ZZZZZZZzzzzz At Johnny's
Roy and Johnny are owned and copyrighted exclusively by Mark VII and Universal Studios. No copyright infringement intended. All other characters...no one wants them.
Chapter One
Roy DeSoto knew he was approaching Johnny Gage's apartment long before he knocked loudly on the door. He could hear the rock music blaring down the stairs and into the parking lot.
"Johnny! Open up!" The volume decreased slightly and the door flew open.
"Come on in. I straightened the place up for ya." Roy stood dubiously on the doorstep. "Well? Come in!"
Johnny, I'm not sure this is a good idea. I mean, you and I are so - " Johnny stepped back into the apartment and turned volume on the stereo down a bit further. "Different."
"What?"
"The music is awfully loud." Johnny stared at him a moment, then turned the volume down again.
"Better?"
"Yeah. I'd like it even better if it was off." Johnny turned the stereo off, and Roy entered the apartment. As he closed the door, Johnny muttered.
"It was only the Stones, man."
Roy started picking up clothes scattered around the living room - a pair of socks here, a jacket there, a pair of boxers elegantly draped over a chair by the sofa. He held them up. "Are these clean or dirty?" Johnny snatched the clothes.
"Hey, I'll take care of it, geez..." As he left the room, he motioned toward the chair. "That's the chair." He disappeared into the bedroom. Roy stared at the chair.
"The chair?" He yelled into the bedroom. "John! This is the chair that - " Suddenly, Johnny materialized from the bedroom.
"Hey, don't yell. This is an apartment, man."
"But the music - "
"Huh?"
"Whatever. This is the convertible chair?"
"Yeah. Told you it was bigger than our beds at the station." Roy eyed it.
"Johnny, this isn't a chair. It's so wide, it's almost a love seat." Johnny grinned.
"I know. Man - "
"I don't want to know. Is it clean?"
"Of COURSE it's clean." Roy tentatively sat on it.
"Junior, it feels kinda...weird." Johnny's grin returned.
"Well, it's seen a lot of action." Roy looked at him suspiciously.
"'Action?' You said it's never been slept in."
"It hasn't. Never been used as a BED. Didn't say it's never been used at all. Roy, your problem is you never listen."
"Never mind." Roy stood up and stretched. "It's been a long day. Let's make dinner and relax, hit the sack early." Johnny blinked.
"Early? But I thought we could...ya know...go out, catch a movie, have a few laughs, maybe go to - "
"Look, I'm tired. I just wanna relax and hit the sack."
"You're kidding."
"Hey, I TOLD you yesterday. I want peace, quiet and relaxation. And you agreed."
"Yeah, and you'll get it - tonight." Johnny smacked Roy on the back. Roy rolled his eyes. "Come on! This is your chance to be a bachelor again!"
"I don't wanna 'be a bachelor again.' I just wanna relax."
"Relax?" Roy nodded impatiently.
"Yeah. Relax. I been busy, I'm tired, and I wanna relax. Go to bed at say, ten. I TOLD you that." Johnny shrugged.
"Okay, okay, we'll relax." He eyed Roy suspiciously. "What were you doing all day?" Roy shrugged.
"I was at Joanne's mother's house."
"WHAT? But you said you wanted a break from family, from chores, from - "
"I know what I said. I just dropped by to say hello, her mother needed a few things done around the house, and I - " Johnny burst out laughing.
"You spent all day doing chores." Roy shook his head and wagged his finger in Johnny's face.
"Look, I'm tryin' to keep the peace, all right? The woman hates me. I'm just tryin' to keep her happy, that's all. Something you wouldn't understand." Johnny pushed Roy's hand away.
"Okay, okay, geez. Back off."
"And now I just wanna relax. Is that asking too much? One evening to myself, one night with no kids, no wife, no work. That's all." Johnny raised his hands in mock surrender.
"Okay, I got it. You wanna relax. So we'll relax."
"Thank you."
"No need to get all worked up over it, Pally. I just thought - "
"Look, do me a favor, would ya? Don't think."
"But - " Roy cut him off and headed into the kitchen.
"I'll make dinner. Whadaya got?" Johnny ran after him.
"Well, the thing is - " Roy opened the fridge.
"You got one orange here. One orange."
"I know, but I though we'd - " Roy elbowed him aside as he searched the cabinets.
"A potato."
"Yeah, I know, but - "
"Half a box of Fruit Loops." He glared at Johnny as he opened another cabinet. "A can of soup."
