Disclaimer: Eyeshield21 and its characters do not belong to me

A/N: This is an AU, and it's me on crack. You have been warned.

Fairy Tale, Scary Tale

Chapter 1

~ Once Upon A Time… ~

"Oi, what do princesses do when they're kidnapped?" Agon grumbled as he moodily sharpened his knives. His twin brother and accomplice-in-crime pondered this.

BLAM BLAM BLAM

"Sit quietly, stare longingly out of the window and wait for the prince on a white horse to come save her?" Unsui suggested and Agon grunted his assent. "That's fuckin' correct. That's what princesses are supposed to do, that."

BLAM-BLAM-BLAM –CRASH!

"They're supposed to sing too," Unsui continued brightly. "Or cry, whichever comes first."

"LET ME OUT YOU BARBARIANS! LET ME OUT! ARGH!"

"We had princes on white horses yesterday," Agon absently remarked. "Purebreed Arabians. The horses, I mean. There was this fuckin' four-eyes demanding we let her go, and there was this muscleheaded idiot who tried to ram his horse into the tower."

"Poor horse. Purebreed, you said?"

"AGON YOU BASTARD, OPEN-THIS-DOOR!"

"…"

"…"

"…How much longer are we supposed to wait?" Unsui asked after a lengthy pause. His eyes were turned heavenwards, clearly agitated by the non-stop banging and crashing and shouting coming from above. The neighbors might complain, being dinosaur breeders. Their dinosaurs are a touchy bunch, they are. Once the owners came over complaining that the smell of Agon's unwashed laundry was upsetting their precious dinosaurs, giving them stomach cramps. Unsui wondered if the cause of the cramps was because some of said laundry actually made it into their delicate digestive system, but he was too polite to ask.

"Those white princes might come again today." Unsui suggested and Agon seemed to cheer up at this. Unsui continued in a faraway tone; "I heard them talking about 'ballista'. Maybe we'll get to experience it ourselves?"

"Dumbass! We're supposed to find out about their secret weapons, not be on the receiving end of it!" Agon barked. Seriously, his twin can be rather daft. But then again, it was Unsui who suggested the idea of kidnapping the two countries' princesses. Both the Ojyou and Deimon treasure their princesses, he said. If we do it right, we'd be able to find out their secret weapons before the annual tournament. Plus, I know Hiruma. He won't dare to let anything happen to his precious Mamori.

"Speaking of which, she's been quiet for five minutes." Agon got up. "Now's probably a good time to re-negotiate."

He ascended the tight spiral steps and came to a door. While one would consider a heavy bolted wooden door sufficient to trap hapless princesses, Agon went ahead and installed a state-of-the-art reinforced steel door with electronic locks. And of course, the traditional big 'ol padlock. He grinned through the five-inch thick safety glass. Behind it, a pair of flashing blue eyes glowered back. "Let me out!" She shouted shrilly, her voice carrying through the wall. "We've been stuck here for four days!"

"Well blame your princes for not being smart enough to come for ya," Agon replied idly, noting that the other small girl was placidly sitting near the window with a mournful expression. Now that's more like it. "Though they did come for heryesterday. Can't say they were too bright though."

"Once Hiruma gets his hands on you…"

"Oh I'm sure he'd be dying to flay me alive and feed me to the dogs!" Agon cackled and turned his back only to hear her shout; "Wait!"

"Well? Are we negotiating?" Agon grinned. "Tell me what are his strategies for the coming tournament and I'll let both of you go. Dragon's promise."

"That doesn't sound promising at all!" She snorted and sighed in defeat. "If I'm to be locked up here, can't you at least give me a creampuff a day? Gruel is awfully bland, you know."

Agon was about to say something when he heard Unsui call him frantically. "Agon!"

"What?"

"He's here!"

"Geh!" Agon flew down the stairs and peeked through the eyeslot in the door (also reinforced steel). Sure enough, just beyond the meadow, a bright red flag with the devilbat emblem could be seen waving sinisterly in the wind. Agon cackled. "So how does he plan to get his princess back? Hm?" He noticed another encampment a little to the left, partially hidden by the woods. "Well well well… those idiot knights on white chargers are here too. Are they co-operating for once?"

"Maybe we should wave the white flag while we still can." Unsui nervously suggested while looking through a set of high-powered binoculars. "Hiruma looks pretty pissed from here."

"Aaah that's his usual 'screw-you' expression." Agon grinned. "What's he going to do? Starve us?"

There was suddenly the high-pitched whine of a megaphone, and then the familiar demonic laugh of one Hiruma Youichi rang in the air. "YAAAA-HA~! Listen up, fuckers!"

"Like we can avoid it." Unsui muttered.

"Hand over the fuckin' creampuff-monster and that little mouse! You got one minute to give your answer before I blow your asses to kingdom come!"

"I am not a creampuff-monster!" Anezaki Mamori could be heard above the din. All they got from Wakana was a mournful sigh.

"Agon, I seriously feel we should return those girls and find another way to get info." Unsui was beginning to feel a coiling sensation in the pit of his stomach. It was like something was slowly but surely cramping his insides, and he didn't like it one bit.

"No way. That fuckin' demon came all the way here, it means he's willing to negotiate. This is better than I thought!" Agon was hooting with self-confidence.

Meanwhile, across the field, Hiruma stalked over to the Ojyou encampment. He screwed his nose up at the lavish tents, the banners and the many squires scurrying around. Wasted resources, all of them."Fucking four-eyes!"

Out of the biggest tent, Takami emerged. Hiruma had to hand it to him; his little squires sure know how to polish armor. "Are you ready?" Hiruma barked and Takami sighed. "We've been ready for the longest time. But again I ask you; are you positive that this method won't hurt Wakana?"

Hiruma grinned his insane grin. "Don't be silly. The fucking creampuff-monster didn't even complain when she was almost crushed by a toppling tower."

Takami sweat-dropped. "Are you crazy? She's your princess! Haven't you heard of protection and all that?"

"Protection? You should see her with a broom." Hiruma was already walking away, scratching his head. "Scares my minions shitless. Anyway, when I give the signal you fire the damn thing."

"Wait!" Takami carefully pushed his glasses up his nose. "I'll have to say that your princess is just as steely as the rest of you, but Wakana isn't. If a single hair on her head is harmed - "

"Are you doubting my strategy?" Hiruma's fangs were bared in a challenging grin and Takami scowled slightly. To be sure, Hiruma's strategies were out-of-this-world – but they work. For that and that reason only, Takami was willing to play along.

Then again, he supposed that it was his fault that this whole mess came about.