Disclaimer: the characters belong to JK Rowling, I just thought of this little plot and I am making no money from it.
Losing a Lost Cause
It had been years since she had seen him. Years since she had had any contact with him at all. But that didn't surprise her . After all he managed to keep himself completely concealed for years before she had accidentally stumbled upon him.
It all happened four years after the fateful night at Hogwarts where so many met their end. Hermione had carried on with her life the best she could in spite of the losses. Harry had become an Auror, and Ron was working with George on Weasly's Wizard Wheezes. Hermione had decided to travel a bit then came back and became a top wizarding lawyer.
She was working on a case in a small village on the west coast of Scotland. Nothing out of the ordinary, just return the objects of a will to a hard to track owner. It had taken very little time to finish her business once she had found the witch that they belonged to, so she had decided to stop at the café nearby for lunch. It had been the last thing she had to do today, and she was in no rush to get home to her empty flat.
Lunch hadn't been anything special, nice enough for the price but not astounding. Hermione checked her watch, to see it was only 4pm. She decided she may as well do some food shopping while she was here. There was a grocer a little way down the road and she went in. That was when she saw him. Someone she thought she would never see again. She turned her back to him as he turned to walk to the door. She was sure he wouldn't be happy to see her; he had obviously worked so hard to stop anyone from finding him.
When she was sure it was safe she turned round and followed him out on to the street and from a distance shadowed him to a small cottage on the outskirts of the village. It was nothing out of the ordinary. Just a white washed building with a small garden and a fence.
He disappeared as soon as he reached the doorstep. Like Hermione had assumed, the house was magically protected. It didn't matter; she didn't really want to speak to him.
That night she returned home and wrote a letter to him. Nothing huge, just a note saying that she had seen him and was shocked and surprised. A cordial note saying it was nice to see him so well and sent her regards. Her position at the ministry had given her some useful spells to ensure he got it.
She didn't expect a reply, so when she saw his thin scrawl across the envelope she almost knocked over her morning cup of tea.
Miss Granger,
I cannot deny that I was surprised to have received a letter from you. Also I cannot deny my displeasure at said letter.
Thank you for warm words and general concern, I am well and solitude suits me.
Severus Snape
That was it, three lines. Well that was much more than she had expected. For a few weeks she thought no more of it.
When clearing out her kitchen drawers she came across the letter again and felt drawn to the little village once more If only to get another glimpse of him. It was like a thrilling secret, she knew where he was, and no one else did. It almost excited her.
She found herself once again in the little village of Acharacle. She made her way to his cottage and watched the door lest he would appear. After about half an hour she decided to wander round to the back of the house, but still he didn't appear.
Feeling bold she walked up to the front door. She hadn't even placed her foot on the doorstep when the door was flung open.
'Why?' Severus asked angrily.
Hermione stood there shocked, mouth open and eyes wide. It took all her strength not to turn and apparate on the spot.
'Well? Why do you feel the need to stalk me? I have watched you for the past hour watching my cottage.'
'I just wanted to ….' She trailed off.
What could she say? I just wanted to see you? No that sounded stupid. I just wanted to speak to you? What would she say?
'You just wanted to make my life a misery? Well you had been doing that very well at school, now I fear you shall insist on doing it again,' he said still staring at her from the door.
'Nice to see you haven't changed Professor,' Hermione said.
'I'm no longer yours or anyone else's professor, Miss Granger.' He watched her for a moment longer, noting how she made no move to go away. 'I suppose you would like to come in?'
It wasn't really a question as he turned and walked up the hall as soon as he had finished speaking. Hermione followed him inside and closed the door behind her.
The hall was dark and the only light came from an open door at the end of it. Hermione walked up and found the door opened onto a kitchen with a very large, roughly hewn wooden table, reminiscent of those from the potions classroom at Hogwarts. This made Hermione smile inwardly.
Severus put two steaming mugs on the table and motioned for her to sit down.
'I would say it is nice to see you, but my days of lies and deception ended years ago.'
Hermione smiled wryly and sipped her tea.
'I'm sorry Prof… Mr Snape.' It felt weird calling him that. 'I can explain my actions no more than you can. I suppose curiosity is the only thing that brought me here.'