"Listen, I thought we'd - "
"Expired a year ago." Johnny grabbed the can.
"It did? But I - " Roy opened the last cabinet.
"And a container of frosting." Johnny shrugged sheepishly.
"I like to spread frosting on graham crackers."
"Which you haven't got." Roy tossed the container of frosting to Johnny, who promptly dropped it. He stooped to grab it and straightened up, his head making contact with the open freezer door.
"Ouch!" Roy reached into the freezer and grabbed the one item it contained.
"Rocky Road ice cream." He looked inside the container. "Empty." Johnny grabbed the container.
"It's not empty. There's a couple of bites left in there."
Chapter Two
"I got it, I got it, hold it."
Johnny struggled under four bags of groceries as he tried to fish his keys out of his pocket. He turned to Roy. "Hold these, would ya?" Roy shook his head.
"With what? My hand are full." Johnny looked at the four bags of groceries in Roy's arms.
"Okay, hang on, geez." He dropped his bags, fished the keys out, and opened the door. He eyed the bags at his feet. "Did I have the eggs or did you? 'Cause if I did - "
"Look, pick up the bags and move it!" Roy stepped over the bags on the doorstep, entered the apartment, and headed toward the kitchen. He placed the bags on the kitchen table and began putting the groceries away. Johnny staggered in, dropped his bags on the table, and grabbed Roy's arm.
"Hey, I don't keep chips there!"
"Fine, tell me where they go. I don't care." Johnny looked at the eight bags on the table.
"Look, why don't you go relax and I'll take care of it."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Go unwind, Roy. I promised you peace, quiet, and relaxation, and that's what you're gonna get." He grinned and patted Roy on the shoulder. "Go on...relax."
"Well...all right. I appreciate it." Roy smiled and left the room. Johnny got to work putting all the groceries away. He called into the living room.
"Hey, it's almost ten. I always watch Hawaii Five-0 - "
"If ya don't mind mind, Johnny, I just wanna read and go to sleep."
"But it's my favorite show!" Roy reappeared in the kitchen.
"Do ya mind? It won't hurt you to miss one episode. Besides, it's almost over. It's on at nine, not ten." He disappeared again. Deflated, Johnny started putting the groceries away.
"But it's my favorite show...I cancel dates for that show..." He surveyed the food.
"Man, I'm never gonna be able to eat all this. Incredible..."
Chapter Three
"What the..."
A loud crash woke Johnny at ten thirty. He stumbled out of bed and into the living room. The convertible chair, which had been opened and made up as a bed, was empty. He peeked into the kitchen. Roy was standing in front of the open fridge, his back to Johnny. Johnny tapped him on the shoulder.
"What was that noise?" Startled, Roy jumped.
"Sorry. The door slipped outta my hand and hit the counter."
"What're you doing?" Roy frowned.
"What does it look like I'm doing?"
"But - "
"Junior, go back to bed." He resumed his contemplation of the open fridge. Johnny shrugged, turned and headed out of the kitchen, muttering to himself.
"The man insists on goin' to bed, then he doesn't go to bed." Roy ignored him.
Chapter Four
Half an hour later, Johnny was again awakened as Roy slammed the refrigerator door again. Again, he stumbled into the kitchen. Roy was holding a container of sour cream. He threw open a cabinet door and grabbed the bag of chips, turned, and smiled at Johnny.
"Junior, where did you put the onion soup mix?" Johnny yawned.
"The what?"
"The onion soup mix. You know, the box with the picture of soup on it." He slammed open another cabinet. Johnny elbowed him aside, found the soup mix, and handed it to Roy.
"Here. I put it with the canned soup." Roy studied the box.
"Thanks." He looked up and nodded at Johnny. "Go back to bed."
"Nuh uh." He yawned again. "You gonna make soup? Cause I - " Roy shook his head, confused.
"Soup?"
"Yeah, you got soup mix. What else ya gonna do with soup mix?" Roy studied the box again.
"Hey, you got any covered bowls?"
"WHAT?"
"Covered bowls. Tupperware. You got any plastic bowls with covers?" Johnny snorted.
"Do I LOOK like a guy who'd have Tupperware?" Roy stared at him blankly, then shook his head.
"Never mind. I'll just use the sour cream container." He opened the sour cream, ripped open a soup packet, poured the contents into the sour cream, opened a drawer, grabbed a spoon, slammed the drawer closed, and stirred the soup mix into the sour cream. Johnny watched him in disgust.
"What the hell are you DOING?" Roy grinned.
"I'm making onion dip."
