Title: In over my head
Author: thousand_miles
Rating: K
Spoilers: every episode so far
Pairing: Red/Lizzie
Summary: She yearned to experience things with him that she'd never imagined doing with him before and now realized that she would do them in a heartbeat if she had the chance. (Lizzington)
A/N: This came to me out of nowhere. A bit sad, but it seemed to fit my mood. For now this is a stand alone piece. I think that's for the best. And my thanks goes out to my beta jackandsamforever!
In over my head
It was the middle of the yet another sleepless night. And Liz was wandering through her house again. Sleep hardly found her these days and when it did she wished it hadn't. He haunted her in her dreams, appearing and disappearing, reaching out and yet holding back. She sat down on the couch in her living room with her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands.
She'd lost two important people in her life in such a short amount of time. There were days where she hoped it was all just a bad dream. Then there were the days when she would be confronted by the absence by one or both of them. She hated to admit it, but the absence of one hurt her so much more. The one who got away. The one whose importance in her life she'd realized too late. Though her father's death was sudden, she found comfort in the memories of the life they had lived together. She'd missed out on that with the other one and she wanted to share the memories of her father with him, but he wasn't there when she needed him. It was as if the memories of both were fading.
There were now two voids in her heart and the one person who could fill that void and help her heal the other one, was not there. He said he'd be there when she needed him. At the moment she'd dismissed his words. She was only just starting to realize how she'd counted on his presence in her life. How much more he meant to her than she'd been willing to admit. Not that she could fully admit it now, it still terrified her that she had become so attached to a criminal. She had never said the words out loud because she still felt like she needed to protect herself, even if he was not there.
She wondered if this was somehow, some way her fate in life. People leaving her. It seemed to be a recurring theme in her life. It was difficult to believe she wasn't the reason why. She was scarred, damaged goods even and it made people run. When preparing for bed she would sometimes look at herself in the mirror and fail to recognize the woman she saw in the reflection.
She'd left Tom after the words of warning, though there was nothing official yet. The loss of her marriage didn't do her state of mind any good, but it did fit the profile so to speak. It seemed like she wasn't destined for close personal relationships. It all added up eventually and her state of mind was suffering severely.
He would be there when she needed him. It's what he'd said to her. Then why wasn't he here? Didn't he know she was all alone, or how lost she felt without his humor and sarcasm that had become a staple in her every day life?
She missed him. Missed how he always sought her out or how he read her. She missed his warm voice and the way he said her name. Grabbing one of the pillows on the couch she pulled it into her arms and crushed it to her chest, trying to ease the ache that never quite went away. That's when the anger flared with such intensity that she couldn't sit anymore. Standing up she started walking around. She was angry with herself for feeling this lost. Angry that he had this much influence on her even when he wasn't even there. Angry that he was yet another person who'd left her behind when he was the one person who should have known better. He'd always feigned to know her the best out of anyone else in her life, but if he did, he wouldn't have left her like this. He should have known better, should have known what this would do to her. He was supposed to be the one who stayed.
She was alone. Even at work, surrounded by colleagues, she still felt like the only one in the room. When walking through the streets she caught herself searching the crowds for him, knowing he was nowhere near, and even if he was, he would never show himself. Sometimes she felt eyes on her, but every time she turned around with hopeful eyes, she would see nothing. Maybe she was slowly going crazy. Searching for someone who was never going to appear. She yearned to experience things with him that she'd never imagined doing with him before and now realized that she would do them in a heartbeat if she had the chance. How could that be?
"Where are you, Red?" She whispered, struggling to hold back the tide of tears that were threatening to burst. She didn't completely succeed though, as one lonely tear rolled down her cheek. She didn't even have the energy to wipe it away.
The End