Harry Potter and the Devilishly Handsome American Doctor

Chapter 1: Not Your Typical Differential

A/N: I simply had to combine my two favorite things. :) I dedicate this story to my favorite Slytherin, ItsTheGrimmmm. It'll probably be awhile between updates, as this is just a little side project of mine. Anyway, read, and enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own House MD or Harry Potter.

"What have you brought me, my loyal minions?" House asked as he threw his feet up on the glass table in the differential room, his red coffee cup in hand.

"Minions," Thirteen repeated. "Well, that's marginally less demeaning than 'lackeys'."

"If you wanted respect or self esteem, you picked the wrong job. Well, not the wrong job, just the wrong boss," House responded. "I repeat, what have you brought me?"

"Thirty seven year old male, blood in the urine and-" Foreman began, but was interrupted by a loud bang and a scream (which he guessed was high pitched enough to be either Kutner's or Thirteen's). House blinked, confused, as a ridiculously old man with a waist length beard appeared in front of him, and a girl who looked to be about fourteen or fifteen with bushy brown hair.

"What the hell!" Taub shouted, jumping up.

"Miss Granger?" The old man asked, seeming perfectly calm. The girl nodded quickly.

"Right, sorry Professor," Removing a thin piece of wood from her pocket, she pointed at the door. "Silencio."

The other three fellows had jumped up by now, and were flattened against the wall. House was still sitting at his spot, sipping his coffee. Removing the cup from his face, he experimentally sniffed the brew.

"Did Wilson dose me?" he mused.

"Dr. House," the old man said in a strong voice that seemed accustomed to command. "My name is Albus Dumbledore, and this lovely young lady is Hermione Granger. We've come a very long way to see you, and I wonder if you would have a word with us?"

"Well, I'm tempted to refuse, but since you've just teleported into my office and managed to scare my staff half to death-" He motioned absent-mindedly to the shivering fellows. "-I suppose I can oblige." Standing up, House motioned to his office.

"House-" Foreman began, but then stopped. He seemed to not know what to say. Daring a glance at Dumbledore, he spoke. "Be careful." House nodded.

"I'm touched by your concern," he replied sarcastically as he led Dumbledore and the Hermione into his office, holding the door open and then closing it shut behind them. He turned to them, meeting Dumbledore's pale blue eyes that reminded him eerily of his own.

"Excuse me for one moment," House told them, heading towards his desk and ripping his phone off of his receiver. He speed dialed Wilson's number, and within moments his friend's voice came over the line.

"What is it, House?"

"What did you slip into my drink this morning?" House said in a low voice, hoping his guests wouldn't hear him.

"Nothing this time. Why?" he asked. House narrowed his eyes, wishing he could be in front of Wilson. That made it much easier to tell if he was lying. House sighed.

"Seriously, I'm tripping balls right now and I'm not throwing down anything besides the usual," House told him, trying to convey that this was not a joke. He was running through any possible hallucinogens Wilson could have slipped in that House couldn't have seen or smelled.

"What do you mean, you're tripping balls? And I already told you I didn't put anything in your drink." He could hear worry creeping into Wilson's voice. House bit his lip.

"Well then. Bye."

He promptly hung up the phone, cutting off Wilson's cry. "House, what-" And click. House grimaced and turned back to his guests.

"Sorry. Consult," he lied.

"A consult on whether or not you are, as you so deftly put it, 'tripping balls'?" Dumbledore replied, raising a knowing eyebrow. Hermione went red in the face and looked as though she was trying hard not to laugh.

"Uh... yeah," House said, unsure how to respond. "So, you wanted to speak with me?" he asked as he plopped down in his chair.

"Yes," Dumbledore nodded. "You have quite a reputation, Dr. House. You are undeniably one of the most noteworthy Muggle doctors in the world."

"Am I blush-" House broke off abruptly. "What did you just say?" Dumbledore smiled.

"Forgive me, there is much I must explain. To explain what a Muggle is, I must first explain what we are." He motioned to himself and Hermione. "You see Dr. House, there exists a secret society of people who can perform magic. Fabled witches and wizards are indeed quite real. A Muggle, as I just called you, is a person who cannot perform magic." Dumbledore looked as though he was going to continue, but then stopped himself, letting the information sink in. House nodded.

"I discovered the missing link and had an affair with Jackie Onassis," he stated, quite serious. Dumbledore smiled slightly.

"I assure you, Dr. House, I am not jesting. Wizards, witches, magic, although typically considered stuff of fairy tales, is not. Perhaps..." He pulled out a long wooden stick similar to the one the girl had in her hand. "Perhaps a demonstration is in order?"

