Looking in the mirror, I am not sure I see what others do. I am looking now. I see someone who is plane, but pretty. "I am pretty" I think to myself. Why then, do others seemingly not see me at all.
I do all the things they do. I buy the trendy lipsticks and the newest clothing. I see them. Why don't they see me?
I work in a publishing house in New York City. It's a well established and sought after publishing house. People send their novels and stories here, everyone wants to be discovered here. It is funny. I work at a place where people seek discovery, and yet I go almost un-noticed.
My job is here is to check the novels and manuscripts sent in by those seeking fame or notoriety. I read them first. I get lost in their stories. I find myself living thru their words. Perhaps this is why in my life, I am or feel that I am invisible. i spend so much of my day in the world of others, that I am not alive in my own.
Its 7am and I am rushing to make the train. I scoot in thru the door just badly making it. There are no open seats, so I stand look around. There is a younger guy sitting there, who by all accounts could stand and give his seat so someone, but he stares right through me.
As I walk into the office I am greeted by the doorman, who it turns out was just opening the door for the beautiful woman walking behind me. I say thank you to him anyway, and continue on my way.
Every morning, I walk into that office I think the same thought. Today, someone will ask me to lunch. Or ask me if I saw whatever the new comedy about 6 friends living in an apartment they couldn't possibly afford, but everyone believes in and wildly loves.
Ask me what i did last night or just get my opinion on something. Today - that is going to happen. Today. . .
So far, it doesn't happen and I'm on my second cup of coffee. Coffee I'm not really sure i even want or enjoy, but I have each day-hoping that this will be an opportune time for someone to strike up a conversation with me.
I really do like my job. I get to read all day, how could I not? Living vicariously through someone else cleverly crafted words is a loners dream.
About 12 o'clock i hear the rumblings of yet another birthday cake celebration. My birthday has come and gone and while I give to the birthday fund, my birthday somehow gets forgotten. Sally in accounting stated it was on oversight when I brought it to her attention, and gave me a gift certificate to a restaurant i will most likely never go too, to make up for it. I am waiting to see if this year, it gets forgotten again.
I decided that I was going to join in the singing of the birthday song, and shuffle over to the group, but as i approached they were finishing, and the group dispersed.
As I sat back at my desk, and looked around the room i wondered….if I were to just not show up … would anyone here even notice? Would anyone care? I mean … if I am being honest, it's not like they TOTALLY ignore me. They interact with me about work, and manuscripts and things. They call with questions, and reports…just not to hang out after work…or have birthday cake or lunch.
On the way home from work that day I passed by the travel agency on the corner, the one I walk passed every day on the way to the train station. Today - I walked inside.
I was looking at all the different brochures on the wall. I was again, like the manuscripts i read all day - taken away by them.
THATS IT! I am going to go away … I am going away and I am going to be someone else for a while. Where shall I go? Paris? No… can't speak french. Greece? No… not my style. I will stay here, in our country and just hang out somewhere new. I will reinvent myself, just for a week.
Soooo… bus? fly? or shall i rent a car and drive… hmmm…. the possibilities are endless.
OK…I will take the bus. For more than one reason, really. Cost, mainly…. becoming someone else, is probably going to be expensive. Now - where? TEXAS! I have never been to Texas and they say everything in Texas is bigger, so why can't I be?
Of course, I didn't mention to anyone that I was going away. I simply filled out my vacation request and sent it to HR and on Friday I left work without fanfare.
On the train home that night, I thought about the new "me" . I had always gone by the name Katherine, but I think, for the next week - I will just be Kat. Just Kat.
I was so excited and happy to be packing for the next morning. I sort of got caught up in the dream of what I hoped would be - and who I hoped I would meet, or rather, who would want to meet me.
Saturday morning, as i walked into the bus station, i noticed that the bus shared the station with the train. Since in my uber excitement I arrived a few hours early for my departure I sat and watched the people going and coming from the train. They didn't seem to have the same look as those riding on the bus. The bus passengers looked, almost haggard. I don't want to look haggard on this adventure. 'the new me has to be fresh!" so off i went to a counter at the train station and was luckily able to trade my bus ticket for a train ticket.
My excitement has now grown exponentially!
I am boarding the train now, and it seems like there are a lot of younger people and people my age boarding with me. Not many children, and hardly no families. I guess they don't bring children on the train? I couldn't stop smiling. I was so proud of myself, not only that I was going away - but as a last minute change, a fly by the seat of my pants sorta move…the new me was emerging. And I liked it.
Although i have always been concerned about my weight, and my appearance, in the station as i waited i purchased some magazines and junk food. I am all but 130 pounds and on my 5'10 frame - a little junk food won't hurt!
The train cars looked comfy. i took my time walking between cars until i found the perfect seat. Quickly I put my bag in the overhead and sat down, putting my shoulder bag filled with goodies beside me in the empty chair.
