Citan
By Nightsong
The depths of the human spirit never cease to amaze me. Those depths are the only things I can not
explain away. Being as analytical as I
am, this has been hard to accept. I
explained away the existence of Id, along with countless other lives. I tried to convince myself that, despite my
knowledge of the key, and everything else that was to come, it didn't
matter. I knew that the 'lambs' were no
different than the Solarians. I merely thought they were different from me,
somehow inferior. After all, they
couldn't think like me. I tried to spare
their lives whenever possible, which is why I put away my blade. But it wasn't for them. I did it for myself. I didn't want to dirty my hands with them,
didn't want to have to think of them as people.
For if I had killed them, I would have been forced to
re-examine who they were, and who I was.
That's why I tried to save them whenever possible.
Even as I watched Fei for those
three quiet years, I tried to remain separate from the land-dwellers. That's why I lived in the mountains. I wanted to be aloof. I didn't want to care. But, try as I might, I began to, at least for
Fei. But then,
he wasn't a normal land-dweller. He was
a medical case for me to study. A schizophrenic. I
found him incredible fascinating. So,
maybe I didn't really care for him either, not at first. I wanted to help him, though, especially
after Lahan was destroyed. He had so much emotion within him… I didn't
know how to handle it. My wife wasn't
like that. We rarely spoke, even when we
lived together. She knew my secret, and
she didn't like it. She hated that I
served the Emperor. And
my daughter… I could not even once get her to call me 'father.' She rarely even spoke, and it was even rarer
that her words should be directed at myself. I suppose it is what I deserve. I gained a daughter just like myself,
analytical and uncaring.
So I had little trouble seperating
myself from them, to help Fei. I don't know why I went, that first
time. Perhaps I was just testing my Land
Crab. Perhaps I didn't want to go back
to Shevat, where Yui took the survivors of Lahan. But it's most
likely that I just wanted to continue studying Fei. He was by far the most interesting specimen
I'd ever been faced with. Specimen. Is that all
I thought of him? I tried to act caring
towards him, but he often annoyed me when I did. Since he was schizophrenic, he often had
trouble facing crises. I hated
that. Every time the slightest thing
would happen, he'd collapse. I tried to
put up with it, but
there were times when I snapped at him, told him he had to get up and face
reality. Of course, I had not right to
say that to him. I myself couldn't face
reality, couldn't face that the people I watched were PEOPLE, not a means of
entertainment for me. But I continued to
treat the entire situation like a study case.
I lied to Fei about my past, if it ever came
up. I warned no one of what was to come,
not even my closest friends. Perhaps I
never had any true friends. There was Sigurd, but I lied even to him. He thought we were escaping Solaris, when in
reality I was continuing to serve. I
wasn't serving those fools in the ministry, but I was serving nonetheless.
But I still didn't care.
When did it all become real to me? It wasn't when Id destroyed Entrenank. Not even
that slaughter, nor the slaughter of Elly's parents
could make the desperation of what was happening evident. I was blind.
I didn't care when Elly's parents were
killed. I didn't care when hundreds of
thousands of Solarians were killed on the whim of a
created personality. Not even when I saw
the people begin to turn into Reapers.
Perhaps it was when I watched Elly
speak to the people. From all that I
knew, she was Mother Sophia reborn, and this seemed evident as she spoke to
those who had been made into Wels. When I saw how deeply hurt she was by their
suffering, as though she should have somehow stopped it, everything became
apparent to me. The people were no
longer things for me to study. I was no
longer above them. It became clear that
they felt just as I felt, and that they were hurting partially because I had
done nothing to stop fate. Perhaps I
couldn't have stopped this from occurring.
But I should have tried. Then,
things deteriorated further. After the
key was used, almost all humans were changed.
There were but a few left whole.
We could not stop their suffering.
I could not stop it. And now,
finally able to see reality, I could do nothing but suffer with them. But I felt guilty even for that. I was not effected
by the key. I was still human. What could I possibly know of their
pain? It was as if I had used my own
pain as a way to escape looking at was going on. But I could not escape it.
And then we came upon Deus, supposed God of our world. It was nothing more than a robotic
abomination. But it was a powerful
abomination. It destroyed so much, and
all because Krelian wished to journey the stars. But I cannot blame him alone. I knew what the discovery of Mahanon would bring, as did all of the
inner circle. I did nothing to stop
them. I even aided them by watching over
Fei. What was
I? What am I now?
All that is left of our world is a wrecked Shevat, and a
great leech. Deus drains what is left of
our world, after his initial blast of destruction. My fault…
At least 95% of the world lies dead, or if not dead, then changed into
monstrosities, things that wish they could be dead. All we can do now is stop the thing. But can we even stop a thing considered to be
God? My mind tells me no. Everything I have ever learned tells me it is
beyond impossible. But my mind has done
nothing thus far, except allow destruction to come about. I will not trust it. I will go with what I know is right. I will fight, even if it means my death.