'Curiosity? What is it you're curious about?'
'Well, how you're still alive for one thing. Harry, Ron and I all thought we saw you die that night.'
'Yes of course you did. You saw what you were meant to see. I knew for some time the Dark Lord would extinguish me when he no longer needed me. I knew from the moment he obtained the Elder Wand that he would assume that killing me would enable him to be its master. I also know I was never intended to be the wands master. Dumbledore and I planned it so carefully.'
Severus went quiet at the mention of Dumbledore; the subject still obviously caused some pain.
'But how did you survive that snake attack?'
'A potion. Simple as that. And simple solutions are usually the most effective. He would kill me one of two ways, and I would only ever survive one of them. Luckily for me he chose the one I would survive. Had he chosen to dipose of me himself I know I would not have survived. So I took a potion and went to him. I shall not pretend it didn't hurt. No it was quite painful, and the venom did knock me unconscious for several hours. But the potion was designed to disable the snake venom and heal the wounds; I have seen it attack too many times. I knew how it would try to dispose of me.'
Hermione said nothing, she just watched the man before her talk. He wasn't really talking to her; she knew that much. He seemed to be talking to mid air. The years of solitude seemed to show in his inability to remember that someone else was there. His eyes showed he was indeed reliving those final moments before he left Hogwarts forever.
Hermione waved her wand and re-filled the near empty mugs. The action seemed to bring Severus back from the dark recesses of his memories.
'Forgive me I am no longer used to having other people around.'
'That is quite understandable," Hermione said quietly. 'Although what is less understandable is why you never returned to Hogwarts or even to wizarding society.'
Severus looked at her and for a fleeting moment Hermione saw the trace of a sarcastic smirk cross his face.
'I never intended to return. It holds too many things I would rather forget. I wasn't popular. I killed Dumbledore. I let Harry's mother die, and I am an ex-death eater. I can hardly see the magical society welcoming me back can you?'
'But we saw how brave you had been! We knew that was what Dumbledore had wanted you to do! You were a hero.'
'Yes and that's the way it should be left. Let them think I died a hero. It is preferable to having those who like me fawning over me, or those who didn't, hurl abuse at me. I did it all for Lily not for them. The memory of me is all I leave to the magical world.'
Hermione understood what he meant. They needed someone to condemn and exonerate. His memory did just that.
Hermione got up and banished her mug to the sink.
'Goodbye, it was almost nice talking to you. Rest assured your location will remain a secret. As will the truth.'
She walked down the hall towards the front door and opened it. Stepping into the sunlight, she turned to shut the door behind her only to find him standing there.
'If you are ever here again Miss Granger…' he stopped, 'yes it was almost nice talking to you too.'
She smiled slightly and Disapparited.
She had made several trips to see him after that. Sparsely at first, but gradually the visits became more frequent and more comfortable. Now she no longer had to wait for him to open the door. He had given her his unlocking spell so that if he wasn't in she was allowed to wait in the kitchen for him to return.
She kept him up to date on anything magical related that he asked about. Sometimes she would bring him things from the apothecary that he was unable to grow or obtain without letting his identity be known. She delivered the monthly potions publication to him.
Things between them became almost friendly. More scarily, Hermione felt herself growing deeply attracted to him. She lit up on the rare occasions that she made him smile. She delighted when his hand brushed hers. She found herself just sat there, staring into space, not really listening to him but hearing his voice, which sometimes sent chills down her spine.
Being the disciplined young lady that she was, she didn't act on any of these feelings but remained completely composed and carried on as she always had.
It took three years before anything romantic happened. Hermione had called in one night after work with food for tea, as had become their custom on a Friday night. She went straight to the kitchen with the bags and started to cook.
After some time Severus came into the kitchen, not at all surprised to see her.
'What is it tonight?' he asked picking the magazine she had brought up and scanning the cover.
'Nothing exciting really. Pasta and sauce. I bought a couple of bottles of wine; do they meet with sir's approval?'
Severus glanced at them and made a noise Hermione had taken to mean yes.
After dinner they sat in the small living room. The wine was good, and they had already drunk both bottles, but they of course had magic to refill them.
