How do you pick yourself up when the future you have dreamed about slips through your fingers over and over despite your desperate tries to hold on?

Hanabi struggles to answer that question when her dream of becoming a mother grows fainter with every miscarriage her and Konohamaru suffer through.

…

A/N: Trigger! As can be seen in the summary, this fic will explore mature themes such as repeated miscarriage/pregnancy loss which may be triggering for some. Other mature themes such as descriptions of injury and smut will also be included.

If this isn't your cup of tea, please stop reading now, if it is, please let me know what you thought! :)

Many thanks to my wonderful Beta Readers iBloo and Spacerune! This fic has been in the making for more than six months, and without your never-ending patience and encouragement, it would never have seen the light of day. Love you, girls!

Hanabi snuck into the bathroom as soon as he sat down on the couch. It was clear as day that he was exhausted, and she wanted to hear all about the mission, but later. Right now she had something more important to do. When the two blue stripes appeared, she covered her mouth with her hand and took a few deep breaths, it was all she could do to not give everything away right there and then.

Leaving the bathroom and walking over to him, as much as she tried she couldn't completely stop the smile from betraying her. Konohamaru looked up and had barely opened his mouth to ask what she was grinning about when she held the stick up in the air, practically waving it in his face.

Hanabi saw him frown in confusion for a moment before his eyes widened, and he looked up at her in shock, "Is this what I think it is?"

She raised an eyebrow, rolling her eyes; he always had to confirm everything verbally. "Well, it's not a lollipop, if that's what you're asking," she teased and giggled when she saw the exasperated look he gave her.

"Haha, hilarious," he retorted and pinched the tissue-wrapped test from her with his fingertips and dropping it on the floor before pulling her down on his lap, all exasperation lost when she kissed him.

"Yes, it is exactly what you think it is. You, Mr Sarutobi, are going to be a dad," Hanabi laughed. The look on his face was priceless. She almost wished she would have thought of grabbing a camera.

"But, how? I, uh—-I mean, I know how, but how long have you known?" he asked, trying to get a grasp of the situation.

"I was starting to suspect it before you left but wanted to be more certain before I said something. I only took the test a minute ago though; I didn't want to confirm anything until you were home again," she explained and had to bite her lip at his face. Konohamaru was one of those guys who completely lacked any kind of poker face, whatsoever, and the emotions he showcased right now only made her love him more. There was excitement, ecstatic joy, and a good portion of nervousness mixed in too.

"I'm going to be a dad," he muttered, clearly trying to process this new information by voicing it out loud, then looked up at her with a grin from ear to ear, "And you're going to be a mum!"

…

The next couple of weeks went by faster than Hanabi could imagine. They agreed not to tell anyone until the traditional twelve weeks had passed. She could see that Konohamaru was disappointed. He most likely wanted to tell everybody straight away, but he wasn't about to deny her wish.

Hanabi was pretty sure she could have asked for the moon and he would have found a way to give it to her.

The only ones they told were Sakura, as he insisted that she went to see her straight away, and Naruto, as he was adamant she was not allowed out in the field on active duty. She got a little bit peeved about that but could see the sense in what he was saying. Female shinobi were, as a rule, relieved of field duty when carrying. Besides, she had been taking on less and fewer missions anyhow since stepping up and taking over after her dad as Clan leader.

There were endless talks about the new addition to their little family. Ponderings and speculations, who was it going to take after? Would it be a boy or a girl? What names would suit?

She was tiring quite quickly, but his excitement was contagious.

She didn't feel much morning-sickness, or any other the symptoms at all and considered herself lucky. She went to see Sakura and got confirmed that everything was as it should. They found out that she was roughly eight weeks pregnant, and listened to the heartbeat. Hanabi rolled her eyes when she heard Konohamaru sucking in a sniffling breath beside her and teased him about being overly emotional about it. She would deny to the day that she died, that his eyes weren't the only ones wet.