After about 15 minutes or so, we were off. The window seat where I settled was perfect, I could see the land, the cities were rolling by and i could see everything. It was magnificent.
As day grew to night, i grew tired of sitting. I pulled down my bag from the overhead and put in on my seat, only taking my shoulder bag with me, sans junk food and gossip magazines. Walking toward the food and beverage car I just looked upon all of the people traveling together, couples…friends…perhaps co-workers…everyone looked happy. Then i noticed a man, when i passed him by he looked up and smiled at me. He too was sitting alone, and reading. But his smile sent a jolt thru me and we locked eyes, he was beautiful. I looked away as I passed him, stopping once to glance back.
I reached the dining car and took a seat. I was at a table next to an older couple. I ordered tea and a banana muffin. I caught myself staring at the older couple, and i couldn't help myself. I was in awe of the way they interacted with one another. it was so sweet. At one point she almost seemed annoyed with him, but in a way i had never seen before. Not in an angry way, but in a loving, caring way - like a mother would be with a child. I marveled in this site. Is this what I am missing. Someone your so completely yourself with that you can be annoyed and so one with that person that it still causes you to smile… It IS what i am missing. And what I want.
I turn away from them, and look out the window into the darkness….in the window i could see the reflection of someone approach my table. It was him. The man who smiled at me. I gasped.
He passed by my table…and for a moment, I thought he was going to come over to me. I laughed to myself, and looked back out into the darkness. I turned to sip the last bit of my tea when he came by again. I didn't react, or look up at him. And then there he was.
Standing beside my table. Looking at me, smiling.
I choked a bit on my tea, as I looked up at him. Then he asked if he could join me.
In my head I screamed ' YES, YES YOU CAN" but instead I calmly said, "of course"
"I am Logan, and you are?" he asked
"Good to meet you, Logan. I'm Kat"
"Kat? is that short for something?"
"No..just Kat" I replied sheepishly.
He smiled, WE smiled at each other for what seemed to be an eternity….
and then he motioned to the waiter, who brought him his order. A sandwich and a chocolate milk. I giggled.
"What?" he grinned, with a smile that just sent me thru the roof. "You think Chocolate milk is silly?"
"SILLY? noooo, not silly at all. I mean, I thoroughly enjoyed chocolate milk when i was 8 years old"
"ah…see there, you DO think its silly"
I just smiled at him…God, he was pretty.
"Well" he continued "I love it. Always have. I have it whenever I get the chance"
OK, this is the cutest thing I have ever heard.
"I see you enjoy tea, how grown up of you." he said with a cleaver smile.
We both took this moment as an ease into our conversation. It felt nice.
We talked for what seemed to be forever. About nothing really… but to me - it felt like everything. I learned he was divorced, recently…and had no children. He learned I worked in and industry that i really enjoyed and excelled in. That I had many influential friends, and i was adored by all of them. Or rather, Kat was.
Night turned quickly into day and we were still chatting. In the very wee hours of the morning, I stated that I needed to go to my seat, and that i need to catch a few hours of sleep if I was going to be any sort of good that next travel day. "I want to enjoy tomorrow, as much as I did today" I said to him. He asked if he could walk me back to my seat, and at first I wanted him too, but i paused. "or perhaps I could join you?" I stood and said to him, "how about this, How about we meet back right here for lunch. and we will see what the day brings?" and with that…i turned and went back to my seat. When i glanced back this time…he was still smiling at me. That smile, is what I was thinking of as i drifted off to sleep.
I woke up and it was dark. I was confused, because I had gone to sleep in the morning, and it was light. WOW...I must have really needed that. But now I have slept the whole day away. Logan? I didnt go and meet him. He must think I blew him off! I dont even know where his seat is to go and see him. I launch from my seat and rush to freshen up and find him.
Making my way thru the cars, I try and remember where I first saw him. When I passed by and he smiled at me. I walk thru each car frantically scanning each seat in the dark. I dont see him.
The train was moving at a pretty good speed, losing my footing a few times we sped thru the night. My heart was racing. Did I miss an oppertunity here? Will i find him? what is he thinking?
All of the sudden and out of nowhere I was jolted violently and tossed to the floor. I could hear sounds I wasnt familar with. It sounded like metal rubbing together, or scraping... i was hearing loud crash noises, and smelled smoke I thought. I was beeing tossed so hard and tossed about that I lost bearing. I was trying to grab ahold of anyhthing I could, but wasnt able to. I could hear people screaming, cries for help, but it was dark and I coudlnt see. Then I saw some light... it was fire.
Then darkness.
Chapter two.
When I woke up I was still in a haze of confusion. I couldnt tell where i was. i could sit up, but just a little bit. . . and as I did I winced in pain. I could see in the distance what seemed to me a gnarled smokey mess of metal, that used to be the train. The cars were piled on top of each other and i could smell and see smoke. I felt dizzy, and had to lay back down. I could hear sirens and people off in the distance, and i laid back, knowing someone would come for me soon. My body felt heavy and I fell back into the darkness.