They talked into the small hours of the morning, as was usual. Both sat on the long sofa, Hermione had removed her shoes and sat leaning on the arm of the chair with her legs drawn up in front of her, facing him. He leaned into the back of the sofa, his right foot resting on his left knee.
'I think I should be going soon Severus. I'm drunk'
'You're welcome to stay here,' he said not looking at her.
If she didn't know him better she would have assumed his offer was more than a friendly gesture.
'No I impose on you far too much. I should get home.'
She stood up, and Severus followed suit. She assumed he was going to walk her to the door until she felt his hand on her arm. She froze. A jolt shot from her arm to her abdomen. She turned to look into his eyes but was pulled immediately into a greedy lust fuelled kiss, which had both of them at its mercy. Her hands entwined in his hair, his holding her close to him.
When they separated, neither said a word but threw themselves into another frantic kiss almost immediately. Their heads woozy from wine, and their bodies preoccupied with other things, they fell back onto the sofa. As if making up for years of lost time their hands started to feverishly search for the buttons and fastening of each others clothes. Without breaking their frenetic kisses they found themselves free of clothes-that prohibited progress towards their mutual aim.
Hermione was straddling his lap; his hands held her hips, and their lips still refused to be separated. Hermione slid him inside her and heard him moan at the sensation of something he had no doubt not felt in years. If truth be told she hadn't been intimate with anyone in the last few years either. This felt good for both of them. Frantic, but not rushed, sex fulfilled both their desires and left them both panting half naked on the sofa.
From that night they became a couple, although it was never said in so many words. Severus still refused to let the world know he wasn't dead. This infuriated Hermione. It meant they very rarely went out, and if they did he was disguised, usually as some handsome young man he obviously thought Hermione should indeed be in a relationship with.
Aside from the usual things their relationship flourished. The sex was passionate and lust filled. Their kisses where always greedy and their conversations intelligent and engaging for both of them.
It was a love Severus never thought he could ever have felt, not after Lily. Although when he was left alone he started to compare Hermione to his old paramour.
Then one day he was gone. His house was deserted, and he had left no trace or reason for his sudden flight.
For weeks she jumped at every noise at the door, every owl made her heart leap lest he try to contact her. Nothing, not a single hint of where or why.
She slammed doors, and threw objects across rooms in her more violent fits of rage and frustration.
After a while the pain wasn't quite so raw and the undeniable feeling of loneliness started to descend.
Despair gave way to hatred at his thoughtless, selfish actions. She started pushing memories of him to the back of her mind. Packing them away roughly, in brown paper.
She went back to his house once more to collect any possessions of hers she may have left. A thin film of dust had settled on everything. She found she had left nothing there expect her heart. She slammed the front door behind her, and with that she left to carry on her life as if she had never met him. She shed no tears over him.
For many years she lived a happy life. Although she never married or even found a permanent male fixture in her life she was content to carry on regardless. She never did understand why she never told anyone about Severus. Maybe some small part of her wanted to protect him even now, even after what he had done to her. She didn't know. She no longer cared. She had long ago written him off as the one that had gotten away. Again.
Chapter 2
Severus took one more look around the cottage. He had to leave, didn't he? He couldn't, no he wouldn't, let himself ruin her life the way he had ruined Lily's or Albus's or even his mothers. He was Midas in reverse.
Nothing in the house held much value for him, save the letter in Lily's handwriting he had taken from 12 Grimmauld place and a book Hermione had give him. He peered out of the window to make sure that Hermione had indeed Disapparated.
Looking up, he could see the sky was cloudless and the stars twinkled at him, mocking him. He took his broom, an old Nimbus 1500, from the hallway cupboard and stepped out of the front door. Flying seemed a much better option than apparition, unless she knew he would leave she couldn't put a trace on his broom. And Apparition was far too easy to trace for a Ministry member. No, flying was the best way to do this.
He mounted his broom and cast an illusionment charm before stowing his wand in his robes and kicking off from the ground. The wind filled his robes, and they billowed out in a dramatic, almost pantomime, way. The rushing air seemed to clear his senses and whistle through his mind.