"But - "
"Joanne makes this."
"You mean this the dip that I - "
"That you compliment her on every time you taste it."
"But I thought - "
"What?"
"I thought she made it from scratch." Roy laughed.
"Scratch? With two kids in the house? You're joking." Johnny shook his head.
"Forget it. I'm goin' back to bed." He headed out of the kitchen, turned, and glared at Roy.
"Keep it down, would ya? I'm tryin' to sleep." Roy nodded apologetically.
"I will. Just gonna nibble on some chips and dip, then go to sleep."
"Good." Johnny left the kitchen. Roy called after him.
"I'll put the leftover dip in the fridge. You can have it tomorrow. It's better after it sits awhile, anyway." he heard Johnny's voice from the bedroom.
"Roy?"
"Yeah?"
Shut up."
Chapter Five
Roy made four more trips to the refrigerator over the next two hours. Each time, he slammed the door open, each time Johnny was awakened, each time he stumbled into the kitchen and watched Roy select another snack.
An apple.
A couple of carrots.
A package of luncheon meat.
American cheese.
Each time, Roy assured Johnny that he was done eating. Each time, Johnny told him to shut up, each time he stumbled back to bed.
Finally, the lights in the living room went out. Roy was done eating. Johnny sighed with relief. All was quiet, except for the occasional "ow" emanating from the living room.
For half an hour.
Chapter Six
"At 2am on the dot, a wailing woman banged on the door. Roy jumped up, but Johnny ran out of the bedroom, pulling on a pair of sweatpants. He elbowed Roy aside.
"I'll get it, I'll get it." He eyed Roy. "Don't you have a robe?" Roy glared at him.
"No. I didn't know we were having company."
"It's not company, it's just Laverne. Go back to bed." Roy got under the covers, wincing as something in the bed snapped him in the rear.
Johnny opened the door to a young woman dressed in a tight jumpsuit, her hair a mess, her face streaked with tears. She fell into his arms, babbling.
"Oh, J-J-J-Johnny, he c-c-c-called me, he-he-he c-c-c-called me, he c-c-c-called me..." She cried harder. Johnny led her to the sofa and sat her down.
"Laverne, honey...I can't help ya if ya can't talk. Ya gotta calm down."
"I c-c-can't!"
"Sure, ya can. Just breathe slow. Follow me...in...out...in...out...in..." He glanced at Roy. "Hey, could ya get her a glass of water?" Roy threw the blankets off, then hurriedly covered himself.
"No, I can't." Johnny glanced at him, then back to Laverne. He gently extracted himself from her grasp.
"Laverne, I'm gonna get ya a glass of water, all right?" Laverne hiccuped and nodded. As Johnny reached the kitchen, she called after him.
"With ice?"
"Yeah, ice." He gestured toward Roy. "Laverne, this is Roy." He disappeared.
Roy ducked his head in Laverne's general direction. "Hello." She hiccuped again and looked at him.
"C-can I ask you a question?" She stood and walked over to him; Roy leaned away.
"A...question?"
"Do I look fat?" Roy shook his head and yelled toward the kitchen door.
"JOHNNY!"
Chapter Seven
It took half an hour until Laverne calmed down. Half an hour of crying, talking, showing Johnny and Roy her figure and asking whether she looked fat, half an hour of continual reassurances that she looked just fine, or, as Johnny said, "Incredible." Finally, Laverne sighed.
"Thanks." She hugged Johnny, then tried to hug Roy. He gently fended her off with a shake of his head.
"No thanks. I'm uh...I'm married." She looked disappointed, then returned to hug Johnny again. Johnny smiled at Roy over Laverne's shoulder. Roy mouthed, "Say goodnight," and pointed toward the door. At that moment, another knock was heard, and a female voice called through the door.
"Laverne? Laverne, you in there?" Johnny looked at Roy over Lavern's shoulder, and motioned toward the door. Roy started to get out of bed, then pulled the covers up and shrugged.
"You get it." Johnny sighed, extracted himself from Laverne's arms, and opened the door. A woman in a mini skirt was leaning against the doorjamb, a cigarette in her hand.
"Johnny, is Laverne in here?"
"Yeah, but could ya put the cigarette out?" She looked at the cigarette as though seeing it for the first time.
"This?"
"Yeah."
Sure, hon." She dropped it right outside the door, ground it on the heel of her shoe, and rushed in. The first person she spotted was Roy.
"Who's he?"
"Just a friend. He's spending the night." Roy ducked his head again. The woman smiled.
