This is a story about the 6 time NBA champion and 14 time NBA all-star, Michael Jordan, legendary game creator Shigeru Miyamoto, first-class fighter and world renown anime hero Baki Hanma, supernatural sensation Doctor Strange, supreme German leader Adolf Hitler, and genius coach Gordon Bombay in their conquest to win the annual Neo-Milky Way Galaxy Basketball Association (informally abbreviated MWBA) championship and the right to possess the ultimate prize, the holy blood of Jesus Christ our lord and savior handed within the center of each platinum medal awarded to the champions.
Michael Jordan quickly shouted to coach Bombay "I don't want no niggas on the team coach! We aren't allowing niggas on this team." Coach starkly said back to Jordan "Now now Jordan, did I have any niggas on my Mighty Ducks? If I did I sure as hell don't remember them, do you?"
Jordan replied "Hell naw I don't, good to know you've kept that same trait after all these years. We don't want no niggas on this team we here to win."
The year is 8274AD. Through advancements in technology such as cybernetics and nanomachines, legends from years as early as the 1900s have been able to continue breathing within the universe. Take for example Michael Jordan, all that remains that is human of him are his hands, using a special stem-cell gel developed in the air 2015, his hands have actually gone back to the pristine and glory days of his early 20s. These magic hands have allowed him to dunk into the hearts of humans for the past 8300 years. He himself calls it "a miracle from god." Coach Bombay is just relieved to have him as his main man for this event, they'll need some of the best from the galaxy in order to win the championship against the previous title holders, the Pluto Positrons.
3 years ago the Pluto Positrons were one of the worst teams in the MWBA, with their worst record in the league for that season (2-98) they were the most likely to receive a first round draft pick, and indeed they did. The Pluto Positrons drafted up and coming all star and 72nd time resurrected (through technologies developed in the late 5300s) terrorist Osama Bin Laden.
Osama's ability to play on the basketball court with his 72nd resurrection is impeccable, some has referred to his play as "explosive" and his combustible style certainly has earned the title. He's killed approximately 13 MWBA legends with his signature move "B-Ball Bomber" where he is able to make the basketball actually explode at the same power as a stick of dynamite through the use of friction and pressure generated from his sand covered hands. His nickname on the court is Osama "Big Bomb" Bin Laden because of this controversial play. Osama has been averaging 83 points per game since his debut, the highest number in the past 100 years.
Michael Jordan has recently rejoined the league after a 300 year retirement, he previously was averaging 83.1 points but many years have passed since his 237th retirement and comeback from the game of Basketball, many wonder if he can handle new and upcoming blood.
"I ain't afraid of no niggas coach, no niggas at all, Osama is like Charles Barkley, just another nigga who wants to get smacked the fuck down. That nigga got no rings for a reason."
Jordan is known for his hot blooded temperature and distaste for "niggas." He has however explained that niggas does not mean black people, just ignorant fools who challenge Air Jordan.
Bombay smirked "Well Jordan, I believe in you. But we need you to pick some new players after Osama's infamous terrorist attack on our home-court on New Earth."
One year ago, Osama landed a two hand hanger dunk with all 5 players on the enemy team on him. This move dubbed "Team Killer" wiped Bombay's team instantly in the MWBA conference finals. Leading the score to be 2875-6, the worst defeat in league history. Osama then proceeded to say in his speech of honor "Death to America, and death to Bombay and his puny ant team! Praise Allah!"
Bombay knew then, and Bombay knows now. It wasn't about the game of basketball, it was about the once great United States of America.
A single tear shed from Bombay's eye, looking directly at Jordan he said "Mike, we need to get this guy back, no one disrespects America or the game of basketball the way he did"
Jordan sharply responded "I know coach I know, I won't let this nigga do what he did again, he's why I came back to the game, I know I'm the only one who can stop him. But I need a team coach, you said the salary was $86,291,581,248,582,692,912,234,133,821.63 right?"
"Yea, we've got more than enough to have you bring back to the title to where it belongs, New Earth."
Earth was destroyed in the year 4723 due to a garbage build up underground by terrorists that caused the mass of earth to steadily grow until the sun pulled the blue marble into it, turning it into nothing more than dust. Thus, a new earth was formed the following month using terra-forming technologies developed in the year 3852.
"Well coach, I think we should draft some new blood too, guys we can mold to specifically stop Osama. For starters, I'm thinking Shigeru Miyamoto. I've seen it in his eyes coach, he's got the heart and desire to win, plus he's made some genius videogames, his mind has to be incredibly sharp."
"Well...I trust in your decision, got anyone else in mind?"
"Of course" Jordan swiftly replied. "I've got eyes and ears everywhere, I think we should also pick up Baki Hanma and Doctor Strange, both of those players have insane synergy, they just started on the Mercury Destroyers as a dynamite team but recently became free agents. Hanma's got strong arms and legs, making him an absurd dunker despite his height at 5'0" and Doctor Strange's powers lift anyone on the team to new heights. His ball handling is first class too!"
