WARNING: This fanfiction is Shonen-ai meaning boy on boy lovin'. If you're not into that kind of thing, well, don't read. It's as simple as that.
SUMMARY: Okay, this idea came to me by listening to "When You Were Young" by The Killers and it seemed to fit so perfectly I jus had to write it.
Duo's troubled by memories of his past and feelings of the present. What does the future have in store? Is there any help for Duo?
"blah" Dialogue
'blah' Thoughts
blah Song lyrics
blah Flashback
When You Were YoungDuo sat alone in the safehouse. Everyone was gone. Quatre and Trowa had gone off to get food while Wufei was working on planting explosives at the nearest OZ base and Heero… Heero was off on yet another solo mission. All the other pilots had left the God of Death to himself to be lost in the quiet solitude of his mind.
How long ago was it when he had first realized? He couldn't even remember… All he knew was that it was strong. Strong enough to make him want to cry every time the Japanese boy so much as glanced at him. He used to deny how he felt towards the Wing pilot, but has long since discovered it was no use. He loved him. Duo was in love with Heero.
You sit there in your heartache…
Duo sat on the window seat watching as the tiny drops on the window glided slowly down the glass as they collide into each other, making them fall faster to the bottom of the pane. He had no idea how long he'd been staring at the window, but he let out a heavy sigh and stood.
The braided boy walked slowly letting his feet guide him. It was funny how they always led him to the same place when he thought of Heero. He walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. No need to lock it, no one would be back for a while. He reached to the cabinet above the sink and opened it, finding what he knew he shouldn't be looking for.
Duo took out a small metal case and laid it on the counter in front of him. He looked at it for a few moments before the little voice in the back of his head told him to open it, and so he did. Inside there were two small metal blades. He stared at the small objects for a moment before taking one from the case.
It had become a sort of ritual. He would walk into the bathroom, take out the metal case and try to tell himself he wouldn't do it. He had always failed. He knew he was weak.
Sitting on the floor with his back against the counter, he rolled up his black sleeve and closed his eyes. Duo relished in the sharp sting he felt as the blade ran across his flesh, but in his heart he knew he was wrong to be doing this. It made him feel sick to his stomach that he enjoyed the pain. He disgusted himself, but he couldn't stop. He'd tried, but he somehow always ended up in that same room on the same floor. It freed him for a while… Freed him of his pain, his guilt, and his memories. No mater how hard he tried, he knew only one thing – one person – could make him forget.
…This needed to stop.
Waiting on some beautiful boy
To save you from your old ways…
As Duo sat curled up on the bathroom floor, thoughts of the past came to him. The wars, the training, his childhood… No. He wouldn't think of that today. He turned his thoughts away from the sorrow of his past as Heero flooded his mind. He didn't know how long he'd sat there lost in his thoughts. He'd wondered for the first time what Heero would do if he ever found out what Duo did while he was alone. He wondered if he'd be upset. He wondered if he would ever understand.
You play forgiveness…
In the distance of his mind, Duo heard a faint calling, but before he knew what it was, the bathroom door was opening.
Watch it now, here he comes…
Duo stared up in shock and horror of who was standing in the doorway of the small safehouse bathroom. He tried to look away, but found that he could not tear his gaze, which was hooked on dark cerulean eyes. Those eyes that never spoke were suddenly windows to hidden messages never meant to be revealed. They were wide with surprise, confusion and… fear…?
Before Duo could speak, Heero was by his side pressing damp cloths on his forearms. Duo hissed in pain and Heero looked up at him sympathetically.
"Duo, you're going to be alright."
The braided pilot could only stare at the taller boy as the words that were spoken by the Japanese boy penetrated his whole being. 'He's helping me. But why…? Is he really that worried…?'
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus,
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young…
During dinner, Heero had remained quiet. The others had gotten back not long after Heero was done attending to Duo's wounds.
'Just how long was I in there for??' Duo asked himself, looking around at the three pilots who were oblivious to the events of earlier that day.
He was thankful it was Heero who had found him and not one of the other pilots, especially Quatre. Duo liked the blond, of course, but he would certainly have told everyone and Duo did not want them to know. He knew Heero wouldn't tell the others because it wasn't his business to tell. To everyone else, Duo was the same bouncing hyperactive person he always was, but to Heero, his mask had been cracked. How was he ever going to get through this? It was Duo's biggest fear. He'd been caught and there was no way to take that back.
