Title: Whatever Pain May Come
Status: Complete
Pairings: N/A
Additional Categories: Canon, One-Shot
Genre: Comfort, Hurt,
Season/Episode: Set at the end of Episode 02x07 'Half a World Away'
Rating: Teen
Warnings: N/A
Spoilers: 'Pilot', 'No Quarter', 'Half a World Away', 'Welcome to the Occupation'
Summary: A burning question sparks inside Annie's head during the conversation with Auggie regarding his old unit. Deciding to ask him, Auggie reveals more about the mission to capture Khani.
Series/Sequels: No
Author's Notes: According to IMDB, Patrick Sabongui played Nassir as well as Khani. If that's true then my belief that Khani infiltrated the Iraqi army as Nassir, the man assigned to Auggie's unit is confirmed. Woohoo! Reviews are greatly welcomed! The version with the lyrics can be found at my LJ. Link to my journal is found on my profile.
Whatever Pain May Come
"How do you deal with the fact that Nasir was Khani the whole time you were there, that he was the terrorist you were tasked with tracking him down?" Annie asked as they started on their third round of drinks. The two of them had scooted closer together, talking in soft voices as not to be overheard in the busy tavern. It helped that there was a group of drunken coeds in the table next to them, speaking loudly.
Auggie rolled the fresh bottle in his hands, his jaw tight with emotion held in for so long. "When I woke up at the base infirmary, I was incandescent with rage. According to the base doctors, I practically roared out my frustration when I came to, so much so, I began ripping out the IVs and saline drips before they sedated me." Shrugging, Auggie took another pull from his drink. "I don't remember it. The only thing I do remember, though, is waking up the second time as I knew by then that something was wrong with me and it was confirmed when I couldn't see anything."
From her seat, Annie could tell that Auggie was having trouble telling her. From the moment she had known him, she had known that he was that type of individual who kept things close to the vest, who rarely let in others in. There were times, however, that letting someone in was less painful than actually revealing to them a dark secret that you kept within.
"No matter if you were a soldier from Special Forces, a Navy SEAL, a Marine, or whatever branch you're in, from the moment you step into training camp, you learn quickly to trust the man next to you because if you don't, you're as good as dead. They are the ones that protect your back as you move forward. If you're injured, they are the ones that will surround you until you're brought to safety. If you're surrounded, they are the ones that will come to your rescue, damn the risks to hell. They become closer than family, closer than your real brothers. You sweat together, you bleed together, and you hurt as one. I had trusted them with my life, including Khani. I know it may sound strange, especially since it was Khani who ultimately did betray us, but for a moment, out there in the sands of Iraq, we did connect on a personal level. Don't ask me to explain it because I know I won't be able to. And in one morbid way, I have to thank Khani that it was him who did this. As I started my rehabilitation, I used that fury and anger to get through everything, the learning how to perform simple things as feeding and clothing myself."
The former operative went quiet for a second; his unfocused gaze staring out into the distance over Annie's left shoulder. "Another thing you learn is that as the leader of the unit, you carry the responsibility to bring your men home, as unharmed as you can." His dark eyes caught Annie's, his face solemn. "As their leader and friend, I failed in that regard. I failed as a CIA operative in not uncovering Khani until it was too late. Even now, I carry that guilt. Helping to catch Khani lessened it a bit but I know I will always blame myself for their deaths.
"It haunted me every night and in the day time, probably even more so since I can't focus on anything with my eyes. That first week, I could literally feel the darkness pressing down on me, drowning me in the last memories I had of my friends. The medication the doctors gave me in the beginning was a blessing and a curse. I almost became addicted to it at one point." The words tumbled out of Auggie, his stomach clenching at the thought that Annie now knew another one of his darkest secrets. He had come so close to letting himself sink into an abyss of self-pity, self-hatred, and all-consuming anger. The only thing that had saved him was his youngest brother and that was because Auggie had almost beaten the shit out of him when he had drank too much one night. Maybe he would tell Annie later but not now.
"It just goes to show how much of a strong person you are. I may never have been in the army and seen what you saw during your tours but I do understand some of what you are feeling. My dad used to talk to my mom about the men and friends he knew while serving, how it was his job to see them come home and the guilt when they didn't." Reaching out, Annie took Auggie's hand in her own. "At least Khani will the justice served to him when he's taken to court for what he has done and you're the one who brought him here. You still completed the mission that cost you your brothers in arms." Auggie squeezed her hand back before leaning back in his chair. "But why did you lie about Khani's death? Back when I first joined the Agency, Joan said that having Stas reported as dead would have led all of the agencies and governments believing that he was dead, allowing him free reign to do what he was contracted to do." She tightened her fingers as Auggie tried to pull away, refusing to let himself draw back into the defenses he had built around the painful tragedy. Her thumb caressed the skin on the back of his hand as he ceased struggling.
