Dedicated to the people on the jp mailing list. Just because!
AN: This is a sequel to my weird fic CHAOS. It's a Rent/POTO/Cats/Les Mis crossover. I do not own any of these characters, I'm just borrowing them. I promise to put them back where I found them.
I have an unhealthy fascination with boybands, which you will notice in this story. I'll probably write an essay about them someday. Just to warn you. The songs mentioned are not written by me. They're written by Max Martin, Rami, Kristian Lundin, Jake and Andreas Carlsson. But since they're all cool Swedish people, just like me, I'm sure they won't mind me using them.
Anyway. On with the story. Enjoy!
BAD GUYS CLUB
MACAVITY: Welcome to the annual meeting of the Bad Guys Club.
JAVERT: Nooo! Why can't you ever do it right?
MACAVITY: You really want to put me in a respirator, don't you?
ERIK: Oh, come on, Mackie, humour Javert.
MACAVTIY: Don't call me Mackie!
ERIK: Sorry! Oh, ye mighty Napoleon of Crime, would you please humour Javert.
MACAVITY: *sighs* Fine. *takes a very deep breath* Welcome to the annual meeting of the Characters Who Are Often Mistaken For Really Evil And Bad Guys But Who Really Only Are Misunderstood And Who Would Really Like To Get Some More Appreciation Club. *gasps for air*
JAVERT: Thank you!
ERIK: There's a lot of "really" in that thing. Who came up with it anyway?
JAVERT: I did.
ERIK: And what a nice name it is! *coughs* So, what did we decide on our last meeting?
MACAVITY: Don't look at me, Benny's the secretary. I'm the treasurer.
JAVERT: Do we even have any money?
MACAVITY: Nope! It's such an easy job.
BENNY: *on his cellphone* Allison, honey, I can't hear you all that well… uh huh… it could be because I'm on the other side of the Atlantic.
ERIK: Benny.
BENNY: *on the phone* Honey, if your father calls, just tell him I'm in France.
ERIK: Benny!
BENNY: *on his phone* No, you wouldn't be lying this time, sweetie, I am in France.
ERIK: BENNY!!!
BENNY: *on his phone* Ok, I have to go now. Talk to you later, bye! *to ERIK* What?
ERIK: Finally! Last meeting, protocol, read, please!
BENNY: Oh, yeah, sure. Ok, let's see. *reads from a piece of paper* We are all very under-appreciated, except Erik, because his musical is named after him. None of us is loved, except me, 'cause I'm married. Mackie and Erik don't know if they die or not. Javert cried a lot and Erik was playing shrink. *looks up* That's it.
JAVERT: *sniffs* I did not cry a lot.
ERIK: Some people appreciate my help, thankyouverymuch. For your information, I've helped Meg with her eating disorder, and André with his stress symptoms. The theatre is a much happier place now.
MACAVITY: What about Raoul and Christine? Seems to me like they are the ones who really need help.
ERIK: Oh, please! Those two are beyond all repair! They sit around gazing lovingly into each other's eyes all day long. I don't think anyone has found a cure for that yet.
BENNY: So, what are we doing today?
MACAVITY: The usual, I guess.
BENNY: Oh, you mean whining, moaning, crying and feeling sorry for ourselves in general?
ERIK: Yeah, basically.
BENNY: God, that's pathetic.
JAVERT: Hey!
MACAVITY: Benny's right! We have to do something! We have to act! We got to fight for our right!
ERIK: *hums* To party! *receives evil glare from Macavity* Sorry. Got a bit carried away there.
JAVERT: Fight for our right to what?
MACAVITY: Our right to get more appreciation. We have to make people see that we are nice guys. I'm tired of the fact that the basic plot in 95% of all cats-fics is that I catnap some poor, innocent kitten. I would never do such a thing! I want the world to know that. It's my right. And I won't give up! There are ways that a people can fight, we shall overcome their power!
BENNY: Golf claps.