He wasn't entirely sure where he was heading; the broom seemed to be drawing him somewhere. There were lights below him, masses of them. He disregarded his course, and his mind wandered.
Did he love her? Of course he did! What sort of stupid question was that? Then why run away? Because if he didn't, he would end up hurting her. Why? He didn't know, but he would. Everything he loved turned sour, especially when he tried to make it better. Lily, his mother, Albus… He didn't need her demise bloodying his hands as well.
His mind was elsewhere and he was flying as if on autopilot when the broom had begun to descend among the tall buildings and shining lights of the city. He recognised his surrounds instantly, The Leaky Cauldron.
He ducked inside and Tom nodded to him, gave a slight wink and poured a large measure of whiskey into a glass. Tom set the tumbler on the bar with a clink and gestured to an empty booth in the corner of the room.
He might look like a hunchback potato, but Tom was a shrewd and wise, he was also mute when it was required of him. Especially if it meant he got more business. Severus left enough money to pay for the drink twice, money always helped secure Tom's silence.
Severus took his drink and his broom and settled himself in the booth. The whiskey left a pleasant burning in his throat, and the fireplace could be clearly seen from his seat, emitting much needed warmth.
He didn't know where he was going to live, after all the cottage had been the last safe place he had owned. Should he stay in the city? Or maybe the country. No not the country. She would definitely think he would go back there. He couldn't risk her finding him again.
He was staring into the fire, his eyes blank, deep in thought. Leaning on the table, his thumb running over his bottom lip, he looked like he was pondering the meaning of life, not just where to live.
He wished he could go back to Hogwarts for the first time in an age. Go back and find solace in the dusty silence of the library, or subdued splendour of the Hogwarts staff common room. But these things were not going to happen. This was the first time in seven years he had come anywhere near a place of magic. Maybe he should stay here tonight.
No he couldn't, every minute spent here or near here, was another minute closer to being discovered. He had to move tonight, probably to a muggle hotel or inn.
For a split second he considered going back to Spinner's End. That thought was quashed almost as soon as it had entered his mind. He couldn't go back there. It had been hard enough to return when he had fled Hogwarts the first time. He couldn't live in there with the haunting memory of his mother in everything within the house. His eyes prickled at the memory of finding her bloodied body on her bed, the light in her eyes extinguished. That was what he had got for being seen talking to Dumbledore. He had been spotted when he was begging the old man to save Lily and they had killed his mother as a warning to him.
With haste, he blinked back tears and threw the rest of his drink to the back of his throat before slamming the glass down. He collected his broom and straightened his cloak.
'Nice seeing you again sir.' Tom said, a twinkle in his eye, as Severus left the bar.
Outside the air seemed colder in comparison to the heat of the fireside booth. The night was still, and the stars still winked at him among their clear velvet darkness. He looked around him before taking out his wand and shrinking his broomstick, so he was able to stow it in his robes. It wouldn't help his secrecy to be seen carrying a broom conspicuously round Muggle London. He started walking, trying to look were he was going. His feet seemed to be taking him somewhere without telling his brain exactly where.
Before he could think too much on his direction he found himself in a square facing a row of three story terraced town houses. Behind him was a large park, the street lights picked out benches, some occupied with sleeping figures.
So this is where he was to rest tonight? 12 Grimmauld place? Severus shuddered at the thought of what waited within.
The house had been neglected since Harry had stayed there during what was supposed to have been his 7th year in Hogwarts. Severus didn't know why he had never come back to the house his godfather had left him. Possibly for the same reasons he wouldn't return to Spinner's End. All he knew right now was it was preferable to spending a night outside.
He mounted the steps and entered the doorway. The horrible rotting figure of Albus rose up and dashed towards him.
'I did not murder you.' He whispered once his tongue had loosened.
He made his way down the hallway to the living room. Despite the layer of dust on everything the house was tidy. Kreatcher had done his masters proud. Severus sat on the couch, his elbows resting on his knees, his head bowed and his fingers rubbing his temples.
'Well Severus you've done it again.' He said quietly to himself.
