Title: You Had Me at Balloon Animals
Summary: Please blame gypsyscarfwoman for this. Seriously, it is all her fault. This is AU. Very very AU. Jane and Roman are con artists. Sarah is their target. Kurt is serving a suspension. Also it's little Sawyer's birthday.
"Are you still sure you want to do this?" Roman asked his sister as he grabbed the eyeliner off the dresser.
"We cannot cancel now," Jane replied, "we have to go forward with it."
"It's just not our usual target," Roman said as he applied the bright colored pencil across his eyelid.
"I know," Jane admitted, her own make up fully done, watching her brother as he put his final touches, "and it's on me, I know, but it's too late now to back out of it."
"You're getting sloppy, big sister," Roman teased, "after all these years."
Jane smacked her brother's head playfully and stuck her tongue out at him. "I'm not the one who's responsible for us having to leave LA," she reminded him, "there was pretty good money in LA."
"True," Roman said, picking up his wig and adjusting it on his top of his head, "but New York isn't too bad, you gotta admit."
"It's not," Jane said, "but I'd rather con Hollywood actors than Wall Street moguls."
"Or as the case may be, Brooklyn based kindergarten teachers," Roman said.
Jane rolled her eyes and threw a pillow at him. "I am never going to hear the end of this, am I?" she asked and he just shook his head and laughed.
"You suck," she mumbled, "come on let's go. We're gonna be late."
"Oh no, we cannot possibly be late," Roman mumbled, grabbing his duffel bag and following his sister towards the front door of the small apartment that they shared.
Across town, Sarah Weller stood in the middle of the living room of the apartment that she had been sharing with her brother over the past few months and looked around proudly. It had taken her a few hours but she had managed to transform the boring space into one worthy of a ten-year old's birthday party.
It wasn't much, given the space she had to work with, but she was quite proud of it. She wanted to give her son the best birthday she could, especially considering the tough year they'd had. She had caught her husband cheating on her and quickly discovered that he had been doing so for quite some time. The divorce process had been ugly, and poor Sawyer was caught in the middle of it.
At the end of it, she packed up her bags and left their million-dollar house in the Hamptons and moved back to the city. Her brother had welcomed her back without any questions, only after she managed to connive him against killing her ex-husband.
She could have had it all, the house, the life he had been living since marrying the congressman, but she wanted it all behind her. She wanted absolutely nothing from him. She would go back to doing what she loved, and what she was doing before she had gotten married, and she would be perfectly fine. The only thing she did care about was that Sawyer would get the best life possible, and his father agreed. And do all the money had gone to him. He had a school fund that would keep him in the best private school until he graduated, and a college fund that ensured he could afford any college he wanted to go to, and finally a trust fund that he'd have access to at twenty-one.
And so there she was, teaching kindergarten in Brooklyn and sharing a bedroom with her son in her brother's apartment. Planning a birthday party on her salary wasn't easy, especially considering the kind of friends Sawyer had at the private school, but she was adamant on not asking her ex for anything. So, she had saved up for months, but still when she came short, Kurt had offered to pitch in. She didn't want his money at first but then he'd insisted, claiming it was his gift to Sawyer, and she had to say ye, knowing perfectly well Kurt had a brand-new bike stashed up in storage as the real gift.
She had been absolutely lucky with one thing, hiring the entertainment. She hadn't really been looking for anything, but after a meeting at Sawyer's school one day a few weeks ago, she'd stopped for coffee with some of the other mothers and got to talking about the birthday when a lady sitting at a nearby table over heard them. Jane, that was her name, told Sarah that she and her brother ran a small birthday planning and entertainment business and they came at a very reasonable price. They were just starting up, having recently moved east, and after seeing some pictures from her portfolio, Sarah was sold.
"Wow," Sarah looked behind her to see Kurt walk in, "is this my apartment or have I teleported?"
"Ha Ha," Sarah rolled her eyes, "very funny."
"I'm kidding," Kurt said as he walked towards her, "it looks amazing. Sawyer's gonna love it."
"You think so?" Sarah asked as she wrapped her arms around herself.
"I know so," Kurt said, "you did a great job. I seriously do not recognize it as my apartment. Heck, I don't even remember what it used to look like."
Sarah giggled, "well, let me remind you. Boring grey carpet, boring grey couch, boring white walls.
"Are you saying I'm boring?" Kurt pretended to be offended.
"I'm saying your apartment can be used for the FBI guidebook on decor," Sarah laughed.
