A.N.- PLEASE READ FIRST! So, I want to be up front and inform you that I've never watched this show all the way through. I've seen a good chunk of the first season, a fair chunk of the last season, and some episodes scattered across the middle. I've basically seen enough to know who the characters are, where they started, and where they ended up. My mom is the one who watched and loved the show all the way through. I liked it well enough, but I was too busy in college to really follow it from week to week. My mom is the reason I even wrote this. I watched the last 4-5 episodes with her as they premiered and had a nice little laugh at her anger over how the show ended without the resolution that she wanted (mostly because she has done the same to me). She has also never understood the appeal of fanfiction, something she knows I contribute to but doesn't understand. So, I took the opportunity to kill two birds with one stone, and penned this literally within 3 hours of the show's conclusion. She still doesn't really "get" the whole fanfiction appeal, but I think she has a new appreciation for it now, and she did enjoy the story I wrote for her. Anyway, it's been sitting on my desktop for months and finally said "screw it" and just decided to post it. Because of my lack of familiarity with the show, it's purposely low on plot, but high on character (as that's the only thing I really know about the series). Let me know what you guys think ; )
For my mother who doesn't understand the magic of Fan Fiction
Alicia silenced her phone after ignoring a fifth missed call from Peter. She couldn't talk to him right now. She would at some point; she would have to, just not now. She rubbed her cheek as the taxi careened a corner. The pain from Diane's slap had passed but the impact was still there. She deserved it. It was unforgivable what she put both Diane and Kurt through, but it was for a client, for Peter. As a lawyer, Alicia knew that Diane understood, in the same situation, she probably would've done the same thing. But as her friend, Alicia knew that it was a betrayal and it hurt. As coworkers, she and Diane would still be fine. But as friends, Alicia knew that Diane would never fully forgive her.
She was tired. She was tired of all of this. Tired of all the sacrifices she had made in every aspect of her life: to her coworkers, her family, her marriage, her happiness. She did what was expected of her. She always did, until now. She was taking back her life, as she should have done years ago. She had waited too long, she had wasted too many years, and she had lost too much because of it. She lost her chance with Will, and that had nearly broken her. In fact, she wasn't so sure it didn't. He was, and always would be, the face of her lost years doing what society dictated, the constant reminder of her choices.
Why did she always have to conform to the standards of those around her instead of her own? Why couldn't she just put herself first? That was exactly what she done when she left Peter's side at the press conference, and now she felt like the universe was punishing her for it. She rubbed her cheek again. Maybe this was just the mess she had made for herself. Jason was there. She had called him. She had left a message. She had made her decision. But that's not how it looked to Jason. Lucca had warned her that he had doubts about her "loyalty" to Peter. That he felt she would do what was expected of her, instead of what she had actually wanted, what she deserved. Standing from the sidelines, it probably looked like no matter what she said she was going to do, she would always default to her "societal duty".
But Alicia was done. She was tired and sick of being tired. After working all her life for others she was finally going to work for herself. She had no love for Peter, not any more, and she accepted that. But still she was standing by him after the trial and Jason had seen it. He had seen Alicia Florrick, the good wife, doing her wifely duty and sticking with her husband through his faults and mistakes. Why? She told herself that she was going to stand by him as a final favor to the father of her children, and that was going to be the end. But Jason was there, and then he wasn't. He had seen what she didn't see. He saw the destructive cycle she was in, and put himself and his feelings first, like she should have done long ago. Maybe she hadn't fully let go of her unhealthy responsibility to Peter until she saw that empty doorway. Until she had to physically make a choice and break the cycle once and for all. It all came down to that: herself or her so called obligations. For once, Alicia chose herself.
But it had been too late. She had lost Jason like she had lost Will. And she was tired. It had drained her, almost to the point where there was nothing left. She had done the right thing for herself, but there were consequences. The good guy wasn't always guaranteed a happy ending and the right choice didn't always come with a gold star. The universe had nothing to do with it. This was her own doing, her own mess, and now she would have to live with it.
She forced a courteous smile to the taxi driver as she paid him, and politely nodded to the doorman as she passed through the lobby of her apartment building, but inside she was breaking apart. She literally felt as though her organs were shutting down and a massive fist was squeezing her heart. She had felt this before, when she saw Will fall to the ground, dead. The tears she had been holding in since the conference slowly began to slip out as the elevator doors closed in front of her. She was finally free. And what was it getting her? A broken heart, and an empty apartment. She sighed as the thought hit her. With each ding of the passing floors, the heaviness in her grew and grew as she got closer and closer to her home. Or rather, a collection of rooms that held her old life. She was starting a new one now, and it would begin with that empty apartment. Her first steps in her new life of freedom would be into the well-decorated, self-made prison of her old life.
She cleared her eyes as the doors opened to her floor. She certainly had tears to shed, but not until she was away from everyone else. As much as she wasn't looking forward to being alone, she didn't have the energy to deal with anyone. Not Peter who was calling her for the sixth time, not Elliot who was running up with four calls, and certainly not her neighbors. No, her tears would have to wait until she was safe from the public eye. That was the next thing she was ready to be free of. Her life was in her own hands at last, and she was ready to move forward. She would have her cry, deal with her heartbreak, and then get back up, like she always did. Instead this time, it was for herself.
Alicia shut the door behind her and slowly moved through the foyer; dropping her keys on the letter table and heading towards the kitchen. She turned the corner to find Jason leaning against the counter, arms crossed, and face unreadable. At a loss for words, Alicia stood frozen as Jason rose and moved towards her, crossing the kitchen in three steps.
"I caught a broadcast of Peter's speech." He stopped before her. "You left."
"I did." Her voice cracked as she looked up at him, trying to figure out what he was leading to.
"I heard you following me." His deep voice resonating as he cleared his throat. "But I didn't know you left."
"I did." Alicia dared a smile as she tentatively stepped a little closer, hoping beyond hope that she was guessing right.
Her speculation was confirmed as Jason closed the space between them and wrapped his arms around about her weary frame. She closed her eyes as she felt the side of his face press against hers. She smiled as she felt his large, strong hand cradle the back of her head. She sighed in relief when he pulled away and kissed her gently. Alicia was no longer tired. No longer weighed down with regret. And when she drifted off to sleep in Jason's arms later that night, she was comforted in the thought that sometimes there were gold stars and happy endings.