His mind flashed through images of Lily and his mother, his time with the Death Eaters and finally coming to rest on the image of the eyes of Albus Dumbledore. The memory of his eyes pleading with Severus to kill him. The flash of green light and Severus had lost the only real friend in this world, again.
He mentally shook himself and kicked his boots off. The couch wasn't comfortable but it would have to do for tonight. He pulled his cloak around him and lay down, closing his eyes in the hope that if he simulated sleep, Morpheus would take pity on him and invite him into dreamland.
It hadn't taken long for him to succumb to sleep and the next thing he remembered seeing was the bright red of his own eyelids as the sun shone on him through the window.
It was several moments before his eyes adjusted to the light and he could remember why he was still dressed and in a dusty living room. The room looked even more depressing in daylight than it had last night.
Severus lit a fire in the grate and removed his cloak. Without bothering with his boots he padded into the kitchen in search of a kettle and possibly some tea, although coffee would have been preferable, he remembered from the days of order meetings that this house very rarely had coffee in it.
In a cluttered cupboard he found a dented kettle, a jar on the side had held tea bags. He knew there would be no milk; the house was after all empty. It didn't really matter; he would have his tea black. He took the tea making apparatus back to the living room, which was now starting to warm up a little.
After his, very unsatisfying, cup of hot brown liquid, Severus turned his thoughts to where to live. He couldn't squat here, despite the convenience, he had his pride. He would have to venture into muggle London and find an abode there. At least muggles knew nothing of him.
The hat stand still held some muggle coats, and some weren't that moth eaten. And they would certainly be unremarkable compared to a full length black travelling cloak. He found a woollen, double breasted frock coat that didn't have too many holes in. It hung a little loosely but since when did he care overtly about his appearance, at least it would be warm.
Outside the dank and depressing house, the sun shone brightly in the clear autumnal sky. His wand and broom safely in his pocket and his cloak now the size of a hanky he made his way down the steps onto the leaf scattered street.
He dug his hands into the pockets and walked in the opposite direction to the Leaky Cauldron, intending to stay well away from there in day light, it would not be conducive to anonymity.
It was mid afternoon before he found a dwelling which he liked. A below ground apartment in Clapham. It was small but not cramped. He had managed to confound the estate agent into thinking she had mislaid the paper work and got the key within an hour of finding the flat.
An hour later he had moved himself in quite happily. The flat was already furnished; the previous owner had had a penchant for chintz and lace, and from the smell, cats.
It would serve its purpose for now, he could alter it later.
Severus adapted to his new way of life surprisingly quickly. In fact, he had rather started to enjoy it. Freedom and seclusion once more! Although Hermione still haunted him when he let his mind wander, unwatched, amongst his memories.
Then it happened. Severus had decided that he could no longer stare at the four walls of his apartment and on the pretence of getting some milk had escaped to the open air of Clapham common. In reality if it was just milk he had wanted the shop was not 5 metres from his front door. He trod carefully on the icy paths, watching his breath appear before him and disappear just as quickly. Around him people were walking dogs and children, wrapped up like crockery on moving day, were chasing each other over the crisp frosted grass.
Severus noticed a large black Labrador bounding around a girl playfully. She too was bundled up against the cold, a tight fitting wool hat on her head, frizzy brown hair pouring out absurdly, from beneath it. He watched her trying to take the stick the dog had found, without much luck.
'Give it to me.' She called patting her knees.
Severus froze, and not just because of the weather. That voice chilled him, he felt like a dementor had appeared suddenly.
'Come on Sirius, give me the stick.'
It was her. She was there in front of him, no more than 10 feet away, oblivious to him, thankfully. He didn't know what to do, turn around? No that would look odd, anyway that was the way she was walking. Carry on? What if she saw him? He shrugged himself further into his coat and scarf and carried on walking, his fists clenched in his pockets and his head bowed.
For the briefest moment he thought he had escaped her.
'Severus?' he could feel rage and surprise dripping from every syllable.
He turned around to see the face of Miss Hermione 'Know-It-All' Granger, looking ludicrously comical in a large scarf and woolly hat, with that ridiculous hair spilling about her.
'Hermione,' he said with a curt nod, while internally his innards were doing a sort of quick step.
'I see you've moved.'