In what seemed to be minutes later, i was awake again. But I couldnt see the train, or hear anyone. I was in a room. On a bed. I was in the hospital. It was light, but not bright. I thought this was odd for a hospital. My body was sore. I tried to sit up, but screamed - the pain was so severe. I laid there trying to remember what the hell happend. I couldnt.
I tried looking around the room again, my eyes, filled with tears were hard to focus. I could now see however, that I was in a room, but not a hospital room. Across from me I could see a small fireplace. Now I was afraid, and confused. I saw a table, a door and what seemed to be a doorway into another room. I was in someones HOUSE! But WHY?
When I tried sitting up again, I heard someone say "just lie still." I was paralized with fear. I closed my eyes as tightly as I could, hoping to awake from this nightmare i seemed to be in.
"dont move around, your middle is cut" said the voice. Then i saw someone move in front of me. I could only see them from the back. I watched as they walked to a table and then turn to me. With the light from the fire behind i could just make out the silhoette of the person. They came over to where i was.
"Here, try and drink this." they handed me a cup. I couldnt move to take it "you need to rest." and they turned and walked away.
after i had laid there a while i my eyes had adjusted to the light in the room. i also felt like i could sit up slightly. I looked around. I was alone in the room.
My jaw hurt. My arms and legs were so stiff. I Seemed to be cut in my torso...they had me bandaged. There was a door to the outside, and it was open. I could see that it was light out. I slowly moved to sit up and put my feet onto the floor. It was painful, really painful, but i needed to find out what the hell happend to me.
My leg seemed like it was broken, so standing wasnt happening. Just then, a woman came back in thru the open door. I just glared at her, and didnt say a word.
"your up" she said "ok then, lets get you some water" she brought me back the cup of water "here" she said thrusting it at me. "you havent had much .. your gonna need plenty to get yourself healed" i took the cup from her and drank the water down quickly. It was cold and I wanted more. I handed her back the cup.
"Thirsty?" she said "I figured you'd be" I tried to stand again. "I wouldnt try that again, U got a broke leg. I was waitin for you to wake up so i could check it, but it looks broke" she handed me more water. "you were pretty banged up when i found you, the leg was the least of my concern"
"I was on the train..." I said
"yep"
"I was asleep, and when I woke up..." my voice trailed off, i was trying to remember.
"The train" she said "it crashed. i found you laying in the field, everyone had left, you were thrown pretty far...they hadnt looked that far and they left you behind"
I WAS LEFT BEHIND?! FORGOTTEN?
"Where am I now?" I asked as tears fell from my eyes like rain from the sky.
"your here, with me... i will take care of you, and get you well. no need for tears. your ok"
"i feel sick" I layed back down. She grabbed a bucket and layed it next to me. "Here, if ya gotta go" and out the door she walked.
The room was spinning and I closed my eyes tightly until I calmed down. How could they have left me? How could they have not looked high and low for everyone on that train! I was now angry. I wondered where she had gone. I called out.
"hello?"
"you ok?" she said from outside the open door.
"I think so..." She came back into the room.
"do you feel like you can move some?" she asked - "yes" I said.
She came over and pulled me up. "lean here, on this side. Dont use that bum leg, use me...I will take you outside for some air" I stood up beside her, my leg hurt so badly and my stomach ached with nausea and pain from my wound. But I needed to be outside. She helped me thru that open door, my eyes burned from the brightness of the sun. She took me over and sat me in a chair that was just outside the doorway. I looked around.
"where are we?"
"Louisianna" she said
I was sitting there, trying to remember what had happend. I started going over it again outloud.
"OK, I was on the train, it wrecked...they left me...and now your here, taking care of me... in Louisnia..."
"yes" she said
"are you a doctor?" I asked "no" she replied
"what is your name?"
"Bea"
"Well, Bea. Thank you for finding me. And nursing me ... but why didnt you take me to a hospital or try and flag down some of the rescue people?"
"aint no hospital around here, and they were long gone by the time i found you. I came upon the wrecked train and was just looking for stuff around it... i found a few bags, and some canned things. When i found you, i had to bring u back up here. It took me a while"
"how long have i been here, with you?" I asked her...looking off into the distance. "goin on 6 days now i reckon..." she answered. "you should try and eat something now. you reckon you can stomach something to eat?" "i can try"
She got up and went back inside. I sat looking out into the distance. It was all trees. Whereever i was, it looked like the wilderness. I couldnt see anything but trees. It was breezy and quiet. You could hear all of the animal and insects, the wind smelled sweet and clean.
