Six months after exiting the Framework
Daisy shook Jemma awake and even before she could say anything she knew something was wrong. Daisy was out of breath and sweating; wherever she'd come from she'd hurried, and if she was being woken in the middle of the night there was only one reason.
"Fitz?" Jemma asked her, heart racing at her friend's dishevelled appearance.
"He's having another episode, this one's bad Jemma… He's in the Lab." Daisy told her, still panting.
Jemma sprang to her feet tucking her hair into a loose ponytail and throwing on her dressing gown as she asked clinically, "Is he alone?"
"No," Daisy answered quickly, "Mack's with him but he's not listening, he's not listening and…"
Jemma's breath hitched at the evident panic in her friend's voice, "And?"
"He's got a gun." She answered quietly.
Jemma spun on Daisy furiously, "How the bloody hell did you let that happen?" Before Daisy could say anything Simmons slipped into shoes and started towards the Lab, continuing as she did so, "What triggered the episode?"
"I, I don't know – we were just talking about old times, about you two and…" She practically had to jog to keep up with Jemma's fast pace, "Simmons I am so sorry, he seemed completely fine."
"What triggered him exactly Daisy?" Jemma asked without slowing at all, impossibly her mind was clearing as she separated her emotion from the clinical requirements at hand: whatever else Fitz was to her right now he was her patient, and he needed her help.
"We… I don't know it happened so fast." Daisy stammered and finally Jemma stopped when they were just about to turn the corner to the Lab.
"Please Daisy," She paused, voice shaking slightly, "It's important I know what I'm walking into."
Daisy nodded and retraced the conversation in her head, "We were talking about the quiet nights we used to have on the Bus – about the TVs built in the bunks, he said you and him used to watch his one together all the time and then he just, freaked out."
"Christ," Jemma cursed and bit her lip in frustration. Seeing Daisy waiting expectantly she hastily explained, "Doctor Who – it's what we watched, well one of the things but he always said I'd make a great companion if he was the Doctor."
"Oh my God," Daisy said shocked as she also pieced it together, "Simmons…"
"It's not your fault." Jemma cut her off before Daisy could apologise before giving her a reassuring smile that she hoped was convincing. "Thank you for waking me."
In the six months since they had returned from the Framework Fitz had shown promising signs of recovery; in the early weeks he was inconsolable, reclusive, dangerously unstable – she had been worried he'd never talk to her again. She was terrified she'd finally lost him: after the ocean, the other planet, the LMD and the Framework the idea that he was finally irreparably gone was too awful and yet she could find no way of breaking through to him. At first everything she did was wrong – it was like when she returned from Hydra but amplified, he'd jump between self-loathing and anger so fast she could barely keep up. Nonetheless he had made progress, and soon they had talked and kissed and slept next to each other again – it was like testing the relationship anew. All her fears that she couldn't love him after what he did vanished when she saw just how scared of his own shadow he'd become, how hopelessly broken and in need of help the real Fitz – her Fitz – was.
When she turned the corner she found Mack resting a hand against the glass to the Lab, he turned to face her with concern and relief that she'd arrived in equal measure. She wordlessly thanked him for looking out for Fitz before walking up to the glass and looking through. Fitz was sitting on a lab worktop with his back facing them, head on his hands and gun on the table. She sighed in relief that he wasn't holding it.
"Fitz." She said in the strongest voice she could muster.
He flinched but didn't turn to face her; his voice was muffled behind the glass, "Go away Jemma."
"I'm not going anywhere Fitz," she shot back more confidently than she felt, "we promised we'd work through this together."
"I'm a murderer." He spat, turning to look over his shoulder at her, daring her to argue.
"Yes you are." She said coldly. She wanted desperately to say that what happened didn't matter: that Agnes would've died anyway, that the Framework wasn't real but she just couldn't do it. It was real to him, to her and to Agnes. "But you're also a brilliant man Fitz; you've saved so many lives."
"So that's it then, everything's ok!" He practically shouted – his voice shook with desperation.
"No Fitz, it's not." Jemma snapped, "You or not you I watched something unforgiveable and I have to learn how to forgive it, but you're not the only murderer on this base."
"I should just move on, pretend everything's all hunky dory?" Fitz stood up and walked to the glass, his eyes were blazing and shining together at once.
"What do you want Fitz?" Jemma met his gaze defiantly, "What do you want from me?"
When Fitz answered he practically roared, "I want you to call me a monster! I want you to tell me it's not ok!" He paused shaking as he dropped his voice down, "I want you to tell me you hate me."
Jemma sighed and put her head against the glass, they were close enough to each other that without the barrier they'd almost be touching. She slumped as she admitted softly, "I can't tell you I hate you Fitz… it would never be true."
His shoulders deflated as he took a step backwards into the lab, she saw his eyes panickedly darting from her to anywhere else and back again as he tried to say something back. After a few moments of pained silence between them he said defeatedly, almost like a child, "I don't know what to do."
"Yes you do." Jemma answered as calmly as she could, "The first thing you do is unlock this door."
He hesitated and she watched as terror had completely replaced all traces of anger on his face, "You… you're not, mad at me?"
