Disclaimer: I do not own or have any claim to Stargate Atlantis or its affiliates or any other show I may reference. I just enjoying watching TV and writing fan fiction.

This is my first fan fic and I would love reviews (pretty please). Flames work too (I like fire). Thanks to Gundambaby for helping me explore ideas and get up the courage to post this. Thanks to beta husband for (obviously) betaing.

Atlantis University

1000 Light year Way

Atlantis, PG 3.194

Welcome student to the new and as yet improved Atlantis University, AU for short. We would like to introduce the staff who has so humbly volunteered to mold your young minds.

Professor Teyla Emmagan comes to us from a lovely planet known as Athos. She will be teaching women's self defense, self defense for dummies and will be guest spotting in our home economics class.

Professor Ronan Dex is from Sateda. He is a specialist in just about everything. He will be teaching advanced self defense for dummies (males only), field survival for dummies, and will be guest lecturer for the home economics class.

Major Evan "my left foot" Lorne will be teaching The Arts. This will range from modern to classical oil painting, water colors, charcoals, beginning drawing, and Paper Mache. He is taking interests for an origami class. If interested, please e-mail him. Professor Lorne comes to us from Earth, and although he has been through boot camp, his mother reared him correctly in all things artistic.

Dr. Elizabeth "no nonsense" Weir will be instructing on Debate or the Art of Arguing. She also comes to us from Earth and is currently running Atlantis on top of her teaching. She will teach you the finer points of diplomacy with any race. She will also give a mini-course on How to Deal with Difficult People. Hermiod will be guest lecturing on proper alien protocol.

Miss Manners and Hyacinth Bucket will be instructing a course on etiquette. Miss Manners has an excellent background in this area and has written several books. We are so pleased to have such an experienced teacher in our midst. Mrs. Bucket is a homemaker and mother of one. She is also British, which tells you everything you need to know.

Hurling Insults will be a distance learning course (book and e-mail only). The only prerequisite needed is the ability to read. Guest speakers will appear spontaneously (randomly) via e-mail. Limited enrollment.

The Art of Cursing will have many guest lecturers included, but not limited to, Radek Zelenka (Czech), Professor Dex (Satedan), Professor Emmagan (Wraith and Athosian), Dr. Weir (English, French, Italian, German, Ancient), and possibly a marine or two. This class fills up quickly so we suggest registering early.

Field Survival for Dummies will be taught by Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard. With guest lectures by Professors Emmagan and Dex, and a few high ranking military personnel.

Nurse Lynn will be teaching a brief, six week course in Field Medicine. This class also fills quickly, so again, please register as early as possible.

The laundry, maintenance, and kitchen crews will be teaming up to teach Home Economics. The basic subjects will be cooking, cleaning, personal hygiene, sewing and basic room repairs. Guest lecturers will also be appearing.

The Creative Writing course will be taught by Colonel Steven Caldwell, who majored in English Literature at Colorado State on Earth. He needed a degree to make officer, he already knew English, and so he figured "why not?" This class is a distance learning course.

Math for Dummies and Mensa Math will be taught by Dr. Rodney McKay, in conjunction with all the other math majors currently on staff in Atlantis. He will teach the finer points of math from numbers and letters to math theories. Dr. Weir's course in Dealing with Difficult People is a prerequisite for these courses.

History of Pegasus and Milky Way galaxies will be instructed by Chuck, the gate technician. Who, it appears, does a lot of reading while sitting at his desk in the control room.

Psychology will be instructed by Dr. Kate "call me Kate" Heightmeyer. Subjects range from Freud to Nietzsche to dream interpretation. Warning: This class is not for the feeble minded.

Atlantis University Rules and Regulations

Students will arrive on time to classes and treat instructors with respect.

We are all adults; please try to act like one.

Excuses such as: "The Wraith ate my homework.", or "I forgot", will not be accepted. Why would your homework be with you on an off world mission? As for "I forgot" see rule 2.

All weapons and anything perceived to be a possible weapon will be checked with the instructor and can be picked up after class. All confiscated items will be up for auction at the end of every semester, with proceeds going towards the student aid fund.

For those of you taking self defense courses, a signed form from a certified MD will be required. Also an injury waiver will need to be brought to the first day of class.

There will be NO romantic involvement between a student and instructor for whatever reason. If a relationship is discovered, the student will forfeit classes and suffer the consequences of the Atlantis Gossip Club (which meets every coffee break on the west pier).

Clubs will have to be approved by the AU counsel. For those interested in starting one, please fill out form The-re-isno-Iin-team 06 in triplicate and give to one of the instructors.

Look with your eyes, not your hands.

We at AU hope our students will have a happy, productive and enlightening time. We are hoping to add more courses as interest in AU grows. Welcome students and have a productive day.

Sincerely,

The AU board members