"Even now, I don't really know why I kept the truth from the CIA and the military higher ups; pride, anger, a thirst to keep the revenge personal?" Running his other hand through his dark locks, Auggie seemed agitated. "I didn't know what I was thinking. Not then, not even when I wanted to take down Khani myself on the plane. Perhaps it was the thought that killing him would have evened the debt he owed me for taking the lives of my friends. When they questioned me about what had happened during my stay in the base infirmary, I lied to them, that the only thing I remember was a dead dog and light. They assumed that after taking down the fake Khani, I went to check a suspicious object in the street when I was heading back to the humvee instead of on the road to Tikrit and that was the reason I survived, because I wasn't near the vehicle when it exploded. They also assumed that Nasir's body was vaporized when he supposedly was inside getting medical supplies for Chris while Jason tended to him. I never corrected them on that."
A thought entered Annie's mind. What Auggie had done three years ago was lie to a superior officer, something he could be sent to federal prison for. "Has Joan said anything about the military coming to talk to you?"
He pulled his hand out from Annie's slack hand. "I've already talked to them when I came back as they had heard over the channels that Khani was in federal custody when he had been caught on U.S. soil. The cover was that I was in Istanbul for a jazz festival and was shocked to discover that Nasir had survived the explosion. After listening to his conversation with the man at the bazaar, I learned that he was actually the terrorist that we were trying to capture. In my anger, I wanted to kill him instead of bringing him to justice but I came to my senses before carrying it out." Auggie informed her, bringing the bottle back up to his mouth.
When Annie talked, Auggie could hear the amusement in her voice. "You know, that's basically the truth of what happened."
"Which is why they believed it was true and left without bringing me up on charges for lying. I will tell you that Joan did hand me one in her office after they left. For a second there, I thought she was sure going to do good on her threat that I would get fired for pulling another stunt like I did with Natasha." Auggie paused dramatically for a second, giving Annie his trademark smirk. "I'm surprised she hasn't put in a GPS tracker in me or something. I wouldn't put it past her."
"I am sure she was surely tempted with you getting in to trouble while on vacation."
"I do remember you were also in hassle while on vacation with your sister."
"Touché."
They sat there quietly for a while, sipping their beers as they thought over what Auggie had revealed after three years of silent suffering. As Auggie swung back another pull of his bottle, Annie leaned in forward, a thought tickling her mind. "Auggie, in the picture, there's a banner of the 82nd Airborne Division and your uniforms are also from that division but the tattoo on your back points toward the fact that you were in the 1st Special Forces Group. What's the story behind that?"
"Leave it to you, Walker, to catch the small but important details." Her friend gave her a sad smile as he took another swing of his beer. He set it down with a thump, his thumb caressing the neck. "You know, in the CIA, you learn quickly that what seems to be straightforward and simple is not, that the world can be both seen in different colors, varying shades, as well as only in black and white. What you thought were facts turns out to be lies and what were lies could be facts. It's our job to know what is and what isn't."
"The truth is complicated." Annie murmured, remembering the words Ben had written in the letter the night he had left her in Sri Lanka.
"Unfortunately. After Natasha, I wanted, needed to get as far away as possible so I asked Joan to give me any mission that would send me to the opposite end of the world, leaving friends, family behind. Lucky or unlucky depending on how you see it, it turns out that the CIA had received word that a few insurgents had infiltrated the Iraqi army and were passing information back to the Iraqi terrorist cells from within, targeting US soldiers, American interests, and allies. With my training as both a fully trained Special Forces soldier and CIA Operative, Joan thought it would be perfect for me to go and replace the interim captain of the unit chasing Khani. They basically rewrote my military file; instead of a Special Forces soldier from the 1st Special Forces Group, I was a Ranger in the 82nd Airborne Division coming back for a third tour."
From her Army upbringing, Annie had a good mind on the patches, insignias, and tabs seen on the Army Combat Uniforms. "Hence the Ranger tab on your left shoulder along with the All-American patch of the 82nd Airborne. What happened to the previous captain in charge of the unit?"
"The former leader was Captain Henry Williamson who hailed from San Antonio, Texas. From what I can gather now, Khani began to believe that Williamson was onto him and led him into a trap in Baghdad where an al-Qaeda sharpshooter shot him, killing him instantly. The captain that took over the unit in interim was actually a civilian CIA operative who was originally sent in for my mission but wasn't quite fitting so easily into the military operations, thus threatening to uncover what the CIA and SAD were trying to accomplish. So to Iraq I went, taking over the unit. At first, they were distant, both from the loss of their captain and friend as well as being unsure of type of leader I was but after the first mission out into the field, the latter was no longer an issue." Auggie closed his eyes. "During those few short weeks, we began forming the bonds that you see between soldiers who served together in situations that you've never dreamed of, bonds that make you combat brothers.
