Wow, it has been a while! I've been kind of busy with life. Crazy. Anyway, the entirety of 2016 has made me want to get back into writing, a little for the escape, a little for the irony. Anyway - here's what you should know:

If you've read my stories before, I thank you and feel free to skip right to the story. If you are just joining us or would like a refresher, let me give you some introduction:

If you prefer to avoid spoilers and would like to read what happened previously on your own, please check out my stories It Was the Year of Fire (season 1), It Was the Year of Great Sadness (season 2), It Was the Year of Pain (season 3), and It Was the Year of Rebirth (season 4) to read about how Sam and Dean's world is a little different when Sam's best friend from Stanford, Jen, ends up along for the ride. She's not much for ghost hunting exactly, but she's always there when someone needs a sympathetic ear or a shoulder to cry on. There's more than that going on with her, but I don't want to give anything away if you are going to read those. However, if you prefer to get a quick summary on Jen and just start reading, I'll direct you to the bottom of this chapter for more information first.

If you want to dive right in:

[The motel]

Things had been so intense after Lucifer had risen and some mysterious force had saved Sam and Dean that they had barely had time to process it all, much less talk about it. It didn't help that Dean seemed entirely uninterested in even trying to discuss the fact that it was indeed Sam that broke the final seal. Sam was so overcome with guilt that he could barely focus on anything else. That's why he had to tell Bobby. He couldn't just hold it all in anymore.

He was not expecting the reaction that he got, though. Sam had never seen Bobby that angry about anything. He didn't know what to do, so he left. He said he was going to go do some research, but he just couldn't. He barely got a hundred feet out of the motel room and the tears were pushing at his eyes. The only thing he wanted to do was to call Jen, but he had barely spoken to her in weeks. He couldn't even be sure she was listening.

"Anytime you want me, Sam." Her voice drifted into his ears as he thought about her. Sam looked up and there was Jen, standing in front of him.

Sam didn't even think about where he was or who was watching. He nearly ran to her, wrapping his arms around her.

"Jen … I … it's my fault …" Sam tried to speak but his voice and body shook as tears began to slide down his cheeks.

Jen squeezed him tightly and whispered in his ear. "Shh, hold on, Sam. Relax, just for a moment."

Sam heard her words in his head, and he knew that she was using her persuasive abilities on him because he did relax, and the tears held off. She let go of him, and led him around the corner, out of the way, and to a bench where they both sat down.

"Okay." Jen said, releasing her hold on Sam's emotions. The tears began to spill over once again, and Sam leaned his head down into his hands.

"You were right … about Ruby. Dean was too. Fuck! I should have listened." The guilt was settling like a pit in his stomach, but Sam felt like he deserved all this pain. The apocalypse was his fault, and he had to deal with that.

"It's not your fault. There were so many factors, so many forces, you couldn't have done it alone, and I'm not sure you alone could have stopped it from happening."

Sam shook his head and felt himself begin to shake as Jen put her hands on his shoulders. She gently nudged him up toward her, and he wrapped his arms around her body and squeezed hard. He knew he could without hurting her. For a moment, he just held on. He knew that Jen was the only one in the world who wouldn't blame him for what happened, up to and including himself. He still couldn't believe Bobby's reaction. This was Bobby, who had accepted everything up until now. How could he say those things to Sam?

Jen spoke, responding to Sam's train of thought. "I can't read Bobby, you know. I don't know what he really thinks about everything."

Sam tried to respond, or nod, or something, but he couldn't seem to. Jen just whispered, "shhh," in his ear again, and he squeezed her more tightly yet again.

Sam tried to focus. He knew they had work to do. They had to track down Lucifer and figure out how to kill him. He soon had calmed himself down and sat up away from Jen, wiping his face off.

"I'm not sure what to do. I want to …"

"Wait!" Jen suddenly exclaimed, putting her hand up toward him and listening, though Sam heard nothing. Sam looked at her confused. She almost sounded alarmed. Then she stood up quickly. "You have to go back, now!"

Sam didn't ask. He didn't need to ask, the tone of her voice made it clear that it was an emergency. Sam bolted back to the room. He only hoped he was in time for whatever it was.

[Later]

Sam stared at Dean as he entered the Impala. He said he didn't trust Sam anymore, didn't trust his own brother. The sad part was that Sam could completely understand, but that didn't make it hurt any less. The light wavered in front of Sam as he stood there and, then, Jen was standing in front of him. She reached to his face.

