Disclaimer: In case it is not already quite obvious, the writers of this fanfic are all insane asylum rejects and would also like to profoundly apologize for the crack you are about to read. They also do not own Harry Potter. If they did it would doubtless include Tentacle Grape, tentacle rape, and dozens of scantily clad hot bitches of both genders. Also, every wizard would learn how to properly roll a joint in their first year. Should you still wish to take legal action, the writers of this delightful work of fiction collectively own little more than the seven Harry Potter books, a couple stacks of porn - gay and otherwise - and three or four torture devices that they shall not hesitate to use on anyone who attempts to sue a couple of college students out of what little they still have. Enjoy.

Philosopher's Stone BS

When a small young boy with taped-up glasses who lived under the stairs received an acceptance letter from Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, he was the happiest person alive. That boy's name was Harry Potter. But sadly, he was a freshman and therefore treated like dirt, even though he had defeated the great Dark Wizard ten years ago.

His only pseudo-friends was a girl named Hermione Granger and a boy named Ron Weasley. However, Hermione and Ron looked down upon Harry because he couldn't sleep in class effectively. Hermione would sleep while playing Gameboy and Ron would sleep while writing slash. All Harry could do was sleep and sleep some more, so everyone considered him the village idiot.

One fine day, young Harry saw a green outline in the sky and upon closer inspection, he saw that the odd figure was in the shape of bling. Albus Dumbledore, the headmaster of the school, was extremely tight and said to Harry, "Harry, you must hide, for the Dark Mark has been fired above our school."

Harry, slightly more confused than usual, asked Dumbledore, "Why, sir? What does the necklace in the sky mean?"

So with a heavy heart, Dumbledore told Harry his back-story via flashback. A bazillion years ago, there was a dark wizard whose name was Voldemort, who sought to collect all the bling in the world in order to complete the ultimate pimpcane. Harry's parents were rumored to have massive quantities of bling, so Voldemort became greedy and upon paying them a visit, killed them both for their shiny gold. However, after stuffing all of the family's bling into a paper bag, somehow a one-year-old child managed to vanquish the Dark Lord. So with that, Dumbledore told Harry not to be a dumbass and then went off to smoke a cigarette.

Little did they know that Voldemort was still very much alive and was currently chilling on the back of Quirrell's head, eating all of the professor's food.

Harry, feeling slightly stupider than usual, stumbled upon a closet while he was running from spitballs being tossed at him by the seniors. When he opened the closet, he reeled back in horror, for there were at least ten students hanging by their toenails in the closet, forced to do outlines while in massive pain. As Harry was busy blinking like a fish, Professor Snape casually strolled out of the closet with a robe made from the pages of the textbook Kesselman, waved at Harry and then left.

Long, long ago, Kesselman himself had been a dark wizard, even darker than Voldemort, but was defeated by Dumbledore in a duel. As Kesselman lay dying, he managed to write an innocuous book about comparative government that secretly chronicled all the dark secrets of black magic. But that story is for another day.

One fine day, while escaping from Professor Snape's wrath, the trio ran into a door that they had never seen before. Behind the door, chained to the floor, was a three-headed pothead named Fluffy.

Hermione, being incredibly smart, appeased the beast by tossing Cheese Doodles at its feet and running. As the trio lay panting outside the secret closet, Ron turned to Hermione and said, "Did you notice the trapdoor by its feet?"

"Yes!" Hermione cheered, "I bet it's guarding something!"

During an unrelated incident on Halloween, someone let a troll into the dungeon. As the troll attacked the trio by trying to force them to learn, Ron managed to successfully distract the troll by setting a pile of books on fire and then tossing them out the window. The troll, trying desperately to put out the fire, died after jumping after the books and falling fifty stories.

Hermione, being the genius that she was, went to the grounds master, Hagrid during detention and asked what was under the pothead's feet. However, Hagrid was in a bad mood, so he simply replied with a stern, "GTFO."

After sneaking into the library and doing research herself, Hermione discovered that the gigantic pothead was in fact, guarding the Sorcerer's Stone.

As he was passing by, Neville saw what Hermione was looking at and asked if the rock could be smoked.

"No," grumbled Hermione, "but it'll make it so you can't die."

"So, can you smoke it?" Neville eagerly asked.

