AN: Hey, this is the first story I entered, not sure whether it's any good or not...please don't be to mean when reveiwing..which i hope you do. this first chapter is mostly about what she thinks about and stuff. it'll get into the good stuff later on. please be nice! Disclaimer: well, though i dont have anything that is inuyasha yet, ill say it just in case. i dont own inuyasha. Wahh! . . . '…nothing is what it used to be…sure; in some ways it is a lot better. But maybe it would have been better if I had just pushed up my chin and stuck through it. Here, I have friends, but sometimes they scare me so much more than I was those long times ago…I have finally found a place where everyone believes I belong, but, I don't believe it for a moment. How could someone that you call friends hurt you this horribly. They given me so much pain…I have been through so much. Don't I deserve a chance where I am not wishing I was gone and dead. That I'd killed myself and taken my horrible existence out of the torturing world. My heart has already been shattered and now they insist of stomping on them, then I am struck down again when they feet bleed from the sharp pieces. They will never stop this pain, this torment. I wish I had the courage to hold a gun to my head, and to follow through with my dreams. And those who had hurt me, would never have the chance to do so again. Those who had thought they had never done a thing wrong, would see how ignorant they had been. They would not understand no matter what, but at least they would get the point. The smile, the laughter that is my old self. It used to be me. Now it is just a mask. On the top on my skin is brilliant white coat, but underneath, is my blood. My heart having burst and my insides dead. My body walking around as if in mourning, in memory of me. Taking my place while I await, trapped in deaths cages, watching from the outside hoping for someone-anyone that would sew my heart back together. Granted, It wont ever be the same, the scars wont ever heal, but having someone to lean on, I may be able to pull myself from the reapers clutches. However, I will never again know of the light of day, as I should have. The eyes are not the windows to the soul, if so, mine would be black, an unseeing, tortured black. My pain causes more, I have learnt to tune out and in voices, and I can see thoughts as if they were writing them clearly in front of themselves. The whispers, the gossip, the giggles. I just want to die! WHY CANT I DIE!' A small girl clutched her head in her small hands as tears fell down her silky pale face, down and along the side of her delicate jaw line to drop onto the soft blanket that was encircling her body. Her soft ruby lips opened slightly to emit the quietest of murmurs "haven't I cried enough? Have I not been though enough?" he long arms fell to the ground she was kneeling on as she tilted her head back. She stared at the sky for a moment as her long Carmel hair fell silkily across her back, the gentle caress bringing comfort. She squished her eyes closed and her hand gathered into tight fists as she screamed into the night sky "WHY WON'T YOU LET ME DIE!?" AN: how'd you like it? please r&r! i realy want to know what you think...sorry if it's a little..okay...realy..depressing. but..um...im feeling kinda depressed, so, uh, yeeah. i wrote this in about 15-30 minutes, so i dont think the spell check is working very well either, lol. no need to mention my issues with speeling, and grammer, i have problems with that stuff. R & R!!!! PLEASE! once again..first story here...dont be to harsh. let me know if i should continue or reput it on, make a few tiny changes and make it a one shot...though i'd rather have a story here...suggestions are very very welcome!