When she came back outside she handed me a large peice of bread and some fruit. First I ate the bread, it was fresh and delicious... "its good" i told her. "You can hold it down thats a good thing... " she said as she handed me some water. She had with her also a walking stick of some kind...she handed that to me as well. "Your leg may just be tattered a bit, we will get you walking using this here stick. If you can handle it, it aint broke" I guess this was how she was going to medically determin if i had broken it, to her credit she DID say she was NOT a doctor. "This is how your going to see if its broken or not? if I can walk with this stick?" i asked her like a smart ass school girl. "You know of another way?" she quipped back
I sat up as sternly as i could and said to her 'Well, if you would call someone to come for me, I will be out of your way" she answered without hesitation "aint got a phone up here to call anyone. woulda done that when i found you if I did" and she walked back inside.
No phone, No hospital - I am in the woods with a mountain lady? Through the door I heard her say "eat the rest of the food, and then have some more water and we will see if you can walk." I was stunned. I sat there wondering what I was going to do. She then came outside and walked passed me dissapearing into the woods. Now I am really freaking out.i had no idea where I was, who Bea is and where she went OR if she was even coming back. Then I remembered something that scared me even more. The reason that they stopped looking and didnt find me, wasnt because they just gave up. They didnt have me accounted for on that train, because at the last minute i switched from the bus to the train. Not even the travel agent ... she thinks i was on the bus also. OH NO...Nobody is looking for me! This realization has sent me into a tailspin. I am sweating and dizzy again.
sitting up again in my chair I started to look around at where i was. I thought if i was going to get out of here, i needed to know where i was and in what direction i should go. I was sitting on what i thought was the front porch of a house. I looked closer at what i was sitting on. It was a chair, but a really old chair, held together with vines and tree limbs. As far as my eyes could see, all i saw were trees. I tried standing again, using the walking stick Bea had given me. The pain in my leg was unbearable. I hobbled with the stick as well as i could. I walked away from the porch and chair until I could turn to look back at the house I was being cared for in. I gasped...it wasnt a house at all! it was what looked like a house, but it was encased in the side of the mountain that was behind it. It looked like more of a cave, than a house! "WHERE IN THE HELL AM I!" I screamed - and I turned and started hobbling away as fast as I could, into the woods. Surely I can make my way to a road, and flag down a car! The pain in my leg is excruciating but the adrenaline raced through my body enableing me to walk. The faster I walked the more trees there were. I finally saw a clearing, and some light, it has to be a road...it just has to be. If i can make it to the clearing, someone will see me. Someone will find me.
Cutting thru the last of the trail, and coming out of the trees, i was expecting a road or some sort of civilization. What I found was nothing more than a field. Open ground leading to more openess. My eyes filled with tears and disbelief. Just passed the clearing was a small cliff, overlooking more of the same.
I was panting and sweating, trying to catch my breath. I fell to my knees, collapsing from adreneline crash and horror. I began to openly weep. I sat there for what seemed to be an eternity before I heard her walking up behind me. She stood there silently, waiting it seemed, for me to speak.
"Where am I?" I said without turning toward her.
she still didnt speak.
Turning to face her I said "Bea, where are we?" tears streaming down my face. Quietly she said "i found you and brought you here to fix you. I dont mean to scare you or hurt you. I live here. this is my home." She paused, then continued "You need to get up and follow the trail back, you need rest. You aint gonna get to your home, if you dont rest." Then she turned and walked away. I stayed, sitting there, looking out at the distance.
My head was spinning. My mind going in a thousand different directions. How is this woman, the woman who HAS to be all of 100 years old, how did she drag me from the crash site, all the way up here, to God knows where? and Why is she living up here, alone? where is her family? I dont know what to do. I did know that I was stuck. I had to go back. I stood, and took a moment to look around.
It is so beautiful here. Maybe thats why she is here. The colors and smells really are amazing. I had no idea a place like this even existed. I could hear her walking up behind me again. "You comin?" she said "you need help walkin back?" I breathed deep...and turned to her. She held her hand out to me...and I took it.
Walking back, we didnt speak a word. As we approached her house, i could get a really good look at it. It is a house. Just a house that time has forgotten and the wilderness around it has enveloped. And the porch I was sitting on, was but a figment of what a porch used to be. The entrance of the "house" looks more like the entrance to a cave. We walked up to the door, and walked inside. This time, i could see around the room. I was standing in a large room. The kitchen from what I could tell. There was a fireplace and a chair next to it. There was a small bed against the wall. That is where I had been when I woke up. Old photographs sat on a small table. A lanterne, which is all that was lighting the place. She sat me in the chair and then brought me some water. She had made some soup, and she set a bowl of it on the table for me. It smelled really good. "How did you?" i asked her "where did you get the stuff to make this, it smells amazing" She had her back to me, " I grow what I eat" she said. I hadnt considered that. That amazed me. It explains why she is so healthy. She is completly organic. "The water is really good." I said to her, handing the cup back to her. "There is a spring, just over the hill" I immediatly felt at ease. I felt like I could relax. In my comfort I said "why do you live up here alone?" sipping the last of my soup and looking over the brim ... afraid of offending her. She turned and faced me... "This is my home...its the home I made and the only home I ever had..." and with that she walked back outside. I was in pain but I wasnt ready to end this conversation, I wanted to follow her, but instead sat there. Waiting for her to come back inside. I looked closer at the photographs on the table. They were of her, with two men. An older one and a younger one. A boy. There was a picture of the two of them fishing. and one with both of them with their arms around Bea. She was much younger in the pictures. The pictures were yellowing, and a few of the frames had cracked glass. I didnt really see many other things in the room. It was very basic. Everything looked really old. But tidy. As i was finishing my soup, she came back inside. I just sat quietly and watched her. She made her way around the room cleaning up after me. She washed the dish I had my soup in, and put away some other dishes she had in the sink. I decided to ask more questions.