Hermione then proceeded to backhand Neville into next week before grabbing her research and running off to tell her friends. As Hermione ran to her friends, Professor Snape saw the trio and took it upon himself to give them detention for existing. He was also quite upset that they hadn't done the homework, which was to outline Kesselman twenty times, so he gave them another detention for that.

Quirrell walked by; smacking himself in the back of the head and once most students were out of sight, hissed to Voldemort to please stop eating his food. However, Voldemort's simple reply was, "Naw, I'm chilling back here."

Meanwhile, Dumbledore was happily smoking cigarettes out his office window, but then the Professor McGonagall came in abruptly, causing him to choke on his cigarettes.

"Dumbledore," she sternly said, "The students are dueling outside of the Potions room again! Do something!"

Duels were quite a normal occurrence, because quite simply, some students were simply too dumb to live and tended to irritate the more intelligent ones like no tomorrow. Draco Malfoy had turned Neville into a rock, two dimes and a nickel because he had blown pot-smoke in his face. People tended to steer clear of Draco because of his creepy drawings and penchant for horror and it was also quite well known that him and Harry mutually hated each other. However, Hermione and Ron thought the two were pretty chill.

Upon seeing the two dimes and a nickel, Neville proceeded to smoke it after a loud declaration of, "Let he who cast the first rock be known that I shall smoketh it!" However, he never quite realized that what he was smoking was his own brain.

Pansy, who was talking, as usual, managed to piss off Draco, so he thought it was good measure to turn her into a rock as well and then casually walked away. However, Pansy continued to speak, even without a mouth, so when Professor Snape came to break up the fight, he turned the rock to ash without a second to spare.

When Professor Snape was walking by, Hermione saw a burn mark on his leg and quickly concluded that the teacher had attempted to get past the pothead by appeasing it with baked barbecue chips, but had only angered it with the meager display and had a joint put out on his leg.

One day, Harry was upset that Ron had wrote slash about him again, so in a fit of thoughtless anger, told Draco that his hair looked doofy. Draco's only response was to duel him into next Friday and set his hair on fire.

With his hair still on fire, Harry ran wailing to Hermione and Ron and told them what had just gone down. With a snort, Ron said, "Well, he's cooler than you."

Running to his mentor for guidance, Harry pounded his fists on Dumbledore's door, only to be faced with a very angry Dumbledore, for he had interrupted his private smoke session. Angrily, Dumbledore told Harry to GTFO, but once he saw that the boy's hair was ablaze, stopped to ask what had happened.

"I told Draco he looked doofy," Harry angrily replied.

"Oh," said Dumbledore and then closed the door in Harry's face.

Harry, realizing at this point that nobody would put out his hair, uttered a word of "Crap," and then sat dejected on the stairs to take a nap. This was when Hermione and Ron came back, feeling pity for the poor boy, and put out his hair with a shoe.

Happy that his hair was finally put out, Harry proclaimed, "I love you guys!"

Hermione, however, shut him up by saying, "We think Professor Snape's trying to get the Sorcerer's Stone."

"The what now?" Harry asked.

"The Sorcerer's Stone," Ron explained, "is a stone that can make you immortal."

"Can you use it as a pillow?" Harry cheerfully inquired.

"No," Hermione sternly replied, "But anyway, we think Professor Snape is trying to use it to resurrect the evil dark wizard Voldemort!"

"Because he's an asshole?"

"No, Harry! Because Voldemort was vanquished last month by you."

"So, it can bring the dead back to life? That's pretty awesome."

"No, but it can bring people who are kind-of dead back to full-life. We," Hermione joyously proclaimed, "Are going to get it before Professor Snape!"

"Hermione," Harry sighed, "You just want it for yourself."

"Shut up."

Hearing voices in the hall at two in the morning, Filch came over and told the three that he had to give them detention for turning Neville into a rock.

"But that wasn't us!" Harry wailed.

"Then I'm going to have to give you detention for turning Pansy into a rock."

"But that wasn't us, either!"

For talking back, Filch sentenced the trio to five hundred trillion years of detention and took 1,876,524 points from Gryffindor.

The next morning, everyone from Gryffindor and all the other houses wanted to kill Harry, Hermione and Ron, for once everyone in Gryffindor had ran out of points, the staff started to deduct points from all the other houses.

