Suzumiya Haruhi no Zetsubou
"The Despair of Haruhi Suzumiya"
CHAPTER 1: How it all began
A long time ago, I wouldn't have believed in the existence of aliens, espers, or time travelers. I had lived a life that stomped on the possibility of extraterrestrial life, shouted down the idea of ESP, and ignored the possibility of time travel. Those were the days.
And they're behind me now. My name is Kyon. Well, my nickname at any rate, but that isn't really important. My job here is to explain my entire situation from the very beginning. And it all started on the way to school…
It was a nice day, sometime during September. I was walking to my new school, when I encountered another student.
"Hi, my name's Kafuka Fuura. What's yours?" the student asked me. Her short, black hair sat atop a face that held every ounce of innocence. It was obvious that she viewed everything in a positive light. So innocent, I'd hate to see her crushed by an inherently cruel world.
"Kyon," I simply responded.
"So, you're going to my new school, huh?" Kafuka noted, "I guess we'll be seeing a lot of each other in days to come."
"Yeah," I noted the possibility.
Just then, I turned, and saw the most unusual thing…
A man in a kimono, hanging himself. This is not good.
"I did not see anything," I said to myself, "Nothing at all…"
"NO!" Kafuka threw herself at the body, snapping the rope that held it up, "Don't throw away your life!"
As body and girl landed on the ground, I began to wonder if the girl was all right.
"Speak to me!" Kafuka yelled.
"No use," I deadpanned, "I doubt that guy's still alive."
Almost instantly, the man shot up and glared at Kafuka with glasses-covered eyes.
"WHAT IF I DIED?!" The man yelled.
"… weren't you trying to do that five minutes ago?" I asked.
"… like it matters," the man said, removing the remnants of the rope from his neck, "I didn't die. Again. I'm so useless, I can't even take my own life properly."
"You wouldn't kill yourself," Kafuka said, "Not on a beautiful day like this."
"Then, what was he doing?" I asked.
"Trying to make himself taller," Kafuka responded.
"Eh?"
"My father often attempted to make himself taller on several occasions, and my mother tried it out once," Kafuka explained.
Images of her parents attempting to kill themselves flashed in my head. Then, I realized something. She was just acting innocent and carefree in order not to be affected by this cruel world. This girl needs professional help.
"But you seem tall enough," Kafuka noted to the man, "You just need to get good at jumping to get those baskets."
"I really was trying to kill myself," the man growled, "I've lived a life of despair and grief, and don't desire to life anymore. But yet, every time I attempt suicide, I wind up in situations where I live. I'm worthless to the world, and yet I still walk on the earth!"
"Well, you could consider improving your situations," I suggested, "After all, that's what life is all about, isn't it?"
Looking up, I noted the other half of the rope was attached to a brilliant Sakura tree.
"Unless, you're gunning for a noble death," I added. Looking at the trunk, I noticed a sign was attached.
PINK CEO
"Okay, forget what I said," I deadpanned.
"Since the tree you tried to use for your quest for height is called 'Pink CEO,'" Kafuka contemplated, "I'll refer to you as 'Pink Supervisor.'"
"… No," the man said, "Just… no."
"But he tried to help make you taller," Kafuka said.
The man ran off, yelling, "I REALLY WAS TRYING TO DIE!"
What a strange man.
"Yeah," Kafuka responded.
At school, I began to wonder. Was Kafuka really that innocent? Or was she trying to keep her own misery at bay? Oh, wait, I already figured that out.
"So, you're one of my fellow new students?" a girl said after she walked up to me. Looking up, I noted that her jet black hair was parted down the middle.
"Kyon," I said.
"Chiri Kitsu," The girl responded.
Just then, I heard the door open.
"Alright, students," a semi-familiar voice said, "Welcome to the first day of the rest of your pitiful lives."
Turning, I saw exactly where that voice came from.
"YOU?!" I shouted in surprise.
"Pink Supervisor!" Kafuka, who shot up from her seat.
Almost immediately, tiny whispers filled the room.
"Pink Supervisor?" "That is a very strange name." "That is so aibou." "Huh?" "It's either 'partner' or 'gay.' I dunno."
"Enough!" The man responded, "My name is not 'Pink Supervisor!'"
"I don't think anybody thought it was," one guy responded.
"Allow me to introduce myself," The man stated, "It is Nozomu Itoshiki."
As he stated his name, he wrote in the formal Japanese form. Vertical.
"As you can see, I have been cursed by this name's unlucky stroke number," Mr. Itoshiki noted, "Therefore, I have been in a lot of situations I didn't like. That's what I have to say about…"
Looking, he noticed – as did I – that Kafuka was writing the name horizontally, since stroke number only applied vertically. And what did it say?
"ZETSUBOU." Despair.
"So, you're not Pink Supervisor," Kafuka turned to Mr. Itoshiki, "You're Zetsubou-Sensei!"
"NO, I am NOT!" Mr. Itoshiki said, turning back to the class, "Well, we all know my name. So, introduce yourselves and state one fact about yourself."
"I'm Kafuka Fuura," Kafuka introduced herself, "I happen to see the bright side of things."
As she ended, I decided to stand up.
"I'm…" I started, just as a truck passed by, "… but most people call me Kyon, thanks to my little sister."
Sitting down, I noticed a girl behind me stand up.
"I'm Haruhi Suzumiya," the girl began, "And I have no interest in normal humans. If anybody here is an alien, Esper, time-traveler, or interdimensional slider, we'll talk."
Little did I know those words would be the beginning of a horrid experience.
Hello, Readers, and welcome to my fanfiction, "Suzumiya Haruhi no Zetsubou," a crossover between the popular anime, "Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu," and the not-exactly popular but humorous anime, "Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei." If I had bothered to put it up in the crossover section, people wouldn't find it so easily. And don't worry, I have no intent on copying any chapters from any other fanfictions with this story. It's all me, Baby! X3
Now, please be generous and review!