I Know What They Don't Say
By: Shattered Hourglass
Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar.
I hate it. I know what they say about me. I can hear them whisper and laugh when they think I'm not paying any attention. I know what they call me. I know what they think of me.
Stupid, greedy, comedic, lumbering, gluttonous; they are only but a few. I'm sure they would be surprised to discover I know a word like gluttonous. I can visualize the look of astonishment upon their faces.
Simply because I choose not to flaunt my knowledge, they regard me as an idiot.
Simply because I am not a bender, they do not regard me as a warrior.
One doesn't need the ability to bend to fight. I will not deny that bending is a powerful tool that can win or lose a battle, but it does not guarantee victory.
I look at my hands encased in gloves. They are worn. They are calloused. Countless times they have lifted a weapon and struck. Just as many times, I have proven myself in battle.
With every victory comes praise. Yet when the praise is given, it is always the Avatar who receives credit. Not me. Not the one who fights with his own two hands. Not the one who fashions the strategies. The Avatar always receives adoration. Am I jealous? Maybe…
Perhaps this is the fate to one not born a bender. Perhaps this is the fate of one who masquerades as an idiot.
They can never remember times when I've shown my intelligence. Evacuating the city that Jet tried to destroy was one. No one noticed that the reason I ignored Aunt Woo's predictions was because I believed in fact, science. Even just now at the northern air temple, will they accredit me to solving the dilemma of directing the air ship? And if they do, will they take note that a successful inventor who created things unimaginable to man could not do what I did!
I know they won't.
While, I won't hesitate to admit I am a bit of a glutton, and that at times (much of the time) I am awkward; that should not label me for idiocy. I'm a teenager still trying to understand everything about life. I'm just starting to leave childhood to mature into adulthood. What do you expect of me? To be refined, collected? Possibly you would prefer the prince's attitude to my own?
I'm sensitive, though I try to hide it. You can see it when anger lights my eyes when the fire nation is mentioned. You can see it when I dive upon Aang, time and time again, for something he has done to my sister. You can even see it when the passion of battle takes me over while I fight. I can hide my discomfort and doubts with easy smiles and bad jokes.
So what if they call me a pessimist? I'm simply realistic. They are still young. They don't fully understand the bitter harshness of mankind and his world. To expect that everything will end up the way you want it and for everyone to make it out unscathed isn't optimism. It's delusion.
And thus I am a classic case of the angsting teen.
They don't even think of me as that.
To be consumed with angst, one must be capable of deep thought. To them, my thoughts are shallow. I am simply a pessimist. Nothing more, maybe less.
After all, how could someone as self centered as myself be anything but shallow? Again, it is nothing but a façade. It boosts my almost nonexistent self esteem. It's not like anyone else will make me feel good about myself.
And even though they don't know it, it comforts them. With all the death and destruction following us, my comments are something familiar. And humans cling to familiarity like a life line. There is comfort in familiarity. It is something to hold on to; something solid and never changing that you can rely on when nothing else is safe.
Tell me, could an idiot such as me have truly come up with that thought?
Sarcasm is a wonderful thing, along with venting. Which is what I'm doing now. My thoughts have long ceased from musings dripping with angst.
But really-
Ow.
…
I just walked head first into a tree…
Okay, so maybe I'm not observant unless the situation calls for it, but that is no excuse for them to react as they do.
My sister shakes her head, that disapproving, belittling look that freezes my very core better than any water bending ever could.
The Avatar laughs. His eyes are filled with mirth at my misfortune. He cracks a few jokes at my expense before we continue on our way. His stance, gestures, all but screams 'you're an idiot.'
It's an expression I've seen before far too many times. It's an expression I never want to see again. Even when they don't speak, the looks of pity and annoyance scream at me; both in the present day and from my memories. They shriek, louder and louder, until I want to cover my ears and scream to drown the merciless laughter from my mind.
Don't they know actions speak louder than words?
They don't know it. Just because the words are not spoken aloud, it doesn't mean that I can't hear them.
So, when we make camp, I leave for a few moments. With no explanation or notice of my absence; I leave.
I wonder if they'll miss me if I don't come back. Would they wait for me? Or would they go on and leave me behind come morning? I'm not sure I would care. With every word, every insult, every petty, disheartening look, I distance myself further from them.
I'm sure they don't know that it hurts me.
I said before I'm sensitive guy.
Even if I left and never saw them again, I couldn't forget. Their faces, voices, personalities would always stay with me.
But what I would have the hardest time forgetting, what will always haunt me, are the words they say that they think I can't hear.
Even if nothing is said aloud, I will always, always hear them.
It's something I can't escape.