"Bea, do you live here alone?" I asked. "I do" she said. "How long have you lived here?" she never turned to look at me, but said "a long time"
I could tell she didnt want to talk about it, and honestly I was still freaked out, so i didnt ask anything more questions. I needed to sit and figure out what to do. I mean, really? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? Just then... as i started to sit down I heard a loud noise outside. It was a loud - un familar sound. It startled me, and I looked at Bea right away. She was NOT startled. She wasnt fazed at all. She simply walked outside. I stood there, in front of where I was going to sit. I was afraid to move, really. I didnt know what was happening. I didnt hear anything for a few moments, so i went to look outside to see what was going on. I didnt see her, so i made my way back to the bed and pulled a blanket over me to hide...like i used to when I was 6.
After what seemed to be an eternity, Bea came back inside. She didnt mention a thing about what happend outside. She just came back in and resumed her cleaning up. I kept trying to peek out the door to see what it was. Finally she looked over at me, and noticed that I was startled, and hiding under my blanket. She spoke "That was just Sassy out there, dont be afraid" she said."sassy? who is sassy"? I asked. She smiled, sort of a laugh really... "Sassy aint a someone, she is my pet...She just makes a lot of noise, to get my attention..wants me to know that she is here is all." she said. I assumed she was talking about a dog. I love dogs. I wanted to see this Sassy. "she sure makes a lot of noise" I said to her. I got up to walk outside, she walked out just ahead of me. She sat in the chair, and as I made my way to the door, I looked closer at the house i was in. Looking around I wanted to see inside the door that looked as if it led to another room. I walked closer to peek inside. It was a room, a bedroom. There were windows, but it was black. Curtains hung but no light came thru. It was very dark. The floors of the house were wood. Old and worn, but clean. The room looked as if it was a picture of what time looked like a hundred years ago. I looked around, and then faced back toward the door leading outside, and I made my way to it. I wanted to meet Bea's pet, and see what all the commotion was about. Coming through the door I saw here sitting in the chair, but she stood as i came thru the door. I gasped and grabbed the door frame. What I expected to be a dog, turned out to be a deer. A giant, wild deer. Bea looked at me "This is Sassy" she said. "just slowly go over there and sit in the chair. I dont want you to spook her" Me? spook her? i thought... I was NOT expecting a deer. . . and a HUGE one at that. I moved slowly to the chair and sat down. I didnt say a word. "She is more afraid of you, believe it or not" Bea said to me ' just sit there a bit, let her get used to seeing you settin there. She aint never seen anyone but me settin up here, she aint used to ya yet" Then she sat down on the porch next to Sassy. I watched them together. The deer was not afraid, and would come up and nudge against Bea's shoulder from time to time. Otherwise she just walked around in front of her, occasionally looking blankly at me. It was so peaceful. Bea gleaned with pride as she watched Sassy. She would look over at me, to check my ease as well. I was not afraid.
"Bea..." I asked "is this place real..." my voice trailed off "or have I died, and this is heaven?" Bea chuckled to herself, and when she did Sassy came over to her, and put her head down for her to pet. She said "Child, this is not heaven. You are as alive as i am." she stood up, and walked over to me "Do you see any of your loved ones around?" She asked "No." I said to her quickly "Then it cant ve heaven, can it?" she said turning back toward Sassy.
"I dont have any loved ones Bea"
she looked back at me...
"everyone has loved ones child, you have someone missing you right now. everyone comes from somewhere"
A tear started to fall "My parents died a while ago, and I have no other family to speak of... so, no. I come from nowhere" I was crying now, as I heard myself say the words " I havent had anyone is such a long time..."
We were silent for a while. My tears stopped and I just sat there. Sassy wondered off into the trees and the daylight started to fade. Bea, who seemed to be standing in the same place for what felt like hours, went inside the door...and then poked her head out and said "everyone has someone. I had someone. if you never had anyone, well...now you got me. I found you...i rekkon there is a reason for that. So you got someone. Your someone can me be for now. I want to make sure you get well, so get in here, and get you some sleep now." and with that, she went into the house and into her little room in the back of the 'house'. I was stunned. Sat in that branch woven chair just absalutley stunned. She did find me. She found ME. I want to get better.
