A/N: This is what happens when you try once again to work out if you love or hate John Winchester. No beta as always so all mistakes are my own. (Especially as this is written on my phone) Sorry if my John voice isn't the best. Reviews? Pretty please? Good or bad, I just want to know what you think.
Disclaimer: If supernatural was mine, Cas would be in every episode
John Winchester remembers every second of The Night. He remembers the feeling of his heart tearing in two as Mary's eyes stare sightlessly into him. He remembers the heat and and the smoke. The weight of baby Sammy in his arms as John snatches him from the crib.
The utter hopelessness and despair as he leaves Mary - Oh God, Mary- and tears out of the house. The devastation of not being able to spot his boys. His heart stopping and the world seeming to freeze. The fleeting relief of having his boys safe once more in his arms.
Most of all, he remembers swearing to himself to protect his boys. He can't loose them too. He can't.
Sleep evades John as Mary's last accusing gaze plays on a loop in his head. The only thing that dims it is a bottle of Jack.
To protect his boys, he needs to know what he's protecting them from. Who's to say it won't come back? They aren't safe until it's dead. Whatever it is. John isn't stupid. He knows that insisting his wife was sliced open on the ceiling would get him a one way trip to the loony bin. Instead, he looks for information from other sources. He is beginning to give up- doubt himself and what he saw- when he meets Missouri.
Monsters are real.
Mary was killed by a monster.
Missouri puts John in touch with people. People she calls Hunters.
She sends him to a kind old gentlemen who introduces himself as Pastor Jim. Pastor Jim teachers John the basics of hunting: the main monsters, what warding to use, how to identify different creatures. John digests everything rapidly. He won't be caught unawares again. He will protect his boys. In turn, Jim introduces John to a surly mechanic called Bobby Singer, Daniel Elkins and a friendly bar owner by the name of Bill Harvelle. Elkins acts as a mentor of sorts; he instructs John in depth about hunting. John learnt more from him than anyone ever before. Further down the road, John meets other hunters such as Martin, who's saved his ass more time than John can count, Joshua who's wary of getting close to John and a younger man- Caleb.
In the beginning, two things drove John. Vengeance and fear. First and foremost, John couldn't just let whatever did that to Mary escape without retribution. Mary deserved to be avenged. To ignore what had happened was like saying it didn't matter she was dead. John was also terrified. Petrified the creature might return and take his boys from him. Fearful of someone else's Mary being taken from them. Intimidated by the idea of pretending he had seen nothing and continuing with his life.
Later, he hunted because it was all he knew how to do John also loathed the idea of someone else's life being ruined like his had. Besides, it felt good when he prevented unspeakable atrocities. It made him feel like a hero. Helped him forget the disappointment and accusations often present in his sons' (particularly Sam's) eyes.
John figured that to take down something that could pin someone to the ceiling, he needed training and practise.
Consequently, he began hunting everything he could find. In his mind, everything he killed was one thing less that could get his sons. And if he happened to save a sorry son-of-a-bitch, well, even better. However, hunting meant his sons were left unprotected. He could take them with him, but taking his sons to the monster hardly seemed safer. Anyway, a baby and a five-year-old together in a car was a recipe for disaster. The only solution was to teach Dean how to protect himself and Sammy. So one afternoon, John set up a line of cans in an empty field and placed a rifle in Dean's hands. He ignored the pangs of guilt and self-loathing as Dean hits every can first time and forces his lips into a smile. He shows Dean how to line the room in salt and make Sam's bottle and change his nappy. He imprints the importance of not opening the door if the password isn't given and above all... watch out for Sammy.
The first time he leaves the boys alone, John more than doubles every speed limit in his desperation to get back. Anything could have happened. He should never have left them alone. He practically throws the door off it's hinges when he reaches the motel. Only the sight of Dean curled around Sammy slows the frantic beating of his heart.
Each time he leaves, the worry lessens slightly until it disappears altogether. Sam and Dean will be fine. They always are.
