A bucketful of Babylon ….and a belly full of hate.
- Nos Da Cariad (David Gray)
If at the end of this story you were asked, you'd probably say it was all her fault. And back then perhaps I would've agreed with you.
But now, with several hundred years worth of perspective, all I can say is that she was demanding. And greedy. And so fucking selfish.
But then again, aren't we all?
()()()()()
I guess if you don't have siblings, it's hard to explain the bond between a brother and a brother- or a sister and a brother- if you don't already know it yourself. In a way it's not a loving, caring relationship, like you have with your mother- but it's not the companionable resilience of a friend, either. I suppose the bond between me and my brother is simply a knowledge that he'll beat the shit out of me on a daily basis, piss me off, shag a girl I like, steal my stuff, make me want to kill him with just one word, but despite all of that, I know one day I'd open my eyes on a new day and my mother wouldn't be there; my friend's would've disappeared and the world would no longer look down on me with welcoming eyes- but he would. It is knowing that my life could disintegrate and yet the Doctor would still be there, enduring the same thing right along side me.
He was everything I had, really. Well, when you have had parents that, for as long as you can remember, have done everything from throw plates at one other to letting complete strangers fuck them on the kitchen floor at four o'clock in the morning, you learnt to appreciate the little things that other people ignore. Like the fact that the Doctor (back then it was before our Names; he was Theta and I was Saul, but given I'm telling you this story, I'll keep it easy and call him the Doctor where possible) was three years older than me, but he still let me join in when he and his mates were drinking themselves out of their minds at every available opportunity. I heard them give him shit for that to begin with, but not in a serious way; at the time, I'd never once heard him raise his voice to anyone, but no-one ever gave him hassle. I guess he never had to rely on shouting to make people listen to him, like most men did. Like I did.
You don't really expect an eighteen year old to even remotely care about his younger brother, but the Doctor did. He didn't always of course- back then we'd torn each other apart, sometimes literally since there was no-one to stop us if we went too far; there was never the shout that a father's supposed to give his boys when they're being too rough- it only stopped when we'd exhausted whatever pent up rage we had inside ourselves. In those days the two of us were so angry at everything-the world for seeming to be so peaceful compared to what we came home to every day; seeing our own mother shamelessly sucking off every bloke she could get her hands on whilst our father drowned himself in whores and then came home and slapped her about; seeing how everyone else our age seemed so…innocent, and then seeing my brother forced to pretend that he was same kind of cocky, arrogant sod that they were. I think it ate away at him a little bit more everyday for years, whilst the life around us refused to change.
Then, of course, we got a bit older and realised that we were really the only thing each other had. The Doctor seemed to change his entire attitude towards me in a night, and it was his peace offerings to me that made me change my opinions about him. As it turned out, all it took was him saying good morning to me to make me realise I'd spent half my teenage years hating the wrong person. I never asked but I've always known it was her that made him realise how much I needed him.
Zarja- back then we knew her simply as Gabi- had been in our lives for as long as I could remember. As prestigious men of the Citadel our fathers had been connected, and therefore our families, long before the three of us came into the picture. She was a year older than me, a year younger than the Doctor, technically anyways- I have dim memories of her as a tiny eight year old, teaching the two of us how to ride a pony behind the back of the school stables. I never did get the knack for it.
Her father was at best considered a traditional man, at worst described as a greedy, conniving son of a bitch who never let his wife or his daughter step less than four feet from him and was liable to shoot any man who looked at either of them, even in an innocent way. Eventually he deemed her old enough to be kept away from boys and I didn't see her for six years. Well, Gideon was under the impression it was a little longer than that, but he never did manage to keep as good an eye on his daughter as he thought he did. For a time, at least.
I think the day our parents told us we were no longer to see Gabi; talk to her or even talk about her, not ever, was one of the worst days of my life. Seven years old at the time, I'd burst into tears and screamed bloody murder. My brother didn't say a word, but one look at his face had made my screams die in my throat. I don't think he spoke a word to anyone for a week.
That was the first time she broke our hearts.
