Author notes: hm… well, this is kinda just a stupid little fic I wrote
about the TURKs and President ShinRa, cuz their cool. Uhm, like I said,
it's stupid… but, read it anyway? ^^* Please R&R!
--
"I...I am still alive..." said the near dead leader of the TURKs."...man, why did MY character have to die? Why not Reno?"
"HEY!" the red head shot back.
"CUT! Geez, how many times do we have to retake this scene? Tseng, I have the faintest clue, now if you'd PLEASE just get this right!" called the director, obviously quite annoyed.
Tseng snarled.
Rufus, Rude, Reno and Elena sat on the side of the screen, watching as Cloud encountered Tseng and got the key of the Ancients from Tseng. They sat there in stony silence, except for Elena, who was sobbing over Tseng's death.
"You dummy, Tseng's not REALLY dead!" hissed Reno.
"...I-I know! B-but, its still really sad!" Elena stuttered, and then put her face into her hands to start another bawling session. The Three R's rolled their eyes.
--
That night when everyone had left the studio, Rufus collapsed on his bed.
"Ugh... what I need... is a vacation..." Rufus muttered, as he began calling Carnival Cruises.
"Hello, Carnival Cruises, how may we help you?"
"My name is Rufus ShinRa and I'd like to book a cruise to Hawaii."
"Hello, Mr. Vice President! Thank you for calling, your cruise has been scheduled on April 11th. That'll be 50,000 dollars!"
Rufus blinked. That was a lot of money. But he was the vice president of a big company, right? So, money was not a problem. He hung up the phone, flicked his hair back and collapsed again on his bed, happily.
"2 weeks away from the TURKs.... ahh..."
--
Elena opened her mailbox. Inside was an envelope from Carnival Cruises. She excitedly ripped it open and-
"YESSSSS!"
Awhile back, Elena had entered a contest to win two tickets for a Carnival Cruise to Hawaii. The date just HAPPENED to be April 11th.
Elena stared at the tickets in pure glee. Until she thought of something. There were two tickets. Who else would come? She thought of...
She ran into her house to call Tseng.
--
Tseng sighed in exasperation. He had just accepted Elena's offer to go on the cruise with her. On the phone, she had begged and pleaded and cried to get him to come with. Then she said, "Would you rather go to work and deal with all those jerks or come on a cruise where you'd only have to put up with me?" That was something he couldn't resist.
Tseng did like Elena to some extent. She was smart and energetic. But she had tendencies to be pretty ditzy. He crossed his fingers and hoped he could be able to put up with her for two weeks.
Now, if AERIS had invited him THAT would be a different story...
--
Rude and Reno cackled evilly. Well, Rude did not cackle. He just went, "..........heh."
Reno picked up the phone. "Hello, Carnival Cruises? I'd like to book a cruise for two to Hawaii!"
"We have a date open for April 11th..."
"Alright, we'll take it. How much will it cost?"
"100,000 dollars."
"$^@$! I mean, err, send the bill to Mr. Cloud Strife." Reno slammed the phone and laughed. Rude grinned.
"Cloud will never know..." Reno said, smiling evilly.
--
On April 10th, one day before the cruise, Rufus walked into the director's office.
"Excuse me. I will be on vacation leave for two weeks or so. I'm going on a cruise to Hawaii." he informed the director.
"Fine. Have fun." the director replied absently.
--
Three hours later, Elena skipped into the director's office.
"Mr. Director? Me and Tseng are going to be on a cruise to Hawaii for two weeks! So, we won't be here!" she announced, chipperly.
"...Alright then..." the director shrugged, thinking it was purely coincidental.
--
Reno and Rude sauntered into the director's office, 5 hours after Elena had.
"Hey, Director, me and Rude are leaving on a cruise. We're gonna go see the sights of Hawaii!" Reno exclaimed, and sauntered back out.
The director raised his eyes in suspicion.
--
April 11th, 12:00. The boat was pulling in, and its boarders oohed and ahhed at its size and coolness.
In the front of the line, Rufus tapped his foot in impatience, having no clue that Tseng, Elena, Rude and Reno would be on the same cruise.
