Intentional Scars

An Addiction

Gutter and Grace

A/N: This is my first Remus centered story. I figured I'd write one since I've been obsessed with the Remus/Tonks paring since before I had a clue it would be canon. I dedicate it to mercutio-ran, whose story, Random Acts, inspired this story. I don't own the characters, or this topic in fanfiction. All I do own are some of the thoughts going through his head, being a person dealing with this myself. Some spoilers for HBP.

I shouldn't have been doing this again. I knew I shouldn't. Just like I shouldn't have fallen for her. It was an addiction. Just like James's old alcoholic tendencies back in fifth and sixth year. Nothing different from Sirius's foray into assorted drugs that year before he died. No doubt thanks to Mundungus. The same in my mind as Lily's obsession with her weight. Only more dangerous. Don't I have enough scars? Why need to make some in my human time? Aren't the ones from the wolf enough?

Why do I even bother caring at all? You think I would have learned after I cared for my friends. Now three are dead, one of whom being the one man I respected through everything, and the one traitorous rat that betrayed the three.

James didn't deserve it. He was the picture perfect image of a hero, to most. Not everyone knew his secret. His two year obsession with the liquid fire. Sirius and I were the ones who took care of him when Lily turned him down time and time again, indulging almost every night in that poison. We were the ones who vanished the bottles, carried him though the tunnels and up to bed when he passed out down at the Hog's Head. He was the strongest man I had ever known, proving that addictions can be fought when he gave up the Firewhiskey in order to change as was needed for Lily. Never touched the stuff again.

Lily didn't deserve to die. As brilliant as the stars on the moonless night. She was the first I loved, the pure fire of spirit she was. Everyone would have thought we would have been the perfect couple, not her and the wild hellion James. They didn't know at the time, they were exactly alike as well as completely different. She was more wild than the rest of us. You could see it late at night, dancing in the moon light down by the lake, her hair a wild and tangled russet mass. She seemed to glow. That's when I realized I couldn't have her, that James was perfect for her. The night was the only time any of us let our secrets out. I remember finding her lying on the floor of her bathroom in her flat just after graduation, weak from having not eaten enough. Still trying to fit into what her mother and sister classified as perfect. Thin as a rail. Poor thing only weighed 92 lbs. And she wasn't a short woman either, standing nearly at six feet herself. She forgot all about the obsession with perfection when she found out she lost her first baby.

Sirius was perhaps the most majestic of us all, with the darkest side. He had an almost regal bearing without trying, charming the pants off of anything within twenty feet in less than twenty seconds. But there was another side only Lily, James, and I saw. A side Peter didn't even get to see, because he wasn't looking for it. We connected to Sirius for a reason. The reason being he had been though everything we had and more. Having your family hate you like that, I can't even imagine how it would be. He was the loyal one, never failing us. Sure he made a few mistakes, but those were all without his medication or when he was on some sort of new temporary fix. He was the first to lose control however. What most didn't know was he was bi-polar. Or manic-depressive as some know. He was supposed to be on medication for it, but he never remembered to take it. He thought he could take on the world most of the time back then, a side effect of whatever new thing he tried. Alcohol, drugs, not eating for weeks, girl after girl, thin scars down his arms. He needed control, something he just wasn't born with. He was the first to fight his addictions, realizing he wasn't in control during all those things. That summer he ran away, got out of the house of pitch black darkness. That summer he cleaned himself up, until the year he was back. Not even in that place could make him turn back to it. It was a miracle those habits didn't kill him before falling though the veil.

My control or lack there of, is cutting. No one noticed. Ever. I had too many scars from when I was the wolf for anyone to notice these. I always am careful to wear long sleeved robes or shirts though. She almost caught me last time. I didn't lock the door like normal, hoping someone would come find me and care enough to make me stop. Sirius, James, and Lily tried and got me to for a few years, but now they are gone. I stopped when I found Harry, and then Sirius, happy for once that I had fragments of my old life back. Now Harry can't even go to Hogwarts without fear, and Sirius is gone. Its all lost, except for her. And she just isn't enough to make me stop, since it would never work out.

Who am I talking about? The most spectacular woman on this earth. A woman who is just herself, no problems like I am plagued with. Almost as pure as the snow, the only death she really had to deal with was Sirius. I love the spirit she has, the determination. Reminds me vaguely of Lily, but she's just so much more than Lily ever was to me. She changes her appearance at will, although lately she has been keeping the mousy brown hair. Not the most becoming, but she is still beautiful. This is why it wouldn't work. I am blood, and she is like the alabaster snow. All I would do would be stain and degrade her beauty.

'Remus.'

That faint whisper shows I wasn't almost caught this time. I was caught. By the one person I want most to hide this from, and to save me from.

Tonks.