Inside Hotch's Mind
Disclaimer: CBS owns Criminal Minds, but I wished I did...
Summary: As Hotch sits in his office contemplating his single status and the return of a certain brunette, his mind wanders...
Timeline: AU Present Day
A/N: Thanks to the reviewers of my last few stories, I've been feeling kind of down and your kind words help.
So anyways I hope you enjoy this story, and if you could leave a review...
"The mind is like an iceberg, it floats with one-seventh of its bulk above water." Sigmund Freud
Hotch leaned back in his desk chair and sighed in the darkness that was his office.
Swiveling his chair around he looked down into the bullpen of the BAU and saw Garcia dragging Morgan towards the elevator in excitement. A small chuckle escaped Hotch's lips as the two descended into the elevator.
Looking back down into the bullpen Hotch saw her darkened hair bent over her desk, as Emily worked on the small case files still left on her desk.
Without looking down at the ringing phone, Hotch answered, "Hello?"
"Aaron?" Jessica said, "It's me. I was wondering if it will be alright to keep Jack for a few more days? My parents are having a barbecue tomorrow night and want him there."
"That'll be fine." Hotch said inwardly sighing at that "I'm glad he's having fun with your parents."
"Thanks." Jessica said, "Oh, I gotta go. I'll call you when we're headed back into town."
Hotch closed his cell phone tossing it on his desk as he watched his brunette agent hard at work.
For the past few weeks, ever since her return, Hotch had been watching her. Relieved that she was alive and well filled him with peace, but he had a strange overwhelming need to keep an eye on her. More so than before, it was beyond the role of Unit Chief, more so.
Hotch leaned back in his chair, tired from the case they had worked. While contemplating his lack of reasoning for his incessant need to keep an eye on Emily Prentiss, a thought crossed his mind. Romance.
Shooting his head up at the ceiling he wondered where the hell that train of thought came from, he closed his eyes and wondered what it would be like to be in love with a woman like Emily Prentiss.
He knew right off the bat she was smart, nearly as smart as Reid. She was fierce, attentive, funny and gorgeous.
But the small lingering trace of doubt had that one question, loyalty. Shaking his head at that notion, he knew it was wrong to even doubt her loyalty. She did what she had to do to, he understood that.
Resting his head back, not wanting to leave the BAU to go home to an empty home and he didn't want to leave Emily all alone in the bullpen, he sighed. He was stuck, and he knew it whether he admitted it or not.
"Why are you sitting here in the dark all by yourself when you can go down into the bullpen and talk to her?" a female voice said causing Hotch to open his eyes and stare at the visitor in shock.
"Haley?" Hotch said in shock "What... what the hell?"
The blonde sat on Hotch's couch, smiling at the shocked man, "I'm not a ghost if that's what you're thinking. I'm a part of your subconscious."
"What?" Hotch asked "Why?"
"You're a logical man, Aaron." Haley said crossing her pants covered legs "I'm sure you'll figure it out shortly."
"You're here to give me guidance?" Hotch asked turning to face the specter of his dead ex wife "Why?"
"Because I spent the better part of almost twenty years with you." Haley said "Now let's talk. I haven't got all night."
Hotch sighed and looked over into the bullpen, Emily was still working away on her files.
"You're afraid to open your heart up to love again, Aaron." Haley said watching him watch Emily.
"No, I'm not, Haley... Wait do I call you Haley since you're in my mind?" Hotch asked.
The blonde sighed, "Well seeing as I am here in the image of your ex wife, I guess it'll be fine." Haley said, "Now answer the question."
"What question is that?" Hotch asked turning to face her.
Rolling her eyes, "I'm not stupid, which means neither are you. You know I'm right. You're afraid to open your heart up to love again."
"No, I'm not." Hotch said, "Just because I'm not sitting down in the bullpen with Emily, doesn't mean I'm afraid to open up to love. I just don't have time to go down the road to having any kind of a relationship, be it with a subordinate or anyone else."
"That's a lie." another female voice said, this one with a hint of a British accent.
"No it's not Kate." Hotch said looking at the couch seeing Kate Joyner sitting next to Haley.