In the middle of the line, Elena jumped up and down in excitement, while Tseng was trying to hold onto his 2 bags of luggage and Elena's 6 bags of luggage. They had no clue that Rude, Reno and Rufus were on the same cruise.
In the back of the line, Reno and Rude complained about being in the back of the line and musing about Cloud's 'sudden debt'. They had no clue that Rufus, Tseng and Elena were on the same cruise.
Let the insanity begin!
--
Rude and Reno finally shuffled through the crowd to find their rooms. Reno walked into his and his jaw dropped. It was practically an apartment, a dining area type room connecting Reno's and Rude's rooms. On their dressers, there was a note saying "Welcome aboard, Cloud Strife!" They sniggered.
Rude did not snigger. He simply went ".......heh."
--
Rufus had some troubles getting to his room. He found himself being stalked by some rabid fan girls screaming "We loooove you, Ruuufiieee!!" Finally he made it. He looked around his room, which was much more fancier than Rude's and Reno's (despite the fact all 3 of them had paid 50,000 on each room.).
Suddenly, his door broke down, and the rabid fan girls stampeded into his room, knocking him over. Rufus tried pushing them back, but it was useless. So he whistled, and a random black panther came running into the room and chased all the fan girls away.
After that, Rufus laid on his bed happily, thinking Ahhh, two weeks away from the TURKs!
Or so he thought.
--
"We're here!" Elena said, standing in front of the two doors to each bedroom. Tseng collapsed from carrying the 8 (heavy) bags of luggage. Elena dragged him in.
"Look at this! Its practically as big as my apartment! Heehee!" Elena said, wandering around her room, 'OOH!" ing at every little thing.
Tseng dragged himself into his apartment, got a sheet of paper from the desk, wrote HELP on it in big, bold letters, and stuck it to the little window looking out over the ocean.
--
April 11th, 5:00 pm
There were 3 restaurants on the ship: MakoDonalds, Carnival Cruise's Family Restaurant, and a place called Tif's Seventh Heaven.
Funny how they all decided to go to Tif's Bar.
Reno and Rude walked in. Of course, they had gone here because it was a bar; bars had alcoholic drinks; alcoholic drinks meant they could get drunk. They noticed the bartender's nametag, which read "Tifa".
"HEY! TIFA! Whaddareyou doing here?! Shouldn't you be with Cloud and all them?"
The girl blinked. "Whaaa?"
"Aren't you Tifa? Ain't this Tifa's Seventh Heaven?" Rude said, confused.
"No... my real name is Tiffany. And this is TIF'S Seventh Heaven."
The two men blinked, shrugged, and sat on the stool.
As they waited for their drinks, a man with a white overcoat came in. He flicked his blonde hair back, and looked at Reno and Rude.
"Don't I know you...?" Rufus pondered.
"Yea, you look familiar, t- RUFUS?!" Reno yelped.
"WHAT THE %&#%? RENO? RUDE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" Rufus yelled, furious that his vacation had been ruined.
"..." was Rude's answer.
As if on cue, Tseng walked in with Elena trailing behind him. They saw Rufus, Reno and Rude.
"Cool! The gangs all here!" Elena said, all too cheerfully.
Suddenly, the three R's shot Elena murderous looks. Well, you really couldn't tell if Rude had or not due to the sunglasses over his eyes, but he probably did.
"O-oh... I guess that's not a good thing..." she said, burying her face in Tseng's shoulder. Tseng rolled his eyes.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! I took this vacation to get away from YOU! THE TURKS! But, nooo!" Rufus said, agitated. He flicked his hair back in frustration.
"Geez, Rufus. Its not OUR problem we got the same cruise days as you did!" Tseng scoffed.
"Heehee, you go, Tsengie!" Elena giggled. Tseng sighed.
"...I'm going to throw you ALL overboard..." Rufus muttered, and stormed out.
"What's wrong with *HIC* him?" Reno hiccupped, obviously drunk. His head swayed around a bit.
"Err, come on Elena, lets head to MakoBurger before Reno throws up on us..." Tseng grumbled, dragging Elena out of the bar with him.
"Geez, what's *HIC!* eating them?"
".....................dunno, Reno. *hic!*"
--
So the vacation continued. Basically, Rufus was trying to stay away from the TURKs. Reno and Rude were trying to bother Tseng, Elena and Rufus as much as possible. Elena was bothering everyone as well, and Tseng was just trying to stay away from her.
