THE RANDOM HP TALK SHOW OF RANDOMNESS EPISODE 1
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Random Offstage Announcer Guy: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to…THE RANDOM HP TALK SHOW OF RANDOMNESS!!!! Please welcome your host, LOOOOOOOOOOORD VOLDEMORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Applause Enter Voldemort, today sporting a simple suit with an ascot and a simply smashing red smoking jacket. He is evidently attempting to look smart…yeah, good luck with that)
Voldemort: Well, HELLOOOOOOOOOO folks!! Welcome to The Random HP Talk Show of Randomness! We've got a FANTABULOUS show lined up for you today, so let's get cracking, shall we? Okee dokee! To start, let's have a Muggle volunteer from our in-studio audience.
Random Person: Oooh! Oooh! Me! Pick me! Pick me!
Voldemort: AVADA KEDAVRA!!!!!! (person dies) Alrighty then, now that I've got that out of my system, on with the show! As we all know, September is the month when we all want to get organized, what with back to school and all. SO, we have a very special guest with us today to show us how to do that! Please welcome the lovely MARTHA STUART!!!!
(Applause Enter Martha Stuart in that classic beige suit that she like NEVER changes out of)
Voldemort: Welcome to the show Martha! We're thrilled to have you with us today!
Martha: Thank you, it's a pleasure to be here!
Voldemort: Now what are you going to be showing us today?
Martha: Well, I'm going to start off with a very popular segment from my own show: "How to Decorate Your Evil Lair in 5 Easy Steps!"
Voldemort: Oh GOODIE! My lair needs a few touch-ups!
Martha: Well, you've come to the right place! Let's get started shall we?
(They waltz on over to the handy dandy little craft table SR)
Martha: Now, the first thing you'll want to do to revamp your Evil Lair is to pick a nice theme. Now I bet most of our viewers are thinking "But that's so obvious! The theme of an evil lair is…evil lair!" Aha, but that's where you're wrong. In fact, most Evil Lairs have simply MARVELOUS themes. Some of the most popular are 'Under the Sea', 'African Safari', and 'Over the Rainbow'. For my example today, I'm going to use our most popular theme of all: 'Barbie Fairy Princess Playhouse'!
Audience: OOOOOOOOH. AAAAAAAAH. Huh?
Voldemort: YAY! hops up and down clapping in excitement
Martha: Yes, that one always gets an enthusiastic response!
Audience: yawn
Voldemort: glares threateningly at audience
Random Person: Ooooooh, we're SCARED now!
Voldemort: AVADA KEDAVRA!!!!!! (person dies) Anyone else have an opinion?
Audience: Whips out steno pads and pens
Voldemort: That's what I thought. You were saying, Martha?
Martha: So, that's step one. Step 2: wall color and pattern. Now for this example, we've picked a nice shade of tickle-me pink...
(The audience had fallen asleep by now. Martha drones on and on and on and on and ON AND ON AND AHHH WILL IT EVER END!!!! Charlie the backstage manager puts on like 6 commercial breaks, but neither Martha nor Voldemort notices. By the end of the segment, Martha has created this hideous diagram of an evil lair; hot pink with ballerinas all over the walls, fluffy purple carpet (great for hiding stains!), little Barbie furniture and even a little girl's tea set. She is now in the process of adding frilly pink lace curtains)
Martha: …and the lace edging adds an elegant touch to décor. And look what a nice evil lair we've created!
Voldemort: claps That was a wonderful segment, Martha, thank you so much!
Audience: no reaction. They're all asleep. One guy's head rolls over onto his neighbor's shoulder. Some woman in the third row is drooling on her husband's new shirt
Voldemort:louder Thank you Martha!
Audience: still nothing. Somebody lets a huge snore rip
Voldemort: yelling as loud as he can THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING ON THE SHOW MARTHA!!!!!!!!!
Audience: jerks awake. They hurriedly begin halfhearted applause
(Martha shakes hands with Voldemort and leaves. Voldemort looks at the clock and jumps about a foot in the air)
Voldemort: HOLY GUACAMOLE! We ran out of time THREE AND A HALF HOURS AGO!!! Well, see ya next time folks! BUH BUH BYES!!!!!!!
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A/N:
Hey guys, thanks to all my reviewers for my HSM fic 'Midnight'! Sorry its been so long but this story was a long time coming. I had it on another site before it went haywire, and I lost about half of it, so I had to think of new ideas to rewrite. The idea for this chappie came from the lovely FloatingBubbles, so thank you to her for the great input!
If anybody has an idea for an episode, please review and tell me! If you don't have an idea, REVIEW ANYWAY! It's been a while, so no flames por favor! Thanks a bunch!
As always,
XdefyXgravityX