"Belief"
By Of Quirky Excellence, aka LyriumGhost
((A/N: So this is sort of a prequel oneshot to my main Jowan/Amell story, Half Full, so if you like this pairing and would like to read their story continued, I highly recommend reading that. This is set only a few weeks prior to the beginning of Half Full, and it is more crucial to Jowan's background/personality and POV than Maeve's. This was written for the DA Fanfiction Writer's Group on Facebook. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: If I owned Jowan, do you really think we'd need a mod to save him? :P Maeve Amell is my Player Character, but all other characters belong to Bioware…I GUESS that includes Jowan…I guess.))
Jowan took in a long, deep sigh. The more time he'd had to think about his actions of the recent past, the more he regretted them and the less he believed he would be forgiven. However, Maeve Amell had a tendency to do unbelievable things.
He recalled the day Uldred had approached him in the library, a few weeks before he had met Lily. The man had spoken so lightly of a school of magic so heavily forbidden and terribly feared by mages and Templars alike. Blood magic. Who would have thought it would have led him here? Shattering his already fragile heart into smithereens and perhaps taking away the love and trust of the one he cared for most? He spoke not of Lily but of the only one who had been with him from almost the very beginning, the one who had always believed in him no matter how stupid he'd acted, no matter how clueless he had been to how she'd actually felt. Maeve had truly loved him, Maker, and he had loved her. His lust for Lily had been intended to throw him off pursuing a path he was very sure would only end in heart break. This only showed, of course, how little he'd known. Maker, why hadn't they been open with one another? He was so sure Maeve returned the crush that new Templar Cullen had on her…she would be safer fraternizing with a Templar who could protect her from the Chantry than she would be with him anyway.
He had heard the rumors of the blushing Templar. Some of the other female apprentice had been enraged and completely blind with envy. But then Maeve had been so gracious and humble about it, which drove the other mad. She was talented, beautiful and brave. All things Jowan admired, but he knew he hadn't been the only one at the Tower. Anders had thought of her as a little sister, but besides that, many male apprentices had harbored juvenile crushes on the young apprentice with the ginger colored hair in a long single braid, and sea blue eyes. Jowan had been there when Anders escaped for the first time, Maeve had been so curious…why hadn't he decided to run away with her at his side?
He sat on the cold floor of his cell, broken and alone. A large gash had torn his side, robes and flesh alike. He had cuts and bruises from the beatings he had received from Lady Isolde's guards, and his face was pale from malnutrition and blood loss. There was no mercy for maleficarum, and the treason he had misguidedly committed only further damned him.
Jowan had only seen Maeve prior to the last of the corpses being dealt with, and she had been utterly heartbroken to see him here. Now she was off at the Tower of Magi, going to get help for a ritual to allow a mage to enter the Fade. The Bann had allowed him to help keep an eye on Connor until the boy had gone to bed, and then Teagan had decided to have Jowan placed in the dungeon again. He had declared the blood mage a risk to everyone's safety, even though whenever he was outside the cell his hands had been chained, and he could barely lift them, let alone cast a spell. His only purpose had been to warn Teagan and Lady Isolde if the demon surfaced, and it had not.
He was given some bread and water to keep him alive when he was returned to his cell and allowed the use of his hands, but one ankle had been chained to the stone wall of the little cell. Not a single person had harmed him since Maeve's arrival at the castle, and he thought maybe she had something to do with that. But it mattered not, she could only protect him from being shown brutality while they were in the same place. Once he was sentenced, Maeve would have no say in the damage that was sure to be done.
"The Wardens have returned." A stern voice said. Jowan started at the sound of it, whole body shaking.
The owner of the voice was none other than Bann Teagan.
"...with mages?" Jowan asked, looking up towards the man. He was accompanied by two guards. One of them held the heavy chains that had bound his hands days before. One of the men was unlocking the cell door, while Teagan stood only slightly behind them.
The Bann nodded. He bore no readable facial expression, at least not in this light.
"You are going into the Fade." Teagan replied.
"I…what?" Jowan's eyes widened. The guard had entered the cell and yanked Jowan up by his shirt collar. The mage yelped, and Teagan frowned.
"Hey, easy! You remember Warden Amell's request. No further harm done to the mage." Teagan commanded coldly to the offending guard. Jowan closed his eyes for a moment as the guard chained him again. Andraste bless you, Maeve. He said to himself. He took comfort in the small mercy she had shown him, even if it would be in vain in the end. But then again, wasn't everything in vain when it came to him?
"If I had my way you wouldn't even be alive, blood mage. But the Warden has requested that you be the one to kill the demon. The First Enchanter does not know yet, but I am sure he'll have plenty to say when he finds out." Teagan said as the guards led him from the cell.