For the most part, Rufus would sit out on the deck, getting a tan. Reno and Rude spent their time (getting drunk) at Tif's bar, and Elena spent most of her time dragging Tseng around everywhere. Tseng tried (and failed) to get away from her.
Their cruise continued like this. Until one fateful night, April 14th...
--
The evening of April 14th was like any other on the Carnival Cruise. They would reach Hawaii in the morning.
Rufus sat on his chair (with his overcoat still on), looking at the setting sun and thinking of a diabolical scheme for ShinRa.
"Lets see... we could have Hojo clone the Weapons several times and send them all after AVALANCHE... ha-ha." he sniggered. He flicked his hair back.
Reno and Rude were amazingly not at the bar. They amazingly weren't drunk, either. They were sitting on the chairs next to Rufus (Although, the three R's had not realized this). The two TURKs were discussing work.
"You know, fighting AVALANCHE is annoying. All they do is kick our butts, right, Rude? We gotta do somethin' about it!" the nightstick user complained.
"..... ...... ..... .....you're right." Rude responded, after about half an hour.
And next to THEM were Elena and Tseng. And still, no one noticed who they were all sitting next to.
"Isn't the sun beautiful, Tsengie? Just like you..." cooed Elena.
Tseng groaned and smacked his head on the nearby post.
Suddenly, Reno jumped up from his chair and got on the edge of the railing. "I'M KING OF THE WOOOOOORLD!" he yelled.
Rufus, Elena, Tseng and Rude jumped about 30 feet in the air, and suddenly noticed who they were sitting next to.
"AGH! NOT YOU PEOPLE, AGAIN!" Rufus said, quite annoyed. He started to leave.
Suddenly, a voice over the intercom came on.
"Errrrr, sorry for the interruption, but it seems as though we hit an iceberg and we are sinking. Don't panic. The only bad thing that might happen is that if we don't have enough lifeboats and 1,400 people or so have to die trying to save themselves! Heehee!" *click*
"Since when are there icebergs in the oceans by Hawaii?" Rude pondered.
"AAAAGH!!!" Elena panicked, and began running around in circles. "We're going to die! Tsengie, save me!" she jumped onto Tseng's back.
Rufus sighed in exasperation and pushed his hair back.
--
Suddenly, the deck became swamped with people trying to get on lifeboats. Rufus and the TURKs tried to find a lifeboat, but they soon realised that all the lifeboats were taken. Everyone had gotten on one, except for them!
"Oh that's just GREAT. All I wanted was a nice vacation and now were going to DIE!" Rufus said, and buried his head into his hand. Reno patted him on the back.
"Hey, Prez, don't worry. The TURKs-and their leader-will survive!" Reno exclaimed, punching his fist into the air.
Elena began sobbing. Her wails were very loud. Very VERY loud. Tseng felt a bit bad for her, and pulled her into a little hug, which luckily muffled her wails.
"So, what are we going to do?" Tseng asked. They all shrugged.
Suddenly, a little fisherman's boat comes into view. The 5 ShinRa members (excluding Rude) began yelling "HEY! OVER HERE!" "SAVE US!" "HELP!" and "IF YOU DON' T HELP US, WE'RE GONNA KILL YOU!".
The fisherman's boat pulled up to the sinking ship, which was sinking rather slowly. The TURKs and the VP scrambled onto the boat.
"Hey, thanks for savin' us. Honestly, I'm gonna sue Carnival when I get back..." Reno grumbled, grasping onto his nightstick in case this man was a complete psycho.
The man in the boat was a somewhat shady character. He had black pants, long black hair, a claw, and a red cloak.
"VINCENT?!" they all squeaked at the same time. "What are YOU doing here?"
Vincent shrugged. "Cloud figured it would be easier if we could just search for the Holy Materia in the ocean then hoping Aeris' prayer made it through."
"Oh."
--
Eventually, all the TURKs fell asleep. Well, no one can tell if Rude did or not. The next morning, they found the boat on the shore of the Square Soft HQ. Vincent had apparently gone back in. The TURKs and Rufus shuffled tiredly into the office.