"You know speaking on behalf of your subconscious, because you are clearly avoiding the discussion." Kate said, "Aaron we both know you had no trouble in New York when we were flirting. It's obvious that you are choosing to avoid relationships not that you don't have the time to."
"Oh, New York?" Haley said smiling at the British woman "And just what happened in New York?"
Kate looked over at Haley, "Well let's start with how surprised he was to see me since..."
"Hey, hey, hey" Hotch said "This is not about that. This is the fact that I don't have time to start dating let alone time for a relationship, not with Jack or the job."
"Oh please, Aaron." Haley said, "Jessica is always there to lend a helping hand with Jack. She loves him, and she'd do anything to help out."
"And the job, Aaron" Kate said "Isn't a problem, when the perfect woman for you, also happens to be in the same field as you."
Hotch saw both women look down into the bullpen at Emily.
"Not Emily" Hotch said "I would never be interested in someone I worked directly with."
"Yeah right, Aaron" Kate said "Then why am I here? We both know that you'd never let your career stand in the way of what you want."
"I certainly know that." Haley said "And I'm not even the real Haley. But you cannot give up on love."
"Why bother with it?" Hotch asked the two women "It's brought me nothing but misery and pain."
"You can't give up on love, Hotch." Emily's voice said causing Hotch to turn and see the brunette sitting in the visitor's chair.
"Prentiss?" Hotch said surprised to see her, and looked down to see Emily still working on her files "Oh my God, I'm going insane."
The Emily in his chair chuckled, "Hardly, but you're mind called us all here for an important reason."
"And what reason would that be?" Hotch asked rubbing his hand over his temples.
"Because we all hold a special place in your heart." Haley said "And each of us know what you're going through."
Hotch sighed and said "I get that you all hold a special spot in my heart but harping on me about love..."
"The profiler in me, in you" Emily said "Sees that you fear that you're destined to fail at love."
"You think because you failed at being a husband, that no other real relationships will last." Haley said walking over to sit on the edge of the visitor's chair next to Emily.
"And that fear has closed your heart off on any other possible romances" Kate said walking over to sit on the edge of the desk, "And even after New York and my death, you close off any woman who gets that close to you."
"That's not true" Hotch said "I had every intention of making up for my shortcomings."
"After Foyet" Haley said "You told me or rather the real Haley that, you intended to make it up to her for the rest of your life."
"And look how well that got me." Hotch muttered glaring at the three apparitions.
"You did make it up to her" Emily said "By raising Jack and being the best father you could possibly be to him, not just for you and him, but for his mother too."
"How would you know?" Hotch muttered staring at the real Emily.
"Believe me when I tell you, growing up with a cold and distant parent that would rather work then take the time and coach their own kid's soccer team is no fun." Emily said smiling at him, "You are a wonderful parent to Jack."
Hotch sighed "How much longer are you three going to be here?"
"Until you get it through your thick skull." Emily said chuckling, causing a Hotch to smirk.
"Can I just ask, do you think it was Haley's possible infidelity that caused you to shut off your love?" Haley asked.
Hotch turned his chair around to face the three apparitions and said, "I don't know. I don't know if she had or hadn't had an affair."
"Look how he's avoiding the question" Emily told the two women "Classic signs of avoidance."
"Very, classic" Kate said "And see the way his hands tightened at the question?"
"Stop profiling me." Hotch told the two women.
"It's your own mind that's doing the profiling." Haley told Hotch.
Hotch sighed, "Fine, yes. Part of it was the suspicion I had."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Emily asked "Come on, the shrink is in. Go on, lay on the couch."
"I don't want to lay on the couch." Hotch said "When Haley left, I felt like the biggest failure. I could take down an unsub or track a serial killer but I couldn't save my marriage."
"But the marriage was already bottoming out by then." Haley told him, "Having you choose between your family and your career was just the push that needed to be done to end it."
"I know." Hotch said "But it still hurt because there was Jack to think of. I knew she'd never keep Jack from me."
"But you wanted to give him a sense of normalcy." Emily said "And you think that if you fall in love and get remarried that it's going to reflect negatively to Jack?"