ERIK: Oh, God, he's turning into Enjolras.
JAVERT: I agree with you, Mackie, but how do we make people listen to us.
MACAVITY: Easy. We go on strike.
BENNY, ERIK, and JAVERT: What?
MACAVITY: A strike! I'd like to see just how well they'd manage without us.
BENNY: What do you mean?
MACAVITY: Well, take Rent without you for example. There's not much point in having a musical called Rent, if no one has to pay the rent, is there?
BENNY: Ah, I see where you're going with this.
MACAVITY: And The Phantom of the Opera wouldn't be much worth without the actual Phantom.
ERIK: I like the way you think, Mackie!
MACAVITY: And just imagine Cats without me. Ha! People could just as well stay home and watch a National Geographics show on kittens instead.
ERIK: Wow, Mackie, this is pretty good.
JAVERT: *coughs*
MACAVITY: Oh, Javvie. Well, Les Mis without Javert, that would be… eh… oh, I'm sure some of the fans would miss you.
JAVERT: *sniffs*
BENNY: Oh, great. Here we go again.
ERIK: Don't be like that, Benny! At least Javert is letting his feelings out. You just keep repressing your emotions. It's not good! It's bound to explode some day. I'm getting all kinds of aggressive vibes from you.
BENNY: Yeah? Well, if you don't shut up, aggressive vibes isn't the only thing you're gonna get.
MACAVITY: Now, now, don't fight, boys.
BENNY: *pouts* He started it.
ERIK: *pouts even more* Did not!
BENNY: Did too!
MACAVITY: I don't care who started it, just cut it out!
ERIK, BENNY: Yes daddy.
MACAVITY: Whatever. Can we please go back to my idea now? The strike. Are you with me on this?
JAVERT: Yes, of course.
ERIK: Yeah, count me in.
BENNY: Sure, but haven't you forgotten one thing, Mackie?
MACAVITY: What would that be?
BENNY: The financial aspect. If we go on strike, we don't make any money.
MACAVITY: Oh, I didn't think about that.
BENNY: I need money, you know. I have expenses.
JAVERT: And I have a family to support.
*silence*
MACAVITY: No, you don't.
JAVERT: Fine! Just rub it in! I'm all alone. No one loves me. Thanks for reminding me. Some friends you are! *starts to cry*
BENNY: Oh, God.
ERIK: *hugs Javert* Don't cry, Javvie. There's someone out there for everyone. You just haven't found Miss Right yet.
JAVERT: *sniffs* Really? Promise?
ERIK: I promise.
BENNY: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Back to the point. If we go on strike we need to make money some other way. Any ideas?
MACAVITY: Uhm.
JAVERT: *sniffs*
ERIK: Maybe… no.
MACAVITY: Eh.
BENNY: What if… nah.
MACAVITY: Uh.
ERIK: Oh! Oh oh oh! Oh! I know!
BENNY: What?
ERIK: I have the best idea!
MACAVITY: Tell us!
ERIK: I can't believe I haven't thought about it before. It's perfect!
JAVERT: Well, what is it?
ERIK: God, I'm so smart!
BENNY: ERIK!!! Stop praising yourself, and just tell us about it, will ya?
ERIK: Let's form a boyband!
*silence*
BENNY: Ha ha. Very funny, Erik. Now, does anyone have any serious ideas?
ERIK: But I am serious! It would be perfect for us. We're boys and we know how to sing. How hard can it be? And do you know how much money those groups make?
MACAVITY: But a boyband? Their songs are so stupid.
ERIK: No, they're not! We could easily replace some of our songs in the musicals with boyband songs.
JAVERT: What are you talking about?
ERIK: Well, you could use one in your confrontation with Jean Valjean. How about:
"There's nowhere to run.
You have no place to go.
Surrender your heart, body and soul."
JAVERT: Hmm, I kind of like that.
MACAVITY: *whispers to Benny* I always suspected Javvie wanted Valjean to surrender his heart to him.
