It's hard to be Becky Baker's friend sometimes, because there's still so much about her that Jenna doesn't understand: the way that she can't seem to get over her irrational fear of swear words; how she can completely block out any and all thoughts of dating and focus solely on "the big four:" friends, family, school, and God; or even how Becky is so forgiving, even when Jenna messes up over and over again in ways that other girls would never bother to even glance at her for again.
It's things like this that make it easy to be her friend, too. Becky is a lot of things more than just her religion. She's smart, she's calm, she's talented, she's supportive, but most of all, she's uncomplicated. And that's exactly what Jenna needs. After everything that she's gone through in her time at Degrassi so far, all she really wants is to be able to take a step back and fall in with someone who doesn't hold any history with her. Someone who can make her feel carefree and weightless and new again.
This is what a baptism must really feel like, she thinks.
—
Staying away from Luke sounds like a hard idea in theory, but she finds it's just the opposite when she puts it into practice. She doesn't think about him, and he stays out of her way. It's a perfectly lovely relationship facilitated by Becky, who seems more than a little possessive of Jenna.
It's hard to figure out how she feels about it at first, because she can't remember ever having a friend quite like that. Someone who shelters her from the world unconditionally, without a second thought, and without wanting a single thing in return. Well - without wanting anything except for her to stay away from Luke, but that doesn't count anymore, because she'd rather be around anyone but him. Sure, she has Alli, and Clare, and she had KC, and they're all perfectly fine friends, but there's just something slightly off about Becky in a good way. Something that she can't put her finger on.
There's a lot of things she can't quite put her finger on concerning Becky, but she finds herself caring less and less the more she becomes entangled in her life.
—
She's not sure exactly what happens, but one day she and Becky are sitting on the front steps of Degrassi, her plucking experimentally at her guitar and Becky rambling quietly to herself about her English assignment. When she glances up, she finds the sunlight lighting up behind her friend and forming a literal halo, making her all blonde hair and delicate features and blue eyes. There's a sharp tugging at her heart, and her fingers slip, causing a broken sound to come from her guitar and forcing Becky's attention away from her paper.
There's a few seconds where Becky catches her gaze and doesn't say anything, and Jenna feels like there's something expanding behind her ribcage, like her lungs suddenly can't be contained, and her breath is literally gone. She can't breathe, and it's all Becky Baker's fault.
It's only when Becky's snapping her fingers in front of her face does she realize how much she's zoned out, and she offers her a weak smile and an even weaker excuse about how she has to go and turn in a late assignment before fleeing the scene.
Is this what they call an awakening?
—
She prays.
She doesn't know what she's doing, and she finds herself mumbling half-heartedly most of the time, but she tries. She prays for guidance; she prays to understand what is going on; but most of all, she prays for those few beautiful seconds where Becky was gazing at her and things seemed to slot into place and make sense to repeat themselves again.
She pores over the Bible that Becky lent her, trying to find any mention of homosexuality and how it's treated by her newfound faith. Not because of her, but because of Becky. Jenna's always been clear about how she feels about gay people: they're just fine. They're born that way, and that's that. Not even the fact that she's been baptized and attends church now will change her view.
She doesn't want Becky's view of her changing if this little...whatever it is ends up extending beyond just Becky and onto other girls.
What she finds after hours of research is disappointing, and she closes the book with a sigh, rubbing tiredly at her eyes and deciding she needs to do a lot of thinking.
—
It's only Becky.
Jenna tries to figure out if she can feel this way about any other girls, but none of them can produce the fluttery feelings in the pit of her stomach like Becky can, or make her heart leap in her chest with just the sound of their voice. She tries to picture herself wanting to take Alli on a date, or wanting to hold hands with Clare in more than a platonic way. She watches Fiona Coyne and Imogen Moreno kiss in the hallway one day (and feeling very much like a pervert) but it doesn't do a thing for her. They're cute, sure, but they're cute in the sort of way that she'd think anyone was. They're nothing special to her. She almost wants to go up to the two of them and ask for advice, but that would be the worst thing in the world to do.
Becky, though. She can imagine everything with Becky. Everything from coffee dates to snuggling up on the couch to watch old movies to holding hands between classes to - and here is where she feels her cheeks heating up - kissing. Sometimes chastely, sometimes the opposite of.
There are days when she feels like this will all blow over, and she can go back to just being best friends with Becky. Days when maybe Becky's smile doesn't affect her so much, or the touch of her hand on Jenna's arm doesn't send her heart into overtime. Times when Becky's casual usage of the word "girlfriend" doesn't make a lump appear in Jenna's throat and cause her to wish that Becky would really, truly mean it. It always feels like she's making progress, but then Becky will do one small thing that sends all of her progress swirling down the drain.
—
It's a Wednesday when Jenna gives in to temptation.
She isn't sure why that particular detail sticks out in her mind whenever she thinks back to it, but it's the first thing that comes back to her.
She and Becky are in the Bakers' living room, working on another project. They have the house to themselves, since Pastor Baker is working on a sermon at the church, Mrs. Baker is at a friend's house, and Luke is at hockey practice. Jenna's been successfully ignoring every fiber of her being that's screaming at her to do something every time Becky shifts next to her on the couch - for some reason, she insisted on sitting incredibly close, and the entire length of her thigh is pressed against Jenna's.
Becky turns to ask Jenna a question at the same time Jenna moves to talk to Becky, and they find themselves only inches away from one another. In a reflexive motion, Becky's gaze flicks down to Jenna's lips, and that's all Jenna's subconscious needs to make a move. Before she can stop herself, she leans forward, covering the distance between them, and presses her lips to Becky's.
For a minute, she feels like her fantasies will come true. Becky will kiss her back, she'll tell her that she likes her too, that she's always liked her. They'll be able to be a couple, and they'll hold hands at school, and they'll fall in love and be happy. Jenna can finally get her happy ending and everything will be okay.
But then Becky pushes her off, her eyes wide, and she raises her hand to her lips, scrubbing at them as though she can rid Jenna's kiss from them that way. Her eyes shift away from Jenna and she announces that maybe it's time for her to leave, and mechanically Jenna follows her orders, packing up her stuff and leaving.
She gets outside the Baker household, makes it down the steps, and then has to take a seat on the walkway, because she can't trust her own legs anymore. She can't even wrap her mind around what she's just done, what the consequences could potentially be. Everything is going to be different now, that's for sure.
She's like the prodigal son now, having to find her way home.