"You're right, I heard about them becoming free agents, wasn't it because they too wanted to defeat the terrorist fiend Osama?"
"Yea, seems like everybody in the league wants to defeat that nigga. Despite that though I've got one more guy in mind...though he's a little weird. The Venus Virgins ex-superstar Adolf Hitler...I've seen his decision making on the battlefield first hand, I do not know a smarter player other than myself ha ha ha ha..."
"Hmm you might be on to something champ though Adolf has a bad rep, let's have a meeting with all these future stars tomorrow."
That night, Jordan thought to himself. "The time has come to get back at Osama and his cronies for destroying my home, I know he did it, I know he and his guys took down Chicago...that nigga gonna pay."
The next morning all of these great players and Gordon Bombay met together on New Earth's finest meeting hall: New Neo New Twin Towers located in Xi'an, China.
"So gentleman, you've all been selected by Michael Jordan and I to-"
"WHAT YOU SAY NIGGA? AND I?" said Jordan sharply
"Uhh...well we did agree together did we not?" "HELL NAW WE DIDNT YA CRACKA ASS, IT WAS MY IDEA AND IT'S MY TEAM." "Well sorry champ, it won't happen again..." "IT BETTER NOT BITCH."
"...Anyways, you have all been selected by Michael Jordan to join New Earth's team. China's very own Xi'an Imperialists!"
The room erupted with awe and excitement.
"Wow, a chance to play with the real Michael Jordan" said Baki.
"That's some crazy shit right there!" Shigeru Miyamoto said.
"All things considered, do you all accept?" Asked Bombay.
The room shouted with 3 yes answers and 1 no. To no one's surprise Hitler said no.
"Why's that ya punk bitch?" Jordan said. "It is because joo are ze American who swiped my car 500 years ago in the Mar's parking lot, Ja?"
"Oh shit I remember that, look man I sent you some flowers and a box of chocolates...let's just play man, you hate Osama too?"
"I hate Osama as much as I hate dandelions you prick, never send me those again and joo have a deal ja?"
"Okay man okay...sorry..." said Jordan.
"Then it is settled ja? All 3 of us on ze China Imperialists? Let us crush that terrorist Osama once and for all ja?"
The team was fully formed, an unstoppable force of offense, defense, and wit. All they needed to do was make it to the playoffs this season, the competition is fierce but they have the heart, skill, and determination to win.
The team trained night and day learning their strengths and weaknesses months prior to the start of the season. Michael Jordan and Bombay concluded that this was the team that was going to win it all and bring back the revenge of the United States of America upon Osama for his vile acts of terrorism.
Mike and his team swept the entire league except for the 6-6 tie against Osama's team: Pluto's very own Pluto Positrons
The Mar's Turban Warriors is one of the deadliest teams in the league with Osama as their starting man, they also have 4 legends in the game: Lebron James, Fidel Castro, Cthulhu, and Dick Tracy.
Both teams went 94-6 that season and quickly met in the MWBA conference finals with the Xi'an Imperialist's defeating Mar's Desert Storm and the Pluto Positron's sweeping the Miami Lakers.
Before the big match, Coach Bombay wanted to say something to his team.
"Team, this isn't about basketball this is about America and earth's freedom, we cannot lose this match. If I can coach those shitty Mighty Ducks I sure as hell can coach you to victory without a single error."
"Thanks Coach it means a lot man I'm gonna cry tears for you when we win." said Jordan.
The oddly quiet Doctor Strange said "Indeed good sir, let us all win and stop this terrorist for good!"
The team overall was incredibly fluid, with Shigeru Miyamoto's passing ability, Baki's absurdly strong dunking and kicks, Strange's ball handling, and Adolf's decision making (which generally consisted of "Give the ball to Jordan. He shits on everything I own." They made a solid team for Jordan, the superstar who's debut this season resulted in a 136 point game.
The 1 and only match was to be played on Mercury at the home court of the Mercury Heat.
Upon entering the court, both teams started some strong trash talk.
"I am going to fuck your wife Jordan!"
"Naw little nigga, you can't blow her up if you wanna do that ya punk"
Once the game began, Baki immedietly got the ball for his team, passing straight to Jordan. Jordan's first move was to actually go to the end of the court, avoiding the defense and shooting an absurd full court shot.
"Ho-lee-shit." said Osama. Jordan swished it. The score starting 3-0.
"That's right nigga, all game."
Osama, in a furious rage instantly threw his signature move at Jordan, the B-Ball Bomber in passing form.
"SHIT JORDAN WATCH OUT!" said Strange, using his powers to stop the ball dead in its track and shooting it up to the top of the stadium to explode.
Osama frowned, his scowl showed no remorse as he was handed a new ball. He tried driving up the paint against his team, using some strong passing between him and his wing-man Lebron.
