Princess Peach skipped to her writing desk like a fairy godfather, furious that Mario kept ignoring her letters. She put a welding mask over her face and laid a stone tablet in front of her. She grabbed a military grade torch and started burning a message through the rock.

"deer melioo u litl poop ceep ign uring mi tektd i dont liek u viry mucc com eet cayk"

"Perfect!" she thought. She stood up and spotted Mario snorting dandelions outside. She threw the tablet out the window, and started screaming the lyrics to Last Christmas.

"You-a hurt Mario's head," he complained as he drew a rocket launcher and aimed at the window.

"Crap. wHeRe Do YoU gEt ThOsE tHiNgS?!"

"Wario dumps them on my lawn ya noob."

He fired some missiles before texting Daisy.

"Can't miss this hot new date," he said.

"yer WUT?!"

There was a loud explosion when the missiles struck. Mario laughed and entered his car. "So long, fruit woman!" he shouted as he drove away.

"I'll get that hedgehog!" she screamed. "If Mario doesn't want me, maybe Beezer will!" she thought. She reached for her Samsung Galaxy 9 X Ultra Deluxe©®™, and called Bowser.

"Yeeeeesssss?" he answered.

"GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW AND MARRY ME!11!" she screamed into the speaker.

"Okee dokee…"

Bowser's car slammed into the castle door. He jumped out with an enormous ring. "wHeRe ArE yOu WoMaN?!"

"No need to shout, no need to yell," she said in Michael Rosen's voice as she opened the door, shoving the car aside.

"wuw u stoeng :D" he admired. "hodk mi beeer."

He strolled over to the grass and plucked a grass blade.

"anret i the stongist giy evtr?!"

"No me."

She took the ring from Bowser and swallowed it.

"Thanks for the generous DoNaTiOn…"

"wuduhecc"

"I'm better than you, Beerzer."

"awwww I liek tat nem!¡!"

"Good. Now kiss me."

Bowser accidentally ate Peach in the process.

"woopy doo doo hay i wunder wutd on kartuun nitwurk"

"Great," Peach groaned. "Now I'm stuck inside Beezer's gizzard. Mario save me¡"

"Let'sa gooooOoOoo"

"Mario?"

"You wanted me to-a save you, right?"

"It's kind of something I say on autopilot."

"Crap."

"I hope you forget about your date…"

"Oh-a!" Mario exclaimed. "Thanks for-a reminding me!"

"Wait, what?!"

Mario leaped up and out of Bowser's mouth and rushed away.

"Guess I'll be here awhile…" Peach sighed.

"Petch news! PETCH NEWS! COME AND GET IT! TURTLE SWALLOWS PRINCESS!"

"There's a town crier in here?!" Peach asked the toad.

"What? You act surprised."

"In Beezer's stomach?"

"Sounds fine to me. NOW GIMME YOUR MUNNIES!¡!"

"What if I have no munnies?"

"o."

Peach grabbed a werewolf from her back pocket and fed it a Hot Pocket. "Go eat Beezer."

"No u," it replied.

"No Wii U," she countered.

"Oh fine. I'll eat Beezer," it said. It leaped for the toad and ate him in one gulp.

"Why did you just…?" Princess Peach gasped.

"You wanted me to eat Beezer," the werewolf responded. "That was the toad's name."

"Oh. Well, could you eat the other Beezer?"

"No… u…"

"That gets annoying."

"No u…"

Mario pulled his car up Daisy's driveway by a rope. "COME DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!11!1" he screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Why?" she asked. "I'm watching THE GREATEST GEI LOOEEGY MOMENTS 2018, and don't feel like joining you."

"I have a rocket launcher, though."

"oKAY I'M COMING!111!1!11 fOR KOOPA'S SAKE1111111!"

"Yayayayayayyayayayayayaya"

"Please don't spam. Girls don't like that."

"No u."

Daisy picked up Mario's car and ran down the street.

"You-a impress Mario!"

"You want me to impress you? Watch THIS!"

She started screaming at the top of her lungs.

"My-a ears hurt!" Mario complained as he jumped from the car. "I'm-a go find another date…"

"WAIT! I HAVEN'T EVEN SHOWN YOU MY TRUE FORM!"

But Mario was long gone.

"Hwos everryting gowign downm thetre pecheers?!" Bowser asked.

"Swell, just swell. ._."

"awwsumeirs"

"Could you maybe cough me up or something?"

"Idk leklt mi eet somefign reely growss."

"Uuuuuh, I'm sure there are easier solution- Gah! Why is it raining spiders?"

"tis int growss enuff."

"Nonono, it is! It is!"

"nut fer mee!"

Slime joins the spider flood.

"I'm not even going to ask…"

"Itz ur munms cuuking!"

"No."

"Oh hey, these spiders aren't half bad," the werewolf remarked.

"What."

"Owk mee stumik dont fewl gud"

"Freedom?" Peach hoped.

"wuuuuuuuuuu"

Bowser coughed up the two as well as several thousand others.

"arint i da bist?"

"No me."

"Oh hey Luigi!" Mario intruded. "Want to play Pocket Munsters?"

"Pocket what?"

"Pocket Munsters! You know, the game where you play as the Munsters inside some hobo's pocket?"

"Never heard of it."

"Figures. You never do anything, anyway."

"Mario?"

"Yeah?"

"Why is Count Bleck hauling a giant cart full of Cheetos?"