'Yes I…'
'When were you planning to tell me?'
The dog she had been playing with, having been ignored was now sat complacently by her side, panting and watching the goings on around him.
'I wasn't planning to,' he said matter of factly.
Internally he congratulated himself for still being able to hide his feelings and seem aloof when dealing with a situation that made him uncomfortable.
'I see,' she said, those two words screamed her feelings.
For several moments she just stared at him. Severus now saw her eyes were edged with water, which had not been there a few minutes ago.
'Why?' she asked quietly, her voice wavering.
'This isn't the place for explanations' he stated plainly.
'May we find a place that is then?'
Severus hesitated. Hermione read his silence with complete understanding. She produced a scrap of paper and a pencil with a much chewed end.
'This is my address.' She scribbled it down on the paper. 'Should you wish to acquiesce to my request for some much needed answers.'
She held it out to him with a mitten covered hand. After a painful empty silence he reached out and took it.
Electricity was almost audibly crackling in the air between the pair. Although he wanted to walk away and let her write him off as a bastard, he couldn't quite do it.
'Would you like a coffee?' he asked as she was preparing to go.
She turned round and looked into his face, blinking back tears.
'Yes, Severus I would.'
He gestured to the other end of the common, 'There is a good café just over there.'
She patted her leg to call the dog to her and followed Severus across the common.
His hands were dug deeply into his coat, and he walked with purpose, inwardly berating himself for giving in to temptation and desire.
'You look well,' he said not looking at her.
'Thank you, so do you. London seems to agree with you.'
He didn't say anything.
'Have you been busy?' she offered.
'Not as much as I would like to be.'
After this, silence reigned until they reached the little café. It was unremarkable, homely but not overly so. Hermione tied Sirius up next to the bowl of water specially left out for dogs.
They ordered their drinks and sat in one corner of the room, in mismatched chintz armchairs. Hermione removed her outdoor wear with haste, the café was sweltering compared the chill air of London.
They ordered their drinks and found a quiet corner by the window. The café's interior looked like a second hand furniture shop, or Sybil Trelawney's divination classroom, all mismatched chairs and coffee tables.
They were still sat in silence as the waitress brought over their order. Severus felt the coffee warm him inside and tried to ignore the icy glare come from Hermione's searching eyes.
'Don't think I found it easy to leave.' The words tumbled from his mouth as he opened it to take a sip of coffee.
He hadn't meant to say it; he didn't want to have said it.
'Well that's nice.' Hermione replied curtly, 'as long as I wasn't too easy to give up without a second thought. I suppose that is supposed to make this better in some way?'
'It's not like that. Its not that I wanted to leave… I just couldn't stay.'
Hermione raised an eyebrow questioningly.
'What on earth is that suppose to mean? 'I just couldn't stay.' Of course you could have, by not disappearing without a trace.'
He said nothing. He looked into his coffee cup before putting it down and standing up.
'I'm glad to see you're well Hermione.' He picked up his coat and pulled it on.
Hermione was still sat looking up at him.
He left the café and started walking back towards home. He turned a corner as soon as there was one to turn and waited there leaning against the wall. He heard the footsteps pounding up the pavement towards him. He had expected them and that was precisely why he had stopped. He didn't want her to follow him home, to know where he lived.
She ran past him, her dog running behind her, tongue lolling, thinking it was a new game. He heard the footsteps stop and a cry of frustration rent the air, she had obviously realised he wasn't around.
He Disapparated, appearing seconds later outside his front door. He let himself in, threw his keys at the wall and slammed the door. He was thankful this place was unplottable, lest Hermione should trace him.
He hated himself.
He threw himself into an arm chair and stared at the wall opposite. Why was he angry with her? She hadn't been trying to find him, he had stumbled upon her. He wasn't angry with her refally, he was angry with himself. He could have handled the situation a lot better. He didn't have to be so harsh, so cruel.
Why break the habit of a lifetime hey?
He shut the thought up and stood up to remove his coat and hang it on the stand by the front door. He turned to walk to the kitchen and saw a piece of paper on the floor. It was Hermione's address.
Severus grabbed his coat again and headed back out of the front door.