"Wait here for me?" She asked. Sam nodded. She disappeared again, and Sam could see her in the car talking with Dean. They spoke for a moment, hugged, and then she was back. "Let's take the scenic route home." Jen began walking away. The Impala's engine roared. Sam hesitated for a moment and then followed Jen. He glanced behind after a few steps to see the Impala's taillights in the distance.

"I wish I could take it all back. I really do." Sam said, shoving his hands in his pockets as they walked.

"It's not worth dwelling on past events, only creating new ones in the future."

"But I started the apocalypse! I can't just forget that, and neither can Dean." Sam felt his voice tremble and he blinked back tears.

"No, Dean can't forget, but he will do what he needs to get the job done."

Sam couldn't understand how Jen was so blasé about the apocalypse. "Even Dean said that he expects us to lose! How is that getting the job done?" Sam stopped walking as his breath caught in his throat. He swallowed hard as a tear slid down his cheek. Jen turned to face him and caught the tear with her thumb.

"Listen to me, Sam." Sam locked eyes with Jen as she spoke and he knew that she was inside his head, but he allowed her to continue without fighting.

"I don't want to diminish what you are dealing with, because I know how terrible you feel, but the constant self-deprecation is going to get in the way of your life, and especially hunting, unless you actively find some way to deal with it."

That did not make Sam feel better, hearing Jen's no nonsense explanation, but he didn't know what to say. Fortunately, Jen didn't give him a chance. She stepped forward and took Sam's hands in hers. He looked at her through the layer of tears that held in his eyes without falling. Jen spoke again, more gently this time.

"I want to help you, Sam, and I will always be here for you, but you need to try and be here for your fellow hunters by not focusing on this. It was not your fault, but you can help stop it. We need you to help stop it."

"I don't know what to do." Sam's voice was only a whisper, but he blinked and held the tears back. For the first time, since Dean died, Sam felt completely helpless.

"You will figure it out. You always do, Sam." Jen's eyes gave Sam that tiny sparkle of a smile, and he felt a little better just knowing she had some confidence in him. Someone had to.

Jen let go of Sam's hands and reached up to wrap her arms around him. Sam suddenly felt relieved about everything, even though he knew the feeling was fleeting. He grabbed Jen and held her tight in return. Tears filled his eyes again, but he wanted to hold them back, be strong, like Jen asked.

"It's okay." Her voice whispered in his ear. "Right now, it's okay." Her permission was all he needed, and he let the tears fall, rubbing them out into his best friend's shoulder. He repeated to himself the same thing Jen had told him: it wasn't his fault. He didn't believe it yet, but he knew that he had to keep trying. It didn't take long, and soon his eyes dried, and he pulled himself up, giving Jen a thankful half-smile.

Jen smiled back, then began walking away. Sam caught up quickly. "Aren't we a few miles away from the motel?" Sam asked.

Jen shrugged. "Sometimes, the scenic route is more about the mental journey and less about the physical one."

Sam had no idea what she meant, so he remained silent and kept walking. Jen so often spoke in riddles that he had learned not to worry about it. He wasn't even sure where they were, as he had just blindly followed Jen when she took off. Suddenly, she turned a corner and there, just about halfway down the block was the motel. Sam froze for a moment.

"But … weren't we just …?"

Jen turned to Sam and smiled. "Goddess."

Sam shook his head: never a dull moment in his life. Never.

[Earlier, before Dean left]

Dean knew that he was going to hurt Sam, but he couldn't try to act normal, not about this. It was too big, and there was too much going on, and Sam wanting to try and talk about it all the time wasn't really making it better. So, hey, if this got him to shut up, then at least he accomplished that. Still, he felt terrible, especially seeing Sam's face right after telling him that he couldn't trust him. That's why he went to the car, so he didn't have to look. He wasn't surprised to see Jen a moment later.

"It's the truth. I couldn't keep it from him." Dean tried to explain.

"I know." Jen's response was simple, almost too simple. It didn't make Dean feel any better. "You go on back. Sam and I will catch up in a bit."

Dean was glad Sam had Jen. Dean was glad Sam was talking to Jen again. Of course, for her it was easy to jump right back in. She could actually hear what was in Sam's head. For Dean, it wasn't that simple. He gave Jen a hug and let her go with Sam. He went back to the motel room alone. Well, him and a few shots of whiskey. Whiskey could take the edge off almost anything. Almost.