…

About a month later, well and truly into her eleventh week, Hanabi came down with a cold. It started with a temperature in the afternoon that soon turned into the chills. Konohamaru suggested that she should take a nap and tried to make her as comfortable as possible before he turned off the lights and stepped out of the room to finish some paperwork.

Okay, so he could be a bit overprotective, but she knew that it came from a good place and it was really sweet. Plus, the fever was making her tired.

Closing her eyes, she soon drifted off to sleep.

First, she couldn't tell what had woken her up. She still felt cold though, despite the thick blankets, and a quick glance at the clock told her at it was well past midnight. She had slept the whole day! Sure, the pregnancy was making her sleepy, but this was ridiculous.

Then she noticed a dull cramp in her lower stomach.

Laying still for a little while, listening to the light snoring next to her signalling that her husband had indeed snuck into bed at some point, Hanabi wished that the cramps would go away so that she could go back to sleep. When the cramping increased rather than subsiding, she decided to get up, perhaps some tea would make her feel a bit better.

Hanabi had barely gotten out of bed when the cramping in her stomach turned into sharp stabbing pains, strong enough to make her double over and gasp for air. She realised, in horror, that she felt something wet between her legs, first a small trickle, but soon her shorts were soaked in blood, covering her thighs and dripping down on the floor.

She cried out, rousing Konohamaru from his sleep and making him jump out of bed when he found her crouched on the floor.

"Hanabi! Talk to me, what's wrong?" he asked, kneeling beside her.

It's the baby. Something is wrong with our baby, I can feel it.

"I-I don't know. My stomach hurts and I'm bleeding, a lot."

Noticing all the blood, he swallowed, steeling his voice. "I'm taking you to the hospital, right now." he decided. She could clearly hear the panic underneath the blanket of calmness he had clad himself in as he scooped her up in his arms.

Within moments they arrived at the entrance to the hospital. She heard him scream for help, stirring a ray of activity in the sleepy halls. A bunch of people arrived, and a doctor was paged as she was asked questions and being put on a stretcher and wheeled down the hall. A nurse asked him to stay in the waiting room and first, he refused but Hanabi squeezed his hand and gave him a quick nod.

As he was being pushed out of the door, she heard him frantically explain that she was pregnant, and a stillness settled in the room.

She heard him demand an explanation: why had they slowed down?!

Seeing the nurses looking at each other and then down on her in sympathy, she knew.

"I'm so sorry, Hanabi- san," one of them said. "You're losing the baby. Once the process has started, there is nothing we can do."

…

She stayed until the morning. The morphine they gave her helped against the stabbing cramps in her stomach and a numbness extending beyond her physical body settled.

Despite feeling exhausted, she couldn't sleep.

He stayed by her side, holding her hand through the night and smiling comfortingly, trying to wordlessly make her look at him.

She didn't though.

The same mantra went through her head, over and over and over.

Why did this happen? What could she have done differently? Was it her fault?

It must have been.

Perhaps he didn't blame her, but she sure did.

…

Life returned to normal oddly fast. Everybody moved through their daily lives as if hers hadn't been pulled out from underneath her feet and stopped ticking. She resumed her duties, as did he, and perhaps his awkward attempts to comfort her didn't completely remove the guilt she buried deep beneath, but his earnest, often ridiculous efforts to put a smile on her face slowly eased the pain a little.

One day at the time.

Still, Hanabi kept close track of the weeks passing by. Thinking of how big her belly would have been each week if she hadn't lost her child and counting down to the 'date.' Asking herself who it would have taken after and fantasizing about everything from personality to gender.

She fell pregnant again a few months later.

This time she felt extremely sick in the mornings. That's how she realised she was carrying again. She hoped this meant that things would be different since she hadn't had a day of morning sickness the last time.

It was harder to tell him this time, but by the way Konohamaru's eyes lit up with joy, and how he picked her up to do a little spin before quickly putting her down when she threatened to puke on him, she realised she had not needed to worry at all.

Hanabi made it to seven weeks before she lost the second one.

Konohamaru wasn't home.

