(Background. I wrote this as a satirical piece. Anyway, the date is 2ABY, and this is an imperial pamphlet on the Rebellion.)
The Truth About the Rebellion
A shocking exposè on our foes.
Introduction – The Lies
Perhaps you have heard their agents whisper into your ear treasonous information. Perhaps you have seen their propaganda posters proclaiming the noble Emperor a tyrant. Perhaps you have stumbled across their meetings…
Foolish people call these men liberators. The wise, however, understand that these are bandits who seek to take us away from our glorious New Order. They will stop at nothing, even if their depraved quest means destroying thousands of innocent Stormtroopers. No. They are brutes. Savages! Emperor Palpatine has worked so hard for us to live in freedom in prosperity, and yet these brigands are determined to undermine him.
However, in order to defeat the enemy, you must know thy enemy. These rebels may be primitive brutes, but they are armed, numerous, and somewhat organized. From their twisted ideology to their head goons, here is the REAL information regarding the "restore the republic" movement.
Myths About the Rebels & Empire
Before we get started, it is important to first identify and debunk the various lies they spread. They are too numerous to catalog all of them, but below are the main ones. If you find yourself still believing these lies after reading this list, please contact the Imperial Inquisition so that they may help you rid yourself of the falsehoods.
*Myth: The Rebels have widespread support across the galaxy. Do not watch their propaganda videos, their supporters do not count. True Imperials hate them and see them as the scum they are, and only their opinions matter.
*Myth:The Rebels are fighting for freedom and democracy: Yes, they might be fighting for democracy mob rule, but it ends there. The members' goals vary, but they usually involve money, brainwashed ideals, or Jedi-worship.
*Myth: Emperor Palpatine is a megalomaniacal tyrant. Palpatine has reassured us time and time again that this is false and that he is a selfless, caring man who always acts with the best interest of his people in heart.
*Myth: The Empire destroyed a planet full of unarmed humans who merely happened to share Leia's homeworld. Alderaan shot first, and the Deathstar fired in self-defense.
*Myth: The Empire rules through fear and terror: Any Imperial Citizen who values his family's safety can reassure you of that statement's falsehood.
*Myth: The Rebellion is gaining momentum: despite their oft-touted destruction of the Deathstar, (which took the lives of thousands of innocent imperials!) our forces have them on the run and are hunting out their various hideouts.
*Myth: The Rebellion will triumph: These thugs might be armed, and fight might not be easy, but rest assured, His Majesty has a plan, and the rebel scum will be defeated.
The Types of Rebels.
They may be scum, but not all scum are alike. Here are some of the types of rebels which plague civilization.
*Ordinary Thugs: These hooligans probably make up at least half of the rebels. Simple-minded pond scum, they are mostly in it for the money and are unable to conceptualize anything more abstract than a paycheck. Sometimes, they may be trained to spout ideological garbage, but a true Imperial sees through this façade and reports the traitor to the police.
*Sheeple: Unfortunately, the Rebellion's propaganda campaign attracts many of the Galaxy's simple-minded. They are even lower than the ordinary thugs, since they not only spout, but actually, truly believe Rebel lies such as that Alderaan was full of innocent people and that the Empire is not the pinnacle of all that is just in the universe. Like the ordinary thugs, scum like these "people" has no place in the civilized world.
*The Jedi Worshipper: Although our dear Emperor rid us of the cult-like Jedi Council years ago, many simpletons still worship these magicians as deities. These cultists deny "worship" but a true Imperial can see through that flimsy lie. They've been known to kill Nerfs, Tauntauns, and small children as offerings. If the Rebels succeed, they will also sacrifice YOUR BABIES to their gods!
*Idealists: Whenever a new, better ideology replaces an older one, there always a few die-hards who refuse to accept the truth. This is exactly what happened when Palpatine swept away the corrupt Republic. So called "intellectuals" never accepted this new rule of law, and devoted themselves to destroying it and restoring their twisted vision. They'll even lie and twist the facts to win followers, something the Empire would never do!
*Alien and alien lovers: It is a well-accepted fact that Humans are the master race of the Galaxy, chosen by destiny to lead and control the lesser groups. Primitive aliens like the Mon Calamari squid-men know this is true, but refuse to accept it. At the same time, there are humans who love Wookies more than their own race, and seek to promote xeno semi-sentients over mankind. These two groups combine into one in the insidious Anti-Establishment Insurgency. Unless you want your human women to be ravaged by these alien brutes, you must stop the xeno and xeno lover alike.
*The masters: Just as the Empire is built around a core (our Emperor) of righteousness, the Rebel Alliance has at its heart nothing but treachery and ambition. The masters of the whole scheme – the leaders – know their wickedness, but do not care nor admit it.
Their Leaders
These are the known devious leaders of this insurrection. However, the list of key members is not limited to this: The Alliance is a shadowy, secretive organization that rarely fights honorably and shows the faces of its commander.
