Are You Still Who I Raised You to Be?
A/N: I figured someone would have done one of these but I poked around and didn't notice any. Anyway, I wanted to give my interpretation of what happened when Arizona came out to her parents. Just a little one-shot surrounding this, based on episode 6x05 when she gave away some of the details. This just fills in some of the blanks.
I haven't dedicated a story in awhile, but this one is for my favorite mermaid, Miss Courtney. I love you babe! :)
-o-o-o-
Arizona bit her lip, debating whether or not to do this. She didn't want to give a speech. She didn't want to make a big deal out of this. Worse, she didn't want her parents to make a big deal of it. This way they wouldn't have a chance. Not until she got home anyway. Maybe she wouldn't come home... Her dad might just kill her.
She looked to the corner of the room where she kept a suitcase, just in case. It wasn't packed. She couldn't bear the thought that she might need to, but she kept it there anyway. Her parents loved her, she knew that, but they weren't the kind of people who bent. Especially her dad.
Arizona Robbins. Named after a battleship in honor of her grandfather. All her life she'd been taught to be a good man in a storm. Taught to love her country and her family. To respect authority and follow the rules. This, this was not following the rules. This was...so not following the rules.
She sighed and looked in the mirror. She was eighteen now but she didn't look a day over fifteen - if even that. Her round face and dimples gave her such cherubic qualities that she thought she might be forty before she looked old enough to order booze without being carded.
She looked like a girl. A girly girl. She liked clothes and make-up and styling her hair. Shoes, though, she didn't care for. She would take a pair of running shoes over heels any day. Still, in her medium-wash jeans, long blonde hair and pink short-sleeved blouse, she didn't look at all like what everyone said a lesbian looked like. She didn't know many lesbians, but none of them looked like the stereotype either. She only knew two, though, so she couldn't judge how accurate or inaccurate the stereotype was just yet.
She had wondered for awhile if she really was one. You know, a lesbian. She wondered if maybe she just thought she was gay. If maybe she really did like boys. If this was just a phase or something. But that was when she was thirteen and she was still burying her feelings. Now she could say without a doubt, she was. She never dated boys. She never liked boys. That poster of Cindy Crawford didn't just hang as a young girl's role model. She had always looked at more than just her mole. Cindy wasn't her first celebrity crush either; that title was reserved exclusively for Elizabeth Montgomery. It was just something about Samantha Stevens she just couldn't get off her mind. She found herself checking out girls at school sometimes too. Not all of them - not even most of them - but enough for her to know she was most definitely not straight.
And she was ashamed. For most of her life upon coming to this realization, she was ashamed and afraid. She wasn't ashamed for having the feelings; she was ashamed of betraying her family's values. She was ashamed of the trouble she would be causing if she ever told them. Scratch that. When she told them. This wasn't who they wanted her to be. She wasn't who society wanted her to be. This just wasn't something people did. But she couldn't change that, and frankly, she didn't want to change herself; she wanted to change everyone else. Unfortunately, she couldn't change everyone, and she doubted if she could even change anyone. She expected trouble when she came out.
Tonight was that "when". Tonight was the night she'd feared for so long. At least it was supposed to be, if she could ever get up the courage to go downstairs and say anything. But if she didn't do it, she would regret it. She hated hiding. She hated pretending to be straight. Pretending to be someone she wasn't. Someone she never would be.
"Mom," she said, her voice squeaking. No response. "Mom!" she called, adding a little confidence to her voice.
"Yes?" Barbara Robbins answered, looking up from the bills she was sorting through.
"I, um... Is the Colonel here?" she asked, slightly relieved that her dad might still be at work.
"No, he won't be home until seven."
Arizona looked down at her watch and realized that gave her half an hour to make a break for it. If she told her mom, her mom would tell her dad. That much she knew. The woman was incapable of keeping secrets - especially from her husband. Her mom was far less scary. Her mom might be mad, but she wouldn't kick her out. Maybe if her mom told her dad first, then she wouldn't have to worry so much. Maybe he would simmer down. Or maybe he would just have more time to get angrier.
"What is it?" Barbara asked looking her over. "What's wrong honey?"