Jordan recollected "Lebron...man I hate that guy, always trying to beat me despite losing for over 8000 years...always been something weird about him though."
Osama dunked on Miyamoto, the score 3-2.
"Fuck, I do not rike when sand nigga dunk on me, I might be onree 4 feet tall but nobody dunk on me!"
Miyamoto was pissed, with the ball in his hand he drove up for a layup, only to be blocked my Dick Tracy, the ball now in Pluto's possession.
"Fuck! I hate Dick too!"
"MIYAMOTO! PASS THE BALL TO HIS AIRNESS NEXT TIME!" shouted Strange.
"FUCK MIYAMOTO PASS THE BALL TO ME NEXT TIME WE GOTTA STOP THESE GUYS" also shouted Michael.
With an easy 3 pointer by Cthulhu, Bombay called a time out. The score 3-5.
"What are you doing out there? Give the ball to Jordan and block every shot they throw, I don't want to see them score again."
"DAMN STRAIGHT" screamed Jordan.
The next few shots were all by Michael, 17 dunks, 23 3 pointers, and 83 free throws. His peak scoring in the first half of the game ever, the score was then 216-5.
"Holy shit how in Allah's name are we losing?!" said Osama.
"I do not know." said Castro, smoking a cigar on break.
"Ahh...my heart..." said Castro as he passed out on the floor.
"Oh my Allah! He is dead! Noooo, who can replace him!?"
Then a shadowy figure entered, shattering the glass from a nearby window to enter.
"I can"
"Ho-lee-shit" Osama said.
"Yo man you gonna win us dis game fo real yo" said Lebron.
Upon leaving the locker room, China found they had a new enemy to beat.
"Wow, it's really him." Jordan said
There stood Cloud from Final Fantasy VII. "Ready to lose, bitches?!" he screamed.
Unfortunately for Cloud, China's dominance continued up till the last minute in the 4th quarter, having the score at a solid 723-23. Pluto called for a time out
"Dick you fucking suck, holy shit! And you too Lebron! Why are you even on this team you only have 2 fucking rings!" shouted Osama. "Cloud, do you even know what basketball is!? Why do you have a fucking sword!?"
"I WILL SLAY JORDAN" Cloud said.
"FUCK YOU, I NEED NOT YOU" Osama then proceeded to blow up Cloud.
"It's time, leave me out alone on the court, I've got all 5"
With the last minute, Osama was the only one to come back.
"Ready to lose ya nigga?" taunted Jordan
"Heh, you'll see...American..."
Obama took the ball, instantly trying his deadliest move, the Team Killer.
"OH SHIT! NOOOOOOOOOOO!"
A bright light flashed, no one could see what was happening little did they know, it was Michael Jordan's ghost dad.
"DAD!"
"SON! IM GONNA STOP THIS TERRORIST FOR AMERICA!"
"I MISS YOU DAD! I LOVE YOU!"
Jordan's father sent the ball to the ghost world, a tear shed from his eye..."Defeat him son...defeat him and bring back a terrorist free basketball"
With the ball destroyed and Osama defeated, Jordan finished the game by t-bagging him with a dunk ending with a score of 3264-23, the ultimate defeat.
"TOLD YA NIGGA, TOLD YA WE'D WIN" Jordan said.
"AND YOU, LEBRON, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU STILL PLAY THIS GAME? I BEEN WHOPPING YOUR ASS FOR OVER 8000 YEARS."
Lebron smirked "Let me show you..."
Slowly he was transforming into something vile...something horrible. Doctor Strange could see it, he screamed "Shuma Gorath?! Oh my god!"
"That's right, it's me, Shuma! I stole Lebron's soul and now I'll steal all of yours!"
The freshly t-bagged body of Osama lay there like a slug, he stood no chance when Shuma decided to absorb him into his body.
"Ha ha ha! And now you next Jordan!"
Baki and Strange teamed up and combined their power to send Shuma to another dimension with both Baki and Strange trapped.
"Noooo! Not again!" Said Shuma
Jordan cried, his team mates were dead.
"Ima miss those little fools..."
However, Jordan came out a champion, they decided to give Jordan 3 of the medallions in honor of the lost 2.
"HELL YEA! THAT'S RIGHT! IM BACK AND I SAVED BASKETBALL!"
Everyone cheered and celebrated for almost an entire week, it was a spectacle unlike any other. A hero reborn.
"So what will you do with the medals Jordan? They have the blood of the holy man himself you know..." questioned Miyamoto...
"Well, I've decided I'm going to drink this blood to be granted immortality...basketball needs a hero like me forever and to be reminded of this day."
Jordan jumped for joy saying "I'M BACK NIGGAS I'M BACK!"
Basketball was saved by this bizarre team of unlikely superstars, they all went on to continue dominating basketball for the rest of eternity, the end.
To be continued?