughts, they are all I will give you.
The sun was down and the sky was dark, two people still stood waiting on me, two boys with nowhere else in the world to be. Even my pathetic mother had left long ago. "Katniss," Gale whispered not touching my skin.
"Katniss it's time," Peeta said just as gently.
Time for what, my tired mine mused. Time to go on? Impossible. Time to live again, Prim's sweet voice whispered in my ear and almost brought me to my knees. Oh yes, my mind started to turn on again, I still have to do that, live. I sniffed and gathered all of my strength to stand. My eyes were puffy and stinging and my head screamed at me with a migraine that would not soon go away.
The boys were nice; they gently lowered my girl into the earth to be hugged by nature to sleep every night. I sat in a chair and watched with uninterested eyes. When they finished they discarded their shovels and looked back at me. I took a deep breath and walked over to the newly placed dirt.
"Katniss we'll take you home now," Gale said taking my arm lightly.
I pulled it away and held a hand up to him. He said nothing. Then I finished my song.
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AN: This made me really sad but I had to write it and get it out of my head. The song Katniss is singing in my head, if anyone cares, is Goodbye by Avril Lavigne. Please review!