It's painful. So fucking painful when it happens. And she's expecting it. So she feels stupid for having it hurt so fucking much. But it does anyway. She's supposed to be going to classes, but she can't drag herself to them. Instead she stares at the pictures of her and Emily on her wall that she can't bear to pull off because that would mean that they're really over. They had barely even talked the past couple of weeks, being too busy with classes. She hadn't even seen Emily in well over a month because Brighton is just too far from St. Andrews. Their whole dynamic had shifted since they'd hit university even though they'd promised they'd stay together forever. They'd make it, surely. They were in love after all. But it had changed never the less.
The first month they'd talked via webcam constantly. Then they'd made friends. Coursework had intensified. Life in general had intervened and their conversations had grown less frequent. Christmas had been awkward. They hadn't fit together in the way they'd used to. Naomi knew that her love hadn't diminished, but she had a sneaking suspicion that it was for an Emily that no longer existed, or an Emily that was fading, disappearing to make room for the new Emily in front of her.
Then the call had come, finally, two months after Christmas. Emily needed room. She needed space. There were interesting people and places and she needed to explore her life up there, alone, independently. So now Naomi was lying in bed, ignoring her calls from her friends, crying. It hurt. She just couldn't help it. She tried, but she couldn't. Some part of her logical brain was saying that she'd live, that things would get better, but right now it was hard to believe. Emily had been her life, her world for two years. Now she was Emilyless. How was she supposed to go back to Bristol for Easter? How was she ever supposed to go back to Bristol and see everybody? Everybody who would be expecting Emily and Naomi, the perfect couple. Everybody who would ask what went wrong. Everybody who would look at her with pity and say they were sorry, but then go home and forget about it. How was she supposed to go back and see all of the familiar places that were full of memories of Emily? She wouldn't even be able to walk into her own house or sleep in her own bed without thinking of Emily! She knew she wouldn't! So how would she be able to stay there and not cry every second of every day when she couldn't even manage to stop crying for longer than an hour here in the halls?
It would be hell. She knew it would.
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Alice had literally had to drag her out of her room. Naomi knew it was time, but that doesn't make being out tonight any easier. All around her, all she can see are couples. It was disgusting the way they all seemed so happy. It shouldn't be allowed. Happy couples around someone mourning a recent breakup should be outlawed. She declares as much to Alice who rolls her eyes and hands her another shot.
"You need to forget about her! Tonight is about friends! Friends that you've been neglecting!" Alice reminds her.
Naomi nods half-heartedly. She really has been neglecting them too much. She starts to relax, starts to have fun, remembers what it feels like to smile as Tom makes an especially amusing joke, and then a familiar shade of red hair ruins it all. Suddenly her heart is aching all the more acutely. Suddenly she can't breathe in the club and she's gasping for air and Alice is dragging her towards the exit. Once they're outside, Alice hands her a fag and Naomi inhales gratefully.
"Too soon then," Alice murmurs and Naomi nods.
"Shame it's such a fucking popular colour this year," Alice comments after a few more minutes and Naomi's thankful that she has such an observant friend. A friend who'd met Emily, and knew enough to know that that particular shade of red would affect Naomi for that reason.
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Things get better after that. Naomi starts to feel a little more human, a little less like a pathetic, crying shell of who she was. She even manages to make it out to a few more clubs. The worry lines across Alice's face are fading too.
Then Naomi realises that the universe was just lulling her into a false sense of security. It is out to get her after all because Katie fucking Fitch is in her local pub. Of all the people, of all the places she could have gone, of all the times she could have been there, it had to be Katie Fitch, in Naomi's pub, now. It just wasn't right.
"What are you doing here?" Naomi's aware t hat the question comes out harshly and the surprise on Katie's face is genuine.
"I'm visiting my mate Luke. Fucker dropped out of London College of Fashion to follow his boyfriend here!" Katie rolls her eyes and jabs the thin boy with hair so blonde that it's almost white sitting next to her on the bar stool. She's got a pleasant smile on her face, none of the malice that Naomi expects.
"Oh," Naomi murmurs because she can't think of anything remotely intelligent to say.
"How've you been, Naomi? You look good," Katie tells her, and Naomi rolls it over in her head, looking for insincerity behind the words, but she can't find any. Maybe Katie's changed. Maybe being away from Bristol has done her some good. Maybe she's finally grown up.
"Um...Thanks. You too," Naomi says lamely after a second and she feels like a complete idiot.
"I see you've decided to branch out into matching outfits. It's a good change," Katie grins and Naomi rolls her eyes because at least teasing, even good natured teasing (which is not the kind she is used to from Katie), she knows how to deal with.
"Fuck off," she mutters, but she's surprised to find the hint of a smile in her voice.
"How's uni?" Katie inquires.