--
The director wondered why for the next month of work, the TURKs and Rufus stayed far, far away from each other...
--
"I...I am still alive..." said the near dead leader of the TURKs."...man, why did MY character have to die? Why not Reno?"
"HEY!" the red head shot back.
"CUT! Geez, how many times do we have to retake this scene? Tseng, I have the faintest clue, now if you'd PLEASE just get this right!" called the director, obviously quite annoyed.
Tseng snarled.
Rufus, Rude, Reno and Elena sat on the side of the screen, watching as Cloud encountered Tseng and got the key of the Ancients from Tseng. They sat there in stony silence, except for Elena, who was sobbing over Tseng's death.
"You dummy, Tseng's not REALLY dead!" hissed Reno.
"...I-I know! B-but, its still really sad!" Elena stuttered, and then put her face into her hands to start another bawling session. The Three R's rolled their eyes.
--
That night when everyone had left the studio, Rufus collapsed on his bed.
"Ugh... what I need... is a vacation..." Rufus muttered, as he began calling Carnival Cruises.
"Hello, Carnival Cruises, how may we help you?"
"My name is Rufus ShinRa and I'd like to book a cruise to Hawaii."
"Hello, Mr. Vice President! Thank you for calling, your cruise has been scheduled on April 11th. That'll be 50,000 dollars!"
Rufus blinked. That was a lot of money. But he was the vice president of a big company, right? So, money was not a problem. He hung up the phone, flicked his hair back and collapsed again on his bed, happily.
"2 weeks away from the TURKs.... ahh..."
--
Elena opened her mailbox. Inside was an envelope from Carnival Cruises. She excitedly ripped it open and-
"YESSSSS!"
Awhile back, Elena had entered a contest to win two tickets for a Carnival Cruise to Hawaii. The date just HAPPENED to be April 11th.
Elena stared at the tickets in pure glee. Until she thought of something. There were two tickets. Who else would come? She thought of...
She ran into her house to call Tseng.
--
Tseng sighed in exasperation. He had just accepted Elena's offer to go on the cruise with her. On the phone, she had begged and pleaded and cried to get him to come with. Then she said, "Would you rather go to work and deal with all those jerks or come on a cruise where you'd only have to put up with me?" That was something he couldn't resist.
Tseng did like Elena to some extent. She was smart and energetic. But she had tendencies to be pretty ditzy. He crossed his fingers and hoped he could be able to put up with her for two weeks.
Now, if AERIS had invited him THAT would be a different story...
--
Rude and Reno cackled evilly. Well, Rude did not cackle. He just went, "..........heh."
Reno picked up the phone. "Hello, Carnival Cruises? I'd like to book a cruise for two to Hawaii!"
"We have a date open for April 11th..."
"Alright, we'll take it. How much will it cost?"
"100,000 dollars."
"$^@$! I mean, err, send the bill to Mr. Cloud Strife." Reno slammed the phone and laughed. Rude grinned.
"Cloud will never know..." Reno said, smiling evilly.
--
On April 10th, one day before the cruise, Rufus walked into the director's office.
"Excuse me. I will be on vacation leave for two weeks or so. I'm going on a cruise to Hawaii." he informed the director.
"Fine. Have fun." the director replied absently.
--
Three hours later, Elena skipped into the director's office.
"Mr. Director? Me and Tseng are going to be on a cruise to Hawaii for two weeks! So, we won't be here!" she announced, chipperly.
"...Alright then..." the director shrugged, thinking it was purely coincidental.
--
Reno and Rude sauntered into the director's office, 5 hours after Elena had.
"Hey, Director, me and Rude are leaving on a cruise. We're gonna go see the sights of Hawaii!" Reno exclaimed, and sauntered back out.
The director raised his eyes in suspicion.
--
April 11th, 12:00. The boat was pulling in, and its boarders oohed and ahhed at its size and coolness.
In the front of the line, Rufus tapped his foot in impatience, having no clue that Tseng, Elena, Rude and Reno would be on the same cruise.
In the middle of the line, Elena jumped up and down in excitement, while Tseng was trying to hold onto his 2 bags of luggage and Elena's 6 bags of luggage. They had no clue that Rude, Reno and Rufus were on the same cruise.
