NB: I'm in the process of writing a series of one shots about compelling characters that have always intrigued me, but I have never written about because they were so well crafted I felt that there was little to say about them. Some of these one shots might be exceedingly long, whilst others might be very short. They are my musings if you will. First up the incredibly flawed, entirely compelling Brendan Brady from the UK television show, Hollyoaks.
From within the cold walls of his prison cell, Brendan Brady contemplated his life. He was a flawed individual, cursed by his father from the day he was born. He was an abomination, a blight on the lives of all who knew him. He was no good for his ex-wife, his children, his sister or the only man he had ever truly loved, Ste. He cared for Ste like he fought, too fiercely. Their relationship has been a disaster from the outset, but nothing he said or did seemed to stop Ste loving him and however much he knew he should walk away, Brendan could not turn his back on him even if it destroyed them both.
At least he had been unable to turn his back on Ste until yesterday. Telling the man that he needed to walk away from him and let him rot in jail had been the hardest thing Brendan had ever had to do and he had seen more than his fair share of difficult decisions. Forcing those words out of his throat had nearly killed him, but he knew it was the right thing to do and for once, Brendan Brady was attempting to live selflessly. He needed to let Ste go, because if he did not force Ste to stop loving him the man would never find happiness. He desperately hoped that he would find someone who was good for him, who brought him joy and who could live the life that Ste secretly dreamed of. Regardless of how passionately he loved, Brendan knew that he was never that man. He was too consumed with the harsh realities of life to ever fully give himself over to the blissful possibilities that Ste's dream held. Even if he had the strength to fulfil that desire (and Brendan so wished he did), his father had proven that Brendan's past would always catch up with them. He would never be free. Ste was better off without him.
In a lifetime of violence and rage, he had been caught by the police for something that he was entirely innocent of. The irony of the situation was not lost on him and a rue smile momentarily graced his lips. He did not regret taking the fall for Cheryl. She was his blood, his life and the first person to ever tell him he was worth a damn. She had stood by him through everything and supported him unwaveringly. She believed he was a good man, which was unfathomable to him after all of his ruthless violence and deceit. After a lifetime of deceiving her and letting her believe that he was a good person, he longed to prove to her that he could be the man that she had always thought he was.
However, men like Brendan Brady couldn't manage to be law abiding citizens any more than they could manage to let go of the past conflicts that originally derailed their lives. Brendan recognised the truth of his life even as he longed to better himself. This longing was a hopeless desire and one that his own self-destructive nature would prevent him from fulfilling. He had to grasp onto the belief that he had done enough to earn her forgiveness by taking the fall for her and giving her the opportunity to live the life she always wanted. Even as he indulged in the hope of one day earning her forgiveness, he recognised the inherent selfishness of the supposedly selfless act he had committed.
For as long as he remembered, Brendan had always wanted to be free. Free of the violence and hatred that seeped into every pore of his being: free of the pain and shame of Seamus' vile behaviour. Cheryl had given him that and by comparison his gift to her was paltry. Although he would never be free from the world he had not only existed in, but thrived in, she had granted him as much freedom as he could ever hope to attain. He owed her everything; she really owed him nothing despite what she may believe. Brendan hoped she lived her life well. She, like Ste, deserved to be happy and their best chance of doing so was without him in their lives.
As the door to his prison cell opened and he stood ready to walk out for daily exercise, a grimace fleetingly passed over his features. It was time to get down to business on the inside, all thought of Ste and Cheryl must be put aside until tonight when he once again had the opportunity to dream of missed opportunities. In another life he would be amongst them, cracking a smile, solving a problem and living the life he and they dreamed of, but this was not that life. This was another life and in this one, he had a reputation to establish.