Yay for baby mercs! Inspired by Heavy's "Entire team, is BABIES," SFMTales' video (It's Play Time) and Meet the Pyro. As well as the wonderful Eight Mercenaries and a Toddler, written by our very own ChaosandMayhem. Enjoy… or don't, either is fine. *sobs in corner* when will my parents be proud of me

Now just stop tryin' to mess with my DISCLAIMERS: I don't own anything here. If I did I'd be making hats. And more hats, and more hats, and more hats… Oh, yeah, and phlog buffs. NERFS, I MEAN NERFS.

Engineer had finally finished his newest contraption. After nine years in development, hopefully it would be worth the wait.

He was wrong.

The bulky machine, reminiscent of a Repair Node (he had scrapped that long ago), sat within the Texan's workshop, taking up about a third of the room. The obscenely big machine sent out small clicks and whirrs, sounding somewhat like the intel room of Teufort. Pretty much Engineer's home.

He sat back in his Rancho Relaxo chair, sipping some Red Shed beer and admiring his machine. His newest success (hopefully), the Respawn mechanic. But oh, this was so much better. Almost instantaneous revival, a speed and invulnerability boost for several seconds, and cloaking during that time as well. It even revived you over your dead corpse. At least, it should, if everything worked out. The darn BLUs would finally be caught off guard. It was strange, fighting his exact copy, but they always seemed to be head-to-head. Finally, after so long…

To be honest, Engineer figured that the Administrator would definitely not enjoy his new toy. But she didn't matter to him anymore. It was common knowledge by this point that she was orchestrating the whole battle to generate more money for Mann Co. Still, the mercs fought - what else were they to do? They were mercs, for Gaben's sake. And the salary was good. They had already earned enough to support their future great-grandchildren (if, indeed, they decided to have children). So why stop now, while they were in their prime?

The Tex shook his head. Damn it, he kept going off on a tangent nowadays. He may have stayed up all night for four days straight, but that was a normal occurrence when he was working on a project. Maybe he should go see the Medic. But enough dilly-dallying - time to show his team the new Respawn. The hulking machine had been built on a large wooden platform, with four wheels underneath. With enough forethought, the Engineer mused, one could do anything, including moving a giant piece of technology into Teufort's courtyard. He pulled out his infamous one-button remote and took a deep breath. Time to test this.

Beep.

As Engineer's gloved finger hit the red button, the entire back wall of the workshop opened up, light shining in. The brilliance would've blinded anyone not wearing welding goggles. As it was, the Engineer grinned as the big Respawn machine slowly rolled down a ramp he had prepared. Curving around, the skateboard (yes, that's what we're going to call it) rolled to a slow stop in the direct center of the courtyard.

Engineer did some routine checks and patted the machine. "Good as new - looks as if it was built just today." He winked, though no one could see it through the heavily-tinted goggles.

Now for the hard part.

He had to round up the team.

One can expect, that, as a typically soft-spoken man, the Engineer would have a pretty hard time rounding up all of the rowdy RED team, considering it consisted of a speedy caffiene-fueled Bostonian, an… eccentric… patriot that enjoyed hanging out with eagles, and an invisible Frenchman. As well as other slightly infuriating teammates. The Engineer sighed. At least he could count on the firebug being in his… her… its room. Strolling through the back halls of the base, he found the door marked with a flame insignia. Once upon a time, Engineer had walked in without announcing himself and was met with a burst of flame that sent him into the Medic's infirmary for three days. And it was the weekend, too, so the Medic couldn't even use his Medigun to fix him up, since it was the ceasefire.

Carefully, the Engineer rapped on the door. A even-more-muffled "Mpp?" reached Engineer's ears.

"Uh, hey, Pyro. Y'all about done settin' things in fire there?"

The door opened, revealing the fully-suited man… woman… person (honestly, the Spy once said that the Pyro slept with it on) still obsessively flicking a lighter. "Mmph mmph mph."