"I'm sorry I haven't had the time to hire a decorator," Kurt laughed, "but maybe now that I have some free time- "
"Hey," Sarah said as she moved towards him. She placed a hand on his shoulder, "it's gonna be fine," she reassured him, "Mayfair had to do- "
"I know," Kurt admitted, "I know, I gave her no choice. But I just hate being so useless. It's not the first time Mayfair has benched me, but it's never been for this long."
"It's for your own good. Look at this way, you were never gonna take any time off, so this suspension is like a forced vacation," Sarah said and he nodded, "plus, you're not useless. You're gonna help me keep fifteen ten year olds in check today. That is the kind of work that requires the Quantico training that you've undergone."
"Remind me again, how drunk was I when I said ok to this?" Kurt laughed.
"Just a little bit?" Sarah laughed, "ok, maybe you were hammered. But you can't back out now."
Jane shifted awkwardly in the crowded subway car, trying to let an elderly woman pass. Her oversized outfit and extra-large shoes made the task almost impossible. She heard the old lady mumble some expletive about clowns on the subway and Jane couldn't help but giggle herself at the absurdity of her situation. Beside her, Roman, in his full clown outfit, was also mumbling something under his breath.
"What was that?" she turned to him asking.
"I said, I hate children," Roman said and Jane laughed when she saw the group of children in front of him, jumping excitedly, asking him to do tricks and balloon animals.
"Yup, that's the spirit," Jane teased.
"You owe me," he said as he pulled a balloon out of his pocket, "big time."
The party had been in full swing for almost half an hour by the time Jane and Roman arrived. And half an hour may not be the longest time, but when it involved fifteen ten year olds, high on sugar, it meant quite a lot.
"You made it!" Sarah had to yell when she opened the door to them.
"We did," Jane replied, as she walked in, followed by Roman, in to the small apartment.
"Ummm, ok, so… go for it," Sarah said, not quite sure if she was supposed to do anything. All the previous parties they'd had for Sawyer had involved a party planner while she relaxed and entertained the other mothers. She was feeling a bit overwhelmed and she showed it.
"Don't worry, Sarah," Jane said with a reassuring hand on Sarah's shoulder, "we got this."
Jane turned towards Roman for a moment and then back at Sarah. "Is there a place where we can just put our things and do some final preps?"
Sarah nodded, "yes, yes, of course," she said, "follow me."
Sarah led them towards her bedroom, he one she shared with her son, and left them to set up. When she walked back out, she found most of the kids surrounding a very uncomfortable looking Kurt.
"Wait, wait, kids, no, wait," she heard him say, trying to push away from them.
"Everything ok?" she asked him as she came close.
"Yeah, yeah," Kurt mumbled, "no, actually, not ok."
"What's going on?" Sarah laughed.
"Sawyer told them I'm an FBI agent," Kurt said.
"And?"
"And now they're playing a game of where does Agent Weller stash his weapons in the apartment," Kurt said and then he moved closer to whisper, "and there are a few guns here, Sarah, you know that. What if one of these kids finds one?"
"Don't worry," Sarah told him, "the cavalry's here."
"What?" Kurt asked.
"The entertainment I hired, the two clowns? They just got here," she told him and watched him sigh in relief, "they'll take over now."
"Does that mean I'm off the hook?" Kurt asked.
"Not completely, I still need your help," she said, "but you can go hide in your room for ten minutes if you want. I know it's what you've wanted to do all along."
Roman sat on the edge of one of the two twin beds in the small bedroom, the one with the Darth Vader sheets – the contrast between the dark sheets and his colorful costume almost hilarious – and looked around him.
"This place is even smaller than ours," he said, "I didn't think that was possible."
"It's not," Jane corrected him as she worked to fix her makeup.
"How much money does a kindergarten teacher make a year?" Roman teased.
"How was I supposed to know –" Jane sighed, "you know what? I'm done apologizing for not doing the proper vetting on this target ok? Her kid goes to the most expensive private school on the east coast and I just assumed they're worth the con."
"Ok, ok," Roman said, "I'm sorry. I'm done teasing and complaining. It might not be too bad after all," he said as patted the bed, "at least we know he has good taste. That's one awesome bed sheet. You think with the paycheck we'll get for this gig I can afford one like it?"
Roman laughed and Jane rolled her eyes. "Just go out there and start entertaining these kids, will you? The sooner we get started the sooner we can get it over with.
"Fine fine," he said as he got up, "better come join me soon. No hiding out in the bedroom, got it?"
"Got it, got it," Jane said.