I went inside.
The next morning, I awoke to Bea fussin in the doorway with Sassy. i sat up on the bed. It was easier today, then yesterday. She turned to me. "So...someone. Do you have a name? what are you called?" I laughed. I had forgotten, thru all of the drama of waking up yesterday and the discovery of my new mountain dwelling, that I hadnt told her my name. The last time I told someone my name...I was on that train...becoming someone else. . . "I'm called Katherine." I said. This wasnt a time for Kat. Maybe thats how I ended up here in the first place. I became somoene else, and nobody knew that I had even gotten on that stupid train, and now look at me. Bea smiled "I knew a Katherine once. A long time ago" she turned toward the door again. "I didnt like her, she was an asshole" and out the door she went. I laughed out loud, 'Hey!" I sad...and followed her out. it was a glorious morning. I hadnt really noticed just how beautiful it all really was. I think the shock of what was happening, fogged my surroundings. "So you rekkon you can walk pretty good?" she asked me. I was still sore, but felt that I could. "Yes, what do you have in mind?" I couldnt imagine what she wanted me to do. "I rekkon you should clean up before we eat. So I will take you to get cleaned up" She had some towels in her hand. They were old but clean. "Get your walking stick, and follow me" which I did. We walked thru a trail, thru some of the thickest woods I have ever been in. Just off in the distance I could see that Sassy was also following us. We walked in silence. We cane to a clearing, and she stopped, I was walking slowly behind her, and when i reached her and walked around i could see that she had taken me to a pond. "a POND?" i said to her. "Not a pond silly girl. Its hot spring. There over there is a bucket. There some washin for you. Wash your hair and what not. You get over there, and i am goin over there." she walked away from me. I looked at first, around the entire place. It was a gorgeous spot. I could see the hot spring it almost looked like a hot tub in a swimming pool. I walked over. It was so quiet there. You could hear all sorts of birds and other noises I wasnt sure of, and wasnt sure I wanted to know. "God, this place is beautiful" i yelled to her. She was across from me, looked like she was washing clothes. I laughed. "Bea, are you washing clothes over there?" I yelled "You do what you do in your spring, I will do what I need to do in mine, hush now" So, I did. I looked in the pail she pointed out. There looked to be a hunk of soap in there, with a brush on a long handle, that looked like it was 100 years old as well. I wont be using THAT I mumbled to myself. I looked around, as if to see if there were anyone watching. I knew there wasnt. We were God knows where, who would be up here? I snickered to myself as I took off my clothes and crawled into the spring. It was hot, and felt amazing. seriously, it was felt like there were little effervescent bubbles coming up from the bottom. It felt so good. I reached into the bucket for the soap bar and washed my hair and threw it back. I was just laying there, the hot water steaming up around me. Suddenly Bea appeared by my side and startled me. "Holy hell, You scairt me Bea!" She scooped up my clothes and took them away - "HEY" I yelled to her. What are you doing with my clothes?! I am goin to need them!" I watched as she took them across the spring to her washing hole and started washing them. "You coulda just said so" I yelled to her...she said nothing back. And then I yelled "Um, what am i going to wear back?" Then I heard her laughing. It WAS nice here. I could just stay here forever and never go home. Home? what home. "Lets get going back someone, time we get some breakfast" She held out a towl and turned away. I climed out, still looking around to see if there were anyone around. "Bea?" I started "Did you come up here alone, to get away from something?" She shuffled away, leaning in to pick up a large mens shirt that I hadnt noticed she as carrying "Here, put this on" and she handed it to me. She didnt answer my quesiton. I put the shirt on. It was a large mans button down shirt. "Who's shirt is this?" I asked.
"We need to go over thar, to the field...before we head back - be sure to put your shoes on" she said
"Do you not want to talk about it?" I asked as I shoved my wet feet back into my shoes
"We all have stories, Someone" is all she replied.
After dressing, somewhat, we started back through the woods. Instead of walking back to the house, she walked to another clearing. Coming out of the trees, I saw where she had some food growing. Vines of berries and crates on the ground covered with a cloth top - i looked in, they were potatos. Corn grew here, and there ... it was really awesome. This is where she gets her food, AMAZING.
"Wow..you did this all yourself?" I asked in amazment
"Well, Sassy helps alot...but yes..." she answered as she began picking blackberries
"I love it here, Bea" I shouted
"Now, now Someone, dont get excited. They just vegitables and fruit..people gotta eat"
"I go to the grocery store." I smirked
"go on over there and pick us some corn, and toss one to Sassy" she pointed "but peel it first, she cant do that part"'
I did exactly that. Sassy couldnt have been happier. I stood with Sassy and watched Bea make her way around and gather our breakfast. She held her hand up in the air and said "lets go..." And off she went back into the woods.