*Mon Mothma: This hag is the head-honcho of the entire evil organization. Every negative adjective that exists (or doesn't exist) can be applied to her: Evil, stupid, cunning, ugly, slutty, prude, mean, cruel, sinister, radical, aloof, naïve, demonic, doodoo head etc. She will stop at nothing to rule the galaxy. On her spare time, she kicks puppies. Kill on sight.
*Admiral Ackbar: Recruited by the various alien-lovers, this brutish squid-man is responsible for making the Alliance's ugly and notoriously flimsy star cruisers. (Do not believe the "they are more durable than a Star Destroyer" lie.) He is a moron, a coward, a brute, and will run into obvious trap strategies ("It's a Trap!") On his spare time, he tentacle-rapes puppies. Kill on sight.
*Leia Organa: After being incinerated when her Tantive IV was hit by an asteroid, she mysteriously un-died via Jedi juju (which doesn't exist) and returned to her devious plans. She was responsible for the secret Alderaan superweapon, which fired FIRST on the innocent Imperial DS. Class station. On her spare time, she throws kittens into roaring fires. Kill on sight, and keep shooting so she doesn't have a chance to come back. NOTE: May or may not be a vampire. Seen sparkling in the sunlight.
*Han Solo: A smuggler of weak moral character, he was a scoundrel long before he became involved with the Rebels. It is he conned an innocent man out of an entire starship and made it his primary transportation system. As is common, he became even more corrupt after contacting the Rebel Alliance, He killed several Stormtroopers in cold blood and then took part in the mass murder of Imperial officials, patriots and intellectuals above the moon Yavin 4. He is armed and dangerous, and has a pet Wookie, Chewbacca, who is known to tear people apart limb by limb. Kill on sight, take whatever money he has on him, and do society a favor by using it to help repay the countless people to whom he owed money.
*Some dirty-blonde kid: For reasons of security, this character is not to be referred to by actual name, and little information is given. If you see him holding some sort of glowing sticklike weapon, a laserblade if you will, you are to stay at a distance and call Imperial Police immediately. He is wanted for collaborating with the Rebels, preaching about the NON-EXISTENT Force which DOESN'T EXIST, and traffic violations.
A Brief History of the Struggle.
The Rebellion's origins lie in the murk and filth of Imperial Center's slums and former Senate chambers. When Our Emperor swept away the corrupt bureaucracy and political machinery, many former power-brokers in the Republic became resentful. They did not like seeing their flow of bribes dry up or their ability to influence the galaxy to serve their twisted ideologies shrivel away.
As reform piled upon reform, act of justice upon act of justice, these curs' hatred grew and grew until they decided to act. Claiming to be "liberators" and that the Emperor was a self-serving "tyrant," They formed the so-called "Alliance to Restore the Republic" and declared war on the galaxy, on mankind, and on all that is civilized and just. They began to fabricate Imperial "atrocities," and hero-worshiped traitorous thugs who were justly shot as "peaceful demonstrators" or as "Bystanders." Shortly after, they began their destruction, ambushing patrols of Stormtroopers and firebombing key commercial areas.
Facing such a dark and destabilizing menace, Palpatine had no choice but to extinguish the threat once and for all. Through his iron fist, he struck at the known and possible Rebels whenever he could with his brave Stormtroopers and his trusted avatar of Justice, Lord Vader. Galactic citizens rushed to enlist and fight the Rebel menace, and the brigands were put on the run.
During one such raid, the heroes of the Empire captured the revived and deceitful as ever Rebel leader, "Princess" Leia Organa. Aboard the Death Star, Grand Moff Tarkin, the intellectual father-figure visionary of the New Order, attempted to reason with the wench and show her her error. The Rebel scum, however, cannot be reasoned with, and during the lecture, Leia secretly used a smuggled remote to send a signal to her lackeys on her home planet (which the Death Star was orbiting BY COINCIDENCE) to fire a giant, moon-destroying laser. This beam barely missed the Death Star, and Tarkin was given no choice but to retaliate. In addition, the few loyal Imperials on the planet transmitted a message to Tarkin, begging him to destroy the planet and kill them all for their collective treason. With all of this, he sprung into action, sent Leia to solitary confinement, and fired the Death Star's own laser, destroying the traitor world.
However, at that point, the traitorous Jedi Obi Wan Kenobi, along with several of his insane cultists, infiltrated the station, freed the witch, killed numerous innocent crew members, erased all records of the loyal Imperials begging for redemption via death, and made off in their getaway ship. Following this, the Alliance declared the destruction of Alderaan a "massacre," conveniently ignoring the facts about what really happened.
As the Death Star crew was tending to its wounded and preparing to bring justice to the Rebel headquarters, (which they had located due to Rebel "intelligence" shortcomings) legions of the Insurgency's infamous "X wings," (See below for more info) swarmed the battle station. The brave Imperials on board began to repel these invaders: The station was designed to handle giant fleets of Rebel Scum starships, let alone puny fighters. However, an unknown rebel traitor on board the Death Star leaked key information about the station's design. Using the info, a group of X-wings split off from the main group and fired hundreds of proton torpedoes at the (Classified.) That is how low the Rebels stooped, using stolen information to their advantage! By pure chance, two of these torpedoes managed to find their way to the station's reactor (Imperial statisticians put the odds of that at 1 in 100000000.00023) and triggered an explosion that killed numerous figures including brave veterans who had helped stabilize the Galaxy, stormtroopers, and the father-like visionary himself Tarkin.
