Denial.
He didn't know why his eyes had flicked towards Spike when Nancy had asked her question. He didn't know why he was shocked when he had found spike looking back at him. He didn't know if he wanted to know why he had felt complimented by the gaze. He ignored the tension that had sprung up between them, palpable enough to taste. He told himself that he was aroused because he was standing beside three very attractive women and by the sudden thought that Anya and Buffy had never slept together… as far as he knew. When that arousal had sharpened during Spike and Anya's fight he assured himself that it was simply because he had always been attracted to strong women. It had nothing to do with Spike's fluid movements and the hungry look in his eyes.
When he and Anya had reacquainted themselves with each others bodies on the cot in the basement he had ignored the added intensity of passion that had coursed through him as he realised that Spike would be able to smell their coupling when he returned. He told himself that it was the danger of discovery that heightened his arousal and the relief of having Anya in his arms once more. When they left the basement he told himself not to change the sheets because supplies were low. It had absolutely nothing to do with wanting Spike to be surrounded by their scent, with his scent. He didn't acknowledge the thought that Spike had always been aroused by the scent of sex. He pushed away the image of Spike relieving that arousal manually. He ignored the bolt of renewed arousal that image conjured.
So now that they were driving away from the crater that had been Sunnydale, away from that place where Spike had finally become dust, he told himself that the feelings of loss and grief he felt were for Anya and for Buffy's pain at loosing Spike; for the loss of an ally and the loss of the only home he'd ever known. He didn't acknowledge that the pain of Spike's passing was as raw as the pain at the loss of Anya. That night when he cried he denied that Spike's face as much as Anya's was in his mind.
fin
A/N. First attempt at something vaguely slash. Also one of the first fanfics written by me that I don't dislike quite alot. Definitely the first fic that I'm actually gonna put online.
Oh and I own nothing. Please don't sue. I'm in enough financial difficulties as it is. I promise to play nicely…. Maybe.