In the back of the line, Reno and Rude complained about being in the back of the line and musing about Cloud's 'sudden debt'. They had no clue that Rufus, Tseng and Elena were on the same cruise.
Let the insanity begin!
--
Rude and Reno finally shuffled through the crowd to find their rooms. Reno walked into his and his jaw dropped. It was practically an apartment, a dining area type room connecting Reno's and Rude's rooms. On their dressers, there was a note saying "Welcome aboard, Cloud Strife!" They sniggered.
Rude did not snigger. He simply went ".......heh."
--
Rufus had some troubles getting to his room. He found himself being stalked by some rabid fan girls screaming "We loooove you, Ruuufiieee!!" Finally he made it. He looked around his room, which was much more fancier than Rude's and Reno's (despite the fact all 3 of them had paid 50,000 on each room.).
Suddenly, his door broke down, and the rabid fan girls stampeded into his room, knocking him over. Rufus tried pushing them back, but it was useless. So he whistled, and a random black panther came running into the room and chased all the fan girls away.
After that, Rufus laid on his bed happily, thinking Ahhh, two weeks away from the TURKs!
Or so he thought.
--
"We're here!" Elena said, standing in front of the two doors to each bedroom. Tseng collapsed from carrying the 8 (heavy) bags of luggage. Elena dragged him in.
"Look at this! Its practically as big as my apartment! Heehee!" Elena said, wandering around her room, 'OOH!" ing at every little thing.
Tseng dragged himself into his apartment, got a sheet of paper from the desk, wrote HELP on it in big, bold letters, and stuck it to the little window looking out over the ocean.
--
April 11th, 5:00 pm
There were 3 restaurants on the ship: MakoDonalds, Carnival Cruise's Family Restaurant, and a place called Tif's Seventh Heaven.
Funny how they all decided to go to Tif's Bar.
Reno and Rude walked in. Of course, they had gone here because it was a bar; bars had alcoholic drinks; alcoholic drinks meant they could get drunk. They noticed the bartender's nametag, which read "Tifa".
"HEY! TIFA! Whaddareyou doing here?! Shouldn't you be with Cloud and all them?"
The girl blinked. "Whaaa?"
"Aren't you Tifa? Ain't this Tifa's Seventh Heaven?" Rude said, confused.
"No... my real name is Tiffany. And this is TIF'S Seventh Heaven."
The two men blinked, shrugged, and sat on the stool.
As they waited for their drinks, a man with a white overcoat came in. He flicked his blonde hair back, and looked at Reno and Rude.
"Don't I know you...?" Rufus pondered.
"Yea, you look familiar, t- RUFUS?!" Reno yelped.
"WHAT THE %&#%? RENO? RUDE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" Rufus yelled, furious that his vacation had been ruined.
"..." was Rude's answer.
As if on cue, Tseng walked in with Elena trailing behind him. They saw Rufus, Reno and Rude.
"Cool! The gangs all here!" Elena said, all too cheerfully.
Suddenly, the three R's shot Elena murderous looks. Well, you really couldn't tell if Rude had or not due to the sunglasses over his eyes, but he probably did.
"O-oh... I guess that's not a good thing..." she said, burying her face in Tseng's shoulder. Tseng rolled his eyes.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! I took this vacation to get away from YOU! THE TURKS! But, nooo!" Rufus said, agitated. He flicked his hair back in frustration.
"Geez, Rufus. Its not OUR problem we got the same cruise days as you did!" Tseng scoffed.
"Heehee, you go, Tsengie!" Elena giggled. Tseng sighed.
"...I'm going to throw you ALL overboard..." Rufus muttered, and stormed out.
"What's wrong with *HIC* him?" Reno hiccupped, obviously drunk. His head swayed around a bit.
"Err, come on Elena, lets head to MakoBurger before Reno throws up on us..." Tseng grumbled, dragging Elena out of the bar with him.
"Geez, what's *HIC!* eating them?"
".....................dunno, Reno. *hic!*"
--
So the vacation continued. Basically, Rufus was trying to stay away from the TURKs. Reno and Rude were trying to bother Tseng, Elena and Rufus as much as possible. Elena was bothering everyone as well, and Tseng was just trying to stay away from her.
