Author's notes:
This story was inspired by a dear friend of mine, who was wondering whether Hidan was naturally hairless or had to wax his chest in order to make it look so shiny. So I got profusely inspired and promised her to write a drabble about it. Well, I didn't. I intended to, but it just refused to be a drabble. Instead it grew more than 3 times as large as I wanted it to be :B
So, this fic is dedicated to her because it's also her birthday today.
I'd also like to thank my awesome beta Dark Hope Assassin because she is the best beta ever and a wonderful friend :3
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While Kakuzu would never think of Hidan as the personification of complete and utter masculinity he certainly couldn't deny that the other man was probably as close to it as anyone would ever get
While Kakuzu would never think of Hidan as the personification of masculine perfection, he certainly couldn't deny that the other man was probably as close to it as anyone would ever get.
Kakuzu wasn't exactly the type of man to waste much thought on these things, but even he was unable to ignore the way Hidan flaunted his boldly revealed chest every day, even if he told himself the only reason he had noticed it was because girls would pay a fortune to touch it and the money-greedy part of his personality refused to pass up such an opportunity without at least trying to make money out of it.
He had seen them coo over Hidan from a distance countless times now, after all.
At one point in time the Falls nin had even considered pimping Hidan out and making him earn money for their organization – for the duration of an entire second, that was.
It was highly unlikely for Hidan to take part in something like that willingly. Kakuzu had never asked, but Jashin probably prohibited any kind of pleasure that wasn't caused by imminent death, so his partner would of course object to participate.
Even if his religion didn't specifically prohibit it Hidan would still refuse just to spite him. His mind just worked that way. (Due to the fact, Kakuzu imagined quite vividly, that his mother had probably damaged what little of his brain was actually able to function when she had bashed in her son's head upon his first few words.)
Not that Kakuzu gave much on Hidan's opinion on the subject. He wouldn't lose any sleep if he was given a good reason to clobber the younger man over the head as means of… persuasion. And he would have done just that if pain, threats and maiming would have any effect on the immortal.
It was just that Kakuzu – should he somehow be able to force Hidan to sell his body for the greater good of Akatsuki – strongly suspected that the death of every single one of their potential customers would somehow have a negative effect on the profit of this theoretical brainchild of his. It was really a pity that Hidan was such an uncooperative individual.
There were other things which proved that Hidan was very manly indeed, apart from his admittedly impressive chest muscles. His voice, for example. While not as deep as Kakuzu's, it was distinctively manly, no doubt about it.
Then again, even someone as petit and effeminate as Deidara had managed to produce a rather low and surprisingly male voice, so maybe that wasn't the best indicator for masculinity.
His numerous and annoying testosterone-induced fits of rage, Kakuzu thought. Yes, that was a good criterion!
Judging by his partner's level of aggression he had to be oozing testosterone out of his every pore, turning him into the naggy, irritable bastard he was. Kakuzu didn't know anyone else this testy, save maybe anyone who had been around Tobi for more than a few seconds.
It worked like a charm – open your mouth and speak to Hidan and BOOM! watch him blow up in your face in all his manly glory for no reason at all.
It even worked when you didn't actually address Hidan! In fact, Kakuzu was frequently experiencing this and it had cost him more than one of his informants.
The only times Hidan didn't go ballistic were when you asked him to explain a thing or two about Jashin or blood and gore and all the other good things that came with being a crazy sociopath. It allowed the immortal to prattle on and on about something he for once had a notion of.
And even if that didn't make Hidan lash out at you, sooner or later it certainly made whoever had to listen to it want to kill him.
Kakuzu had stopped counting at about 46 times. The guy just didn't seem to learn his lesson.
The point of all this thinking Kakuzu had done was simple and only served to prove one thing: Hidan was not a woman. He was a man.
Because yes, right now the Falls nin was in desperate need of such a verification.