"Good mornin' to you too. Listen, I got a new project ready for the team, can ya help me get some of 'em?"

The Pyro stroked its chin. "Mmph, mph huddah mph mph Mmph, Mmphmmph, Huddah, mph Huddah mph."

"Alright, you go get Scout, Sniper, Heavy, and Medic. I'll hunt down the rest of the team."

That left the elusive Spy, the drunken cyclops, and the patriot. Somehow, he was going to have to find them. Oh boy.

By the time Engineer rounded up Soldier and Demoman, Pyro had already corralled the rest of the REDs. One remained: Spy.

Now, the only one on good terms with the Spy was the Heavy as of late, as the other teammates had managed to offend the man. Engineer had managed to convince the hulking Russian to hunt down the rogue.

"Fine. But Heavy does not like this situation. Engineer owes friend favor."

Now, after a lot of goading, and several Sandviches later, the entire team was sitting in the shade, grumbling and waiting. The Engineer made his announcement to a slightly distracted, slightly grumpy, but still very eccentric group.

"Now, I know, all y'all want to know what this here contraption is. And let me elucidate it to ya. Ya see, this is a Respawn apparatus. Its prime power antecedent is this -"

The Demoman hurled an empty scrumpy bottle at the Engineer. "Get on with it, ye bloody toymaker!"

Engineer dodged the trash and sighed. "Now listen here, Demo, those companies use dead rats in their scrumpy. Drunk on the battlefield ain't no way to be, son. Now, where was I? The prime power antecedent is this Über component -"

"IN AMERICAN, MAGGOT! WHAT YOU ARE SPEAKING IS NO LANGUAGE FOR A TRUE TEXAN TO SPEAK!"

"Uh, it is English…"

"WHAT? DO NOT EVEN SPEAK OF THAT COUNTRY TO ME! WE ARE AMERICAN MEN, DAMN IT, SO WE SPEAK AMERICAN. ENGIE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SMART! RIGHT, HEAVY? WE ARE AMERICAN MEN TOGETHER, AND SO WE SPEAK AMERICAN!"

Medic sighed. "Vonce again, Soldier, ve are not all American here. Heavy, for instance, is -

The Heavy elbowed the Medic and gave Soldier a forced grin. "Dah - I mean, yes! We are American together!"

"Would you all just - fine! I'll give you the simpleton's version. This thing is a super-beefed up Respawn!"

The Soldier instantly brightened up. "YOU MEAN, I'LL BE ABLE TO KILL MORE OF THOSE BLU TEAM MAGGOTS?"

"Yeah, but it's not tested yet, and so I'd like to turn it on in the next battle. Just so that we have it on hand -"

The Soldier jumped up and shoved the Engineer away. "I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE - I MEAN TEST SUBJECT!"

The Engineer tried to get up off the floor, but a sudden burning feeling erupted through his head and he fell down again. "No, Soldier - ow - ya don't understand, it's not safe…"

The Spy could only look on with amusement as the Soldier frantically searched for an on button. "Uh, Soldier - zee button is on zee ozzer side," he said casually.

Dell Conagher cursed. "No, Soldier!"

Before anyone could react, the Soldier had jabbed the button and launched himself into the sky with a rocket, flying down at terminal velocity and firing a rocket downwards. Surprisingly, the insane patriot calculated correctly and the rocket hit the ground at the same time he did, blowing him into bits. The Respawn mechanism began to whir and flash.

By this point, the Engineer was out cold and no one knew what was going on. Scout ran around screaming "ohmygodohmygodi'mtooyoungtodiemedicübermepleaserunawayohmygod" as everyone else stood stock still for a second. Then the courtyard erupted into pandemonium, with some of the less stable mercs bursting into hysterics.

Then, the machine exploded.

Teehee cliffhangers.

Constructive criticism is helpful. But no random critiques. I HATE RANDOM CRITS.

EDIT: Thanks to Phun House for the first kind review, and xXALCHEMYFREAKXx for the second! Sorry for the nonexistent update schedule!