Missing You

By Kelly (aka allurablue4)

Copyright November 2011

General Disclaimer: Voltron and its characters are a trademark and copyright of World Event Productions, LTD, St. Louis, MO. All relative disclaimers apply.

Author's note:

This short drabble was inspired by a story I am currently writing with my dear friend, princessallurap. It is a quick one-shot of Allura's thoughts and inner struggles and is meant to be purely Keith and Allura centered, because for me, it's always been all about Keith and Allura (even though Lance will always have a place of his own very near and dear to my heart).

Comments, reviews, and private messages containing constructive criticism, positive and negative, welcome.

I miss him.

I miss him so much my whole body aches. It's like there's this sudden and vast void inside of me, and I know deep down in my bones he is the only one who can fill it.

It's strange how something can be right in front of you for such a long time, and you never really notice how much of a profound impact it has upon you until it's no longer there.

I've known Keith for a nearly a year now, and while I admit much of him is a complete mystery to me, he is far more than the typical casual acquaintances I am afforded with most of the people with whom I come into contact. I make it a habit to get to know each of my staff personally, but Keith is different. He's a very elusive man. Lance calls him 'private', and while I respect a person's right to keep certain things to himself, I don't understand why Keith finds it so difficult to confide in anyone besides Lance. Even Lance says Keith won't tell him many things.

I'm not sure why I care. It shouldn't be so difficult to simply accept the situation with Keith for what it is. He is a good man. I can sense that in him. He is kind, courteous, loyal, a true gentleman, and I would dare to even say a prince among princes, though he possesses no royal lineage of which he is aware. There's just something about him to which I'm inexplicably drawn, but we're just friends. That's all.

He told me he loved me, or more precisely, he told me that he is in love with me.

I'm touched and honored by his sincere sentiments and affections. Such things are rare among most of the men who attempt to profess accolades of admiration and love to me. Though they are princes by birth, their words are but flippant flattery spoken hastily in hopes of winning my hand to procure Voltron, their kisses, even pressed upon my hand, slovenly. They are like dogs coming to grovel for a crumb to eat when they are neither starving nor deserving. My mice are far better creatures than these. And Keith . . . Keith is above them all.

I don't think he realizes this. I've tried to explain it to him, but he only hears me saying that I love Lance.

Lance . . . Lance and me . . .

It's complicated.

Lance and I have been kindred spirits since the day we met. He accepts and cares for me simply for being Allura and could truly care less about my royal station in life, not that he is disrespectful of it in any manner. He sees beyond my crown and title and sees the woman I have always longed to be. With Lance, I am free to speak my mind and act however I please without having to constantly worry about duty, decorum, and propriety. He neither needs nor expects me to be his Princess, and I find that ever so refreshing. I sometimes wish I could be like this with everyone.

Lance tells me he loves me too, that he's in love with me. He told me a full month before Keith made his confession, not that timing has made any difference. I love Lance – he's also a good man – but I don't know that I can say I'm in love with him.

Until recently, I thought that was merely because Lance has so much more experience with these things than me. He has a reputation for having quite the way with women, and even he admits that the castle rumors about him are no rumors at all. He has been intimate with more women that he can count.

I hardly agree with all of his lifestyle choices, but I appreciate his honesty and openness. Lance never keeps secrets from me. He is open and forthcoming at all times, albeit rather crass on occasion. I never have to wonder where I stand with Lance. It simply is what it is, and it's easy and comfortable.

Well . . . that is until now.

Maybe it's the fact that Lance knows how Keith feels about me. I know it has put a strain on their friendship. The two of them have been like brothers for most of their lives, and now I've come between them, however unintentionally it happened. I would never hurt either of them, and yet I know I am the source of the animosity that has crept in.

That makes Lance and me complicated.

Lance is charming and sweet and romantic, and all the other things I've dreamed of finding in a man. When he kisses me, I feel pleasantly giddy and dizzy, but it's also like I'm dabbling in some forbidden desire, and there's something about it that isn't quite right.

But when Keith kisses me – even though his lips have never graced mine – when Keith kisses me, the whole world fades away, and I feel safe and cherished, as though I am the most precious thing in the entire universe. His kisses make my heart pound so fast I think it shall burst, and I find I want to always feel like this.

But it isn't supposed to be this way. I'm not supposed to have these feelings for Keith, for a man about whom I know almost nothing. He is little more than a stranger to me, and besides all that, I'm with Lance.

I'm with Lance . . .

. . . and I miss Keith.

Keith told me he has begun to court a woman with whom he attended the academy back on Earth. Her name is Nicole. Nicole Swanson. Commander Nicole Swanson.

I am impressed with her or her title.

I suspect she isn't impressed by me or mine.

Keith told me that he and Nicole had begun seeing one another after the death of his fiancée, a mutual friend of theirs, some years ago. But then he was assigned to Arus. I don't know why he chose to leave Nicole behind, but I think he regrets having done so. At least that's how I perceive him to be feeling whenever he speaks of Nicole, which is not often. Keith and I, we don't talk much anymore. He's too busy romancing Nicole.

I feel so selfish about all of this. I have everything I've always wanted, and yet . . . and yet none of it is Keith.

I know I told him I didn't love him the way he loves me. I told him that there was happiness in the world for him just waiting to be embraced. I told him that I wanted him to be happy and to know love again.

I did it. It was me.

Me.

And now there's her – Nicole.

And me, even though I'm with Lance . . . I'm all alone.

I miss him.

I miss him, my Keith, because like it or not, that's what he's become to me. My Keith. My hero. My champion. My best friend. My light ever shining in the darkness. My hope. My . . . love?

I don't know. I'm so confused now. Everything that once seemed clear has become hazy . . . and complicated.

I just miss him. I want him to be here with me. I want to talk the night away on our balcony like we used to do when neither of us could sleep. I want to know again the comfort and strength of his arms holding me, surrounding me, embracing me like he never wants to let go as he tells me he'll always keep me safe and continue to fight for all the things we believe in.

I miss him.

I miss Keith.

My Keith.