"I don't help people anymore."
It was a stupid thing to say. I hadn't meant it when I did say it, and I regretted the words the moment that they had left my mouth. People tell me that I'm really smart, and I know I have above average intelligence, but that doesn't mean I don't act stupid sometimes…like right now, for instance. I'm just trying to find the difference between Robin, Red Robin, and Tim, and I think I'm failing miserably at that. I want Red Robin to be different from Robin…no, I need Red Robin to be different from Robin. And, as far as Tim goes, well, I don't even know who Tim is anymore…who I am anymore.
I'm starting to wonder if maybe that's why I haven't told Dick about the evidence that I found, which shows that Bruce is still alive. If I was Robin, I would have told him immediately, because that's Robin's job…observe and report; but I'm not Robin, so I don't have to just observe and report anymore. And I know that that's just more bullshit that I'm feeding myself. I know exactly why I haven't told Dick about the evidence that I found. If I told him, he'd go straight from whatever he's currently thinking of me to apologetic and understanding, and I don't want that right now.
Okay, yeah; so a part of me wouldn't mind it if Dick felt a little remorse for tearing Robin away from me. I mean, I may be mature, but even I have moments where I just want to be considered as more than an afterthought. But that's not the point. The point is, while it'd be nice for Dick to actually understand me and everything that I'm trying to do right now, I don't want him to start hating himself for not listening to me. Well, that's not completely accurate, either. I mean, of course I don't want him to be all self-loathing just because of me--and it's not like he doesn't have enough on his plate right now--but, right now, for me, it's just a hell of a lot easier to be angry with him.
And I know that that sounds horrible…hell, forget sounds. It is horrible--but I don't want Dick's understanding right now. I don't want his apologies, or any of his other bullshit. I just want to be angry for a while, and I know that there's no real rhyme or reason to it. Because being angry isn't going to help me accomplish anything here, but I think that maybe I've spent too long trying not to be angry, and I'm pretty sure that I don't mean just with Dick anymore. I'm fairly certain I've spent a little too long trying not to be angry about anything with anyone; and I think part of me is taking that out on Dick because I know he'll always be there--which makes me an ass--of course, but I don't know any other way to deal right now.
Hell, I don't even know why Dick deals with me. I don't know why he puts up with half the shit that I put him through--but he does. I don't think he'll ever really know how much that means to me. Even when we're at each other's throats, he doesn't ever treat me like my parents did. They could rarely find the time to deal with me when I was my most well-behaved self, let alone when I was in a particular mood. I also appreciate the fact that Dick doesn't treat me like any of the people who worked for my parents. They were always nice to me, but I could always tell that it was just because they felt like they had to be. Dick doesn't, because Dick doesn't have any reason to be nice to me…any reason to give a damn about me. But he does, and that just baffles me.
So, I should be able to tell him what evidence I found, why I'm looking for Bruce, where I am, and everything else that's running through my head, but I can't. Not because he wouldn't listen, not because he wouldn't understand; hell, not even because he wouldn't try his damndest to help me…no, I can't tell him any of that because he would listen, he would understand, he would give everything he could to help me, and I can't let him do that this time. I've done enough to Dick. He doesn't need to get involved this time. That's why I chose Red Robin, after all, because there's no connection there…none at all.
The end