"You gotta name?" Roy blushed under her steady gaze.
"Roy."
"Nice to meet you, Roy. My name is Bobbi. Just came to talk to Laverne. You go back to sleep." Roy rolled his eyes, but remained in the bed, trapped by his state of undress, his pants and shirt out of reach.
Bobbi turned her attention to Laverne. "Laverne, stop fussing and come home. You know Edger didn't mean anything. I should know. He's my baby brother. He always says things like that." Laverne folded her arms and shook her head, tossing her long black hair back and shaking her mascara streaked face.
"No. I TOLD him to stop saying those things. I TOLD him if he ever - "
"But he didn't mean - " Laverne jumped up and adjusted her her jumpsuit, arranging the plunging neckline just so.
"Do I LOOK fat?" Laverne eyed Johnny and Roy. Roy hunched down in the bed. He shook his head as he averted his eyes.
"Well, I - "
"THEY don't think I look fat." Laverne motioned toward Johnny and Roy. "Tell Bobbi what you think. Go on, tell her." The two women stared at Johnny and Roy. Johnny shrugged and grinned sheepishly. "Go on, Johnny. Tell her what you said. You said I look..."
"...Incredible. But ya know, That's only one man's opinion, one man's taste. I mean, not every guy - " Laverne cut him off as she leaned over Roy.
"Johnny said I look incredible. And you said I look? What was that word?"
"Uh...womanly...you look...womanly." He clutched the blankets, as though ready to dive under them. Laverne planted a kiss on top of his head. "No thanks...I'm married." She studied his head for a moment.
"Gettin' a bit thin up there...what was your name again?"
"Roy. And I'm married." Laverne ignored his protestations and turned back to Bobbi.
"Ya see? Johnny says I look incredible, and...uh...Roy, that's right. Roy says I look womanly. And HE'S married." She started sniffling. I'm not leaving until Edgar apologizes." Johnny glanced apologetically at Roy, who pointed to the door and "hissed, "Get rid of them." As soon as the words left his mouth, someone pounded at the door.
"Johnny? Open up, it's Edgar." Johnny stared at the door, then turned to Roy. "Funny, he doesn't usually - "
"Laverne? You bothering Johnny again? Cause I told you not - " He stopped abruptly as the door flew open." "Hey, Johnny. Laverne been bothering you again?" Johnny started stammering.
"Bother? No bother at all, it's just that I have company and we're tryin' to - " Edgar elbowed him aside and entered the apartment. At the sight of Edgar, Laverne burst into tears again.
"You c-c-c-called me FAT!" She threw herself into Johnny's arms and sobbed. Helplessly, Johnny patted her on the back. Edger eyed Roy.
"Who are YOU?" Roy shrugged.
"Nobody, apparently." Satisfied, Edgar turned his attention to Laverne.
"Laverne, honey. Look at me." Laverne sniffled and hid her face on Johnny's shoulder.
"No. You called me fat." Edgar gave Johnny a "You get this; you're a dude" look, and spoke to Laverne's back.
"Laverne, I did not called you 'fat.' I said that jumpsuit is too tight. It only makes you LOOK - " Johnny shook his head at Edgar. "What I mean to say is...something that tight...it can't hold all that..." He thought; Johnny mouthed a word at him. "Right. Er...it can't hold all that...that WOMANLINESS." He eyed Johnny. Johnny gave him a grin and a thumbs-up.
Laverne turned and eyed Edgar. "Womanliness?" She sniffled.
"Yeah. Womanliness." He held his arms out to her. "Come here, Sugerplum." Johnny nudged her toward Edgar.
"Go on." She tossed her hair and went to Edgar, who put his arms around her and smacked her lightly on the rear. He winked at Johnny, then smiled at Laverne.
"Whadaya say we take all this womanliness home?" She beamed up at him.
"Oh Edgar, you're such a romantic." She giggled. Johnny ushered Laverne, Edgar, and Bobbi to the door. As the door closed on them, Laverne's voice was heard.
"Ya know, What's-His-Name said I was womanly, too."
Johnny laughed, closed the door, and turned to Roy. "That ended well - hey, what're you doing'?" Roy was up, dressed, suitcase in hand.
"I'm goin' to go to bed. In a MOTEL."
"But - "
"A MOTEL." He glared at Johnny, shoved him aside, and slammed the door behind him. Johnny sighed, and sank down on the convertible chair. He yelped, jumped up, rubbed his back, and stared at the convertible chair. Slowly, he walked into the bedroom, closed the door, and turned out the light.
THE END