Once a week Hidan would spend an awfully long time locked inside the bathroom. It was annoying, certainly, but Kakuzu had grown used to it over the months, especially after his partner had taken to do it in the evenings when they were staying at a hotel and didn't need to hurry anyways.
Naturally, Kakuzu didn't care what the hell Hidan did in there (as if he'd spend any time thinking about the fucker when he wasn't around), although he assumed it had something to do with the other man's vanity or another one of those bothersome Jashinist rituals that presumably required a lot of water for a change.
And that is how it happened that one evening Kakuzu naively entered the bathroom in need of a towel and was greeted by the sight of Hidan sitting in the bathtub with one leg rested casually against the opposite edge, bowing forward with a look of uncharacteristic concentration on his face as he drew a razor across the wet skin of his shin.
That is how Kakuzu came to ponder about Hidan's masculinity – or lack thereof right now – in the first place.
Because to him, that was the gayest sight he had seen in his entire life.
Obviously Hidan was well aware of this, as for the first time since the two of them had been partnered, he was too surprised to even curse at him for invading his privacy.
After a few seconds of incredulous and ongoing staring on both parts, Kakuzu finally let out a relieved growl as he realized something.
"This is another one of your troublesome rituals," he determined, unable to hide the threatening edge in his voice that advised Hidan to agree with him or else.
Not that he had any idea how the shaving of one's legs would be connected to religion, but Jashin had many strange commandments that he had long ago given up questioning.
Once he had found Hidan pinned to a tree by a pair of chopsticks, covered in what he believed were the remains of their lunch, and claiming that this was the proper punishment for thinking about seconds.
The hint he had been trying to give about rituals visibly bounced off of the silver-haired man's currently foamy chest and went straight to the bottom of the bathtub where it drowned miserably; Kakuzu saw it all happen in slow motion yet couldn't do anything.
Hidan opened his mouth, and the Falls nin knew it was all over.
"Why the hell would Jashin-sama want me to shave, dumbass?!" Hidan asked exasperatedly, pointing the razor at Kakuzu's clothed chest accusingly. "He will bath in the blood I spill, not in the hair I shed. Geez, you're such a creep."
At first it didn't seem as if Kakuzu heard a word of what Hidan had said because he kept staring at his partner unmovingly, eyes wide. Then a disgusted sneer forced its way out of his throat.
"You mean to tell me that you shave your legs out of free will?"
There had to be another reasonable explanation. Kakuzu refused to believe that the man he had travelled with for several years would do something this gay without a good reason.
"Are you trying to piss me off, Kakuzu? Of course I'm not doing this voluntarily!"
The Falls nin breathed a silent sigh of relief. "Then why-,"
"I used up all the damn hot wax earlier. It was just enough for my chest but halfway through my left leg I ran out of it. Why else would I have to shave my legs like a fucking sissy?" Hidan snarled while his face suddenly lit up with a realization.
The realization that he was sitting naked in a bathtub with vanilla-scented bubbles while Kakuzu towered over him with a rather constipated look in his eyes.
The young man thought it might be the right time to humbly express his opinion about the situation.
"Get the fuck out of here, you perverted old ugly cocks-"
Kakuzu lifted a hand, signalling his partner to shut up, which, surprisingly, he did.
"Hidan," the masked man began evenly, making sure to have the other one's full attention before he continued. "I just found out that the man I have been partnered with waxes his chest and other body parts. Trust me when I tell you that if you say another word, I will find a way to kill you without making it enjoyable, and not even Jashin will be able to restore what's left of your bald body."
Stunned into silence by this prospect, all Hidan could do was watch Kakuzu turn around and leave the bathroom, staggering slightly. He banged the door shut on his way out.
"Yeah, Kakuzu. As if you could pull it off," the silver-haired man finally mumbled sulkily and flung the razor across the bathroom.
He didn't dare to do much else, though. Kakuzu was scary as fuck if he put his mind to it, after all.