"Out of the four of them, Chris was the first one to warm up to me, especially considering the fact that he was new to the division and was eager to learn any skill to make him a better soldier. He always seemed to have this energy about him, never able to quite stand still longer than a few seconds. As for Billy, we would eat dinner together, discussing music. He always tried to get me into jazz as I was an oldies fanatic back then."
"Do you still have your rock and roll albums or did you throw them out when you came to your sense?"
"I still have them on my iPod, woman. Just because I have a new favorite genre doesn't mean I will abandon musicians such as Led Zeppelin and Guns N' Roses. I just turn to jazz first when I want to relax."
"Maybe it's due to the fact that you're getting older and you can no longer keep up with the beat."
"I would think of it as being more refined." Swirling around the remaining beer inside the bottle, Auggie thought for a moment, remembering his friends for a bit. The last time he had tried to remember them, it had only brought the pain roaring back in full force. What he had told Annie about the photograph was true; he could still see every single face, the lines of their jaws, the colors of their tanned bodies and hair, the way their uniforms blended into the background, the brightness of the sun as it shone down on them that last day. For him, it was a symbol of the pureness of their relationship before he had learned of Khani's ultimate betrayal. Even now, he struggled to keep the truth from tainting the memory of their time together. He refused to hand Khani another victory. Auggie already has lost too much. Licking his lips, he continued the conversation. "Jason loved to challenge me to hand to hand combat as he was a 3rd degree black belt in Jujutsu as he also had earned a black belt in Judo the previous January. I had a slight advantage over him due to my taller size but for the most part, we were pretty even."
Auggie took another swallow of his beer. "Khani was the last one to warm up to me. He thought I was born in Washington so he kept asking about the American life but since Tash was arrested there, I didn't want to talk about it. He stopped after the first month. By then, my warning bells should have gone off but they didn't. Maybe it was due to the fact that I was focusing on targeting and eliminating the threat of the other insurgents I found posing as Iraqi translators in the other units on the base that I didn't notice it. Overtime, I started to get this feeling that I was missing something, someone. I think that was when Khani decided to murder us personally."
"It would have allowed him to slip back out from under us while eliminating the unit chasing him as well as any suspicion on him being a double agent, especially if he suspected there was the operative who was sniffing around, looking for people like him."
Auggie nodded in confirmation. "There was a reason why he was in the Royal House. The man was brilliant and deadly. He had been trained by the Iraqi National Intelligence Service in 2005 after going through the al-Qaeda training camp. He quickly rose through the ranks until he was leading his own cell, the very one that specialized in infiltrating anything. You could kind of say that he was the head spy for the terrorists."
"Do you think he knew you were a spy?"
"After the incident, there were times where I thought back on my actions in Tikrit, wondering what I had done to tip him off." Auggie admitted. "I made sure that my movements around the camp were well hidden, whether it was when we were playing football, hanging out, watching the buildings burn in the distance, cleaning our weapons, or whatever. But Joan told me before I left today that Agent Rossabi asked him, subtly of course, if he knew that a CIA operative had been on the team that he targeted back in 2007. From his responses, he didn't know and believed that I was only a grunt, the leader but a grunt nonetheless."
"You, a grunt? Pfft, that's like saying a panther is a pretty teacup kitty or something." Annie blushed. She was glad that Auggie couldn't see her or he would be even more insufferable.
"A panther, eh?" Auggie laughed softly as Annie gave him a not-so-gentle punch to his left shoulder.
"Now, your ego is probably bigger than it was ten seconds ego." Annie signaled the barmaid for another round. Two more Millers were dropped off as Auggie finished his third, setting it with the other empty bottles. "So you're not a Ranger, then?"
"Nope," Auggie popped the 'P', giving Annie a smirk. "One of the soldiers from the 3rd SFG actually saw me. Luckily he had been transferred to his unit when I was being transferred back to the States to begin my time at the Farm. I told him that I was a brother of the man he saw years ago and he believed me. And no, none of my brothers are in the 82nd Airborne Division or even a Ranger for that matter."
The mention of his brothers had Annie perking up a bit. She had heard rumors of Auggie's time with Arthur's pit bulls when the DCS had issued a company-wide order for everyone to undergo a polygraph test. The DPD, especially the Tech Ops center, had been the first ones to be tested to see if they were the leak. The rumors circulating around the DPD for days afterward had mentioned that Auggie had told the polygrapher that he could lie well due to his four older brothers. "Are any of them in the services?"