"No Fitz, I'm not mad." Jemma answered him almost in exasperation before chiding him, "But you should've come to me like we talked about – not locked yourself in and certainly not with a gun."
"Christ Jemma I'm so sorry." He said immediately, looking back at the desk where the gun was. She could tell he'd forgotten he'd even brought it with him.
"It's ok Fitz." She assured him, the tiredness she felt finally reflecting in her tone and voice. She tried to avoid showing her relief when his hand touched the lock.
"Jemma?" Fitz said quietly and unsure, "Why… why can't you hate me? You should, after…"
"You dove through a hole in the universe for me." She told him, but he wasn't convinced.
"And you dove into a virtual one for me, why Jem?" He shot back.
"How can you not know?" She challenged him, she knew what he was asking – she wanted him to tell her she loved him. She knew that she loved him entirely even after everything, but she also knew that he had to heal under his own strength, that her love couldn't be the bandage to his hurts no matter how much she wished it could.
"Please Jemma, say it." He seemed so unsure, so lost. She could see him begin to step back away hand instinct kicked in.
"Open the door and I'll tell you." She said authoritatively.
He looked at her as if it was a trick for a moment before doing exactly as she said, he unlocked the door and she flew through it immediately, gathering him into her arms, "Fitz you stupid, wonderful man." She mumbled into his shoulder feeling tears run down her cheeks.
He stood there sheepishly for a moment before returning the embrace in full. "I'm sorry." He apologised, "I'm so sorry."
"Fitz you can't keep doing this." She told him as she felt his warmth against her.
"I know." He answered simply, his chest wracking in restrained sobs, "I just… I can't believe that I was… am an evil man."
She extricated herself from him and cupped his face with her hands, "The line between good and evil runs through the heart of every man Fitz, and even in the best of all hearts," she pressed one hand against his chest gently, "there remains an unuprooted small corner of evil…"
"Solzhenitsyn?" Fitz asked, recognising the author of the quote.
Jemma nodded and continued, "It's what we choose that makes us who we are."
"But I murdered her." He said in a small voice, "Radcliffe tried to stop me but I wanted to do it, and everything else."
"Do you believe the LMDs had souls?" She asked him suddenly, "Radcliffe believed they did."
"I'm not sure – Ophelia said," he stopped as he saw her flinch at AIDA's Framework name, they hadn't really discussed his relationship with her. He changed his approach, "Scientifically… it's impossible to know."
"But unscientifically – what do you believe?" She asked.
A slight smile ghosted his face as he teased lightly, "Unscientifically… is there a thing?" When Jemma kept looking at him he sobered and answered, "I don't know… yes."
"Yes?" She asked, it was Jemma's turn to feel uncertain.
"Why are you asking?" Fitz questioned her now, confused.
"I killed your LMD Fitz, and I can't help thinking – programming or not – some part of it was you; it thought like you…" Fitz interrupted her before she could continue.
"You didn't have a choice, I did… and I can't tell you how many ways it's not the same."
"He wanted to get married." Jemma blurted out then shied away embarrassed, "You wanted to get married."
Fitz's demeanour changed entirely, "and... what did you say?"
Jemma looked to her feet uncomfortably, "I told him I'd tell you when I saw you."
"Do you…" Fitz began but Jemma cut him off.
"Fitz please don't propose, not like this." Jemma berated him but he gave a slight smile.
"You're not going to kill me if I do are you?" He lightly joked.
"Fitz that's not funny." She shot at him but she could see in his eyes that he was only trying to lighten the mood; his apologetic expression showed he'd not meant anything by it.
"No it's not, I'm sorry." He looked at her and ran a hand through her hair before adding, "But that's not what I was going to ask… I wanted to know, needed to even… Do you still love me?"
She met his uncertain gaze and answered without having to think, "Yes."
"Even…" He began but she stopped him again.
"Leopold James Fitz, I still love you… and one day, one day I hope you ask me what I thought you were going to ask," she chose her words as carefully as she could but noted even then a hope flare in his eyes, "but we both need to heal first, we need to come to terms with what happened in there."
"I know Jemma, even if I don't know how." He tried to smile but it fell short of his eyes, looking at him so close she could see the deep rings where he'd not been sleeping well.
"Come to bed Fitz, we can talk more in the morning." She told him in a caring tone that he knew also meant she wouldn't take no for an answer.
They passed Mack and Daisy in the corridor who had been waiting to make sure everything was ok, Daisy smiled at them both as Jemma led Fitz to their room before mouthing the words "Are you ok?" to her once Fitz was settled. Jemma just nodded and said goodnight.
Lying in comfortable but heavy silence she could tell Fitz wasn't asleep, that there was more that needed to be said before either of them had a chance at rest. She took a deep breath and said slowly, "Even in a heart overwhelmed by evil, a small bridgehead of good remains. Not for nothing Fitz, but the final days in the Framework… when you got us out, that matters too…"
Fitz squeezed her hand. "Goodnight Jemma."
"Goodnight Fitz."
Author's Note:
Final upload before exams, hope you enjoyed it - there's going to be so much healing that needs to happen between everybody after they get out the Framework. R&R please :)