Can we climb this mountain? I don't know…
Higher now than ever before…
Duo retired to his room shortly after he was finished eating and collapsed on his bed. As soon as his body hit the mattress a million thoughts started swirling around in his head. 'Why did he help me? How long had I been lying on the floor? This is all just a very bad dream. How could I have been so stupid? Why can't I stop? He looked so scared… I should have locked the door…'
The distraught teen's thoughts were interrupted as the door to his and Heero's shared bedroom opened and then closed again. Duo sat up and looked towards the door, but in the dim light coming only from the bedroom Window, he could only make out the tall, slender figure standing in the middle of the room. Although he couldn't see them, Duo could feel Heero's eyes on him and when he did he turned his own away in shame.
"Duo, Why…" Heero fell short, unable to finish the burning question that has been plaguing his mind all evening. Heero could just barely see the other boy's eyes in the darkness, but he could tell they were crying. He felt a slight pang in his chest as his heart filled with sadness. In a few short steps, Heero was on the bed with Duo, arms wrapped around the shorter boy's shoulders.
"Duo…" He said in a soft voice, "you scared me today…"
I know we can make it if we take it slow.
Take it easy, easy now, watch it go…
Duo's eyes went wide at Heero's words. "Heero… I-I'm sorry…" He didn't know what else to say. What else could there be? He was sitting on his bed with Heero's arms still holding him close. His senses were filled with Heero and Duo took it all in. His smell, his touch, everything was Heero, and he knew it. Duo felt as if he was on fire and a whirlwind of emotion hit him. He never wanted to let go of this moment. 'And nothing can ever make me.'
We're burning down the highway skyline
On the back of a hurricane
That started turning when you were young…
When you were young…
Duo had fallen asleep in Heero's arms, but the Japanese boy hadn't cared. He just held him for a while longer wondering what could have happened that caused Duo to hurt himself. He'd always been the happy one…right? Heero's brow furrowed in is thoughts, but a slight shiver from Duo snapped him out of his daze. He laid the smaller boy down onto the bed and covered him in a blanket.
The Wing pilot sat on the edge of Duo's bed as he watched his chest rise and fall steadily. The sudden urge to touch the other boy's cheek washed over Heero and his hand moved to the heart-shaped face of the sleeping Deathscythe Pilot. A moment passed before the hand pulled away and Heero got up from the bed and walked to the laptop on the desk. He knew he had to get the report from the day's mission at least started, but as he opened the computer, his thoughts once again turned to the braided boy.
It once frustrated Heero to catch himself thinking of Duo, thinking it was a mere distraction, but as hard as he tried, he could never get the boy completely out of his head. He had finally surrendered to the fact that he cared for the other pilot, but it was not until that afternoon that he realized just how much. His thoughts wandered back to the earlier that day…
Heero wandered in the door from his solo mission and felt something strange. It was the same feeling he had the whole way back to the safehouse and a little before that, but now it was strong. He looked around the room and found no trace of anyone. He walked around the house slowly and as he neared the bathroom the feeling in his stomach grew into one that he knew all too well. Fear. For some reason as he stood outside the bathroom he felt sheer terror and that same feeling told him Duo was inside that room.
"Duo?" He called out softly, but there was no reply. With a trembling hand Heero opened the door and as soon as he did wished he could close it again, but he couldn't move. All he could do was stare in horror at the pale damaged body on the floor.
Heero shuddered at the memory wishing that somehow he would forget the whole incident by morning, but he knew he wouldn't. It would be etched into his mind for the rest of his life.
A small noise from the sleeping Duo roused Heero from his thoughts as he quickly turned to face the boy. By the light of his computer, Heero could see a layer of sweat on the other boy's forehead and quickly shut his laptop and went to Duo's side.
He was mumbling, what he was saying was unclear, but what was evident was the fear in his voice. More mumbling. 'Duo, what is it?' Heero thought as he watched the sleeping boy twist in his sleep.
"No… stop… please no…Father Maxwell…" Were the only audible words Heero heard before Duo resorted back to the mumbling Heero could not understand.
And sometimes you close your eyes
And see the place where you used to live…
When you were young…
"NO!" The scream filled the room as Duo bolted up, but he hit something. It was strong, but welcoming and he leaned into it as he was enveloped in arms. Heero's arms.
