I know you care, Sanzo. To some extent, at least. The way you place your hand in my hair, the way you seem to worry about me sometimes…

But do you know how I feel? Do you even have a clue how much you mean to me? I've told you you're my sun, but do you really understand? Without the sun, the earth would be cold, empty, desolate, unable to sustain life… Just as I would be without you.

"Oi, saru. Did you die or something? You haven't said a word in over an hour."

I wish I could understand you, Sanzo. The way you work, the way you think…it's all so confusing to me.

And I wish you could understand me. I wish you would realize that I'm not the baka you think I am…true, I'm not as smart as Hakkai or as clever as the kappa, but…I'm not an idiot. I am smarter than you give me credit for.

I wonder if you know what I know about those two? Do you see the way they look at each other? Do you hear the tone in Gojyo's voice when he insists that he and Hakkai room together? I do. And I respect the relationship they have and I allow them their time together when they can get it, because I know it's hard for them with this journey and all.

"Oi, SARU!"

"Shut up, Gojyo," I tell him, tired of his kicking and poking. I wish he'd leave me to my thoughts for once.

He blinks. "What, no 'ero kappa' comment?" he asks, sounding confused.

"Just leave me alone."

He does.

I can't look at you, Sanzo. Even doing that manages to annoy you. And I'm tired of having to annoy you just to get you to even know that I'm here. Would it matter to you if I left? Would you get upset if I got killed by Homura or Kougaiji? Or would you yell at me, even though you know I wouldn't be able to hear you, telling me I was too stupid to stay alive and then shrug it off as something that couldn't be helped?

I hold in a sigh. I can't let you know that something's wrong, although if you're paying even the least bit of attention to me, you already know because of how quiet I've been. But you don't seem to notice, nor do you seem to care.

"Ah, here we are," Hakkai announces cheerfully.

I look up from the floor of the jeep and notice we're pulling into a town.

"About time," you grunt as you get out of the jeep. The rest of us follow suit and you lead us into the inn Hakkai stopped at.

"Sanzo, harahetta…" I tell you, though you should know that well enough after these years. But you say nothing as you approach the desk clerk.

"We'll look for a restaurant after we've gotten our rooms," Hakkai tells me, patting me on the head. I'm sure he's got good intentions, but he's treating me like a kid again. It gets frustrating.

I nod excitedly, pretending it doesn't matter that it wasn't you who responded. But it does, Sanzo. It does matter, because at least if you'd responded, I'd know you weren't completely ignoring me.

Are you ignoring me? It seems like it…I've felt like you are for the past week, ever since I saved you from that group of youkai. Hakkai and Gojyo had gotten hurt, and it was all they could do to save themselves. If I didn't protect you, you would have ended up just as bad, or worse, since you're human. But ever since that day, I feel like you don't even know I exist. You never thanked me, not that I honestly expected you to, but you also replied rather coldly when Hakkai told you what I had done. 'That bakasaru? Ch', was what you'd said, as if disbelieving that I could do such a thing.

My fighting ability is the one thing you don't deny that I posses, and I suppose that gives me some confidence.

"Goku?"

"What, Gojyo." I wish you'd leave me alone sometimes, Gojyo.

"We got our rooms. Let's go drop off our stuff and then get food, alright?"

I'm confused. Since when does Gojyo treat me normally? I nod my agreement, and he tells me that there were only two doubles open, so you and Hakkai will be sharing a room, and I'll be rooming with him. Again, you've found a way to shut me out. Well, if Gojyo keeps treating me like this, I guess it won't be so bad. At least I won't be rooming with someone who's ignoring me, and I won't be rooming with 'mom'. Though I'd rather room with you, whether you ignore me or not.

I follow you and the others to our rooms, and I see the angry glare Gojyo gives you over the fact that you're making his lover room with you. But the way you act, do you see it? Do you know how upset he is, Sanzo?

*Sigh* I try to shrug it off. I shouldn't let you bother me like this, not when there's something more important that we're all supposed to be focusing on. But then, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. Even if the Three Aspects had told me to go on this journey, I wouldn't have gone if you weren't going with me.

I drop my bags beside my bed and blindly follow Gojyo back into the hallway, where we meet up with you and Hakkai. Now it's time to find a restaurant.

My stomach growls, dragging my focus of thought from you to it.

"Geez, saru. You really are hungry, aren't you?" the kappa asks me. What's with him? Why's he actually being civil to me?

I nod silently.

"Well, we'd better get going, before the saru tries to eat one of us," Gojyo says with a smile, wrapping his arm around Hakkai's waist. Yes, enjoy him while you can, you lucky kappa, since you two won't share a room tonight. Hakkai blushes from the affectionate gesture and gives a gentle laugh.

"Ch," is all you say as you lead us out the door. After all, you're paying.