For the most part, Rufus would sit out on the deck, getting a tan. Reno and Rude spent their time (getting drunk) at Tif's bar, and Elena spent most of her time dragging Tseng around everywhere. Tseng tried (and failed) to get away from her.
Their cruise continued like this. Until one fateful night, April 14th...
--
The evening of April 14th was like any other on the Carnival Cruise. They would reach Hawaii in the morning.
Rufus sat on his chair (with his overcoat still on), looking at the setting sun and thinking of a diabolical scheme for ShinRa.
"Lets see... we could have Hojo clone the Weapons several times and send them all after AVALANCHE... ha-ha." he sniggered. He flicked his hair back.
Reno and Rude were amazingly not at the bar. They amazingly weren't drunk, either. They were sitting on the chairs next to Rufus (Although, the three R's had not realized this). The two TURKs were discussing work.
"You know, fighting AVALANCHE is annoying. All they do is kick our butts, right, Rude? We gotta do somethin' about it!" the nightstick user complained.
"..... ...... ..... .....you're right." Rude responded, after about half an hour.
And next to THEM were Elena and Tseng. And still, no one noticed who they were all sitting next to.
"Isn't the sun beautiful, Tsengie? Just like you..." cooed Elena.
Tseng groaned and smacked his head on the nearby post.
Suddenly, Reno jumped up from his chair and got on the edge of the railing. "I'M KING OF THE WOOOOOORLD!" he yelled.
Rufus, Elena, Tseng and Rude jumped about 30 feet in the air, and suddenly noticed who they were sitting next to.
"AGH! NOT YOU PEOPLE, AGAIN!" Rufus said, quite annoyed. He started to leave.
Suddenly, a voice over the intercom came on.
"Errrrr, sorry for the interruption, but it seems as though we hit an iceberg and we are sinking. Don't panic. The only bad thing that might happen is that if we don't have enough lifeboats and 1,400 people or so have to die trying to save themselves! Heehee!" *click*
"Since when are there icebergs in the oceans by Hawaii?" Rude pondered.
"AAAAGH!!!" Elena panicked, and began running around in circles. "We're going to die! Tsengie, save me!" she jumped onto Tseng's back.
Rufus sighed in exasperation and pushed his hair back.
--
Suddenly, the deck became swamped with people trying to get on lifeboats. Rufus and the TURKs tried to find a lifeboat, but they soon realised that all the lifeboats were taken. Everyone had gotten on one, except for them!
"Oh that's just GREAT. All I wanted was a nice vacation and now were going to DIE!" Rufus said, and buried his head into his hand. Reno patted him on the back.
"Hey, Prez, don't worry. The TURKs-and their leader-will survive!" Reno exclaimed, punching his fist into the air.
Elena began sobbing. Her wails were very loud. Very VERY loud. Tseng felt a bit bad for her, and pulled her into a little hug, which luckily muffled her wails.
"So, what are we going to do?" Tseng asked. They all shrugged.
Suddenly, a little fisherman's boat comes into view. The 5 ShinRa members (excluding Rude) began yelling "HEY! OVER HERE!" "SAVE US!" "HELP!" and "IF YOU DON' T HELP US, WE'RE GONNA KILL YOU!".
The fisherman's boat pulled up to the sinking ship, which was sinking rather slowly. The TURKs and the VP scrambled onto the boat.
"Hey, thanks for savin' us. Honestly, I'm gonna sue Carnival when I get back..." Reno grumbled, grasping onto his nightstick in case this man was a complete psycho.
The man in the boat was a somewhat shady character. He had black pants, long black hair, a claw, and a red cloak.
"VINCENT?!" they all squeaked at the same time. "What are YOU doing here?"
Vincent shrugged. "Cloud figured it would be easier if we could just search for the Holy Materia in the ocean then hoping Aeris' prayer made it through."
"Oh."
--
Eventually, all the TURKs fell asleep. Well, no one can tell if Rude did or not. The next morning, they found the boat on the shore of the Square Soft HQ. Vincent had apparently gone back in. The TURKs and Rufus shuffled tiredly into the office.
--
The director wondered why for the next month of work, the TURKs and Rufus stayed far, far away from each other...