Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars and all that jazz. :(
Title: Pooed
Summary: Have you ever felt a drop of rain land on your head and then come to realize that it was NOT a drop of rain, but something far worse? Obi-Wan has.
Timeframe: Right before TPM
Author's Note: This fic is somewhat based on a talkshow interview with Ewan McGregor (who plays Obi-Wan Kenobi) and "Ant and Dec."
Obi-Wan Kenobi had a bad feeling about the new mission. He and his master, Qui-Gon Jinn, were secretly being sent as ambassadors to negotiate an end to the Trade Federation Blockade of Naboo. The mission was supposed to be simple and short. Just negotiate with the Neimoidian viceroy and settle the conflict. That's all.
But perhaps it wasn't the mission that troubled Obi-Wan. Either way, he prayed to the Force that his doubts would not be confirmed.
The Jedi pair stepped off the transport and onto the landing platform hovering above one of the many busy traffic lanes of Coruscant. Obi-Wan trailed his Master two steps behind and to the right, like always.
But right in the middle of the landing platform, Obi-Wan froze in mid-step. Something wet landed on his head…
The Jedi Apprentice looked up to the sky with a curious expression scrunched on his face. There were no rain clouds, just a few of Coruscant's native birds flying overhead.
Obi-Wan held his breath.
No… it's not… He didn't even want to finish that thought.
Qui-Gon strode up the ramp onto the Republic Cruiser and sat down stiffly into a seat behind the two pilots. The Jedi Master acknowledged the pilots with a nod, while raising his hood over his head to cover his cerulean blue eyes. Qui-Gon shifted his gaze to the seat next to him only to realize that the seat was empty.
Still standing in the middle of the landing platform, Obi-Wan raised his right hand inch-by-inch and gingerly touched the top of his spiked hair. His fingers felt something wet. The Jedi quickly retracted his hand and to his horror, his fingers were saturated with white-greenish goop. The smell coming from his fingers confirmed his nightmare.
Obi-Wan should have been right behind him… Where—? Qui-Gon's thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a loud shrill of agony. The Jedi Master immediately sprang up from his seat and ran out of the cockpit.
"Ugh!" Obi-Wan shrieked. His face contorted into a look of pure disgust. I don't believe this! Nasty!
The appalled apprentice flicked his wrist to shake off the excrement, but his fingers were not the worst of his troubles. For the "drop" on his head began to ooze down his forehead.
Qui-Gon stopped dead in his tracks from the top of the boarding ramp. There—in the middle of the landing platform—was his padawan learner wallowing in great distress with a white-greenish mark trailing down his forehead.
"Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gon jogged forward and stood in front of his apprentice. The elder Jedi tilted his head slightly and lowered his hood. "What happened to you?"
Obi-Wan stared intently at his master, pointing his soiled fingers skyward. "A bird pooed on my head!"
A loud and powerful laugh erupted from Qui-Gon. He quickly clamped his hand over his mouth, stood up straight, and raised his hood back over his head. But judging by the unhappy glare coming from Obi-Wan, he wasn't doing a very good job of composing himself.
"Really?" was all Qui-Gon could say and even then, his voice was strained and high-pitched; a horrible attempt to stifle his great amusement of the situation.
Obi-Wan stood there, unmoving for a moment or two, trying to process what was going on. Okay, a blasted bird pooed on my head, it's nasty, it does not smell good, and my master is laughing at me and enjoying every second of it. That sounds about right…
"Yes, Master," the padawan finally answered. He then wiped his forehead with his clean hand—which was not so clean anymore—and held out both his hands to his master. "Really," he emphasized, wiggling his crappy fingers.
Qui-Gon chuckled heartily. "Come, Padawan mine," he smiled widely, wrapping his arm around Obi-Wan. "Let's get you on board and cleaned up before any other birds decide to make you a target again."
Obi-Wan—surprised and warmed that his master would embrace him in this repulsive situation—had to crack a smile. "Yes, Master."
As they made their way up the boarding ramp, Obi-Wan found that Qui-Gon was still trying to suppress his laughter.
Obi-Wan sighed loudly. "It wasn't that funny, Master."
"You're absolutely right, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said, steering his padawan toward the Cruiser's refresher.
Obi-Wan could feel the sarcasm dripping from his master's statement. Or was that the excrement dripping from his head? Oh, Force…
"Actually," Qui-Gon started, "I'm very proud of you."
Obi-Wan slowed his pace, obviously taken aback. "You are?"
"Why, yes, Padawan mine." Qui-Gon came to a halt and gazed at his apprentice with that oh so contagious smile that made Obi-Wan's cheeks grow warm.
Qui-Gon put his hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder and continued. "It pleases me to see that you are finally being mindful of the Living Force, my young Padawan."
Qui-Gon's smile turned into an evil smirk as he wiggled his clean fingers in front of Obi-Wan's face and cackled.
So much for the warm and tender moment…
Obi-Wan retorted by smacking his unclean hands against his master's and then 'affectionately' burying his head into the elder Jedi's chest.
Qui-Gon let out a cry of shock and promptly placed Obi-Wan into a headlock. With his padawan secured in his non-escapable grip, he dragged the boy toward the 'fresher to get cleaned up once and for all.
The young Jedi—both protesting and laughing—struggled in his master's grip while stumbling over his and Qui-Gon's legs.
All the while, the two Jedi were getting filthier and filthier from their struggle, smearing the mess all over each other and on the walls of the corridor. But neither of them cared. This was the first time in a long time that they were able to actually play together like this and both Master and Apprentice wanted to savor every bit of it… with the exception of all the crap.
The End
Author's Note: Hey, you made it to the end! Congratulations! As a reward, I will give you the link to the interview with Ewan McGregor! If you would like the link, just say so in your review (don't forget to include your email address!) and you will be one step closer to seeing Ewan talk about his poo encounter! He also talks about the movies Valiant, Trainspotting, taking his clothes off in public, and much more!
Believe it or not, this was my first Star Wars fic. So, please review! And no, I'm not going to give you the "go easy on me; I'm a newbie" speech. Just give me your honest opinion! All I ask is that you refrain from reviews like: "You suck! Go kill yourself!" At least tell my why I suck… or why I (hopefully) do not suck at writing Star Wars fics. Okay? On you mark… get set… review:)