"Partly." Hotch said "I mean if I couldn't make it work with Haley, then how can I make it work with anyone?"
"That's why they call it 'a leap of faith' you can't know unless you try." Kate said "No one can know for sure."
"And no one can predict the future" Haley said "You can walk out of here and get hit by a bus or live to be eighty years old."
Hotch sighed seeing the three apparitions look at him with intent, and he nodded giving in. Knowing that these pieces of his subconscious were telling him what he already knew.
"I get it." Hotch said.
"Do you?" Emily asked "Because as much fun as this is, and adding in the dredging of past relationships are, it's a little confusing."
"You're telling me." Hotch muttered "I'm the one sitting here talking to three women I've loved and lost."
"But you didn't lose Emily." Emily told him "You felt like you failed Haley and Kate with their deaths, but you didn't fail Emily."
"Yes I did." Hotch sighed finally getting to the real heart of the matter "If I had known about Doyle, then I could of protected her better and she wouldn't have been nearly killed or had to fake her own death."
"Emily chose not to tell you about Doyle, but not for selfish reasons, she did it to protect you and the team." Haley said.
"If she had told you, then Jack, Sean and Jessica could of been targeted along with the team." Kate added "And that would of been worse then her own death, if anyone, let alone an innocent had been hurt."
Hotch sighed, "I know, and her stubbornness would refuse to have our help. She would rather have taken Doyle on instead of risking the lives of her team."
"Yep, that sounds like her." Emily said "But seriously, you're afraid to tell her that you've fallen in love with her because if you'd admit it, she could be another woman that's taken away from you."
"She's right, Aaron." Haley said "You fear that if you fall in love, that woman will be taken away like Haley was taken away, or she'll walk away like once again, Haley did."
Kate looked at him and said, "You can't live your life in fear of the unknown. Life's a risk, and so is love."
"All right, all right. As much fun as this has been, are we done yet?" Hotch asked.
"Aaron was never a fan of therapy, let alone the touchy feely kind." Haley told the other two.
"No kidding." Emily said.
"I got it, I was a failure at love, with all of you because of fear." Hotch said "Happy now?"
"Uh, technically you never failed with me, because your fear stood in the way of asking." Emily told Hotch.
Hotch glared at the apparition and said, "So what, I go up and ask her, you, out? What if she laughs in my face as she rejects me?"
"You'll never know unless you ask." Haley told him, "You were never this insecure when you asked Haley out."
Hotch sighed, "That was another lifetime ago, when it was cute to be impulsive."
"You could just maybe start out slow." Kate offered "Ask Emily to coffee or a bit of dinner? It couldn't hurt to ask."
"And smile" Haley said "Those dimples are a sure fire lady charmer."
"Absolutely" Emily said "Those dimples..."
"Work, huh?" Hotch said standing up "Wish me luck."
Hotch got on his suit jacket and straigthened his tie, leaning down to get his briefcase and closed the door on the three apperations who vanished.
Walking down the catwalk towards Emily's desk, Hotch saw her look up at him in surprise.
"Oh, hey Hotch" Emily said smiling "Heading home?"
"Thought I'd grab something to eat" Hotch said "Would you like to join me?"
Seeing her bite her lip, Hotch flashed his dimples and saw her cheeks turn pink.
"Sure." Emily said "If it's ok with you."
"Yes." Hotch said watching her straighten the case files on her desk and grab her coat.
Hotch walked with the brunette to the elevator and felt a real sense of calm rush over him, as their hands both reached for the elevator button.
"So" Emily said casually "How's Jack doing?"
Smiling, Hotch said, "He's great, he asked me to invite you to his next soccer match on Saturday. Will you come?"
Emily smiled, "I'd like that. I heard Dave say he's a hell of a kicker."
Hotch laughed as the two walked into the elevator, "Oh he is. He'll be happy that you're coming to the soccer game, he's missed you alot."
"I've missed him too." Emily said smiling at Hotch "I've missed everyone, but I'm glad to be back."
"And we're all glad you're back too." Hotch said touching her hand and smiling at her "You have no idea how much."
"Men are not prisoners of their own fate, but prisoners of their own mind." Franklin D. Roosevelt
The End
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