In irritation, Draco turned Harry into a little dog, set his hair on fire and proceeded to beat him down with his wand, which was fifteen inches long and made out of titanium. Feeling sorry for Harry, Hermione stepped in and told Draco to stop. Draco listened, because Hermione was the chillest person on Earth, had a wand sixteen inches long and kept a hydrogen bomb in her pocket.

Harry tearfully thanked Hermione and breathed a sigh of relief, saying, "It's over. Now, we need to stop Professor Snape!"

"Well, if you want to get a billion points taken away from Gryffindor," Ron piped up, "Then let's do it."

"Yeah," Hermione laughed, "If they take any more points away, then they'll have to take away out clothes."

As Quirrell walked by, the back of his head suddenly said, "Awww yeahhhh," which caused every student in the nearby vicinity to give him very strange looks.

In Professor Flitwick's class, the trio were sleeping as usual when they heard their teacher suddenly say, "Your homework is to read page 525-40 and just in case you want to defeat the evil lord Voldemort, drink the potion on the left."

"Well," Harry said, suddenly waking up, "That's pretty chill."

Knowing that they would need backup, Hermione asked Draco to please help them.

"Is Harry coming?" Draco asked, slightly peeved that Hermione had disturbed him from reading the High Octane Nightmare Fuel page.

"Maybe."

"Then no."

"But Draco," Hermione exclaimed checking her pockets for a knife, just in case Draco refused to listen, "We can't just leave him behind! He's the main character!"

"Fine," said Draco, deleting the Internet history, "We got this."

The four went downstairs, only to surprisingly see the pothead subdued with an economy-sized package of Doritos and a lifetime supply of Grape Drank. With horror, they realized that they weren't alone and quickly ran into the trapdoor.

Once they stepped off the ladder, they found themselves entangled in an angry mass of vines that proceeded to strangle them. Draco, finding the plant absolutely adorable, attempted to give the plant a hug, but ended up pissing it off even more.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" Harry screamed at the top of his lungs as vines wrapped around his torso, "I don't want to be tentacle raped to death!"

"STFU," Draco growled, petting the plant, causing it to be significantly skeeved out.

Ron, irritated by the vine's lack of knowledge in fandom, proceeded to take one of the vines, break it off and whip the plant just like he had seen in doujin. The plant, completely subdued by Ron's proper whipping technique, slunk away into a corner and left them alone.

In the next room, there were a bazillion flying keys and only one that fit into the keyhole, leaving the four to be significantly confused once they saw the giant mass. All but Hermione were mesmerized by the ginormous amounts of silver flying through the air and more than once did Ron try to snatch up a key so he could sell it to buy more R-18 doujin.

Hermione, knowing everything in the entire universe, claimed that the key could be found using ultraviolet light because it would glow, so Draco took the opportunity to set Harry's hair on fire again. Because the fire was magical and spat out ultraviolet light, the chosen key began to glow amongst all the rest.

Harry unleashed his magical ninja skills, grabbed the key and unlocked the door. As he contemplated leaving them all behind because he had been treated as a buttmonkey from the first page, he suddenly heard his mentor's voice say, "You need these motherfuckers because you're a dumbass." Dejected and with a heavy sigh, Harry let the other three in and Ron put out the fire by bashing Harry over the head with a spare key.

In the third room, there was nothing but a dude in front of the door leading to the next room. The dude was a giant chess piece, whose sole defense was to say the freakiest things when he was approached. Both Draco and Hermione attempted to confront the man, but both reeled back in horror upon listening to extremely detailed and disturbing stories about carrots. Harry, at this point, didn't even want to take three steps closer to the man if he was too freaky for both Hermione and Draco to handle.

Ron then asked the chess piece why he didn't use whips and using the vine he had stolen from the angry man-eating plant, showed the man proper whipping technique for half an hour. He then explained how using water-based lube in a swimming pool was not okay, at which point the chess piece promptly walked away.

The four, significantly scarred after the last experience, except for Ron, who had gained a new bitch, walked through the door and saw a long table with potions in cups out on it. Flames sprung up in front and behind them, at which everyone quickly shot a glare at Draco, who quickly explained that it wasn't him this time.

