AN: Set in the time shortly after Kurt and Blaine became boyfriends. I wrote it a couple of years ago and never finished it. But here it is any way.
WHAT'S WRONG?
It's true, I'm gay. I've known it for a long time. I always felt different from other kids. Now that I'm older I know how I'm different and I'm proud to be gay. But if you'd have asked me two years ago if I could have chosen to be gay or not before I was born I'm pretty sure I would've picked not gay. I mean, I am proud of who I am but life would be easier if I was like everyone else, at least sexually. It would be a boring world if we were all the same in every way. But if you ask me today, I might have to choose to be gay. What's the difference? I finally found love. I found someone that I love very much and he loves me back. What could be better than that? And if I wasn't gay I wouldn't be in love with Blaine. I just can not fathom being in love with a girl, any girl no matter how great she might be, as much as I am in love with Blaine. He's the center of my world now and it feels right. I came out nearly two years ago and no one was surprised. I guess I set off peoples 'gay-dar'. Being out was hard at first but worth it when I went to spy on the Warblers and met Blaine. By then I was used to being out and could just tell him and his friends I was gay and then it turned out he's gay too.
We were just friends at first. It was nice to have a friend who was gay, I didn't feel so alone in the world. But I wanted more. I learned from my wreck of a crush on Finn to back off when those are the signals I get. Eventually, Blaine started to feel more for me too. Neither of us have ever had a boyfriend so we're working through the ins and outs of boyfriend-hood together. It was really nice to see each other so much when we were both going to his school but I just needed to be me at my own school. Out of Dalton's uniform and back with my girlfriends – and I mean girls who are just friends! Maybe I can convince Blaine to transfer before next fall so we can go to school together again. Anyway, there are a lot of drawbacks to being gay and in a relationship. Most of those drawbacks have to do with intolerant boobs with tiny brains, tinier hearts and big mouths. Blaine and I have never kissed in front of anyone else. We've never walked in public holding hands. Public displays of affection between two guys cause too much grief so we have to hide our affection in public. Even those that know we are boyfriends don't seem comfortable seeing us even hold hands. There is a part of me that rages over the unfairness of it but Blaine and I have made our peace with it and we keep our affection private. We try to think of it as a special secret between the two of us and not something shameful we have to hide away. Our love is not shameful. People's intolerance of love is what is shameful.
There are some perks to being gay and in love other than the usual perks of being in love. Blaine isn't quite as fashion conscious as I am but he's much more so than most straight guys. And at least he notices what I'm wearing and comments on it. And something I never could understand about girls was the twisted ways they'd try to say something. Just say it plain, will ya?! Yeah, that's the guy in me coming out. But since my boyfriend is also a guy we can say things plainly and not try to hint around the issue or twist it up so something ugly sounds pretty. We just say what is on our minds. It's brought us closer together. For the rest of the school year it was hard being away from him all day but I went see him at least once during the week after school and he came to see me at least once during the week. And the other weekdays we texted, called and Skyped most of the evening, waiting for the weekends. But now it is summer, blessed summer! And not only do I have the house to myself until later this afternoon but I've got Blaine all to myself too! He even came early to have breakfast with all of us before my dad and Finn's mom went to work and Finn headed over to Rachel's place. At breakfast Finn was talking about hockey and Blaine admitted he'd never played ice hockey or street hockey either, never even put on skates. Things are still a bit of a jumble in the basement from moving two households into one and it took me a while but I managed to find my in-line skates. It's time Blaine tried skates. And if he just happens to need to hold on to me or fall into me during the learning process... well, I don't mind at all, quite the contrary. Thankfully the driveway is pretty flat so he won't have to deal with a slope and I will be able to touch my boyfriend in public without anyone wigging out.
I was heading back to my room to get Blaine when I heard him from the hallway. It sounded like he was crying. I quickly opened the door to my room to see Blaine sitting on my bed in a crumpled heap, face in his hands, crying. I dropped the skates and ran over to the bed to throw my arms around him. "What's wrong, Blaine?" What could've happened during the short time I was looking for the skates that would make him cry like this?
"I-I-I love y-you!" he blubbered.
I wasn't sure what I expected him to say but it sure wasn't that. We've been saying 'I love you.' to each other for over a month now. Something is wrong but his loving me isn't wrong at all. I'm confused. "Honey, I love you too but what's wrong?"
"What's wrong?" he parroted back to me and then repeated his first answer, "I love you!" and cried even harder.