Naomi's still trying to figure out if Katie's just being polite or if she's genuinely interested. Naomi shrugs. "It's good. It's fine. A lot of work, but manageable," Naomi finds herself responding.
"Good, good," Katie smiles at her again and Naomi's just completely thrown off.
"Who's this? You making new friends?" Alice appears at her side, then takes in Katie. "Oh."
"Alice, this is Katie. Emily's twin sister," Naomi introduces her.
"Oh," Alice repeats. Then after a second she regains her composure. "Nice to meet you," she extends her hand. "I'm Alice. Friend of Naomi's."
"Nice to meet you too," Katie replies and shakes the hand offered to her.
A thought strike's Naomi then. What if Katie doesn't know? It seems unlikely. After all, they've been broken up for a few weeks now, and Katie and Emily barely go a day without talking, right? But Emily's changed. And it seems Katie has too. So maybe they don't talk as much now. "Sorry, but do you not know?" Naomi interjects into the polite banter that Alice and Katie have started.
"Know what?" Katie looks genuinely concerned.
"You really don't, do you?" Naomi says, shaking her head in amazement.
"Really don't what? Naomi start making sense for fuck's sake!" Katie insists, and Naomi hears a hint of the old, impatient Katie there.
"We broke up. Well, she broke up with me," Naomi informs her, and waits for nice Katie to fade, but it doesn't happen. Instead Katie's face goes from shocked, to genuinely sad.
"Wow. Really? When?" Katie asks.
"Twenty-three days ago," Naomi replies and she realises instantly how pathetic she sounds by knowing the exact number of days.
"I'm really sorry, Naomi," Katie says genuinely and then shocks Naomi further by standing and wrapping the taller girl in a tight hug. "How are you doing?" Katie whispers quietly.
"Shitty," Naomi surprises herself by answering honestly.
"Shit, I wish I knew. I would've warned you I was going to be around or something. It can't be easy. I really thought you two...Well...Sorry," Katie says as she pulls away.
"Yeah, thanks." Naomi hates that she's got tears stinging her eyes now. And it's Katie, of all fucking people, who's saying exactly the right thing. Hell must have frozen over, she thinks.
"Here, you two must sit! Have a drink! I'll buy!" Katie offers.
"No, I don't want to intrude on your time with your friend," Naomi shakes her head, but she's astonished to realise that part of her wants to stay. Maybe it's just because Katie is a connection to Emily, and Naomi knows that that's pathetic, but it's true. Maybe it's because Katie is acting nothing at all like the Katie Fitch Naomi knows. Maybe it's just nicer to see a familiar face than she'd expected.
"Don't be silly, honey, I can share," Luke counters and Naomi finds herself sitting down across from Katie before she's even consciously made a decision.
Alice takes a seat next to her and shoots her a curious look but Naomi just shrugs.
Katie gets up and buys a round of drinks, and Naomi starts sipping her beer gratefully and she's amazed at how easily she falls into conversation with Katie, how fun it is to catch up, too see how much the short brunette has changed since she's ventured off on her own.
The evening passes in a flash and before Naomi knows it, she's yawning and they're standing and putting on their coats and stepping outside.
"I'm in town all week. We should hang out again," Katie offers.
"I deleted your number," Naomi admits sheepishly. "Sorry."
Katie laughs and holds out her hand so Naomi hands her phone over. Katie puts in her number quickly. "Give me a call."
Naomi nods.
Katie waits and Naomi realises that she's expecting something, but she doesn't know what. Katie finally rolls her eyes and pulls Naomi into another hug. "It's really good to see you, especially now you know how to dress yourself."
Naomi laughs lightly as she wraps her arms around Katie and tries not to think how familiar the small form feels against her.
"I mean it. Call me, ok?" Katie reinforces.
Naomi nods. "I will."
"Good," Katie replies, then pulls away, links arms with Luke and strolls off into the night.
"So that's Katie Fitch the Bitch," Alice mutters when they're out of ear shot.
"Yeah," Naomi confirms.
"I have to say you kinda painted a different picture of her in your stories," Alice comments.
"She's changed," Naomi explains.
"I should say so," Alice agrees.
They start walking back towards their halls.
"She's nothing like Emily though," Alice adds after a few minutes.
"No. She's not," Naomi agrees, then marvels how that's the first time she's ever been thankful for that fact.
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Katie hasn't changed completely, Naomi realises later that night when she's lying in bed and for once not pining after the Emily she once had. She's still very definitely Katie. There were bits and pieces of her scattered throughout the evening. The hints of bitchiness. The comments about fashion and outfits. The slightly caustic banter. It was all still there. It more felt like Katie had come into her own. Like somehow part of her that allowed her to be freer and happier and nicer while still being herself had been stifled in Bristol and had been set free now that she was off on her own. It was nice, this combination of nicer Katie and old Katie. It made seeing her, the familiar features, the familiar dark brown eyes, less painful somehow.