Jen and Sam returned about half an hour later, and Sam seemed, well, at least better than before. Sam pretty much went right to bed. Dean wasn't quite ready to sleep yet. Jen had sat down in a chair with a book. It reminded Dean of simpler times. He sighed and looked over at her.

"What are you reading?"

"The Waves by Virginia Woolf."

"Is it good?"

"Yes, it is quite good."

"What's it about?"

"It is about the weaving of individuals together as one community and one consciousness." She raised her eyebrows and spoke pointedly at Dean. He understood. Jen has always hated to see the brothers fight, and Dean had just made it clear that working together with Sam was not going to work the way it used to. Dean scoffed and turned away from Jen, glancing at his brother, snoring lightly in bed. He hesitated, wondering how asleep Sam was.

"He won't hear, and he won't wake up." Jen spoke carefully.

Dean sighed. "I still love the kid you know, nothing can change that. He knows that, too, right?"

"You aren't exactly making it easy to see right now."

"Well, I don't know what I'm supposed to do!" Dean's volume increased, but he caught himself and backed down again. "I can't just pretend Sam never did those things. I can barely even look at him without thinking about what happened, and I don't know how to stop the apocalypse."

"It's not about stopping the apocalypse." Jen spoke softly and simply.

Dean had no idea what to make of her statement. Did she not understand what was at stake here? What was her goal, her endgame? Sometimes, she was still such a mystery to Dean. He stared at her for a long moment. She must have heard his confusion, because she spoke again.

"Everything is connected, even the small pieces. Remember that. No one can stop the apocalypse alone."

Dean sighed. Her words echoed things she had told him before, over and over again. It was still hard for him to see those pieces, those connections, especially this time. He felt completely alone. They were abandoned by God. Bobby was stuck in bed. He couldn't even trust his own brother. He looked at Jen.

"Right now, I'm not sure any of those connections are helping me." Dean looked over at Sam again, thinking about everything that happened. "I've actually been wondering lately if maybe this one is our biggest liability right now. I worry more about Sam than I do about everything else."

Jen's eyebrows pulled together tightly. "You need Sam, Dean."

"Why? I mean, seriously, how's that been working out lately? How do I know he won't run off to the next demon with 'the answer' or fall off the demon blood wagon? Sure, he's a good hunter, but I'm just not sure."

Dean was almost surprising himself with how strongly he felt about this. Dean turned and looked right into Jen's eyes. He could tell that she completely disagreed with him. She was always unhappy when him and Sam were apart, though he hadn't ever really understood why. He knew they had always been a team, but this was more than the team could handle. Or, at least, more than his half could handle. Dean spoke again.

"I just think that this time, we might need more space than usual."

Jen's eyes continued to plead with him though her voice remained steady. "Just try for a while, for me."

Dean couldn't just completely refuse Jen. She had been right so many times.

"Alright. I will try. For you."

Jen smiled at him. It was only a little smile, but it still gave Dean that tiniest bit of reassurance that they could actually survive this. He decided to ask Jen anyway, knowing he was unlikely to get a real answer.

"Do you think we really can stop the apocalypse?"

"I think that you can do anything you put your mind to."

Dean sighed. He wished he had her confidence in himself. Still, at least someone did, right?

Jen reached over and squeezed Dean's hand tightly. "Go to sleep now." She spoke aloud, but the words whispered inside of Dean's head, and he could feel his eyes get heavy. He yawned.

"Yeah, yeah." He mumbled as he drifted off.

Let me tell you about Jen.

Sam met Jen at Stanford, and they became quick and close friends, even best friends (as much as Sam could be with someone). She was also close with Jess, and roomed with the two of them near the end. However, she wasn't there by mere coincidence. Jen is an Earth Spirit or benevolent Goddess, and part of a contingent of similar beings that watch human events, and give personal aid and advice, but never interfere in conflicts and never kill. Jen was assigned to the Winchesters many years ago when Mary made her original deal, but after spending so much time with them, the three have become even closer than friends as she can hear their most intimate thoughts, if they allow her to. For a long time they didn't know Jen was anything special or different, but she revealed herself at the end of Season 2 to try and talk Dean out of his deal, which, as we know, didn't work. Jen has helped Dean deal with the memories of Hell, and nearly lost Sam to Ruby, but now has a chance to get him back and try to help heal the bond between the brothers. She knows it's necessary if they are going to defeat the devil.