I imagined my world cracking apart, Blaine thinks loving me is wrong? He's changed his mind about being gay?! It's not a choice! Ok, some people are bi but I thought we cleared up the straight, gay or bi question months ago. Blaine said he was gay. 100% gay. My heart was beating too fast at the thought of losing Blaine but more than that my heart was breaking seeing him in so much pain. I felt so helpless, he was so upset and didn't seem to be able to tell me what was wrong. I climbed up on the bed with him and wrapped myself around him and just held on while he cried. He was clinging to me and trying to get closer to me so at least that was a good sign for our relationship. He cried himself out after several minutes and I just held him until he pulled out of my arms.
"I'm sorry." he said.
"Blaine, don't ever be sorry for your true feelings or letting me know what they are." I wanted to tell him I loved him but I was afraid that would start up his tears again but I didn't know why. "Now can you tell me why you were crying?" I ventured.
He bit his lip and his eyes teared up again but he didn't cry. He looked down at the bedspread. I waited for him to speak. Finally he said, "You know how you go through your day and there is that internal dialogue going on in your head? You're thinking 'I'm hungry, what should I get for lunch?' or 'I need to hurry up or I'll be late for class.' all that thinking going on in your head. You know what I mean, right?"
"Yes, I know what you mean." I said, prompting him to go on with his explanation.
He was still looking at the bedspread and wouldn't look me in the eye. "For a long time now, years really, I've had this phrase pop into my head at odd moments and I hate it. I hear a voice... No, wait. I don't mean I actually hear a voice but it's like my internal dialogue is saying from another person's point of view 'What's wrong?' and I hear my own internal voice saying 'I love you.' And I hear it over and over. It has been real bad lately and it just finally got to be too much. It's like my own brain is saying for me to love someone is wrong." he finally looked up as fresh tears streaked down his face. "I don't want this" he said gesturing to the two of us, "to be wrong. I love you too much."
I didn't know what to say. What an awful thing to live with. I just put my arms around him tight and held him while I thought about what he had said. Neither of us has had an easy time of being gay. First of all, you are born and the world expects you to be straight. You're told you'll go to school and grow up and eventually marry someone - of the opposite sex, of course - and have kids and have a life. It's what everyone is told but somehow you just know it will never happen for you but you don't quite know why. You know you are different. And it takes a while to figure out that difference for yourself and you spend a lot of time trying to believe it isn't true, that you aren't different in 'that way'. And probably spend even more time trying to hide that difference from the world once you admit it to yourself. I remember the first time I heard about a gay couple, it was liberating, I wasn't alone in the world. There were others like me! But being gay was still treated like something shameful so I tried, unsuccessfully as it turned out, to hide it for as long as I could. I still struggled but with my boyfriend by my side the struggle was worth it and I am doing pretty good. But my boyfriend apparently isn't doing as well. Not only being attacked from the outside world but being attacked by his own mind. My dad said he knew from the time I was a toddler that I was gay and he had accepted it. Blaine's parents might have had hints early on but even when Blaine told them he was gay they said he wasn't. They flatly refused to have a gay son and completely ignored the issue. They haven't gone so far as to ban me from the house but Blaine has never told them I am his boyfriend. They think I am just a friend and they can live with that lie. It seems their anti-gay campaign has sunk deep into Blaine's subconscious and is in there working against the very core of who he is, making him miserable. I have to help him. I love him and cherish his love in return and there is nothing wrong with that! I have to rewire that loop of internal dialogue in his brain.
I pulled away from him. He was still staring at my bedspread so using one finger I tilted his chin up so he was looking me in the eye. "Do you trust me?" I asked.
"Of course." was his instant reply.
I took a hold of one of his hands and squeezed. "What's wrong?" I asked.
His eyes closed tight and his face crumpled in on itself, just short of crying again. He took a few deep breaths and then looked at me again with pain in his eyes. I squeezed his hand again. "Just say it."
"I love you." he said in a defeated whisper.
"Hey, you know what? That's a pretty good trick. How do they do that?" I said trying to sound shocked.
Blaine looked confused. "What?"
"Well, you and I know perfectly well that there is nothing wrong with loving each other. And I swear I just heard your parents' voices or at least a good imitation of them. That is where that voice comes from." I explained.
Blaine did not look any happier at that thought. "Maybe it was the whole world's voice." he said glumly.
