50 things to remember while Courtney is Pregnant
By Duncan
Okay, I made this list while my wife, Courtney, was in labour with our first child.
Here are 50 things I must remember next time this happens. If she ever lets me near her again.
1. Courtney is the one in the big oversized grey shirt, green pants, long brown hair pulled back, killer look in her eyes, fat ankles and big round stomach that is holding my kid
a)She blames me for the kid
2. Nick names for her include
a)That evil woman
b)Boss
c)The Lawyer
d)Miss know it all
e) Psycho
f) Bitch
3. Nick names only I can call her
a) Evil witch
b) Princess
c) Honey
d) Babe
e) Sweetheart
f) Hot stuff
g) You giant pregnant beast
4. Courtney is the youngest lawyer in the country, owns her own practice, and is slowly making her way into office. That way she can rule the world.....and it would be legal...
5. She is really mad that she's on maternity leave, but she still tries to work...bloody work-a-holic
6. Courtney helped me get my first job, now I'm the boss!
7. Courtney and I got married when we were 23, the next day, we found out she was pregnant (meaning that I got her pregnant before we got married, so we are pretending that the kid will be premature)
8. This will most likely be the only child I ever have, as she told me that she would have killed me if she didn't need a baby-sitter the second the kid came out
9. When Courtney told me she was pregnant, she did not find it funny when I asked if it was mine
10. Nor did she find it funny when I asked if she would get bigger boobs as that would help me to except this
11. The first couple weeks of pregnancy were the worst as Courtney
a) Threw up all the time
b) Cried all the time
c) Was mad all the time
d) Frisky all the time (I loved this the most)
12. I cannot eat the following in front of Courtney
a) Sardines
b) Chicken
c) Fried food
d) Pickles
13. Courtney eats the weirdest combination of food
a) Dairy free cheese and ketchup sandwich
b) M'n'm, peanut butter and marmalade
c) Ice cream and French fries
14. My wife is very hormonal, more so than any other person I have ever met, so one second she will be laughing at my jokes, then crying about her gloves on the wrong hands, to yelling at me for stealing her fries off her plate. So to sum it up, be prepared for any mood swing she might have.
15. When she is in one of her angry moods, do not go near her, do not talk to her, don't even breathe the wrong way. She might kill you.
a) If you do break this rule, run for your god damn life
b) Try to make a bunker, this will be useful next time she's mad
c) Even when she is calm, don't try to argue with her...it does not end well
d) Offering her chocolate, will calm her down
16. Courtney is extremely strong when she is in one of her moods, don't ask how I know
17. We need a bigger house, apparently the one we have is not big enough and not close enough to good schools
18. When going for an ultrasound, do not joke that you can't see the baby.
a) When the doctor points it out to you, don't joke it looks like a peanut
19. Courtney is really greedy when it comes to food, then, 10 minutes later, she will chuck it back up
a) Helping Courtney out by holding her hair will score you some points later on
20. When talking about names, do not make stupid suggestions...I don't know why she thinks Rogue is such a stupid name for a girl
a) In retrospect, saying Charlotte is a stupid name for a girl does not end well for you
21. Do not, under any circumstance, say she is fat. She will sit on you, and let me tell you, it hurts!
22. Courtney needs to pee...a lot, so she does not find it funny if you lock the bathroom door, she will break it down.
23. Courtney likes to arrange things far in advance, so she already knows the school, high school, college and anything else for the kid. Including the sex of the baby, so she can decorate the room accordingly
24. Do not say it is weird to have classical music blaring at her stomach, apparently it will make the baby smarter
25. When Courtney is in the mood for sex, do it! You don't know the next time she might like to (knowing her, I won't be able to after this is all over)
26 Asking if she is having twins, and you know she isn't, will end in pain
a) Also, asking if her ankles will get smaller will also end in pain
27. Pretending to fall over due to her weight is not an option
28. If, for any reason, Courtney wants to go to the doctor. The reasons might be as stupid as
a) The baby kicked her funny
b) He hasn't moved for an hour
c) She is having those fake contractions
d) She's throwing up to much
29. Those fake contractions, even though they aren't real, do hurt!
30. When coming across one of the other TDA contestants in the doctor's office (how was I supposed to know that Gwen lived in the same area as us, let alone was pregnant at the same time) automatically tell Courtney that she looks better than her.
31. Having her mother over does not help the situation at all
32. My child will be half evil, how do I know this, well, why do I have to explain? It's COURTNEY!
33. My kid can kick really hard!
a) Courtney gets very upset when the baby kicks her all night, so try to keep her relaxed or she will kick you and ask you how it feels
34. It is not funny at all when people ask if my wife is pregnant and I reply with "No, she's just fat"
35. Getting Bridgette to throw her a baby shower was a pretty good idea as
a) Got Courtney to calm down for awhile
b) Saw a bunch of friends
c) Knows that it can't be that bad since she gets free presents
d) I got rid of her for a few hours
36. Letting Bridgette calm her down when Courtney worries about what to do is a good idea
a) As Bridgette already has 2 kids and she can handle it
b) Geoff can handle it (thanks god, if he can do it, I can)
c) Bridgette does baby yoga
d) Bridgette told her it doesn't hurt that much…if you have the drugs
37. Courtney is never late for anything, so she gets very moody if her own child is late to be born
38. Sex helps if you want to get the kid to come out of her, I found this a positive for me, as angry sex is good and who knows when she will let me touch her again
39. Go to the hospital immediately when her water breaks, we do not have ages to get there
40. Have everything ready for when the baby comes, as Courtney does not find it funny if you don't know where the bag is
41. Labour takes hours and hours, and I have to be there the whole time, seeing how this is my fault
42. Don't ask her how much it hurts, as she will show you
43. Do not, for the love of god, let her hold your hand when the contractions start to get closer…I'm pretty sure I need a cast
44. GIVE HER THE GOD DAMN DRUGS!
45. Courtney can scream really loud, also she knows a hell of a lot of swear words
46. I will most likely be the favourite parent as some of the choice words that Courtney described "This daemon spawn" will not win her any fans
47. No matter what Courtney says, she loves me, and doesn't mean when she says
a) That she wants to kill me
b) That she will neuter me
c) That she will never let me touch her again
d) That this is all my fault (it partly is, but mostly it's her)
48. When asking what the baby looks like, do not say it looks gross
49. Give her the baby when she asks for it
50. Even though Courtney being pregnant makes her evil, manipulative, sick, controlling, emotional, annoying, bitchy, high maintenance (what a second, was she like this before?) the second she holds onto her first born child, all those feeling are gone….well, dimmed down a little, but I still love her.
I wrote this list the day my son was born, So there it is, a list of what to do next time Courtney gets pregnant, my first child we decided to call Daniel Malcolm Reed, I love him and so does Courtney, and a year and a half later we are back on track, she has her job and I have mine but we always make time for Dan. I will most likely need this list again, as Courtney has just come stomping through the door with a stick in hand with a little plus sign on it.
It was nice writing this, I hope I'm still alive after this baby.
this is basically what happens after my other two parts to this, and before my series i made up called "Total drama: Generation" and Dan, 17, is one of the 3 kids that Courtney and Duncan have, they also have two daughters Charlotte, 16, and Angel, 12, please read this other series, it's funny, smart and only has one crach pairing! so nothing random like Cody and Noah, casue let me tell you...they ain't gay...but i do have one gay contestant, Mark. 16.
so review and get your own hormonal Courtney free of charge