Disclaimer of everything except my OC...
A/N: takes place after Tattoo? what Tattoo?...story has been semi proofread
Sitting up against a great oak tree in Sherwood forest, Robin Hood knew that there should be no other place where he could feel at peace. But, his mind and his heart were so restless that peace was something that he could barely remember. With his head against the trunk of the tree, he ran his hands over the ornate carvings of his bow. He wondered if the number of lives he had taken in the Holy Land were cancelled out by the number of people that he had saved, or was going to save. At the end, he wondered, is there some great scale weighing the good and bad things that a person has done?
Robin quickly brought himself back to reality. He knew that he had no time for brooding about life and death. There was still much that he had left to do. He had only been back in England for a few months and he was already beginning to feel the strain of the task that he was undertaking. There were days when he felt like he was travelling up a waterfall; the great acheivement only being the ability to stay where one was. The bottom line was King Richard had to come back. There would be no way around it. Until then, Robin knew that he had to be strong. Too many people depended on him and his gang. Doubts and worries could not be part of the equation. Each time such thoughts rose to his mind, it took all of his will power to suppress them.
"Did you get my message?" Robin was pulled out of his reverie and looked up to find Marian's tiny frame standing over him. She had that expectant look in her eyes that said that she wanted to know everything that was going on and would torment everyone until she found out. Her determination normally amused him, because he would normally wind up torturing her mercilessly with wit and banter. Today, however, he was simple not in the mood. There was far too much on his mind.
"Yes," he answered shortly. Ever since her engagement to Guy of Gisborne, conversation seemed a little strained between them. He smirked at the the thought. That was hardly true, conversation was always strained between them, now that he was back from the Holy Land. It was like talking with layers, saying one thing but meaning something totally different. Now it was just worse.
"And?" now she was getting impatient.
"And what?" he looked at her with feigned confusion. He figured now that he could use this as a distraction from his dark thoughts.
"And what will you do? Surely you must have a plan?" Marian asked earnestly.
"Sure we do, we'll do what we always do. Sneak in, grab the money and sneak out. I didn't think you would be as slow as this Marian." he added mischeiviously.
She deliberatley ignored that last remark. Couldn't he at least take this one thing seriously? "Yes, but it will not be the same. Do you think that the Sheriff and his men are completely stupid?"
"Yes." Robin laughed
"Not as stupid as you think Robin of Lockesly. Remember Tom and his friends?" Seeing the look on Robin's face told her that she had finally hit a nerve. Perhaps she shouldn't have mentioned it, but he had to understand. He was... he was too much like a little boy. " Look, they will have something intricate plan for you and your gang, i'm sure of it. You can only do the same trick so many times before the audience learns how it's done."
"Then i guess it will be more fun then won't it?" he chose not to address the Tom issue, he had to bury it along with all the other mistakes he had made. Killings in the Holy Land, leaving his home, his family...Marian...So, instead of reacting, he formed a troublemakers smile. He readjusted himself against the tree. He turned his gaze to the rest of the forest, until Marian's outburst snapped his eyes right back to hers.
"Is that all this is to you? A sport? A game? If you die, people starve. That is no joke. That is reality, unlike your precious Holy Land." Marian cried passionately. Why were there no middle feelings with Robin, she half wondered. It was either anger, sadness or-...but it had been years since that.
Robin closed his eyes in anguish while she spoke. He knew Marian hated him for going to the Holy Land but to say such things, all he could see infront of him was sand soaked in blood, images he thought he could forget, things he never wanted to see again, but haunted him in his dreams. He could take it no more. In a blind fury he stood up, grabbed his knife and threw it into a tree some five metres away. Consquently, the blade passed about ten centimetres from Marian's left ear. Marian stopped talking so fast that she nearly swallowed her tongue. Her face turned a ghostly white and her eyes grew three times their size. She knew somewhere in her heart that Robin would never hurt her, but the fact that he came so close frightened her.
In a fruitless attempt to restrain himself, Robin brought his hands up to cradle his head, but threw them down in anger.
"Do not ever say that the Holy Land was not real." He spoke quietly and evenly between clenched teeth as he turned to walk away.
"Robin I-"
"No" he yelled, losing control once more "Don't Robin me."
Tears welled in Marian's eyes, "But I didn't-"
"No of course you didn't know." He practically spat the words out, "Because you never asked. Never once did you ask me about what happened in the Holy Land save for the scar under my arm. You were too concerned with your reality." Tears pricking his eyes he sat down like he was carrying the weight of the world. He looked up at Marian with swollen eyes, his face unleashing all of the emotion that he had kept inside for so long. His voice now changed from one of bitterness to one of sadness, "I watched men die or starvation and thirst in the desert," he sobbed, "I watched boys die before they even realized what happened to them. I watched the men that they called the enemy lose their last breath to the power of my bow or my sword. And I saw blood, so much blood." Marian, filled with guilt sat down beside him, listening intently.