"Why don't we drink the one on the left?" Ron asked.

"Why?" Harry whimpered, trying to put out the part of his robe that had caught fire.

"I don't know. Professor Flitwick said so."

After a short game of eenie meenie miney moe, Hermione grabbed the drink on the left and forced it down Harry's throat. After seeing how Harry wasn't dead, they figured that it was indeed, the right one.

Harry, grateful that he was alive, called for the rest of the party to go along, but they shook their heads, told him that they get off their shift at 4:30 and pushed him through the fire to face the Dark Lord alone.

After falling on his butt, Harry looked up to see Quirrell, who happily waved at him and said hi.

"Quirrell?" Harry exclaimed, jumping to his feet, "It was you?"

"Yeah," he cheerfully replied, "Did you think it was Professor Snape?"

"Kind of!"

Throwing all caution to the wind, Voldemort's ghostly self casually strolled in through front door with a solid pimpcane in hand and an obnoxiously pompous glare that made everyone freeze in place.

"Who the hell is that?" Harry yelled.

"I'm Voldemort, you dumbass," Voldemort snarled, resisting the urge to backhand him, "You defeated me last week when I tried to take your parents' bling. Now give me the stone."

"But I don't have it!" Harry yelled.

"Yes you do, you dumbass," Voldemort grumbled, "It's in your pocket."

Harry, not believing him for a second, found nothing in his pocket but some old calculus homework he never did and- "Oh shit," he said, pulling the ruby stone out of his pocket, "It really was in there."

Voldemort, for once deciding to do things the diplomatic way, told Harry that if he joined him and gave him the stone, he would give him so many bitches that he would literally sit on a throne made entirely of bitches.

"Never!" yelled Harry, "You killed my parents two days ago!"

"I didn't mean to kill them," Voldemort explained, "I just hit them too hard and they died by accident. I just wanted their jewels, chill." Sensing that his offer wasn't good enough, Voldemort changed tactics, "If you join me, you will have so many hoes and bling, that you will never be a buttmonkey again."

"Hey, that sounds like a pretty good-" Then Dumbledore mentally pimpslapped Harry, making him say, "Ow! I mean, never mind! I'll never agree to that!"

With that, Quirrell attempted to kill Harry but then melted for some inexplicable reason.

Seeing his host was gone, Voldemort yelled, "Fuck diplomacy!" and proceeded to beat Harry down with his pimpcane for a solid twenty-five minutes until Dumbledore showed up and threatened to give the Dark Lord detentions for the next ten million years.

Later, Harry woke up in a hospital with pimpcane welts all over his body and Dumbledore, Hermione and Ron all around him. Groaning because of a major headache, Harry asked Dumbledore what had happened in the dungeon.

"You were less of a dumbass than usual," Dumbledore replied.

"But sir, why did he want my parents' bling?"

"I can't tell you that until book five."

At the end of the year, with everyone gathered in the dining hall, Dumbledore decided to make a speech. "Congratulations students, for now the year is through and you've learned all the things you never wanted to learn," Everyone took the opportunity to look at Professor Snape, "I would like to calculate the points. Gryffindor has -100 million points, Ravenclaw has -14 million points, Hufflepuff has -7 million points and Slytherin has one point. Now, I would like to award some last-minute points."

Clearing his throat, he started, "To Harry Potter, for being less of a dumbass than usual, I would like to award 25 million points to Gryffindor. To Hermione Granger, for being exceptionally chill, I would like to award 50 million points to Gryffindor. To Ron Weasley, for displaying proper whipping technique, I would like to award 50 million points to Gryffindor. To Draco Malfoy, for being extremely creepy, I would like to award 25 million points to Slytherin."

"Wait a minute!" Harry yelled, "He's not in Gryffindor! He shouldn't be getting any points in this scene!"

After silencing Harry temporarily by chucking a textbook halfway across the hall, Dumbledore continued, "And being turned into a rock, two nickels and a dime kind of sucks, so I award Neville Longbottom two points for Gryffindor."

"Wait," said Harry, waking up from his blunt-force-trauma induced coma, "He's in our house?"

"Yeah, but he never shows up for class," Ron explained.

Voldemort, chilling on top of a snake in the basement, heard what happened and went, "Lolwut."

The End