Heero had thought Duo would free himself of his arms, but Duo made no attempt to move. Heero felt a slight trembling and realized that the smaller boy was once again crying. A hand moved to the back of the braided head as Heero pulled him in closer.
"Don't worry, Duo. I'm here and I'm not going to let anything happen to you, I promise. Please… Stop crying…"
Heero's voice was soft and warm against Duo's ear and Duo silently wished Heero would be the one to help him. He wanted it so desperately as he clung to the Japanese boy in fear that it was another dream and when he really woke, Heero would not be there.
It was times like these when Duo would go to the bathroom and sit on the floor and relish in his pain, but he knew that was not possible now. He also knew that if he did so now he might cut too deep and never wake up.
"Duo…" Whispered Heero, "I wish you tell me what happened to you to make you want to…" He trailed off. He couldn't say it. Damn him for being so weak at a time like this! "Why did you do it?" He finally said, a little more blunt than he would have liked.
Duo pulled himself away from the warmth of Heero just enough to look him in the eye. For a moment Duo just stared at him, searching his eyes for something, anything that would give him an excuse not to tell him. There was nothing.
Duo thought of all the sins he had committed… He thought back to the nightmare he'd just had, the Maxwell Church burning to the ground, He being the only survivor. It was as if Death didn't want him to die. As if it were some sick joke being played on him and every spiritual Being was getting a great laugh out of it.
They say the Devil's water,
It ain't so sweet.
You don't have to drink right now…
That was why he did it. Or at least, that's how it started. How could he explain that to Heero? Would he even understand? He wasn't sure, but before he could decide what to say, he was pouring his heart out to the other boy and no way would he be able to stop until he was finished.
"I did it because it helps me release all the pain I'm feeling… all the bottled up emotions seem to leave with the blood. It's the only time I can feel free from my misery… my past… It only used to be every now and then, but lately… There're these feelings that keep coming back to me and no matter how hard I try I can't get rid of them… So I do it hoping they'll go away, but they never do and I feel guilty, so ashamed because these new feelings have nothing to do with the war or the pain I've caused to so many people, I feel so selfish because it's all about what I want and I feel sorry for myself because I know I'll never have the one thing I want more than anything in the world… the only person I can ever love… and now… I can't help it. I can't stop…"
But you can dip your feet
Every once and a little while…
Duo ended his confession in a whisper, but all the words rang clear in Heero's ears. Duo had been in pain, but he never saw it… It was hidden behind the joker who never had a care in the world. How wrong he had been… But there was one thing that hurt Heero more than anything else Duo had said. He was in love.
You sit there in your heartache,
Waiting on some beautiful boy
To save you from your old ways…
Duo looked up at Heero with tears-stained cheeks and winced at what he saw in the other boy's eyes. Regret. Pain. Hurt? …Sadness?? Without thinking, Duo threw his arms around Heero. 'Why is he sad? I did this… I caused this pain…' "Heero, I love you…"
You play forgiveness,
Watch it now, here he comes…
It took Heero a moment for his mind to register what he had heard. Was it his imagination? No, he had actually said it. Duo was in love, but it wasn't with someone else… It was Him. Duo loved him. Heero felt a wave of emotion wash over him, but it was one he was not used to. He almost didn't know what it was until he realized what it had to be. This was happiness.
Heero pulled away from the smaller boy and saw fear written all over his face. 'Fear of rejection?' Heero thought, 'how could you possibly think I would ever turn you away?' and with that final thought, Heero took Duo's face in his hands and placed a soft heated kiss on his lips.
Duo sat wide-eyed for a mere moment before returning the kiss with passion. He never thought it possible, but it was the blatant truth. He was saved. Heero had saved him.
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus,
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young…
When you were young…
He kissed Heero hungrily with more feeling and emotion than he'd ever allowed himself to give to anyone, including himself.
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus…
The feeling of dizziness came over both young boys and they recognized the need for air. They parted, panting hard and looking deep into the other's eyes. There was nothing there that one of them had not felt during the soul-searing kiss they had shared. Oxygen had been refuelled and their lips crashed together once more hoping this one would last as long as they waned.
He doesn't look a thing like Jesus…
Duo was lost in the pleasure of the kiss and the feeling of Heero's body so close to his. He didn't know what would happen tomorrow, but what he did know, was that in this instant, this one small moment in time, Duo had been set free.
But more than you'll ever know…
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