She spent the night on the floor while the cramps clutched at her insides as she felt herself losing yet another small glimpse of a future she had begun to dare hope for. Unwilling to go to the hospital as they couldn't help her and dreading to call anyone to let them know that she had failed, again, she lay there, in agony, until morning came.

Hanabi couldn't make herself tell him over the phone, and as it turned out, she couldn't make herself tell him when he came home either. Konohamaru soon noticed that something wasn't quite right though, and when he pulled her in for a hug she broke down, crying hysterically.

The third time she had barely even realised she was pregnant before she lost it. Hanabi noted bitterly that it barely hurt this time, figuring it was either because she wasn't far gone, or that her body was adjusting to having miscarriages

How could she tell him? To find out that you were going to be a dad, and then not, within the same minute. How could she do that to him?

…

A year had gone by and with three failed pregnancies behind her, Hanabi felt hollow. Despite food tasting the same, she held little appetite. While people greeted her in the same way they always had, she felt no joy seeing even those she held close. She was the one that was changing, but only on the inside. Chipped away little at the time, Hanabi wondered how long she could keep going without losing her core self.

The doctors were telling her to keep trying. Since she fell pregnant it meant that neither of them was infertile. No shit, Shimura! Hanabi wanted to scream. And that the chances were high that she could eventually carry a child full term.

The second year Hanabi got more determined. They had sex at the right time each month, methodically, and soon she was pregnant again. Ordered bed-rest from day one, Hanabi took care of clan business from her bedroom. It was maddening to be locked inside her own home, but if it helped, if this was what she needed to do, then she would do it a thousand times over.

Hanabi made it more than halfway. Her stomach had begun to grow, and she found herself constantly caressing her bump. Knowing that on the inside her own little miracle was growing, was indescribable.

Once she had started showing, all the mums she knew began coming with advice and sharing their stories, one more terrifying than the other. Hanabi did not, need to know that Sakura's labour had taken thirty-eight hours, or that Temari went two weeks past her due date. However, she did appreciate when Hinata told her about the first kick she experienced carrying Boruto, and Hanabi called her sister, crying, when she felt her baby's first kick. She had heard the other mums complain about not being able to wear the clothes they used to when their bellies grew, but Hanabi could not be more excited the day she realised that she had to extend the obi strap on her hakama pants as she couldn't make the usual knot anymore.

With everything progressing normally, she managed to convince herself that it would continue that way.

She should have known better.

When she lost this one, something broke inside her.

Since she had made it so far, they counted the miscarriage as a stillborn, and she had to actually push out her own dead child.

They buried the little girl. Hanabi knew her name even before she was born.

Nozomi.

Hope.

Hanabi thought she was going insane. Endless ruminating clawing at her mind like a sick mantra focused on ruining, rather than healing. She lost count of the nights she cried herself to sleep, curled up in his arms while he stroked her hair, mumbling nothings. There really wasn't much he could say.

How can you miss something that never was?

How do you grieve smiles that never existed and laughter that was never heard?

How can you collect memories to treasure and cherish in the future when the past never happened?

How do you mourn emptiness?

The pain didn't go away, it just dulled over time.

Hinata had started spending more time with her. While Hanabi was grateful, seeing Boruto and Himawari come over to visit was a double-edged sword she kept cutting herself on. It was hard not to think about the first time she held them as newborns, and how she had watched them grow up. Boruto was a chunin now, and Himawari showed all the signs of becoming just as lovely a lady as her mother.

Her sister had had two beautiful children without any trouble, so why couldn't she?

Konohamaru struggled too. Despite never saying a word, she could see it in his eyes and in the way his lopsided grins had begun to take on a forced appearance. The constant grieving was tearing at him as well, and she wondered how much more they could both take.

The following four pregnancies went fast, as she lost them quickly, within a month, or two at the most.

During the third year, she felt her and Konohamaru glide apart. She saw it happening but didn't know how to stop it. He gritted his teeth whenever she tried to discuss it, keeping his thoughts to himself, and at some point, began to spend less and less time at home. Even when not on duty.

...

Hanabi knew that she was irrational. But knowing and acting are two entirely different things.