BENNY: *to Macavity* You've been reading too much slash fiction now again. I told you to cut down on that.
ERIK: And Benny, you're always on the phone with Muffy…
BENNY: Allison!
ERIK: …you could use some lines from The Call.
"Listen baby I'm sorry
Just wanna tell you don't worry
I will be late don't stay up and wait for me
Say again
You're dropping out
My battery is low
Just so you know
We're goin' to a place nearby
Gotta go"
BENNY: Not bad… not bad at all…
ERIK: Mackie, why not try to convince Demeter to choose you by slandering Munkustrap a bit?
"Listen, I mean it. There's nothing that he's worthy of.
He's just another player, playing in the name of love.
I've seen enough, now this must come to an end. Get another boyfriend!"
MACAVITY: Hey, that could work!
JAVERT: But Munkustrap isn't like that, is he?
MACAVITY: And you point is…?
BENNY: What about you, Erik. Don't you have a song?
ERIK: Sure! You know, I've never liked my exit from my musical. It's so stupid. I seem like such a wimp! I want something cooler, something tougher, like:
"Don't wanna be a fool for you
Just another player in your game for two
You may hate me but it ain't no lie
Baby, bye bye bye
Bye bye
Don't really wanna make it tough
I just wanna tell you that I had enough
Might sound crazy but it ain't no lie
Baby, bye bye bye"
BENNY: Wow, Erik, you really know a lot about boybands.
ERIK: Thanks!
BENNY: I didn't exactly mean that as a compliment. I meant it more in the way of: Wow, Erik, when did you turn into a fourteen-year-old girl?
ERIK: Hey! I live in a basement! Do you think that's fun? It's not! Rowing back and forth on a lake gets boring pretty fast. So I watch a lot of MTV, ok?
BENNY: Ok, sorry! Don't have a heart attack.
MACAVITY: Well, I have to admit it, Erik. It's a pretty good idea.
ERIK: I said so, didn't I? So, are you with me on this?
MACAVITY: Sure, I'm in!
JAVERT: Sounds great to me.
BENNY: Yeah, all right.
AUTHOR: Hi guys. I hate to interrupt, but…
MACAVITY: Argh!
JAVERT: Oh, no!
ERIK: Now what?
BENNY: Look, I thought we agreed that you would stay out of this story. What are you doing here?
AUTHOR: I'm really sorry, it's just that I think you've forgotten something.
BENNY: And that would be…?
AUTHOR: Boyband-members generally have a certain look, if you see what I mean.
*blank stares*
AUTHOR: They don't just look like anyone.
*more blank stares*
AUTHOR: They're cute!
MACAVITY: Are you trying to tell us something?
AUTHOR: Yes!
BENNY: Well, don't beat around the bush, just tell us already!
AUTHOR: Fine! You asked for it. Benny, there's nothing wrong with you, you look great! Javvie, those sideburns. You should do something about them. Erik, you know, there is a reason for you wearing that mask. And Mackie, I hate to break this to you, but you're a cat. A cat! Ok?
JAVERT: What? So you think this is gonna make us less popular than whattheirnames, Backdoor Boys and 'N the kitchen sink?
AUTHOR: Frankly, yes!
MACAVITY: Well, who cares about what you think?
AUTHOR: Excuse me?
BENNY: You're too old to be a boyband fan. Your opinion doesn't matter.
AUTHOR: But I was just trying to…
ERIK: Bye bye bye.
AUTHOR: Now look…
ERIK: Bye bye bye.
AUTHOR: But…
ERIK, MACAVITY, BENNY, and JAVERT: BYE BYE BYE!!!
AUTHOR: Fine! Have it your way!
ERIK: We will! We will go on strike, and form a boyband, and become enormously successful and win Grammys and conquer the world. That will finally get people to appreciate us! It will all come true, 'cause
ERIK, MACAVITY, BENNY and JAVERT: *in perfect harmony* We want it that way!
The very, very, very end!