()()()()()
I can't tell if this is boring, tell you all this- but I've got to. Not just so that everything that happened later makes sense to you, but also because I have to tell someone. Someone outside it should know, so then at least there'll be one person in the universe who can understand what the fuck happened, cause I sure don't, even now. I've spent so many years turning it over and over in my head, running and rerunning through everything that I've felt, tasted, thought, since that first night; after four years of loneliness, finding Gabi on my lawn, staring up at me with the same look she'd had as a small child. All tired and sad and happy at the same time- that special expression she saved for me… and him, because we were the only ones who understood it.
I'd slid out of my window as silently as a cat, anxious not the wake the Doctor. This was my moment with Gabi, the special reunion I'd dreamt of for years; just the two of us, quiet and shivering in the wet grass, staring across the law at each other, quite unable to believe it was really happening. After a moment, I think I hugged her - feeling her ribs under my palms (she was tiny even then) and her skinny arms around my neck was absolute bliss. I don't know exactly what it is that a fourteen year old can think when he hugs a girl, given the fixation boys have at the time, but I felt something more than… that, although I didn't know what it was. Later it turned into other, more distinct feelings, but back then all I think I felt was a deep contentment at seeing that my best friend hadn't entirely forgotten me.
I remember jumping out of my skin when I saw the shadow through Gabi's hair; I felt cool hands cover mine where they were glued to Gabi's waist, and it was then that I realised that I would never be able to come between Gabi and the Doctor, not matter how quiet I was.
The three of us stayed that way for a long time, until Gabi started to shiver with cold and we made her come inside. That first night none of us slept- we stayed up until the thin edges of dawn began to bubble at the horizon, drinking in everything she told us about the last four years. How angry she'd been at the forced separation. How the stable boy had taught her to shoot a rifle behind the stable block, hidden from her father's view, in exchange for quick pecks on the cheek. How she'd walked in on Gideon slapping her mother, and how he'd turned it on her when he'd seen her watching; and how he'd bought her a pony a week later to say sorry. It was the first of many times he bought her presents in such a way.
Following that first sleepless night, all three of us were too tired to stay awake for hours on end; so instead Gabi had burrowed her way under the Doctor's duvet, fallen asleep, and suddenly that became the routine. Every night after that she appeared like a ghost an hour or so after sunset- a little out of breath having run the distance between our houses-slept beside the Doctor (his bed, on account of him being older, was much bigger than mine, and comfier) and disappeared just before Morning Bell. Sometimes I'd jolt wake in the middle of the night, sweating, and look over to see the two of them deep asleep; Gabi curled into the Doctor's chest, a splash of moonlight splayed perfectly across her face, beautiful even in the grasp of adolescence. As delicately as I could, I would sidle into the duvet, and snuggle up beside her so that she was enveloped between by me and my brother. I'm not sure if she ever did wake up when I did that- if she did she never pushed me away.
Years passed pretty much in the same way. The Doctor and I grew stronger as we grew older; hormones and growing pains mixed with all the confusion and loneliness we'd had as children, manifesting over time into resentment towards each other as we entered our teenage years. Being several years older, the Doctor never came away from our fights as badly as I did- I spent a good degree of my time as a teenager old hunched over a sink or bath, holding my nose and spitting blood onto the white porcelain and growing ever more bitter towards him. He hated me because I was his younger brother and I was the only thing he could take his anger at out on. Simultaneously, I grew to hate him because of the fact that he was so close to Gabi.
By the time he was twenty he must've fucked more girls that our college had to offer. That was his preferred method of forgetting about the way our mother had started to look at us when we spoke- as if every bruise and split lip she had from her husband was our fault, as we'd made her life as shit and as empty as it was. I'd turn my head and pretend not to hear whilst he made some girl or another scream into his pillow (according to the girls who cared to inform me, he was a god with his hands) I don't think he ever let them do the same things to him, though- I guess we all have our vulnerabilities. Of course, I never realised this at the time- I never thought about it much apart from how bloody annoying it was to have to move to another room to read or do work, and how badly I wished I was lusted after like my older brother was.
At this time Gabi had been spending her nights with us for the best part of three years- every night, without fail, she'd be there, and by then I'd been spending so many nights next to her that eventually the Doctor pulled his mattress onto the floor, put mine beside it and it just became official- we all slept next to each other, Gabi cradled between us like a shared blanket, holding one of our hands in each of hers. Looking back on it now, I don't why I was ever surprised that things happened the way they did- everything was already in place long before the balls started rolling.
Reviews would be appreciated. I'm uploading the first few chapters as they act as a prelude.