John moves from hunter to hunter constantly. He's hungry for any knowledge and tricks he could utilise. Then, his saving run out. His card is declined at a McDonalds. Luckily, he has enough cash in his pocket to cover it but a trip to an ATM reveals his bank account has run dry. He stares at the screen disbelievingly. John has maybe 2 bucks in his wallet, a car almost out of gas and nowhere to sleep. With reluctance at the loss of pride, John uses his last two dollars at a payphone and talks to Bobby Singer who laughs at him then instructs him in the art of credit card scams. John ignored the part of himself that whisper about the immoral of it. After that, they move to stop authorities catching up with them. Eventually, John figures that instead of moving to, well, wherever, they might as well move to where there's another hunt. Soon they're moving from job to job with scarcely any pause. John doesn't end up going to many school plays or teacher conferences. He misses Sam's first steps and the first word that tumbled from his lips followed quickly by Dean's first tooth. Birthdays and Christmas passes without him noticing. To crush the self loathing that rises in him at each missed occasion, he reasons that as soon as he finds the SOB that killed Mary, he'll have all the time in the world to make up for it.
Now Mary last moments are joined by visions of hunts that went wrong and close calls. John doesn't want to remember so he drinks to forget.
After the Shrigta, John makes protecting Sammy Dean's priority.. At each reminder that this is now Dean's purpose for living, Mary's voice screams that Dean should have his own life. John begs for her forgiveness but can't see any other way to ensure their safety. It takes until the damage is irreversible for John to realise he's only ensured Sam's safety and has, in fact, placed Dean in more danger than ever before. Because John has single handedly destroyed Dean's sense of self preservation.
On Dean's tenth birthday, John takes him on his first hunt. He figures that Dean should have experience facing anything that might come after Sam. In his excitement, Dean shoots too early and the poltergeist is alerted to their position.
Dean is tossed though a wall which crumbles in on him. For an excruciating moment, John thinks the worst. On the way back, he shouts at Dean until his voices is horse. John forces himself to ignore the sounds of Dean crying himself to sleep. He tells himself it's for the best. Dean needs to learn they can't make mistakes. Mistakes get them killed. And John can't loose his boys.
He teaches his sons the different ways to kill every SOB that John knows walks the earth. He shows them how to clean and use every type of weapon under the sun. Weekends are spent learning new fighting techniques and if Dean is becoming less a boy and more a soldier and Sam's eyes glow with resentment then John comforts himself with the knowledge that it's a better price than death.
The Winchesters are soldiers in a never ending war. In war, there is no time for hesitation. A split second could mean the difference between life and death. When an order comes, it must be obeyed without question. There's no time to deliberate when a werewolf is leaping towards you, claws outstretched, like the one they hunted when Sam was 13. Punishment for disobeying orders was severe. His boys had to learn to get the job done efficiently. He needed them to understand following orders was a necessity.
John doesn't know when it happened. He doesn't know when he lost sight of his original purpose: to slaughtered Mary's killer so his boys would be safe. All he knows is, suddenly, it's 18 years later and Sam wants to leave. To go away to college. Alone. Without anyone to protect him. And John's terrified that whatever killed Mary will go after Sam while he's on his own and vulnerable. He can't loose Sam. He's opening his mouth to tell Sam this but Sam's screaming at him and then he's yelling back without really knowing what he's saying then Sam's turning around and beginning to walk out the door and Sam can't leave. They're strongest as a family. John's searching desperately for anything that'll make Sam step away from the door but his mind has gone blank and his tongue feels like lead. Sam's finger tips are grasping the handle and, in a last ditch effort to stop him- to force him to stay, John hears himself say…
"If you walk out that door, don't you ever come back!"
John wants to take the words back immediately. To snatch them from the air and hurl them far away. It's too late. And he hates himself even more because he knows Sam will stay. He'll stay for Dean. He won't go to college. He'll forever live of credit card scams and…
Sam wretches the door open and looks defiantly at John despite the tears flashing in his eyes. Johns mouth moves wordlessly and then Sam's gone.
He's gone and now he can't even ask his family for help.
He's gone and know he's cut of completely.
And John hates himself.
But that's nothing new. John's hated himself for years.
What's new is the vast hole in the motel.
The emptiness in Dean's eyes. And the realisation that his good intentions were lost somewhere along the way.