Bittersweet Relief

Beta read by the amazing friend, editor and author Viedyn. All remaining mistakes are mine.

~*~

Lucy smiled slightly as she looked back. No sign of Narnia; no courtyard, tree or Caspian. Or Aslan. No, all she could see were bricks and people bustling around. If she closed her eyes she could smell the smoke from the train or hear thegrinding of metal. If she needed any other proof that she had returned, it was there.

No longer Queen Lucy the valiant. Just a school girl once more. Again. But still she smiled. It was a bittersweet smile, but nonetheless a smile, because things were different this time.Oh, she once again had the familiar ache in chest, so painful that she feared her heart might crack, but it was dulled. Last time it had felt like her heart would shatter and tear asunder. and the memories of her time in Narnia – of what she had lost – would drive her to tears.

But it was different this time. This winter was not so harsh. For this time she had left with a promise of return and without the strong relationships of last time. And it was, she mused, better that way. She followed her siblings into the train, frowning at the doors as they closed; so modern. So different to Narnia.

Last time her return had been such an agonizing wound she could not think. She had been in Narnia, had grown up and become a woman with relationships befitting of one. Dearest Tumnus. She still thought about him near constantly, and had mourned the death of her lover as an eight year old girl in Narnia. The deaths of the Beavers, Fox, Oreius and all the others as well. Beloved friends who she would never see again.

This time however she had neither grown up nor ruled a country. Nor had she left behind such strong friendships. She would miss Caspian and Trumpkin and all the others, but these fast friends had not been mentors and companions for ten years.

And so Lucy smiled in bittersweet relief. She had been pulled from the world she considered her true home once again, but the hurt was not so bad.

She would wait and long for her next return but not with the passion she had done so before. Because he would be there to welcome her back as she had hoped for the past year. And who would be there? She could enter another Narnia, a completely different one again; another Narnia which would not be home again. Now Lucy knew, deep in her bones, that her home was gone. The ruins of Cair Paravel had been the final closure she needed: she could never go home again. So leaving this pretend, mirror version of Narnia that claimed to be home did not hurt.

Not as much, at least. Because she wasn't leaving her true home. She had done that already and so Lucy smiled for her bittersweet pain relief.