We walked back to her house, and she made us some breakfast. Potatos and berries. I thought, how odd, but it wasnt. It was simple, filling and delicious.
I went outside and sat on the porch as she cleaned up. She joined me when she was thru. She seemed more chatty and started asking me questions.
"So, someone - how did you come to be on that train alone?" she asked
"Oh, I just wanted to go away. I wanted to just get away." I answered
"Away? Running away? Who you running away from Someone? You said you didnt have anyone in your life that missed you. Who were you running away from?"
I thought about that question for a moment. And then I said...
"I was invisible Bea. Invisible in a sea of people. Other people's someones...I had this idea that if I got on that train, I could reinvent myself into really becoming someone. somebody 'Someone' " I stood up and walked around her."I met someone you know..." I turned to her and smiled..."I met a man, on the train...and for one glorious night, he was my someone and I was his." I chuckled..."we talked for hours. It was so easy" she smiled back at me...and I turned away. "what made it easy?" she asked. "I was pretending to be someone other than myself. I made up a persona...Kat, I called her." "So" she said "You were the stories you told him about yourself true, or a story?" I paused...and then I answered "They were stories...but were true. The parts that were true - were me - but the parts that werent, was who I WANTED me to be. But non of them were lies" "was he with you when that train crashed?" she said.
God, I hadn't thought about that. We weren't together. Was he injured? Did they find him? Is he ok?
"No, we were supposed to meet - but we had stayed up so long, that I slept straight through the day and missed our date. I dont know where he was when the train crashed" my entire body was suddenly filled with sorrow, and fear. I turned to her "Bea... did you see any of the rescue? Do you know if everyone from the train were safe?" I suddenly had to know - I was searching her face for an answer, or some sort of expression. She just simply said "I didn't see anything. Alls I saw was you."
I sat down... God I am so sad now. What if Logan was seriously hurt? or WORSE? I will never know. "We had one perfect night..." I said.
We didn't talk anymore about it that afternoon. For the next few days...i followed Bea around the wilderness as she did her chores "Bea" I yelled to her one day, " Can I stay here forever!?" I was smiling, and for a moment, believed that I wanted to stay - I was watching for her to turn to me and yell, Yes of course you can stay - but instead she said "Girl, you can't stay here. This aint your place. We gotta get you well enough to go down the mountain, and then you gotta go back to your home...and find your someone" and then she walked away - she shouted from under the trees "Come on before you get yourself lost"
Back at her house, we moved around her little room in the house cleaning up and preparing food for dinner. We didnt speak. I felt like I had crossed some sort of line, but wasnt sure what that was. I wanted to ask her, but found myself suddenly lost for words. We sat at the small table, and ate our days catch. Squirel and vegetables. Yes, SQUIRREL, and a fruit dish she made, that is just heaven. finally - I couldn't take the palpable silence and I said "I am so in awe of you Bea, your lifestyle. It is so simple and people back at home would be so jealous" She looked at me with, almost stunned. After a moment she responded with "jealous of me? jealousy is a dangerous thing. She almost seemed angry about it. I didnt elaborate, and just let it go.
as the days turned to weeks, Bea and I fell into a routine. We would rise, gather, cook, eat and repeat. We talked very little about anything with substance, and as those days passed, i grew stronger, and healthier.
At night our ritual became so comfortable with me. We ate our dinner, we sat outside with Sassy, and when it became so black out where all you could see was the dark of the sky and light of the stars, so black that that tops of the trees looked like shadows, we would go inside and sleep.
One night, after Bea went into her room and i layed resting we heard a horrible and unsettling noise coming from outside. Bea charged from her room, and headed outside. I jumped up, but was frozen with fear and couldnt leave my bed. She tore out the front door and into the darkness. The sounds were gutteral ... and close. I managed to make my way to the doorway - I couldnt see a thing. I could hear Bea yelling, but I couldnt make out what she was saying. I was trembling. Then it was silent.
I gathered every ounce of courage I could muster and ran off the porch toward where I thought Bea had gone. I ran throught the trees, it was dark, and silent now...so I wasnt sure where I was exactly. I stopped for a moment and tried listening for any sound at all to lead me in the right direction. I stood, breathing so loud thats all I could hear. I had to calm myself and center my fear so that I could find her. My breathing slowed down, I could hear everything, it was coming in clear...i could hear the bugs making noise in the trees, I could hear even the rustle of the leaves in the trees above me blowing ever so lightly. Suddenly I heard someone else, breathing. It was Bea. I followed the sounds, until it brought me to a clearing in the trees. I came to the clearing and stopped. There, in the darkness, I could see her silohette sitting on the ground. I remained quiet as I walked up behind her. She was on the ground, and lying in front of her, was Sassy. She was bleeding, and quiet. Bea was weeping. I sat on the ground beside her. She was quietly rubbing Sassy on the head. I joined her in that. I looked at Bea, tears streaming down her face. And then she spoke.
