The Letter from Desert Storm

Jack leant over a map in the sparse room he'd been allocated to plan his part of the mission in. Late at night and the heat was still oppressive, sweat trickled down the back of his neck making his loose khaki T-shirt stick to his brown skin. Dressed in desert fatigues, his brow furrowed in concentration, he was oblivious to the organised chaos of the base outside. Focussing on the task at hand was the only way he could keep his thoughts at bay – thoughts that promised to make him sick with anxiety if he didn't keep them on a tight leash.

He was interrupted by his commanding officer, who entered the room without knocking and grinned in a relaxed way as Jack snapped to attention and executed a sharp salute.

'At ease Lieutenant. Plans all in order?'

'Yes sir. Just double checking.'

The senior man eyed him carefully. Bauer was an earnest young man, but extremely competent and he'd had his eye on him ever since the first week of boot camp. He was just 25 years old and Desert Storm would be the first major action he'd seen – but those who'd worked with him up until this point were all sure he could handle the responsibility that had been placed on his young shoulders.

'Nervous Bauer?'

Jack glanced at him, not really comfortable with the question. But he couldn't avoid answering and he couldn't lie.

'A little sir.'

'Good. I'd worry if you weren't. You'll be fine though son, we wouldn't have given you command of some of our best men if we didn't think you could handle it.' It was the standard speech, but the Colonel actually meant it this time. He had no doubts about Bauer's competency and really hoped he wouldn't die.

'Well young man, I came to tell you that we are a go. You and your team will be moving into theatre in the morning. Your plans are sound, so go and do your job. Leave your personal effects with the quartermaster before you go.' He hesitated before his next action, it wasn't something he would normally do – but something compelled him. He took a step forward and held out his hand. Jack looked surprised but grasped the hand anyway.

'Good luck Jack.'

He turned on his heel and left the room, leaving the young Lieutenant staring at the doorway, so surprised he forgot to salute the retreating back.

It was an hour later before Jack finally admitted that going through his plans for the twentieth time wouldn't do him any good. He rolled up his map of the Iraqi desert near Baghdad, stored it and walked slowly towards his room. It was about 2am now but he knew he couldn't sleep yet. Worried about the lives entrusted to him the next day, he prayed over and over again that he wouldn't let anyone down, that no one would die the next day because of him. The plans were sound he knew – but he'd studied hard enough that he realised nothing was a sure thing when it came to war. You could never truly predict what the enemy might do.

He was worried about other things too. He might have to kill somebody over the next couple of days, maybe more than one person. He'd trained for it of course, but had never yet taken a life – and didn't know if he could. He guessed that you never really knew unless you were put in the situation where you'd have to – but still, he couldn't help thinking that three years before he'd been studying Literature in college, a peaceful subject that he'd loved...and now here he was. At war. About to lead men into a real life battle. The path to this point had made sense at the time, but at this particular moment he couldn't quite fathom how he'd got here.

And then, of course, there was his family. His pretty young wife and beautiful little girl, waiting for him at the base in Germany. Teri had been sick with worry when he'd left, he knew this even though she'd tried to hide it from him. But she hadn't been able to stop the tears the morning he'd left for Iraq, he'd had a hard job stopping them himself. Especially when Kim threw her arms around his neck and cried into his shoulder. That had been the worst part.

Jack reached his room and threw himself wearily on his bed. He'd tried to stop himself thinking about his family, knowing that it would be painful and add to his anxiety. But now he couldn't stop himself. He'd been putting off doing something but he couldn't anymore.

Personal effects. His mission the next day was a covert one, planned in conjunction with the British SAS. That meant his photos, his dog tags, anything that identified him for who he was had to be left behind in case he was captured. And the letter he hadn't yet written. The one to say goodbye, in case he never came back again. He'd almost hoped he could get away without writing it – but knew that he couldn't. He had to leave something behind, just in case. He rubbed his eyes, pulled himself off his bed and walked over to his desk. After staring at blank paper for about fifteen minutes, he finally began to write.

Honey

It's such a cliché to put 'If you're reading this, it's because I'm not coming back....' And I told myself I wouldn't use it. But I've been sitting here for fifteen minutes and I don't honestly think I can write anything else. Ironic isn't it? I've studied books for years but can't think of an original line to open a letter with. But then, I suppose it's not an ordinary thing to write.

I knew I'd someday have to write this letter, I accepted that the day I realised that you'd probably have to read it someday. I'm so sorry that you're reading it. Not because it means I'm dead, but because I know it will hurt you – and I promised your father that I'd never hurt you, the day I asked him for his permission to marry you.

You never knew I did that did you? I went to see him that afternoon, a few hours before I asked you down by the ocean – because I wanted to do it all properly. I wanted nothing but the best for you. So if you're reading this, then I've broken the promise I made him. I'm so sorry honey. I've let you down, you and Kim.

Please remember how much I love you. Above everything else, please remember that. And remember that I died doing something that I love, protecting something that I love.

I know that when we met, you never signed up to be an army wife but you went through it all for me. I can't even begin to comprehend why. I really didn't deserve someone like you, I know that. What you've given up to be with me....well, I'm so lucky to have had you. I'm so grateful and I can't begin to put into words what you mean to me. These last six years with you have been the most special of my life.

Look after Kim and make sure she doesn't forget me. Please tell her every day how much I love her and let her know how sorry I am that I can't be there to watch her grow up. I'll always be with her, with both of you. I've written her a letter too, for when she's eighteen. I know you'll make sure she gets it.

Promise me that you'll live your life sweetheart. You were always much stronger than me anyway. I know you'll get through this. And remember, I love you baby. More than I can ever say in a few words. I'll always be yours, yours and Kim's.

I'll sign off now. Looking back through this, it seems so inadequate. How can I convey everything I feel in these lines? But you know how I feel. You always do. So I guess I don't really need to say anything more.

Yours, now and always

Jack

It had taken longer to write than he thought it would. There would be no time to sleep. Jack looked out of the window at the sky that was beginning to lighten and prayed.....prayed that that promise to Teri's father would not be broken. That he'd be able to hold his daughter in his arms again – and look into the blue eyes of his wife and feel the warmth and love that only she could give him.