((Disclaimer: Naruto is by no means mine, this is purely a work of fiction, no profit is being made.))

Dear Jiraiya,

enclosed, a cactus.

Pointedly not missing you,

Oro x.

Dear Oro (x - Whoever the hell you are and whatever the hell you've done to my (ex)-teammate),

Spirals are swirly,

Narutos are too,

This cactus looks girly,

And so do you.

(No, seriously man, lose the hair. But, hey, thanks, this cactus stings almost as bad as your abandonment.)

Dear Jiraiya,

I do hope that you're not still attempting to publish your godawful mindspawns, that last one was just pathetic.

Enclosed, a dictionary.

Still not missing you,

Oro x.

P.s. Met Tsunade in Iwa Monday, said to tell you whatever you did to Tonton (the hell?) was Not Funny.

Dear Oro,

Like the cold winds flow

Art cannot be judgd by

those who r phools

P.s. am d runk while writuing this

P.p.p.p.p.s. did nothing to ton ten (tenten? tenton?)

Dear Jiraiya,

oh, Kami, why?

Enclosed, paracetamol.

Oro x.

Dear Oro,

suppose the look on your face was worth the hangover I had the next morning, yes? Hm, thought so.

So, whats up?

Too good to end my letters properly,

Jiraiya

P.s. Thanks for the painkillers man, you're a lifesaver.

P.p.s Or, well, not considering stem cell research and the like.

Dear Jiraiya,

yes, I suppose it was. The face of my partner, however was better.

Enclosed, a photograph.

Oro x.

P.s. Do not be fooled by his young appearance, he's actually Pinocchio with a minor dye- and nose-job.

Dear Oro,

hahahahahahahaha.

Muahahahahahahaha

Bwahahahahahahahaha.

Kekekekekekekekekekeke.

Fufufufufufufufufufufufufufufu.

Laughing far to hard for coherent correspondance,

Jiraiya, the Great.

P.s. What do you think of grand entrances? I was thinking of making one for myself...

Dear Jiraiya,

no, just no. If it weren't for that grammar rule that says the first word in the body of a letter should be lowercase, that would even be a No.

Don't go there.

Enclosed, Common Sense, by T. Paine

Oro x.

P.s. Glad to see you're still easily amused.

Dear Oro,

but why not? Whine. I think it would look awesome on me! Never mind the fact that an entrance is not something you can physically wear or, yeah, shutting up now.

Dear Jiraiya,

heard about that stunt you pulled in Suna. Did you have to call the Kazekage a fat old geezer and flirt with his advisor? (Who, on a tangent, is way ancient and also 'soris grandma.)

Ah, well, can't teach an old dog new tricks.

Enclosed, a doggy snack.

Oro x.

Dear Oro,

now that's just insulting. (She's a grandma, really? Like, no shit? Dude, I friggen' snogged her!)

Grossed out,

Jiraiya, who is decidedly green in the face.

Dear Jiraiya,

blarg.

Enclosed, mouthwash.

Oro x.

P.s. Sasori sends the extra bottle and his condolences.

Dear Oro,

the hell was that thing you pulled back in Kumo? Did you lose your last vestiges of humanity along with your morals when you left?

Disgusted.

Dear Oro,

answer me.

Still disgusted.

Dear Oro,

why the hell aren't you writing back? It's not like you even care about that village (or what you did to it…)

Perturbed.

Dear Oro,

now this is just going too far. I'll snob you too.

Snobbing you.

Dear Oro,

You haven't written in three months. You're not injured are you? Come on, man, write me back.

Worried. (Yes, about you, you moron.)

Dear Jiraiya,

please don't talk about it.

Enclosed, nothing.

Dear Oro,

woah, shit man, you alright? What happened?

Worriedly yours,

Jiraiya the Great.

P.s. I can tell somethings wrong because you didn't end the letter properly. Whatever happened to make you ignore the rules of language must have been pretty harsh.

Dear Jiraiya,

I said that I don't wish to talk about it.

On the side, it's Valentines Day.

Enclosed, a cactus, with (platonic) love.

Oro x.

Dear Oro,

Spirals are swirly,

Narutos are too,

This cactus doesn't look girly,

But you still do.

Enclosed, music, it amused me.

Jiraiya the Great.

"…And in the sea there is a fish

A fish that has a secret wish

A wish to be a big cactus

With a pink flower on it

And the flower

Would be its offering

Of love to the desert

And the desert

So dry and lonely

That the creatures all

Appreciate the effort

And the rattlesnake said

I wish I had hands so

I could hug you like a man

And then the cactus said

Don't you understand

My skin is covered

With sharp spikes

That'll stab you

Like a thousand knives

A hug would be nice

But hug my flower

With your eyes..."

(A/N: Lyrics from Kimya Dawsons song 'Tree Hugger'. Not mine, never will be.)