The End
by Kate
Disclaimer: Guess what? I don't own JAG.
Rating: PG
Summary: Not much to summarize here. What the doctor told her.
So here it is, my triumphant return to the fanfic world, after months of absence. Sorry its short and not great and has no plot (thinking maybe I shouldn't be telling you everything that's wrong with it before you read it). Practice will cure all ills. Thanks for reading.
The story:
So when did this happen? How did my life become as it is now, and what did I do to make it so? It seems like these past few days have turned my whole life upside down, made the world once more incomprehensible to me. What's even stranger is that my life was already upside down. The months since last September saw many changes, and I guess I've only recently gotten used to the new status quo. Become if not comfortable, at least resigned to the way things are. Accepted that its impossible to reclaim the past, realized that the present presents many gifts of its own. My own little instant family has given me a fair share of joy and I suppose I expected things to continue as they were, happiness and sadness in a stable proportion. Not perfect, but at least predictable. Predictability is sadly underrated, I think. There's something comfortable, maybe even pleasant, in receiving according to your expectations. It almost makes you feel as if you were in charge, as if you were the one up there distributing life's pains and pleasures. Like maybe you weren't just hurtling blindly through life, desperately trying to push aside the darkness and really see where you're headed. Given the chance, would any of us really choose to burn the blinders and get a glimpse of our ever after? I don't know. I'm not sure I'd want to see me in a few years. I might not like the show.
So how did I get here? Things were just starting to even out, I had an idea of what I was doing, where I was going. And now I don't know. She's sitting there in front of me, telling me she's going to die, and I don't know. Is there anything that I can say that won't come out sounding trite or cliché? Is there anything that I can do that will make anything any better for anyone? I've just told her, Hey, your boyfriend's a corpse. Let's have a baby! (not the exact words, but close enough for discomfort) and now she says she's dying.
Harm... I can't...
Three words. That's all it took for me to comprehend the depth of what was to follow. In the pause between her third word and fourth, I saw all of what she was trying to tell me. Who needs spoken words when tear-heavy eyes can communicate the whole story?
...I can't. God, this is so hard. Why should it be?
And she looked at me, and she really wanted to know. Was really asking me. Sometimes you ask a question, but you're not really looking for an answer. Its not that you wouldn't accept one were it given to you, its just that you don't expect to learn the that or the why, the if or the what. But she did. She was looking for the cause. Well, that's just another thing I couldn't give to her, another thing I couldn't be for her.
I don't know, Sarah. Sometimes I think I don't know anything.
You only call me Sarah when its really serious, a sad smile settled on her face. As if she'd made a decision to be cheerful for the rest of the conversation, maybe for the rest of her life. Not to long. She can do it. She's strong. She's a marine. She's going to die.
I...it is serious, isn't it, Sarah?
Yes. Harm, I can't have a child. I'm dying.
So calm. Well, I could be calm too. And I was. I knew what was coming, after all. What else could it be? What other end to this world-shaking week but the revelation that my best friend and one true love was going to leave me forever? One true love. I haven't tried to hide my feelings from myself for a long time. Everything is as it is, and there's no use running from the truth. Mac is going to die. That's the truth she told me, the truth that I had to accept. Accept it, and move on. That was the plan.
No! You...can't die. There must be some mistake. Test results got mixed up. Doctor was wrong. Hospital fouled up. You're not going to die...
Well, plans are meant to be ignored, right?
her voice was so smooth, so sweet, so serene, There's no mistake. The doctor performed an exploratory surgery. No tests to get mixed up. No chance...
You'll get a second opinion. There's a way. There has to be a way. Sarah...I'm not ready to live this life without you.
Harm, you're going to have to.
So this is how it goes, said my mind, I feel like I'm losing everyone all at once. The Admiral, Harriet, Mattie, even Webb, and now her.
Harm...Harm, will you do something for me?