The teenager opened her mouth but it took a moment for words to come out. "Nothing. Nothing... I, uh, I just...have a date." she cleared her throat, looking at her watch again. "In about five minutes."
Now it was Barbara's turn to be speechless. Her daughter had never dated. She wasn't a dater. The only person she had ever been out with was a family friend's son when she was fourteen, and that was an arranged date. She'd come home in tears because he had tried to kiss her. Yes, her daughter was not a dater.
"So, um, yeah I just wanted to let you know I'll be home by eleven. That's still curfew, right?" She hadn't been out in a long time. She rarely stuck around one place long enough to be invited to clubs or parties or anything besides the occasional mid-afternoon shopping trip. The curfew had never been necessary.
Still taken off-guard by Arizona's announcement, Barbara just nodded. To be honest, she had wondered if her daughter even had any interest in boys. They had met tons of cute young men all around the country, but she had never so much as batted an eyelash in one's direction. This was a turn of events. She didn't even know what to do. Danny was the only kid she'd ever had to deal with dating.
The doorbell rang and Arizona bolted. She was such a chicken. Okay, she had one more chance. She would just introduce her date to her mom. Maybe. Actually, maybe she'd just leave. She could date JoAnne in secret. It could be fun, right? Sneaking around... Exciting. Right?
She turned the knob and the dark-haired girl bounced in, her brown eyes sparkling. Arizona envied her date. She had come out years before and didn't give a damn what people thought. Even when her parents kicked her out, she wasn't fazed.
"Hey," JoAnne smiled. "You look hot! All ready to go?"
Arizona blushed! "Hi! Yeah, I'm all set," she grinned, reaching for her coat from the closet. Maybe if she was fast enough they could get out unnoticed.
No such luck. She was about to usher her outside when Barbara made her way into the foyer.
"Arizona! Young lady," she called. The blonde teen cringed. Her mom was mad. "Aren't you going to introduce me to your date?"
Arizona turned and saw her mother smiling. What? She stepped out of the way, seeing a slight flicker in the older woman's eyes when she realized her daughter's date was a girl. To her credit, she did not yell or scream or even let on that she hadn't known. Maybe because she had known all along - or at least considered it as a possibility. She didn't look shocked, but perhaps she was just a good actress.
"Mom," she said, attempting to mask the cringe. "This is JoAnne. She's my date."
Barbara held out her hand and shook JoAnne's. "Barbara Robbins," she introduced herself. "It's very nice to meet you."
Arizona could barely breathe. She wondered if her mom was just pretending to be okay. There was no yelling, though, and that gave her hope. Maybe she really wasn't upset or angry. Either way, she didn't think she could take another moment of this. "Okay, so let's go!" she heard herself saying.
"Have a nice time ladies," Barbara smiled.
"Thanks! I'll have her home before curfew," JoAnne called back, unaware that was the first time her date or her mother had even come close to acknowledging to one another that Arizona might be gay. And the blonde certainly wasn't going to ruin the date by telling her.
-o-o-o-
The date was fun - the most fun Arizona had in a long time, considering her lack of a social life. Just the fact that her brother wasn't the one she was hanging out with had already increased the potential of the night. And JoAnne was beautiful, not just externally, but internally, as well. Arizona couldn't help but admire her. She wanted so badly to be like her - to be able to be so free and open, instead of existing in a constant state of worry. From how the night was going so far, though, it didn't seem like it would be tonight.
As much fun as she was having with JoAnne, in the back of her mind, Arizona couldn't help but wonder what was going through her mom's head at that moment. Was she upset? Angry? Confused? Relieved? Had she told the Colonel yet? Oh God, what if she's told the Colonel. She couldn't even fathom how he would react. She was awful in dealing with authority. When she got upset, she cried. When she got scared, she cried. When she got mad, she cried. She hated crying. She hated confrontation. Part of her wondered if there would even be a confrontation or if she'd just come home and find her stuff packed in boxes on the front lawn. Or if they'd ignore it altogether in awkward silence for the rest of her life. She imagined her wedding; walking down the aisle in a beautiful gown, meeting her bride at the front of the alter, and her parents still no where to be seen. Sending her a card on her birthday and Christmas, never acknowledging their daughter-in-law.