This was going to take some time. "Not my voice! And you have to refuse to let it be your voice too!"
"I can't help it, every time I've loved someone it was wrong and it turned out badly. I should never love anybody at all."
Oh honey, no one should hurt that much! "Tell me." I said.
"Why?" he asked.
"So we can figure out if your love was wrong like you say it was." I was going to have to do some fast thinking!
He took a deep breath. "In 4th grade I really liked this guy, Gary. He was my best friend and I wanted to hold his hand while we walked home from school. He got so mad and wouldn't talk to me anymore. That was when the other guys started staying away from me, I think he told them."
"Your love was not wrong, just misplaced. Was it 'wrong' of Rachel to be interested in you?" I asked.
"Rachel didn't do anything wrong, I just couldn't return her interest because I'm gay." he said.
"Exactly, Rachel's interest was misplaced. So was your interest, or crush, on Gary. What was wrong was Gary's reaction but he was too young to know better. His reaction cost him a good friend, poor Gary." I said with exaggerated sadness for Gary.
"What about the Sadie Hawkins Dance?" he asked. "How was that not wrong?" He was daring me to say it wasn't his fault. He should already know it wasn't his fault.
"Did you love that guy?" I asked.
"Uh, no, he was just a friend but..."
"Since there was no love it couldn't be your love that was wrong, it was the small minded bullies who were wrong. Very, very, VERY wrong!" I said with conviction.
He looked hesitant about what he was going to say. I gave his hand another squeeze assuring him he was safe and could say anything, I wouldn't judge. "My parents? It seems they'd rather I didn't love them. It seems they'd rather I was never even born."
I had to choose my words very carefully. "That is just sad. I mean, it's sad they can't accept the wonderful son they were blessed with. It's sad they would want you to be someone you aren't. That's not what a parent is supposed to be. Blaine, something is lacking in them, the way they behave proves it. There is nothing wrong with you. You love them like you are supposed to love your parents, they are too damaged to return the love."
"Jeremiah?" he offered.
I laughed. "Oh, honey, I'm sorry for laughing. But it wasn't your love that was wrong, just your over-the-top method of declaring it and saying it too soon. You got the guy fired and you outed him all at the same time." He hung his head in shame. "But, again, it wasn't wrong for you to love him. He just didn't love you back, yet. I bet if you'd have held back and been a friend he would've fallen in love with you. I mean, really, how could anyone resist you? It was my luck he ran away from our 'Gap Attack' on him. Then I got you all to myself!" I said and kissed him soundly. "Don't you see that it's your parents' warped view that is stuck in your mind? They have brainwashed you. We will have to re-brainwash you. So... what's wrong?" I asked with emphasis.
I could see in his eyes that 'I love you' popped into his head but at least it didn't come out of his mouth and he was thinking about it instead of just reacting. "Uhh.. nothing's wrong?" he said more like a question than a statement.
"Aaaand... what's right?" I prompted hoping he knew what I wanted him to say.
"I love you?" he said with a small smile.
"Oh heavens, yes, that is very right!" I said as I pulled him down on the bed and captured his lips in a desperate and honest kiss. Blaine quickly started to kiss me back. His kissing had a desperate, begging feel to it. I let him take all he wanted from me and kept on giving. I love the feeling of his lips as they slide against my own. Soon he licked his way down my neck, making me shiver all over. He nipped and sucked at the base of my neck, making a hickey. I think he was marking me as his own. I didn't mind a bit, I am his. He broke away from my skin and I felt the cold air on my wet neck, I wanted his lips back on me, back on my lips. His lips were made for kissing, the feel of them, the way they move against mine. Heaven.
Blaine leaned back from my neck and just stared at my face. We were both breathing fast but I held as still as I could. Something was going on in Blaine's head, I could practically see the wheels turning. He slowly reached out to cup my cheek with his palm and run his thumb over my swollen lips. His eyes were shining when I saw a small smile begin on his face. Finally he said, "This is too beautiful to be wrong. I love you." I didn't get a chance to say it back right away as my lips were suddenly busy with other things, namely Blaine's lips.
The skates lay at the end of my bed, totally forgotten. We had a quiet day indoors, watching a couple musicals and singing along. Parts of the movies passed by us unnoticed because we were lost in each other at times. I could see that progress had been made but I knew we were a long way from Blaine never having those words pop into his mind unbidden and unwanted but it was a start. Lean on me, baby, I won't let you down.