Lifeline; Beyond the pain
An LP fan-fiction
Chapter 1; Pieces of me

Lucas took in the pair of eyes looking at him, looking at him so intently, as though checking he wasn't going to fall apart. He couldn't breathe, the silence was crushing, and he couldn't find any words to fill it. "Daddy!" His daughter's beautiful voice shattered the quiet, and released the tears Lucas had been fighting; it was the quiet he couldn't bear. He held his daughter close, and hoped she could feel how much she was loved. Gently dressing her for bed, he drank in her beautiful green eyes and her smile, and hugged her close again when her pyjamas were on. As she drank her milk and drifted to sleep, he read her "Cinderella" – his wife had told him that there was nothing wrong with fairytales, and she was right.

Drifting to sleep was easy, as he allowed himself to relive the past, and reawaken his wife, if only for a few minutes; but it was waking up that was the hardest, the worst part of the day. Those few minutes of glorious haze where dreams and reality mixed were all too short, and Lucas couldn't hide from the aching in his chest, where his heart used to be, as each morning he had to remind himself that he was alone. Sometimes the pain became all too much, like now, and he couldn't breathe, couldn't think at all, until an all too perfectly familiar face appeared in his head.

His wife's face was all he saw when he closed his eyes, and for that reason he did it often. There was so much beauty in her green eyes, and she made the ache in his chest lessen, so he could breathe. Today, the day of her funeral he sat in the front row of black and sadness, and he knew it would be hard. He closed his eyes and lost himself in her beauty, as the minister began talking about the love of his life as though he knew her; and he didn't. No one knew what made her laugh, or why she slept on the left side of the bed, or what she'd whispered to him the night they found out she was pregnant.

"Lucas!" An urgent whisper sounded from his left; Nathan.

Luke turned to meet his brothers gaze, sadness and strength emanating from his eyes. "You ready for this?" Nathan gestured to the priest, who asked Lucas to step to the front. He wasn't ready for this, not at all.

Making his way to the front, he glanced back at his amazing family who had been so supportive, and he took a deep breath.

"I'm meant to stand here and tell you about my loss, but find some beauty or meaning in it, and give us all a hopeful message. I'm meant to tell you it was her time, or that God wanted her sooner than expected. I'm meant to say that she is now an angel, watching over us; I know what I'm meant to say. But I can't say any of those things; because they're not true. I loved my wife, with every single part of me, and my heart breaks everytime I think about what we won't get to do together. She won't see our daughter go to school, or ride a bike, or graduate high school or get married. She won't see me as an old man, who can still love with his whole heart. And I won't get to see her get older and even more beautiful, and I won't see the joy on her face when we become grandparents. That's all been taken away, and I can't see any beauty in that, I can't find hope in losing the love of my life. She was my soulmate, and she's gone, but I know I will love her everyday for the rest…for the rest...I..."

Lucas' sentence went unspoken as the tears overwhelmed him, and Haley was there, holding him up, without asking, without a word. He made his way back to his pew, thankful for friends like Haley, who had so much grace and strength, even when she was hurting too. So much hurt, so much love. The rest of the service passed in a blur of faces and sadness. Leaving the wake as early as he could, he headed home alone, to dozens of condolence cards surrounding him, and a thousand memories.

His mom had taken Anna, understood he needed to be alone with what he was going through, and he appreciated that. He didn't want her to feel scared or alone right, and knew Karen would make her feel safe.

The silence thick, he sat down, whiskey in hand, looking for something to distract him. A book on the coffee table caught his eye; he picked up what seemed to be a permanent fixture in his living room; 'Ravens.' He could never understand how someone could reread a book so many times, but Peyton had done it often. It had been years since he'd read the words he'd written, but today he needed to immerse himself in another time, in another life.

He opened the book, and saw the dedication that had been written for him. "Lucas + Peyton = True Love Always. I know you wrote it, but read this book often please Luke. It's a part of me, and you, and Anna. Remember that when my song ends, you have nothing to be afraid of, its just life. I love you. Always yours, Peyton."

Always.