Roman made his way towards the door. He stopped by the dresser and looked at a framed photo there. It had Sarah, who they just met, her curly haired son and a man standing behind them. "Is this the ex?" Roman asked.
"Why would she have a picture of her cheating ex in her bedroom?" Jane replied.
"I dunno," Roman said as he set it back down, "do you think the frame is worth anything?"
"No, Roman! We're not taking anything," Jane said, "we agreed on this. It's not worth the risk. Also, no. This frame is like $5 at Walgreens."
Jane took a moment after Roman left and sighed. Staring at the mirror, she wondered how things ended up here, living a life of crime with her little brother, pretending to be entertainers at rich children's birthdays as they conned their parents.
And now, for the first time in all the years of doing this, they screw up. Sarah was supposed to be another one of those rich uptight women, who only cared about throwing the most expensive party for her kid, who didn't pay attention to anything which made coming in and making a few thousand bucks off her and her husband easy. Instead, she was a struggling single mother who was genuinely sweet and caring and who was trying to do her best to make her son happy.
It was never supposed to be like this. None of it was supposed to be like this.
She was pulled out of her thoughts when her phone buzzed with a text message from Roman.
"Where are you? You promised not to abandon me! Come out here now!"
Jane shook her head and got up. She grabbed her things and made her way out of the bedroom. She wasn't paying attention when she walked out and ended up slamming straight into… someone's chest
"Oof," she said and immediately felt someone grab her and stop her from falling over.
"Sorry, I wasn't paying attention," Kurt said.
"No, I'm sorry, I didn't –" Jane mumbled as she steadied herself and looked up, "Oh, hi."
It was the man from the picture.
"I'm Kurt," he said, "Sarah's brother."
He released her from his grasp and gave her his hand. She shook his hand firmly. "I'm Jane," she replied, "I'm the…"
"Clown?" Kurt said.
"The party entertainer," Jane corrected him and smiled.
Kurt returned the smile, "I'm sorry. Party entertainer."
Jane looked down, realizing he had not released her hand, and neither had she.
"I have to get going," she told him as she pulled her hand back, "got a party to entertain."
"Of course," Kurt said, moving aside to let her pass, "be careful, though. They're monsters."
"Oh, I'm not scared," Jane laughed.
"Ah, you're one of those tough clowns," he laughed.
"Very tough," Jane said, "aren't you joining the party?" she asked when he took a step in the opposite direction.
"I've been allowed a ten minute break," he said.
"Too scared?"
"I admit, yes, a little bit," Kurt admitted.
"Aw, don't worry, when you come back out, I'll keep you safe," Jane teased.
Kurt shook his head and laughed as he watched her make her way towards the living room.
An hour later, Kurt sat next to Sarah watching the two siblings as they entertained the children with magic tricks.
"They're good," Sarah said.
"Mmm," Kurt replied, not really paying attention.
"Are you ok?" Sarah asked him.
"Yeah… there's just something familiar about the guy," Kurt said as he studied him carefully. It was hard to identify him with all the make-up he wore, but there was something about him that Kurt just could not shake.
"He looks like any other clown I've ever seen," Sarah shrugged.
"Where'd you find them?" Kurt asked her.
"I didn't, actually. Jane found me," Sarah said, "she overheard me talking about the party and approached me. She showed me other parties they've worked, mostly stuff around LA and I was impressed. Honestly, she saved this party. I don't know what I would've done without her."
"Mmm, ok," was all Kurt said before getting up and going to his room.
The kids were playing a game with Roman when Kurt came back out from his bedroom. He looked around for Jane and found her on the terrace.
"They are exhausting," she said when he walked out to where she was, "but not too terrifying. I think you were –"
"I know who you are," Kurt said.
"Yeah, we just met –"
"No," Kurt said, his voice low and stern, "I know who you are Remi Briggs. And I can have you arrested right now."
Jane stared at him, eyes wide in shock.
"I don't know what you're talking about, Kurt," she said, "my name is Jane –"
"Actually, it's Special Agent Kurt Weller of the FBI," he said as he walked towards her, "you're either the worst con artist or you think you're so good that you could walk into an FBI agent's home and think you can get away with it.
Jane looked between Kurt and the party going on inside the apartment.
"Let us at least finish the party," she whispered, "you wouldn't want to ruin Sawyer's party would you?"
Kurt clenched his jaw and stared at her, and then he looked towards his nephew – looking the happiest he'd been since his parent's divorce.
"You stay by my side," he said, "I'm not taking my eyes off you for a second. And when the party's over, I'm taking you in."