When word of the atrocity reached the Emperor, he was struck at the barbarity and ruthlessness of these brigands. Across the galaxy, trillions of Imperial citizens wept at the news, crying in despair. Meanwhile, the Rebels returned to their home base for a drunken, debased victory carnival where they let their alien members rape human women, sent messages to other planets encouraging them to rise up and cause further instability, boasted to each other that they had won via valor and "the Force," (Ha!) and sacrificed little toddlers to their Jedi gods.
However, little did they realize that while they may have destroyed the Death Star, they had not destroyed the Empire's resolve and spirit! As they continued in their hedonistic celebrations, the Lord Vader, the Empire's paladin of justice, showed up with his fleet to avenge the fallen patriots on the Death Star. Numerous, Rebel soldiers were killed while they were still drunk, and the head honchos of the organization panicked and fled. Mon Mothma, who at the time was pole-dancing and simultaneously shooting tied up prisoners, barely escaped the fist of justice, and the Rebels were scattered from their jungle hideout on Yavin IV.
As of now, the Empire, with Vader bravely leading from the front, is hunting down the Insurgent leaders and foiling their plans whenever he sees them.
Rebel Equipment, Units, and Vehicles
In space, watch for these…
*Mon Calmari Cruiser: These are the backbone of the rebel scum star fleet. They're ugly, bubble-like forms are a sign of how stupid their squid builders are. Compare it to the noble straight lines of an Imperial Starship! They have the firepower of about 3 TIE bombers and can be brought down with two ion bombs.
*X-wing: A traitorous company decided to sell the plans of a new starfighter to the rebellion simply because the Empire nationalized it! While rebels constantly tout it as the ship that brought down the Death Star, it is nothing compared to the Imperial TIE fighter. To placate the greedy thug pilots, the Rebels use the credits they steal from honest Imperials to install frivolous luxuries such as shield generators, something Imperial pilots would never be greedy enough to ask for! In addition, the devious technicians place modified Astromech droids who cybernetically link to the pilot's brain and continuously brainwashes him with Rebel propaganda.
*Y-wing: These are heavier ships used by the anti-establishment insurgency. These outdated pieces of junk have slightly more armor, but move extremely slowly. Like the X-Wings, they have a droid who is supposedly there to help the pilot navigate but in reality cybernetically converts the pilot into a mindless slave to the Alliance. You see, unlike the Empire, the Anti-Establishment Insurgency leaders do not really care about the wellbeing of their subordinates.
Ground forces
*The Agent: These are some of the most dangerous Rebels. They pretend to be loyal Imperials, but they secretly sabotage the Empire, spread lies, or otherwise serve the Rebellion. If enough of these agents are allowed to operate for too long on your planet, it could bring untold destruction. To detect and root them out early, you must notice and report suspicious-looking individuals. Also, pay extra attention to aliens. In particular, one alien race, the dog-faced Bothans, consists almost entirely of rebel spies.
*Soldiers: Should the agents be allowed to fester for too long, armed thugs may soon appear as well. The Rebels call these "soldiers," but they are really nothing compared to the training, discipline, and courage of a stormtrooper. Often nothing more than escaped prisoners, they are still armed and dangerous. To practice their aim, they shoot nearby civilians. Do not stand by if you see them, but report them to Imperial forces immediately.
*Tanks: The Rebels have no one standard tank, but instead rely on a mixture of second-hand military vehicles and modified civilian vehicles, ranging from the poorly-armored AAC1 military landspeeder to the cumbersome TB4 heavy tank. Either way, while they are nothing compared to the mighty AT-AT and TX-130T, the presence of a Rebel tank is a sign of how great the Rebel infestation is.
Fighting the Rebels: How You Can Help Defend Civilization as We Know It.
While this is not meant to imply that the Empire isn't strong enough to defeat the rebel scum without you, we would appreciate the help of you, the upstanding imperial citizen, to defeat this insurrection. Here are some ways you can help:
*Report suspicious-looking people to the police so they can be arrested and executed for their crimes. Remember, some of them may be rebels!
*If you are piloting a starship and spot a rebel cruiser, fly your ship towards it at full speed for a head on collision. While we encourage imperial martyrdom, you do not necessarily have to die. If you wish to live on to serve the Emperor, open a window, let the vacuum of space suck you out, hold your breath, and make swimming motions to the nearest planet. That way, the extra mass of the un-launched escape pod can further damage the rebel ship.
*Enlist to become an Imperial Stormtrooper. The Empire cares about each and every one of her defenders and goes to every length to ensure their safety
-Shoot accurately.
*Should the rebels force the Empire to occupy your planet, find the commanding officer immediately and present this pamphlet to them with your signature. This way, the punishment for your collective guilt of treason will be minimized greatly, and you can be fairly confident that the kessel mines will not be your future.
Glory to the Empire. Death to the Rebel.