"They call it the Holy Land" Robin continued, "But it's more of a hell than anything i have ever seen before." he grimaced and looked away from Marian, as if trying to hide the tears that were now falling down his face.
Marian closed her eyes in sadness. The guilt that she now felt was tearing her apart inside. How could she say such things? How could she be so heartless? She grabbed his calloused hand with both of her own.
"Robin," she whispered, half terrified, as if her voice might send him into another fit of rage. "I'm so sorry. That was very selfish of me. I should have been more understanding, I should have asked you, but I didn't. My only sad excuse is that if i believed that what happened in the Holy Land was foolish and unreal, it would give me another reason to justify why I was so angry at you for leaving." Her voice began to break as she said the last sentence. After a small pause with not response from Robin she muttered, "I do not expect you to forgive me." as she shifted her weight to get up and leave.
"Don't go." ever Robin pleaded, squeezing her hands. He turned to look at her, eyes still fresh with tears. There was no anger in his look or his voice, only sadness.
"Alright" she said, trying the tiniest of smiles and readjusted her place next to him against the tree. He still held her hand tightly and Marian did not have the heart to let go. In fact, she didn't think she wanted to.
They sat for a while in a companionable silence, which was very rare for them. Words, Marian thought, are what we use to cover up everything else. She looked around at the beauty of Sherwood and for a brief moment envied Robin for being able to live here all the time. Her gaze fell to his bow lying near him, as always. She marvelled at the carvings and the shape. She understood from Robin that it was a Saracen bow and the delicate patterns, she assumed were also Saracen. Strange, she thought, how people that we have been taught to hate could make things so beautiful. Finally, she looked up and saw Robin staring at her. It took everything in her to hide the blush that came to her cheeks, but Robin's tiny smirk suggested it was all in vain.
"This bow," he said quietly, "belonged to my friend Kazir." He lifted the bow from his resting place and turned it over so that she could view the other side.
"A Saracen?" Marian looked at Robin questioningly. She thought maybe he had found it on a battle field, "Really?"
For a moment, Robin seemed to not hear her for he was too deep into the past. Her final question sucked him back into reality.
"Yes, his name was Kazir Waters. His father was English and his Mother was a Saracen. He chose his allegiance with us and was a great help in knowing the geography of the area since he had lived there all his life."
Marian suddenly realized what was wrong. Robin had said was. She dearly wanted to avoid another outburst so she tried to retrace her steps.
"Robin," she said quietly, "you dont have to speak of him just to satisfy my curiosity."
But Robin shook his head and found her anxious blue eyes once again, "No, I feel like it. It is my duty to speak of him. It is my way of ensuring that a man like him is not forgotten." he paused and whispered, "He was the very best of men."
"What was he like?" Marian asked, once again fixing her posture against the great oak tree which was surprisingly wide enough for the two of them to sit close to each other confortably. Sitting like this reminded Marian of the days when they were children, talking about everything and nothing without a care in the world. How things have changed, she thought. Now we barely know each other. The thought made her a little sad. But before she could dwell further on her thoughts, Robin spoke.
" I met Kazir when I first went to the Holy Land. He had already been there for some time and was sort of like a mentor for me. He was quiet and loyal like Will, but had a bit of a rough edge like Allan, I suppose you could say. He was a few years older than me and was like my mentor. He taught me about battle, how to be a leader and how to have compassion. He was the one who got ahold of a copy of the Qu'ran for me when I asked him, and he taught me how to read it. His most prized possession was this bow." Robin gripped the bow tighter and smiled slightly at the happy memories. However, his face soon became grave as he continued with his tale.
"Then, that night we were ambushed by what we thought were Saracens," he could not help but give a pointed look at Marian knowing she would understand Gisbornes role in all of this, "Kazir and I went to defend the king. I saw Kazir fall as he was stabbed in the back by a man cloaked in black. This same man gave me this scar." Robin's look hardened.
Suddenly it all made sense to Marian. There was no way that he could harbour such anger against Gisborne just becuase he had betrayed the king. It was personal.
" So when I woke and the entire camp had moved on, Much handed my Kazir's bow. He told me that Kazir told him once that if anything should happen to him, that I should get his bow. He said that he hoped that I would save lives with it instead of take them." Once again, tears unleashed themselves from Robin's eyes. They fell into a silence once more, save for the occasional sob from Robin.
Marian broke the quiet, "Robin" She whispered, "I'm not going to pretend to understand how you feel, but I do know a little of what it is like to lose people that you love." Their eyes locked, trying to convey messeges to each other, but not getting through.
It always comes back to us doesn't it? Robin thought as he finally let go of Marian's hand "You should go. Guy will be missing you." Robin practically spat his name out.
"Yes." she answered simply, she had no energy left to argue. They both stood up and faced each other. Always different directions floated through both their heads. Neither of them moved.
"Thankyou" Robin said, offering her a little smile. It did little to disguise the redness of his eyes, but she knew he meant it.
"Robin, I am so sorry...For everything." she cast him a meaningful look and walked away. Robin watched her for awhile then sighed, turned around and made his way back to the camp.
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