Okay, so perhaps that was a tad unrealistic. Who ever heard of a gay wedding anyway? That sort of thing wasn't even legal. Maybe it would be one day. If it was, what then?
All of these things raced through her mind as she tried to keep up with conversation, as she sang along to Tiffani in the car, as she paid the bill at dinner. Her parents never left her mind for a second and she was amazed she could still move by the end of the night, still half-sure that she was paralyzed with fear.
-o-o-o-
Buck up Robbins! she heard her father's voice in her head as she headed up to the front door of her house. She had checked the yard and there was no sign of her stuff, but she wasn't sure yet if that meant anything. As quietly as possible, she inserted her key into the lock and let herself into the big white house. She sucked in her breath as she entered the foyer.
Arizona slid off her shoes and hung her coat, scanning the room and still finding no presence of boxes or luggage. Wondering what that meant, she attempted to retreat up the stairs, hoping to have the rest of the night to mentally prepare for the discussion or the argument or the disownment or whatever was going to happen.
"Arizona," boomed her father's voice from the living room. "Is that you?"
She halted halfway up the stairs. She had never been good at avoiding the Colonel, and she knew better than to hide out in her room when he had expressly asked for her.
"Yes Sir," she replied, already feeling tears brimming on her eyes.
"Arizona, come in here, please," he requested. Well, it sounded like a request, but it was more like a very polite order which would have serious consequences if she didn't comply.
Arizona blinked away her tears and did her best to regain her composure as she headed into the living room. She noticed her parents perched atop the loveseat, the Colonel's arm around his wife. Her brother sat perpendicular to them on the couch. She didn't sit. She stood, frozen. Danny was here too. Oh God. They really were going to kick her out. All three of them.
"Take a seat," Colonel Robbins demanded in his not-quite-harsh, but not-quite-nice way.
She nodded and rushed over to the rocking chair farthest away from everyone. She felt strange, like suddenly she was an outsider. Like everything had changed. She curled up, bringing her knees to her chin and choked back the still-threatening tears.
Arizona did her best to decipher the faces which stared at her in the cold silence. She couldn't tell what they meant. Were they sad? Or...pity... They looked like pity. At least Danny's did. Barbara's just looked like a mom worried about her child. The Colonel, well, he never showed much emotion. If she managed to make him smile, it was considered quite a feat. She knew she'd done really well if he smiled. If he laughed aloud, then that was a joke to keep for the future, because it was exceptional. If he cried, though, she knew she had done something really bad. He had never cried because of her. He had only cried once, that she knew of, when Danny was little and he'd broken a watch belonging to their grandfather. Arizona only barely remembered that. She had only been three at the time.
Now, now he sat motionless across from her, staring at her.
For a moment, no one opened their mouths. She tried to look away from her father, but something was stopping her. Some invisible force was keeping her eyes locked on him, begging him to break the unbearable silence.
"Arizona," he said, repeating her name for what seemed like the millionth time. She wondered if he considered this a betrayal of her family's legacy, too - a betrayal of everything they stood for. She hadn't thought of it that way, but maybe it was to him. To her, it was her only shot at happiness. She wondered if she could ever be happy without her family.
"Your mother told me you had a date tonight," he stated.
She nodded in confirmation.
"And she told me it was with someone named JoAnne?"
Again, she nodded.
"Well, in my day, parents didn't name their sons JoAnne."
She began gnawing on her bottom lip.
"I suspect it's the same nowadays."
She nodded a third time.
"So then I take it JoAnne is a female."
She stared at him, still chewing on her lip.
"Yes, or no?"
"Yes, Sir."
He stared at her, taking in her answer for a few seconds. He nodded and asked, point blank, "Are you a lesbian?" He wasn't a man who was known for beating around the bush.
Shaking, Arizona couldn't bring herself to answer.
"Yes, or no, Arizona?"
"Yes, Sir," she squeaked.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Yes, Sir," she responded, a little bit louder.
"Then I only have one question," he replied.