"Maeve knows I cannot fight well, though! I have never fought a demon…in the tower I was the weakest apprentice-"
Teagan turned to Jowan and his expression almost softened. "She believes you can do it. She said something about something…called a Harrowing, and that a mage who had fought demons and not gotten possessed could not be made…what was it…Tranquil?"
Jowan looked perplexed as the Bann did as the older man spoke. But as it came together, he sighed. "She puts me to shame." Jowan said. "She is trying to protect me from a fate worse than death…" Then a nervous chuckle escaped the mage's lips. "Although I highly doubt they would call this a Harrowing…"
The Bann shrugged, and they entered the main hall at last.
Assembled were Maeve Amell, her companions, several Harrowed Circle Mages, Enchanter Wynne, the First Enchanter himself, Lady Isolde, and two Templars.
Maeve raised a hand and gave Jowan's shoulder a gentle rub as he was led to stand next to her. Her hair, which she had chopped off at the base of her long braid months ago, shone in the candlelight, and Jowan longed to stroke it and comfort her as he had done so many times in the past.
Irving glared disapprovingly at the two old friends.
"So, why did you want Jowan, of all mages, to enter the Fade and defeat the demon? He started this after all, and you do realize this is not the Harrowing." Irving said softly but firmly.
Maeve looked from Jowan's tired face to Irving's stern one, and she hesitated, then said persistently, "Treat it like one. If he succeeds, give me your word he can never be made Tranquil. If he fails…the demon will likely possess him… kill him quickly, but only if it comes to that." Maeve said, her voice cracking and unsure during the last phrase.
"Maeve.…"Irving and Jowan both said simultaneously. Irving was the one who continued. "I cannot allow this."
"What have any of you got to lose?!" The redhead cried. "None of you ever gave him a chance. Better late than never, right? Besides, if the Demon does possess Jowan and it does this by force, he will be an abomination, Connor will be free, and…and Jowan will die quickly. No tranquility…" Then she glared at Isolde for a moment, "…or torture, involved."
Teagan nodded. "Whatever it takes to free my nephew, and restore order to this chaos….but I cannot and will not release the mage, to anyone without my brother's guidance."
"Understood." Maeve said softly. She hadn't taken her hand off Jowan's shoulder, and now she turned to him. "Please, do this for me. And…do not fail. I don't want to see them kill you."
Jowan looked at her face, slightly softening his expression. "You are becoming the leader and the mage I never could. Be strong, Maeve Amell…I..I… believe…" Jowan looked up at the other mages, already preparing themselves to perform the ritual to send him into the Fade. "I believe it is time to say goodbye." He gulped. "They won't wait forever."
Maeve threw her arms around him, holding him softly and crying quietly into his shoulder. "And I believe you can do this, Jowan."
"Your faith in me is misguided, Maeve…"
"Don't." She said, pulling away gently. "You will not fall through the cracks of this travesty."
"Jowan, take your place on the floor in the center of the assembled mages, we will remove the shackles once you are in the Fade." Irving said, motioning for the guards to lead him towards the mages.
"Will it hurt?" Jowan asked.
Irving looked slightly annoyed. But Maeve, who followed after them, answered in a calm voice. "No, you will just go to sleep. When you're in the Fade, it will feel like a dream. Trust nothing but your own will, Jowan, and you will awake here again once the demon is slain."
Irving stopped Maeve from following Jowan into the center of the mages who had formed a circle around a carpet. "You cannot accompany him any further, Maeve. Your loyalty is admirable, but remember Greagoir's words before your Harrowing?"
Maeve frowned. "You said yourself this is no Harrowing."
"Indeed. But we only have the resources enough to send one mage into the Fade. I am sorry, child. You can sit with your companions if you'd like, but Jowan must do this alone."
Jowan lay on the carpet now, his heart beating faster and faster. The guards had allowed him to stay there unattended and the mages began the ritual. Hi vision blurred slightly and he began to feel drowsy like he was about to fall asleep, just as the others had told him he would.
"Thank you Maeve, for your belief…" he heard a voice say before he realized it was his own.
"Andraste guide you, my dearest mage…" was her reply.
He felt the release of the pressure on his wrists and heard the clanking of metal, but found he could not shake the drowsy feeling for long enough to move. He stared up at the ceiling, but before he closed his eyes he swore he could see her face, beautiful and pure as ever. He heard her whispering comforting and reassuring words into his ears, but he could not even summon the energy to thank her again, or tell her she had been right, he would not feel any pain. She gave him a knowing smile as his blinks grew more drawn out, and he grinned softly when he saw it, then the Fade welcomed him, a thin smile still tracing his lips.