Konohamaru was leaving again, on another mission.

They had tried to have a baby for more than three years now. A total of ten failed pregnancies. Sometimes they made it almost half-way, and sometimes only a few weeks in, but always with the same result.

She was barren.

Well, it wasn't exactly true. Her womb was just not the best at doing its job. But when the end result was the same, who cared about technicalities?

She wasn't sure how much more she could take.

She, the leader of the esteemed Hyuuga Clan, couldn't carry a child to continue the clan.

The guilt was eating her alive and things between her and Konohamaru had deteriorated as well. Their fights had gotten worse and begun to come more and more frequently. She knew he was grieving too, and frustrated with how things were, but they couldn't seem to break out of the toxicity that had gathered between them.

They rarely slept together anymore.

Sex had become a chore that he shied away from, preferring to stay out and drink with his friends, or alone, rather than coming home to her. She knew that he didn't sleep well, he was constantly exhausted—even now she saw the dark circles underneath his eyes—and hungover.

Everything combined bred the nagging suspicion that he had begun seeing someone else instead, and the thought was growing ever thicker in her mind.

Most likely the cute blonde he had been teaming up with lately.

Despite trying to suppress the thought she felt like she was going to rot from the inside if she didn't get it out. It hurt, and somewhere, deep down in her most shameful self, she wanted him to hurt too.

"Are you sleeping with her?"

That got his attention. He paused halfway through zipping his vest and stared at her in disbelief. "I-what?"

"Please be honest," she asked, hating how beggingly the words came out. "Are you sleeping with her?" she repeated, and once the words had slipped out, all her doubts, fears, and guilt escaped-creating an avalanche she couldn't stop. "If you are, why don't you go and have a baby with her instead? We both know I'm the problem. It's my fault," she spat out bitterly, and the pain flashing by in his eyes at the low blow almost made her want to take it all back. But it was too late, the words hung in the air between them.

He sighed.

"Honestly, Hanabi. Do you hear yourself? None of this is your fault. And she has nothing to do with us. Gods, she's a kid. I don't even think she's turned twenty. Sure, she's a skilled nin, but we were teamed up so she could gather experience. That's all. You know this, right?"

It was true. She did know, but it didn't stop the hurt of rejection gnawing at that aching, empty spot inside. She wanted something, someone to blame.

"So why won't you come to me anymore?" she bit out through teeth gritted in a vain attempt to stop the shameful, treacherous tears from overflowing.

His shoulders sagged even as he walked over to her and took her in his arms.

Hanabi felt his chest rise and fall as he tried to gather whatever it was he wanted to say. "I've been thinking. Perhaps we aren't meant to have a child. Not all couples do. Perhaps we should just stop trying. But please, believe me. You're the one I love. The only one I've ever loved and will love. With or without children, you're the one I want to be with."

She heard the words, heard him, and how he struggled to convey them. Despite knowing that they came from a desperate attempt to comfort her, they filled her with rage.

It wasn't fair.

Everyone around her was starting families of their own. She had the added pressure of producing a Hyuuga heir too. She led the clan, and it was her responsibility to keep the lineage going. Furthermore, setting aside every stupid clan responsibility, she longed for a child. Yes, she loved her niece and nephew, but she also wanted a family of her own. He knew that, and here he came and suggested that they should just stop? As if that would solve their problems?

Pushing herself away from his hug, Hanabi glared at him. "So, you're just giving up? I didn't know you were a coward," she lashed out and for the second time within a minute, she saw his eyes darken with hurt before they narrowed.

"Seriously, now you've resorted to mocking? I was only suggesting it because I can see how it's hurting you, and yeah, fair enough, I'm tired too. But I'm not going to stand here to be your punching bag to let you take out all your frustrations on," he bit out through gritted teeth before taking a deep breath. "See you when I come back. Hopefully, you've calmed down by then," he finished, slamming the door behind him on the way out.

Only when she was sure that he wouldn't hear her—or return—did she allow herself to sink to the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest and hiding the tears in her hands.