This is it! she thought. He's going to kick me out. He wants to know how fast I can get the hell out of his house. Her whole body was paralyzed.
"Are you still who I raised you to be?"
She gaped at him a moment, unsure exactly how to reply.
"Are you still who I raised you to be, Arizona?" he asked. He could see her confusion, so he added, "I raised you to be a good man in a storm. I raised you to love your country, to love your family and to protect the things you love. So, are you still who I raised you to be?"
She nodded and managed to add, "I'm still the same person. I'm just not hiding who I like anymore. But I'm still me. I-" she choked. "I hope you can understand that."
"So if you're still the same person, still my daughter, still a good man in a storm, then why are you sitting there, hunched up in a ball, afraid to speak to us. You have never been afraid to speak your mind before."
The teenager didn't reply.
"Arizona, what did you think was going to happen?" he asked.
She shrugged and mumbled, "I don't know."
"Don't mumble, young lady. Speak up. Be who you are," he told her. "Say it openly and don't be ashamed. Don't let anybody cause you fear, because you are Arizona Robbins, daughter of Colonel Daniel Robbins, granddaughter of General Daniel Robbins, savior of nineteen men on the U.S.S. Arizona. You are my daughter and you should be proud of your heritage, proud of your family and proud, most of all, of yourself. Do you understand me? No more of this cowering. That is not what makes a good man - a strong man. You, young lady, are a strong man; a good man. You are not someone who hides, because someone who hides is not someone I raised. Someone who hides is not my daughter."
Arizona stared at him in shock. "You-" she stumbled, but not in fear anymore. "You mean you don't want me to leave?"
"Of course I don't want you to leave. Not until college, anyway. Then you'll go on to be a great man and it would be wrong of me to keep you here and keep you from your future. But for now, I want you to stay and to be you. No more lying or hiding or fear. That is why I asked your mother and Danny to join us for this conversation, so that you understand that your family are all good men and we all love you. Have you got that?"
She nodded. This felt like an out of body experience. She hadn't expected this at all. She was sure she would have to leave and that no one would speak to her again. She was about to stand, when her father spoke up again.
"One more thing," Colonel Robbins said in a firmer tone. "Don't you ever underestimate your family again. Ever."
She shook her head. "I won't! I promise!"
"Good. Then your mother and I are off to bed. You have school at 0-800 tomorrow, so you ought to get some rest. Daniel, you too. You begin training next week, so I'll be getting you up at dawn."
Arizona watched as her brother stood and saluted his father, causing a smile to form on Colonel Robbins' face.
"I'm proud of you," he said, then looked over at Arizona, adding, "Both of you."
Arizona smiled and stood, about to head up to her room. Danny caught her arm.
"Wait up," he said. She turned to face him. "I get why you were scared of telling them, but me, too? Zona, you should've told me sooner! We could've gone chick-hunting together! Now I've only got a week to teach you how to be a proper gentleman!"
Arizona laughed. "Wow, chick-hunting and gentleman in the same breath? Maybe I've got some stuff to teach you," she teased.
He grinned and pulled her into a hug. "You know I love you sis," he beamed.
"I know. I was just..."
"I know," he replied, signifying that she didn't need to explain any further. He let her go and began jogging up the stairs.
"Danny?" she called.
He turned back for a moment.
"I love you too."
-o-o-o-
Arizona didn't sleep that night. It wasn't that she was upset or scared or worried. She was in shock. She kept pinching herself to see if this was real. She stared at the ceiling, realizing she was free, but having no idea what to do with that freedom. Her father had told her to love herself and to be proud of herself. Hearing him say those words, she realized they were true. What she'd been missing was self-acceptance. She thought she'd had it, but she had based everything on her family's opinions, on her friends' opinions, on society's opinions. She had acknowledged before that she was a lesbian, but she had never accepted it. Her family accepted it, and now it was her turn.
"I'm a lesbian," she whispered to herself, making herself hear it aloud. She rolled over onto her side, staring at the poster of Cindy Crawford. "Oh, I'm definitely a lesbian," she grinned.
-o-o-o-
Thanks for reading! Hope you liked it! Remember: reviews are love!
xo