Flicking his stick, he caused House's filing cabinet to burst into flames. House jumped out of his chair and fell to the floor, gripping his cane and wincing as a jet of pain shot through his leg.

"Is there something in there that you shouldn't have at the work place, Dr. House?" he asked, although House was sure the old man already knew the answer.

"Congratulations. You've caught my porn stash on fire." The girl let out a disgusted snort. Dumbledore merely smiled as the fire quickly vanished, leaving no signs of ever existing behind.

"I would ask if you were convinced, but from what I know of you I very much doubt that you are."

"I'm convinced that I'm having a very convincing hallucination," House muttered, pulling himself off the ground. House pinched himself on the arm, his eyes blinking with irritation.

"Professor, may I...?" the girl, Hermione, trailed off. Dumbledore beamed at her.

"Absolutely, Miss Granger." Hermione's lip twitched, and with a flourish of her wand, she pointed her stick (wand, House guessed) at House and shouted,

"Windgardium Leviosa!"

Suddenly, House felt as though a hook had picked him up by the seat of his pants. Looking down, he realized he was floating off of the ground.

"HOLY SHIT!" House screamed. Quickly, Taub and Kutner burst through the door, Taub holding one of House's extra canes and Kutner holding the coffee maker. Hermione quickly dropped her wand to her side, and House tumbled to the floor, groaning in pain.

"Sorry!" Hermione squeaked. Looking up, House saw Dumbledore flick his wand at Taub and Kutner. The cane turned into a jump rope, and the coffee maker turned into a red bouncy ball. Screaming, the two men bolted back into the differential room. Peering around the corner, he saw Thirteen pounding buttons on her cell phone, which didn't appear to be working, and Foreman, who was trying to budge the door unsuccessfully.

House now looked back to Dumbledore, who was holding a hand out to him.

"I apologize. Perhaps we got a bit carried away." House reluctantly took Dumbledore's hand and pulled himself up. "But I hope now you will be willing to believe that we may not be insane? Or that you yourself are not insane?"

"I'm lucid. And you've certainly proven that you can do something." He glanced at the red ball and rope on the ground. "I don't know if it's magic or not, but you can do something." Taking a deep breath, he leaned against his desk. "So, why do you need me? Glenda swallow a bad batch of potion?"

"I'm afraid I don't know who Glenda is, but we are here because we need your help. One of the students I teach at my school, Hogwarts, is sick," Dumbledore stated.

"Can't you just wave a wand and make him all better?" House asked.

"I've had the best Healers we have available look at him, and they have made very little progress. We believe what's ailing Harry is not a magical illness, but a Muggle illness, which is your area of expertise," he informed him, folding his hands together in front of him.

"Please," Hermione broke in. "Dr. House, the darkest wizard of all time just recently returned, and in order to get the rest of the magical community to believe this Harry has to be awake, he's the one who saw him return. Please," She repeated, tears welling in her eyes. "I know this sounds completely insane, but it's the truth. You can bring the other doctors with you, we'll provide room and board, food, anything you need. And we'll handle getting any medicine or equipment you need. We'll pay you for all the work you missed. Please, please just help Harry," she said, all in one short breath, then took a deep breath when she was finished. Dumbledore punctuated this with a tilt of his head.

"So, Dr. House, will you see him? He's currently staying at St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. They've agreed to vacate a space for you and your associates, if you agree," he informed him. House considered them for a moment. House had already determined that somehow, some way, these cracks were telling the truth. Why not? He asked himself. Could be interesting.

"So, I get paid for this?" House reaffirmed. Dumbledore nodded. House pursed his lips.

"Alright, I'll do it." Dumbledore smiled, and so too did Hermione.

"Excellent. Now, there's a small window of time here, so we'll need to get you to London as soon as possible. In the interest of time, we will use side-along Apparation-" Hermione grimaced as Dumbledore said this. "-which is how we arrived here. I would prefer if you would bring no more than five others with you. I will arrive at midnight tonight with several other wizards that will escort you and your luggage to Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, where you will be staying. Please notify whomever you're bringing with you to pack for a long stay, just in case." With a wink, he turned to Hermione. "It seems we accomplished what we came here to do, Miss Granger. Shall we return?" he asked. Hermione nodded before looking at House.

"Thank you," she said quietly. Turning back to House, Dumbledore waved his hand as he wrapped his arm around Hermione.

"I will see you in a bit, Dr. House. Thank you very much for your time." With another bang, Dumbledore disappeared, leaving House standing alone in his office.

His stomach dropped as he realized he would now have to convince his team (and Wilson, of course) to accompany him to London to stay with complete strangers and treat a wizard in a magical hospital.

"Oh, joy," House muttered to himself as he headed back to the differential room.