"The two oldest brothers are in the Marines. Julian is a major, probably soon to be lieutenant colonel. Kevin seems to be comfortable as a Captain. He seems to be comfortable out in the field instead of riding a desk. My second oldest brother did like the action a little too much. Miles, the third oldest, served in the Navy, did his stint, and went to medical school. He's currently a trauma doctor at the Hillcrest Medical Center in San Diego. I think he almost got shot once by a gang-banger, if I remember. The last one, Jonathon, serves in the Army as a captain in military intelligence. Out of the four, he was the closest to knowing that I was a CIA operative, because maybe it was due to the fact that he was with me when I was being rehabilitated at Walter Reed." Auggie mused out loud.
Annie opened her mouth to ask about what happened between him and his brother Jonathon but ultimately it wasn't her place to ask. She didn't want to dump her growing problem with her sister when he was starting to deal with his own problem from years ago. Plus, it was time she returned the favors she owed him for being her rock and confidant. "I think it's about time we start heading out. Anymore rounds and I think the bartender will have to collect us in kegs from the beer we've downed."
Auggie gave a small laugh as Annie helped him up, his right hand instinctively picking up his folded cane from where he placed it on the table. The bartender caught their eye, acknowledging that Annie and Auggie would need a cab. As they headed for the exit, the bartender picked up the telephone. "I was about to start on the whiskey too."
"I'm sure you have some tucked away in your apartment, Auggie. I've seen your stash of Patrόn in one of the cabinets somewhere."
Tilting his head sideways, Auggie's landed somewhere near her left ear. "Want to join me?"
Annie laughed as she led him to the side of the curb. "Trying to get me drunk?"
"Four beers should at least make you tipsy."
"Pfft, you've seen me drink."
"Yeah, you drink like a sailor sometimes." Both of them laughed for a bit. Annie sighed, leaning her head against Auggie's bicep. Around them, the hustle and bustle of the city continued on, cars running past on the street before them as people chatted and laughed behind them, some heading into the tavern. Each time the door opened, a bit of the song streaming from the speakers flooded out onto the streets before the doors closed again.
It was times like this that reminded Annie of the reasons why they did what they did. To keep this easy going atmosphere going for others, to allow them a world unburdened by loss and pain.
"Annie?"
"Hmm?"
"Thanks for listening."
"No problem, Auggie. I'm just glad that I was able to be here for you." Annie tilted her head to look up at him, seeing his gaze looking up into the dark sky. "I know you don't trust easily now, because of Khani, but I'm glad that you've trusted me enough to tell me about your unit. Trust like that doesn't come easily." Annie kissed his cheek. She stared back out at the street, watching people heading home and friends chatting with one another.
"Did Rossabi see you as you were coming down the ramp? I never told him that you were the operative on Special Forces unit chasing Khani."
"I would think not. I was hiding behind the crates after I gave Khani one last kick. I think he knew someone was on the cargo plane as the pilots were still in their seats. He just decided not to check but I'm sure he has some clue as to who bound Khani."
"Personally, I think he would have been shocked to see it was you. The blind guy from the morgue catches the Jack of Diamonds."
"Even more so since on the official file, Joan made sure to have the FBI acknowledge that they wouldn't have captured Khani without the help of an undercover CIA operative who will remain nameless until it's deemed necessary to reveal his name." Auggie gave Annie his shit-eating grin.
"She did not."
"Oh she did. The FBI just about ate feathers when the DNI told them to comply."
"Joan's one hell of a woman."
"That she is. And I would guess that's our ride."
Dim lights struck them as the cab pulled in front of them. "Need a ride home?" The cabbie shouted through the window.
"Yeah. I'll be dropped off first then the lady." Auggie replied, nodding to Annie to get in first. As he closed the door behind him, he spouted off his address. "Good thing Joan gave us the day off tomorrow. I don't think she would have appreciated us coming to work hung over."
"I'll just blame it on you." Annie replied as the cab pulled away, heading for Auggie's apartment.
"If I remember, you're the one who decided to take me to Allen's for a drink. People would begin to think that I'm rubbing off on you."
"You're one that said to keep a bottle of tequila and a healthy sense of humor. I'm just following your advice."
Auggie's chest rumbled with a deep laugh. "Touché."
Annie smiled in reply, leaning back against the seat as the cab continued driving on, light from the streetlamps flashing into the backseat.
And then there were times like this with her best friend and confidante that made her job worthwhile. She couldn't imagine ever being without his company, even if he was incorrigible.
Story Notes: The title came from Linkin Park's song 'What I've Done' with the full stanza being 'whatever pain may come, today this ends, I'm forgiving what I've done'. As for the tidbits about the 82nd Airborne , that's true, at least based on my research as I am not a military buff. The patch on Auggie's ACU is the All American Patch which is the insignia for that division. The Ranger tab above the patch is one of four permanent tabs that can be placed there though only three can be worn at any one time. The four tabs are the President's Hundred, Special Forces, Ranger, and Sapper tab.