'She never had a chance, once he got a hold of her. She was trying to make her way home to me. Where she felt safe. I couldnt get to her in time.' tears poured down her face. I just sat quietly and listened. 'She fought hard.' I looked at Sassy, and she was just looking back at Bea, with fear in her eyes. She wasnt moving, but she was alive. I turned to Bea 'can we take her back to the house, and fix her up?' I asked desperatley. Bea never took her eyes off of Sassy. 'I found sassy after her mama was killed. Most likely by the same Bear, of a bear from the same den. Her mama protected her with her life. I promised her I would keep Sassy safe...done pretty good till now. I just couldnt get here fast enough. Bear must a snuck up on her ... she hollared for me, but I just didnt get here fast enough' Sassys breathing became more labored. 'Will she die? We cant help her?' Bea finally looked away from Sassy and looked at me. Desperation in her face, 'I cant help her' I was stunned, and angry at the same time 'YOUR NOT EVEN GOING TO TRY?' I said screamed 'she is a wild creature girl. I am not sure what to do to help her. . . other than sit here and help her go in peace' I stood up and started running back to the house. I could see the light from the house, I had left the door open. I ran in and grabbed the blankets from my bed, and then ran back to her. 'You found me and you drug me home, and fixed me. We can fix her. We can fix her' i yelled. Bea stood up, with almost no energy and a face full of tears she said to me... "Someone, Sassy fought a hard battle, the least we can do is try and make her comfortable. Lets try and get her home" I was stunned. I thought for sure she would rally and see that we could bring her back to health, instead she just conceded to her death. I thought in the back of my head, that I would be the one...we will take her back and instead of help her die, I would help her live. Like Bea did for me. So I layed the blanket on the ground. We moved her as gently as we could and we drug her, slowly and gently back to the house.
Bea went inside and got a bowl and some water - I Layed down next to Sassy on the ground and rubbed her neck. I was laying eye to eye with her. Her big brown doey eyes, looking at me - calm - but frightened. 'Sassy girl...its ok" I whispered "if you want to go, you can - but if you want to stay with us...you can do that too. I will stay here with you - and i will help you get strong, for Bea...for you Sassy girl...do you want to be better?" Sassy just layed there...we layed there together, me rubbing her, loving her...while Bea ran water over her wounds and gently covered her up. We layed there, until we both fell asleep. Laying there on the ground we slept with Sassy.
When morning finally broke, I sat up quickly. At first I was shocked to be waking up outside on the ground. I had fallen asleep so hard, I had forgotten when I awoke, what had happend the night before. For a second ... I had forgotten we were laying there, waiting for Sassy get better. And then I remembered. I looked over and Bea was asleep on the ground, across from me. But Sassy was gone.
"BEA" I yelled "Bea, wake up" my yelling startled her, and she sat up slowly. "Girl, why are you yelling?" she said, and then she looked down at where Sassy had been laying. 'Where is she?" she asked, I shrugged my shoulders. We both stood up, and walked around where we had been. We saw her tracks. it looked as is if she walked away - into the woods. "I will grab some water and we can go find her" i said as i headed into the house. "NO" Bea said sternly. "What do you mean no? we have to go find her...she needs us" Bea walked over closer to the tree line. She turned to me "Sassy is a wild animal Someone, most likely, she went back into the wood to die. That is nature. We wont ever see Sassy again." and she walked passed me and back into the house. I follwed in behind her, and put some water into a jug. "Well, I am going to find her. You can stay here if you like, but she needs us, we cant leave her alone like that." She went into her room, and didnt say anything more to me. I didnt know what to do. Was she right? did she go to die alone in the woods? Should I go after her? I walked outside and stood looking into the woods for what seemed like forever, hoping, waiting for Sassy to come back. She didnt.
I felt numb all day. We both went thru the day on auto pilot ... gathering our food, preparing and eating. We had little conversation, and neither of us brought up Sassy. sitting outside that evening, suddenly Bea turned to me and said, "Someone, we need to get you back home. Your well now...and strong enough. We need to get you off this mountain and back home" I was stunned. I never gave much thought to going back. "I dont need to Bea." I said staring at her. "I can stay here...with you" she never even looked my way - "You need to get back. You cant stay here." she sounded very matter a factly. "I dont have anything to go back TO...im staying here." "Your not staying here Someone. We will get you down the mountain the next day or so. You have a life to get back too. You dont stay here with me. This aint no way for you to live" I was angry. I didnt want to go back to my so called life. I was nobody there. I have here now. I have this life now. "I dont have anything to go back too. I am staying here. You and I make a good team...dont we?" I asked, desperatly seeking an answer that i wanted. I didnt get it. "I am not going back, Bea" I said